Hola! Itís another episode of the Swimsuit Model Search and if youíre watching, you deserve a round of applause. Have you rejected the programming of the other networks and found yourself glued to the TV to find out who will be dropped this week? Thanks for joining me in this adventure. Letís put on our bathing suits and enjoy some refreshments. As I am typing this, itís freezing cold outside and Iím trying to feel better about it.
Me, myself and Oh! A shiny object.
The eliminations are tough on the girls and we begin the show with Stacy being relieved she has survived the last cut. Jenna feels hurt with the entire stripper, pin-up and porn star references that the judges always make. She states that sheís a classy girl and thatís not the image she wants to portray. Alicia, our resident villain, likes Jenna and doesnít want to see her cry. Stacy calls up her dad and hears the news that her sister won some kind of Miss Something competition. This is the start of the ďPoor meĒ show, hosted by Stacy herself. She wants to be crowned the SI winner since she never won anything in her life before.
Letís stop the self-pity session; it is time for the oh-so-ever entertaining Supermodel Pass competition. We meet 200 Olympic gold medalists Eric Fonoimoana along with Kerry Walsh and Elaine Youngs. The two ladies pick their teams for a game of extreme beach volleyball. I love that sport! Granted, I canít make a good serve to save my life but I enjoy playing nonetheless. Kerryís team, the blue crew, is Krisi, Betti and Shannon. The red team (Elaineís) is Stacy, Alicia and Jenna. After an intense game, itís up to Stacy to win it for her team, at a score of 20 to 19 for the reds. Stacy finally wins something and makes the final point for the win.
It is not over yet! Stacy, Jenna and Alicia must keep the ball over their heads for the longest amount of time. The last woman standing wins. The girls last for a very long time and after 47 minutes, Eric makes them squat. Stacy is the first one to give up, but she receives congratulations from me. I take it right away since she decides to turn on the poor me session back on full mode. Boo hoo frigging hoo.
Alicia is the winner and receives a 3 stone diamond pendant. Oh lala, fancy pants! Ali must share the pass with someone. Since Jenna did such a good performance, it would be natural that she gets it, right? WRONG! Alicia is rather bitchy toward Jenna and says that if she held on just a little bit longer, she couldíve beaten her. Um, ok, thanks for the clarification. She then goes on to say that the other girls are all her friendsÖwhoa, stop the presses! Friends? Like in Iíll-Be-There-For-You amigas? Swimsuit, lies and supermodel passes, this is too much for me to take. Anyway, she gives the second pass to the ever-smiling Krisi. Jenna is shocked and Stacy is pissed. Personally, Iím neither pissed nor shocked, but if they donít bring back Josh soon, I will be at least one of these things. * Shakes fist *
Whatís cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!
The next shoot is all about the cold and icy theme. Nikko and another member of the SI hall of fame, Stacey Williams, are the ones there for the shoot. Since Alicia and Krisi
are the recipients of the SP, they get to stay in the Plush Room. Itís basically a heated tent with hot cocoa and goodies. Pshaw, these models canít handle the cold. I fear for their health; you see, these girls were at the beach in scorching heat a couple of minutes ago and now, they have a photo shoot in a giant freezer? I smell a health department fine coming.
There are 3 themes for this photo shoot; the first one is entitled ďCold as iceĒ, the second one is ďItís Raining MenĒ and the last one is ďAnimal Instinct.Ē Alicia decides to give the cold-themed one to Shannon and Stacy, since they are her strongest competition. The animal one goes to Betti and Jenna and Alicia is certain that it will be difficult. She keeps the men for Krisi and herself. The girls have 20 minutes to do their thang and Jenna is up first. She is modeling her bikini and is sporting gigantic fur boots. I rather like them, they remind me of small polar bears. Anyway, what are the animals? Cute little
(Well, rather big) doggies arrive on set. Jennaís having trouble keeping one of the dogs still; itís understandable, the dog probably thinks her polar bear boots will come alive. Bettiís up next and also has a bikiniÖwhere am I going with this? Sheís also sporting a scarf and a hat! Someone please call Carson, we have a new fashion trend on our hands. I forgot to mention that the judges are watching and they loved both Jenna and Betti. Even Joel doesnít have anything bad to say. Iím ready to bet a cheesecake and curly fries that this act wonít last for long.
Shannon and Stacy are up next and they are, as Roshumba puts it, melting the ice. Stacy feels confident that she has done the best job ever. Finally, itís Krisiís time. Six male models arrive and Iím pleased to inform you that they are mighty fine looking. I shall call them, Bob, Ross, Joey, Antonio, Enrique and Kirk. Why? Because, as youíll discover later, they were treated badly and I want them to feel important, thatís why. The adorable Krisi has fun with her models and we donít see her complaining at all. Why would she, youíre asking yourself? I shall seek answers to your questions and tell you the rest of the story.
When Alicia starts working, she starts pushing the Zoolanders around and orders them to leave the shot, one after the other. Excuse me, Miss Alicia? I donít appreciate you kicking them out. Not only is this rude for the other girls but more importantly, oh so more importantly, I need my eye candy for this show. Now, Iím pissed. I was happy but now must join all the other girls whom are mad at her for misusing her ďprops.Ē Hehehe. They called the male models, props. Thatís funny to me. She continues to fight with the photograph and Stacey Williams, basically saying that the guys donít know how to pose.
As I take a look at my notes, I realize that I wrote out the following:
Joel--->Pain in the ass. Surely, that would be a good observation on my part but itís with great regret that I must inform you that he used the pain in the ass expression to describe Alicia. Iím sorry. So very sorry. Only Roshumba thinks itís great that Alicia kicked the guys to the curb, since it shows that she has attitude. Iím not sure I agree with her on this one, if they donít stop Alicia now, what will? Sheíll kick out the judges, the rest of the contestants and have a bikini competition with the inept Zoolanders.
Cold Hard Bitch
Back at the Happy Mansion, the girls are seated at the dinner table but they are not speaking to each other. I am anxiously waiting for the doomed food item of the week but it never happens. Only random shots of the models eating are showed and I think they are still outraged by Aliciaís actions. Then again, they might just have nothing to say and they donít want to talk with their mouths open. They are classy ladies, after all.
They talk about who will be going hope and pretty much everyoneís name comes up. Shannon believes that thereís a possibility that the judges liked Aliciaís actions. Isnít she smart? When we go see our friend Betti, she says that sheís annoyed with the new and overloaded with self-esteem Stacy. Give me a break, lady, you whined throughout the last episode about your hair, let her have her ďpoor me/go meĒ marathon. Betti then inexplicably has a chit-cat with Ali. The Vegas diva states that she was not being a bitch and that she was just not feeling the guys. Next time that happens, send Ďem my way. See, problems are so easily resolved.
It is now time to check with the judges in their secret lab, to see their impressions of the icy photo shoot. Jules and Roshumba absolutely adored Stacy; they both think she was phenomenal and definitely stepped up to the plate. Joel is still annoyed with her teeth but thatís the only bitchy thing he can come up with. Hurray! Krisi is up next on the reviewing table (ok, Krisiís pictures) and they say that she has great legs but her bust is out of proportion with the rest of her body. Jenna needs to learn how to work her angles but they enjoyed her photos anyway. Shannon makes Roshumba clap with joy but they refer to her as being safe. I donít see anything wrong with that. Betti took good pictures but doesnít know how to work what she has. Finally, they kept Alicia for dessert. Joel has a lot to say about her. First of all, he says that he wouldíve probably received a phone call from the people responsible for the photo shoot if she behaved like that in real life. This is reality TV folks, so all is free game. He also states that she needs a kick in the ass. Does he have a fascination with her booty? One week itís sagging and the other he wants to kick it? We close this segment with Roshumba still backing up Aliciaís antics and Joel disagreeing. I think Jule left sometime during the discussion, coffee in hand and smoke in the other.
The time to leave has come again and the girls are taking the Supermodel Bus to the Home Depot Center. Predictions are being made and hereís what it sounded like. Betti says that sheíll stay; Stacy feels Alicia and Jenna are goners while Krisi just hopes to stay in the competition. At this point, I feel like checking my e-mail account to see if I have received an answer from Johnny Depp, agreeing on taking a road trip with me this summer. No such luck. I refresh the page and what do I see? My friend email@example.com m has sent me a brief e-mail. ďI have succeeded, with the help of a friend, at getting my job back. They had fired me because I had put salt in Joelís coffee. Wish my luck!Ē Hip, hip, hurray!
Paging Mr. Freeze
Itís cutting time! Betti, come back here, itís the elimination round, not another makeover. Joel asks the ladies to talk about the Alicia-gate. They all state that she didnít play by the rules but Betti makes a very good point by saying that whatever you have to deal with, you should make the best of it. Ali finally gets to talk and says once again that sheís not a bitch she is only dedicated. ďItís my million dollar contract, Iíll do anything to get it.Ē Thanks for clarifying sweetie, I thought this was a competition but since itís yours already, kick them all out of there!
The Stacy show is finally over for today, as she is safe for another round. She just needs to work out everyday and learn to work with her smile. Shannon is next and they praise her for two secondsÖthen Roshumba points out the creasing under her eyes and the fact that she spent a lot of time in the sun. For the people that thought Shannon was over 25, this may be another hint. Shannon isÖ a commercial break? I normally donít include this in the recap, but I didnít have my food infuriating moment. See, I donít usually pay attention to advertisements but something caught my attention. ďThe following program is brought to you by KFC.Ē WHAT? I thought it was hilarious, for some reason. Okay, back to my girl Shannon, Joel finds her too mechanical but sheís safe!
Jenna receives the same comments she always does, which is highly disappointing; she moves well but she stills looks too pin-up. She also has some trouble with her angles and they all expected more out of her. With all that, she is surprisingly safe.
Krisi and her smile are up next. We all notice that she has a great deal of energy and that sheís fun to be around. However, the judges canít seem to get over her over-boobage and she still has a lot to learn. They send the lovely girl packing.
Itís down to the wire and the battle of the divas begins. Roshumba is not sure why Betti hid her hair with the hat in the photo shoot, because she loves her Afro. So thatís why she was sporting the hat! They pretty much give her lots of good comments. The judges feel Alicia wasted some time with her shoot and needs to learn how to work with the others. Ultimately, Betti is going home and boy is she mad!
The Duran Duran song ďWhat Happens TomorrowĒ is our cue that the show is almost over. They are now down to the final 4! Only 3 more shows to go and we can be free at last. If you feel like it, take a look at the latest pictures of the girls; it will soon be the time to vote for the winner.
Join me in glorious battle next week as someone else is sent packing. I still hold out a little bit of hope for Josh the Bartender but it is unlikely. I hope next weekís shoot will be filled with male models so that Alicia can send them my way.
Donít try to send e-mails to foreshadowing, he's too busy.
Do you have an extra blanket to spare? firstname.lastname@example.org