Welcome all to the fan selection show, the final six rockers’ performance night! I’m the newest recapper on the block, and will be filling in for that wonderfully witty writer/mod rocker dude, Mantenna. Those are mighty big shoes to fill…well, not that Mantenna has big feet or anything, I wouldn’t know, plus my feet are sort of big, for a girl…wait, is that the opening theme music starting? Let’s get to it!
The first spanking is the hardest
Brooke looks surprisingly demure this evening, in a simple black babydoll dress. That is, she looks demure until you notice that the top of the dress is completely sheer and that’s her bra peeking through. Perhaps the sheer top is to distract us from the deadly dull re-hash of Dilana’s disastrous press clinic interviews. There’s some footage of the quietest after-show party ever at the mansion, and Storm tries to lighten the mood by suggesting a toast to Dilana’s “first spanking”. I’m guessing she’s referring to the verbal spanking delivered by Dave and Supernova, and not something that transpired in Vegas a couple of weeks back. It’s all pretty dull stuff, but just as I’m starting to nod off, I’m startled back to consciousness by the sound of Dilana’s wineglass hitting the pool deck. Now, I’m no student of physics (actually, I had to use spell check for the word “physics”), so someone with science-type smarts will have to explain to me how a shard of wineglass somehow bounced off the pavement and managed to strike Magni squarely in the middle of his bald pate. The boys rally ‘round to cluck over Magni’s head wound, and then later gather for a hen party at poolside to tsk-tsk over Dilana’s naughty behavior – like, she could have put out Magni’s eye, dude! Ryan, the guy who never talks bad about people, opines that Dilana can’t handle being on top and that she’s self-destructing. Sighs and head-shakes all around, and the guys pick up their crochet hooks – er, their beers. Because they’re rocker guys, and they like to drink beers while they gossip and snark on their buds.
Back at the show, and Dave suggests they put the press clinic debacle to rest (yes, please!), Magni’s head wound is healed, and Dilana is again apologetic. Now for some music, right? Well, perhaps after a word from our sponsors.
The Hooters Boy and Mr. Congeniality
A quick clip of the rockers checking out the fans’ selections, and we’re off to the races, starting with Lukas. Lukas tells us he’s just a regular guy, who likes to drink beer, wear eyeliner, and worked as a fry cook at Hooters. Man, he’s not only an almost-rockstar, but he got to work at Hooters! My husband is watching with me today, and he is speechless with envy. He really, really loves those Hooters hot wings, and I admit I’m pretty fond of them myself. Anyway, Lukas is performing Lithium for us this evening, and has the unenviable task of trying to outdo Dilana’s version. He hits the stage in what looks like the same white jacket Patrice wore for her swan song last week, but that’s where any comparisons end, as he does a fabulous job with his rearrangement of the Nirvana tune. Dave and SN heap praise on him, but stop just short of saying it was better than Dilana’s.
Up next is Magni, the guy who’s just too nice to be a rockstar. His head gets cut open because of some wacky broad and all he does is grab a chair cushion and wipe off the blood. You don’t have to be Pam Anderson to know that Tommy Lee probably wouldn’t take that kind of thing so well.
Magni gives a witty, self-deprecating voiceover asking his mates’ respective countries to throw some votes his way, as we see footage of his awkward photo shoot beside the suave posings of Toby, Lukas and Ryan. Awww. It makes me feel all warm & fuzzy towards Magni as he swings into his fan’s choice, I Alone. It’s my personal favorite performance of Magni’s to date, as his vocals are spot-on, and he does a great job working the stage, even dashing up to the band’s pod. Dave and SN love it as well and Gilby tells him he brought that “extra something” they’ve been looking for.
Reining in the dark horse
A quick plugging of SN’s upcoming tour by Brooke, and it’s Ryan’s turn on the stage. We get a clip of Ryan patting himself on the back for his weekly improvement, and then there’s a little bit of patented Mark Burnett foreshadowing, as Ryan tells us he’s gaining momentum, and feels like he could win. Whoa there, dark horse! There’s the matter of a little Coldplay song you have to get through first. Ryan is back at the piano this week, and will be singing Clocks. The first few bars are eerily similar to the sounds that a horse makes when he breaks a leg, and Ryan, not content to merely toss guitars, kicks over his piano bench and leaps atop his instrument. His vocals smooth out a bit and he delivers a strong performance, with some more hopping on and off the piano. The SN boys approve, with the notable exception of Jason, who says that the piano/vocal thing is Ryan’s forte, and when he steps out from behind the piano, he “loses the plot” as a frontman. The crowd boos weakly and Ryan looks slightly rattled as Brooke segues into the next break.
It’s what all the kids are writing on their hands these days
On to Storm, who is taking on Evanescance’s Bring Me To Life. She’s worried because she’s never sung it, and it’s a hard song – Jill sang it, after all. I think some chick named Amy-something may have done a pretty fair job singing it too. The original vocals (and Jill’s, apparently) are tough to match, but Storm is game. She even gets gussied up for the task, and looks ravishing in a red dress and boots. Storm has also recruited Toby for backup vocals, which turns out to be a risk that would have been better not taken by our unafraid blonde bombshell. Her vocals are good, and in this humble recapper’s opinion, she comes thisclose to pulling off the song. She gets a mixed bag of reviews and backhanded compliments – Dave thinks she pulled it off (but then lauds Toby’s backup performance as “awesome”), Gilby tells her it wasn’t as memorable as Jill’s version (owwwch), and Jason damns her with faint praise by telling her that effort counts (double owwwch).
Toby, the self-proclaimed joker of the group, is up next. And he has had his moments at the mansion, including pie-ing Ryan and tricking Dilana into streaking for Every Breath You Take. After the chuckles subside, Toby tears into Billy Idol’s Rebel Yell, previously performed by Lukas. His vocals are good, and he thrills several female audience members when he pulls them onstage. Tommy, who’s been pretty demure himself this evening up to this point, leaps to his feet and applauds during Toby’s little fangirl dance number. Dave and Gilby give Toby the thumbs-up, and Tommy…well, Tommy’s just happy that Toby gets everyone to get naked. Tommy also invites the fangirls to a party backstage, and Toby displays more of his wit by suggesting that they better check the ladies’ ID first. The girls scream and wave their arms in the air, and we see that they have all written “EVS” on the palms of their hands. Whatever.
The King and Queen of Mistakes
Dilana will again close out the show, with her take on Tracy Bonham’s Mother, Mother. She wants to move on (yes, please) and will use the stage to let her emotions out. This song is perfect for Dilana, and she should kill it. She starts off playing guitar, which she removes halfway through the song (she doesn’t trash it – smart move, if she doesn’t get this gig she may need to use it for busking on street corners). She delivers an intense performance and it’s safe to say no one is going to think Jill’s version is more memorable than this one. Dave says this is his favorite performance in two seasons of Rockstar, and says he’s happy she’s moving on (you know, Dave, it would be easier to move on if YOU DIDN’T KEEP FREAKING BRINGING IT UP). Tommy, also not content to let it go, tells her that he’s “the king of mistakes” and advises her to consider it a life lesson (how bad have you screwed up when you’re forced to listen to Dr. Phil-type advice from Tommy Lee?). Gilby and Jason, thankfully, limit their comments to praise for the performance.
So who’s the first results bottom 3 from this night of solid performances? We have Storm, Ryan, and first-timer Lukas (that’s what you get for saying you don’t like Nirvana, buddy). There’s no clear stinker in the remaining six and after Dilana’s meltdown (OK, so I’m having a hard time moving on myself), it’s anyone’s game to win. Catch you on the flip side!