Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search Recap: Fake Boobies R Us
Welcome! Take off your shoes, have a seat and enjoy a drink. My name is Silverstar and I’ll be your recapper for this new exciting show. We’ll be meeting 12 lovely ladies, see beautiful locations but more importantly, guaranteed drama. I did forget to mention that this is a swimsuit competition. For those of you who are watching, the drinks are on me. Sounds good? Fasten your seatbelt and let’s get it started.
Come On, Shake Your Body Baby, Do The Conga
The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is a 40-year tradition that just keeps on getting more popular. Our contestants will be competing for one amazing prize. Dramatic Voiceover Man over at NBC informs us that not only will the winning lady have a spread in the 2005 issue of SI:SE but also a one million dollar contract with NEXT model management. Cha-Ching! Thousands of model hopefuls tried out for the show, from Mississippi to Queens. Since there will only be 6 episodes of this show and we don’t have time to waste, the 12 finalists have already been chosen and they are off to Malibu. This is for Sports Illustrated, so the girls will have to face gruelling, tough and downright inhuman physical challenges. We all know that living in a mansion is simply a terrible punishment in itself. The theme song for this show is Duran Duran’s “Girls On Film” and there will be other songs from the band featured throughout the episode. 80’s represent!
Photographers greet the models, bright lights surround them and you can feel the excitement. Cheryl Tiegs greets them and presents the 3 judges who will decide their fate. First up is Jule Campbell, the founding editor of the SI swimsuit issue. Up next is Roshumba Williams, TV personality and SI hall-of-famer (there is such a thing, yes, and Miss Tyra is also a member.) Finally, we meet Joel Wilkenfeld, president of NEXT Model Management. He’s the one you want to impress. He’s the Simon or the Donald. I don’t think he knows how to smile. Enough about these people, let’s meet the stars of this show!
Real Or Fake, That Is The Only Question.
This incredibly annoying man, the show’s runway director, appears out of nowhere with a very purple shirt. His name is Nikko and I want him to leave right now. The girls have 15 minutes to prepare for a runway show! They are instructed to wear their most elegant clothes and… wait, wrong idea. They are instructed to wear their sexiest bathing suits (read: not too sexy because you don’t want to look trashy yet sexy enough that the judges are impressed.) While we see them get ready, Stacy declares that her breasts are real. 10 minutes in the show and we’re already talking boobies! We hear one other girl concur and then, the camera focuses on Krisi. By the looks of the FORT forums, she’s the most popular contestant, pre-show. Krisi states that her breasts are *drumroll* not real! The interrogation begins. When asked, “how much were they” she answers, “you mean like size or price?” Poor, poor Krisi. Do you still want to know the answer to at least one of those questions? I’ll tell you anyway: they cost $3,975. She’s also thinking of getting butt implants. I’d suggest another kind of implant, but I’ll just leave it at that. Is anyone here a fan of the show Pinky and the Brain?
It’s showtime. Let me introduce you to Adaora. She’s doing this for the love of money. This 20 year-old from Connecticut is 6ft tall and has a beautiful smile. Shannon is a 23 year-old Texan and for her, it’s all about winning this competition. Marcela: this 21 year old from Illinois was looking at pictures and thought she could make it as a model. Nancy, from Chicago, IL, is the resident intelligent/beautiful/IwanttobeherwhenIgrowup contestant. I’m immediately thinking this girl could make it far. Jenna, 19, from Dallas,TX, is very beautiful and she wants to win badly.
Shantel’s mom used to be a model and she wants to be just like her when she grows up. She is 19 years old and resides in Spring, TX. Sabrina (20, from Macon, GA) is not a slacker and measures 5'11½". Stella walks like a cat and thinks she can represent Latin American women. I love her bathing suit. She’s 20 years old and hailing from Guaynabo, Puerto Rico. Our friend Krisi seems to be shy walking down the runway and starts crying in her interview. This 23 year-old from Little Rock, AR sure brings great assets to this competition. *ahem* Alicia had a hard time growing up. She wants to be a princess and make all of her dreams come true when she gets older. This Vegas chick is 19 years old and you can see that she won’t let the others bring her down. Rowrrr. Betti, the mama of the house, has a 7 year-old daughter. She’s from Miami, FL and is by far the oldest contestant at 27 years of age. Finally, we meet Stacy (19, from South Saint Paul, MN) who thinks the other girls are all purrrrty.
Come On Barbie, Let’s Go Party
The models are let loose in the Barbie dream house. This is where I get a bit frustrated with the show. They are gathered around the table and get ready to eat. We see Stacy taking one small piece of lettuce because she doesn’t want to gain 5 pounds. Then comes the chocolate cake fiasco. Who wants some cake? Shock! Horror! Apocalypse! 3 of them actually eat some. Remember this fact. The kind producers of the show help me refocus by putting Enrique Iglesias on my TV screen. Oh! It’s not zee latin lovah that used to have a mole, it’s Josh, the bartender. I feel like I’m watching Paradise Hotel again. Handsome Josh fulfills his duty and gives out a fake copy of Sports Illustrated for them to read. The drama has already started, as numerous girls say they are either threatened or plain dislike Alicia. Oh! It’s on now, girlfriend! *snaps fingers in Z formation*
If you paid close attention to my recap, you know that there will be arduous physical challenges on this show. Three drill sergeants arrive blowing whistles and disturb the girls from their sunbathing session. The one that lasts the longest, doing the rotation of jumping jacks, push-ups and sit-ups, wins the Supermodel Pass! It comes down to Nancy and Sabrina and Sabrina wins.
My best friend Nikko comes back, wearing an olive-colored shirt. He's blowing a whistle like a madman to wake up everyone. Have these people ever heard of alarm clocks? It’s time for the photo shoot and to change into their sweat suits. Over at the beach, I’m amazed at what I see. Twelve ladies all dressed in pink suits. Pink Ladies. Summer lovin’, had me a blaaast. We meet the photographer, Brian Lovely. Ha Ha! Sabrina uses the power invested in her by the Supermodel Pass and chooses to go first. She then randomly picks the order in which her fellow Pink Ladies will go. When it’s Jenna’s turn, she gets bruised up a little bit and bravely says: “that’s the life of a model.” You go, girl. Stacy is sporting a yooge hat; Alicia brings a prop with her, but leaves without her paddle.
Say My Name!
The judges deliberate on who’s staying and who’s swimming back home. They all love Jenna, she was one of the favorites. The trio thinks that Stacy has a Julia Roberts smile but needs to learn how to move better. Stella is excellent at walking the runway but lacks that special thing in her pictures. Adaora is not impressing them and her jaw is a big problem. Next up is Shantel… or is it Shannon? This is not a good sign, for whoever it is! I’m immediately reminded of last season’s ANTM where my beloved Nicole was forgotten not once but twice in the same episode. They pretty much have nothing else to say. Alicia, the resident evil one, has “love handles” and her ass is, how can I put it kindly? I can’t, the Simon wannabe says her love cushion is sagging. I guess they have to find something wrong in every girl. Betti’s problem is her hair, Krisi is amazing but the roots in her hair are showing and Shannon, the real one this time, has nothing to be remembered by. Nancy has a beautiful body, (agreed!) Marcella has been cruel with her hair and apparently; a model just can’t do that. Are we taking notes here? Be kind to your hair, ladies. Finally, Sabrina doesn’t receive any criticism on her actual pictures; they just say that she didn’t use her Supermodel Pass the way she was supposed to.
Hate To Say I Told You So
We’ve barely met the girls and we’re told we must say goodbye to 4 of them. They pack all their belongings and head over to the Staples Center. (Yay! That reminds me of the L.A. Kings) Krisi shares with us viewers that she’s going to “crap her pants” if they keep her. Would someone over at NBC please inform her that seeing a pretty girl doing that does not make for good ratings? Stacy thinks Nancy is beautiful and that she’s going to win this competition while Betti feels that Alicia will be eliminated. Fine readers, will you excuse me, I have a phone call. “Hello? Yes, this is she. Thank you for that information, I’ll talk to you later.” I’m sorry for the interruption. That was my friend, Foreshadowing, telling me about this new gig he has. Apparently, he’s going to appear before each elimination ceremony on this new TV show about swimsuit models. I’ll keep you posted.
They arrive at the Staples Center and wait for their fate to be revealed. First up is my girl Nancy. She is bodacious but her upper bo-day is not in balance with her lower part. Plus, she has no neck. ‘Nancy, we’re dropping you.” While I pick up my jaw from the floor, I realize that the judges are standing up. Why is that? Fools! I demand a recount!
Shannon makes the cut even though they probably don’t know who she is and so does Krisi. Fake booby lovers rejoice! Don’t get me wrong; I think she’s adorable. Loveable Stacy is safe but Shantel is not so lucky. Jenna, with her unsymmetrical face is staying as well as Betti. Stella, la chica muy bonita, is staying another week. Alicia, the confident one, hears what we previously had the pleasure of knowing. She has love handles and her body isn’t toned enough. It wouldn’t be a good reality show if the villain was kicked off on the first episode, correct? You’ve all guessed that she’s safe. Marcella damaged her hair too much, she’s a goner. It’s now down to Adaora and Sabrina. I won’t keep you in suspense any longer, Sabrina gets all the praise but is ultimately sent home.
The moral of this story? Shantel, Marcela and Sabrina all ate some chocolate cake. Shazam! You’re all going home.
The music of Duran Duran starts playing, there are 8 contestants left and many more competitions to come! Please tune in with me next week (you probably won’t, as you’re all watching Lost!) More drama; more sexy swimsuits and more talk about Krisi’s breasts are sure of being included.
Please keep your tomatoes and random pointy objects until next week. Free donuts are accepted! firstname.lastname@example.org