Ha! The sun, the ocean, warm weather and relaxing music: what more could you possibly want out of a reality show? Entertainment, that’s what! This is the last time Joel can decide who goes home and that we’ll hear the sentence “we’re dropping you.” If you feel nostalgic, you’re probably alone. Don’t get me wrong; we all love you anyway. Grab your passport, your best swimsuit and we’re off to exotic Bora Bora!
A Million Dollar Smile
Last week, Jenna was sent packing and saying that Shannon is relieved about being safe is an understatement. She screams and looks very, very happy. In a confessional, she then states that there’s only 3 girls left and that one is going home after this photo shoot, which will take down the competition to 2 models. I am so proud of her mathematical skills. The girls receive another fake SI magazine and are once again reminded that the finals are coming soon.
What would this show be without the famous Supermodel Pass competition? I prefer that you don’t answer that. Our good friend Tony from Episode One: Attack of the Killer Chocolate Cake, is back and in great shape. This is where the producers of the show thought it would be entertaining to take us back once again for a very, very exciting endurance competition. I am not amused. Did they spend all of their budget on Nikko’s wardrobe and left nothing for the rest? You know the drill; push-ups, jump jacks and zzz. Oopsie, I fell asleep there. Shannon is out first but doesn’t seem too bummed about it. Stacy ends up winning and she has the opportunity to decide the order of the final photo shoot. I can’t take this drama anymore, someone, please, make it stop! She decides to go last and then let Shannon go first and Alicia second. I could end the recap right now and say who has been eliminated because nothing else worth mentioning has happened. Fear not, swimsuit fans, I will walk with you all through this unbearable punishment.
Off we go to Bora Bora. On the plane, we viewers can already feel the excitement and Alicia is all smiles. The girls land and immediately fall in love with the scenery; the blue water, the beautiful weather and the people just make for an excellent atmosphere. Walter Iooss and Diane Smith are there to welcome the models. The usual trio of judges has a chat with those two to see at what level the girls are in their model development. Alicia is the strongest and according to Joel, has an amazing body. Saggy ass no more! Stacy has a lovely body and a great smile. Joel then basically states that Shannon, well, is the weakest one and Jule says she almost didn’t make it. She also has the most experience with the modeling industry while the other two… well… have had the least. Incredible deduction skills are being demonstrated today.
Shannon’s shoot is up first and she has a special advantage; she gets to choose all the swimsuits she wants. The better thing is, the girls all have to wear the same ones. Diane starts by asking Walter if he wants to do “the sensational one” first. We then learn that the sensation in question is the one of exposure when they won’t be wearing their bikini tops! *Gasp!* Parental Guidance advisory, call the FCC, close down the station, exposed breasts alert! Shannon has about 5 flower necklaces around her and if I do say so myself, she’s more covered with these than some of the tops we’ve seen throughout the show. She’s not in the least bit worried that her shoot will be offensive, as she thinks Christians can be sexy. Suddenly, out of the blue, we see a shot of the judges standing in the water; normally, that wouldn’t be scary at all. This time however, I am shocked to see Joel in his swimsuit long-shorts. Standing along-side Roshumba, he’s like a used plastic bag standing beside a crystal vase. Don’t ask me where I got that comparison; my mind works in mysterious ways. Shannon’s time in front of the camera went really well and she receives positive feedback from everyone. A star is born!
Joel, Can You Handle This?
While one girl is modeling, another is practicing her public speaking skills with a man called Bruce Kaufman. Alicia is up first and she is doing a commercial presenting herself and such. While she reads her script, she lets it fly away in the ocean. Script no more; Alicia is doing a great job with the commercial. She’s good at everything this episode.
Sha-Sha-Sha-Shannon doesn’t want to say anything about her shoot, especially not the boobage freedom part of it. Stacy is acting very maturely about it all. Yeah right, whom am I kidding? Certainly not you, faithful readers. She eventually gives up and pouts.
Alicia is up next and I can resume her experience with one word: wow! As with Shannon, everyone thinks she did an amazing job and she’s got what it takes. At one point, Roshumba thinks all the girls should win the million dollars; collective “boos” and other choice words are heard around the homes of the 4
million thousand hundredpeople who watch the show when we unsurprisingly hear Joel categorically say: “no, only one deserves it.” So yes, after the shoot, Alicia starts crying. Apparently, if you weren’t aware of that fact already, she had a tough childhood.
Remember when I told you that Shannon didn’t say anything about her shoot? Well, Alicia does the opposite and states that her favorite part was the topless period. It’s just what Stacy needed to enter freak-a-zoïd mode. She tells Shannon that it’s not because that her shoot went well that she is… Before Stacy finishes her sentence, Shannon makes her shut up by saying that she feels confident about her shoot. Booya!
When it’s Stacy’s turn in front of the camera, Diane immediately thinks she has a weird look on her face, kind of a blank look. As a side note, it’s very bad when you’re taking pictures. She eventually picks up the pace and the photographer appreciates her good work. At one time, Jule says that Stacy shouldn’t talk so much! She walks away very confident and pretty much thinks she’s going to be on the cover of the next SI issue (and all the future ones in the years to come.)
Does This Shirt Make Me Look Mean?
This is the final review! The five folks first talk about Alicia; the words fantastic, divine and versatile are being used to describe her. She apparently has the most potential and is automatically going to the final two. Congrats to Alicia! We all are looking forward to the water works in a few minutes.
Shannon, according to Walter, has the best swimsuit body of the bunch. She also has a quirky beauty to her and is a real pro. However, like when he was 10, Joel breaks up the pajama party. As always, his dislike for Shannon shows and he says she’s not standing out enough.
Stacy did not make a good impression on Diane because of her blank stare. Joel, wearing a very, very pink shirt, thinks that’s she’s the best thing since sliced bread. He doesn’t use that expression, but I am sure he thought about it. He’s a puppet and I can make him say whatever I please.
Jule enters the game and disagreement fills the air. Joel yells, I am bored, let’s eat some popcorn. Joel thinks that the girls are even more flat chested these days in the magazines. Definite advantage to Stacy on that point. Roshumba thinks that Alicia and Shannon had the best rapport with the photographer. As a reflex, Roshumba has to defend herself because she just knows Joel is going to disagree with her. Diane steps up and says that she has to think what’s best for her magazine. Stop the insanity already and just make a decision! Jule says that she’s going to surprise some people with her decision… decision we’ll never know because the scene ends there.
A Decision of Julia Roberts Proportions
Stacy’s evaluation is up first. Walter thinks she has progressed a lot during her photo shoot while Joel admits that she still has a lot to learn and needs to grow up. Man, I agree with him! The apocalypse is definitely coming soon.
Shannon’s the second one to be evaluated and Jule says she looks better every day. Roshumba is very happy that she has learned to relax. Unsurprisingly, Joel is not sure about her at all. Do you know what would be funny? If Shannon would actually go up to him, pinch his cheek and say, “aren’t you an adorable fella!” Now, that would make good entertainment.
Diane refers to Alicia has having street smarts and Roshumba is proud of her for not losing her essence. Walter is amazed by her and thanks her for the pictures. Joel feels that Alicia is going to do well in her life, whatever happens here. He then asks her how winning would change her life; here come the waterworks! She says that she’s very passionate about her work and that it would mean the world to her. *Sniff* Shannon says that her family has given her so much and she wants to be able to give back to them. She smiles and JOEL smiles too! We are back to making the inventor of Kleenex a rich man when Stacy says that she never was the best at anything in her life and she wants to have that feeling of achievement at least once.
Well, I think you’ve all suffered enough, so here’s what happened… Stacy, we’re dropping you. She is shocked but I am most certainly not. Why? because Foreshadowing sent me a telegram right before the show started. Unfortunately, in true Alicia fashion, I dropped it in the ocean. Yeah right, I dropped it in a snow bank and it’s too cold (read: I’m too lazy) for me to go and get it. Stacy, who was so confident, so sure she had the best photo shoot in the history of all modeling, has to go back to Minnesota.
By the time you’ll be reading this, it may be too late to vote for the winner. It’s the good girl with the Christian values against the one who was a diva in episodes 1 through 4 and had a really tough childhood. Will you vote with the editing or with your eyes? Find out if Alicia or Shannon wins, next week, on the final episode!
Our time together is almost over. Have you ever seen the ocean? Send me your vacation stories at firstname.lastname@example.org