Welcome, rock fans to yet another results show. I’m taking over for tots this week, and I already feel more rockin’ than usual. In fact, as I type this, I’m wearing red glitter eye shadow, a gold lamé jumpsuit, and a Mohawk hoodie. Overkill? You bet! But that’s what makes it rock and roll, or so I’ve been told. Last night the contestants left their amps at home and put on quite the unplugged show. There were some hits, some misses, and even a Starman. What’s in store for tonight? Let’s stage dive in and find out!
Truthiness and Triumph
Brooke comes out and says there is a huge surprise in store for the audience tonight. But before I have time to wonder if that means Tommy Lee’s got a video camera with him, Brooke neatly moves on to introducing the judges, Dave Navarro and the Supernova gang. They’re all looking particularly hyped tonight, and I hoped it had something to do with the “surprise” Brooke alluded to, but alas, Brooke quickly dashes all my hopes by saying that Tommy has promised to keep his clothes on for the evening. Anyway, there’s always next week.
Tonight we get a rehashing of past events, highlights including Zayra campaigning against Ryan to perform her own original song, Toby going to great lengths for the chance to jam with Gilby, Lukas mugging for the camera, Patrice sucking all the energy from the room, and Storm flopping harder than a dying fish. Back at the mansion Storm laments her performance; she realizes she was awful, but didn’t expect the harsh criticism she received from Sn, because she apparently thought they were all her good buddies who would lie to spare her feelings instead of her judges. I now offer Storm a reality check to be cashed as soon as possible at the First National Bank of Get A Clue. Everyone knows that Storm will be in the bottom three tonight. Dave asks her how she felt about her performance, and Storm says she gave 1000% of herself to the song and stands by it. Dave gives her props for being strong enough to take tough criticism.
After Dave quickly pats Toby on the back for his willingness to be nekkid on camera, Gilby announces that tonight, and for the next few weeks, selected rockers will be performing (OMG!) with (OMG!) Supernova themselves (O.M.G!!!!!). We see each of the remaining rockers in the studio getting down with the band, putting their different spins on this week's debut song. And some of the spins are quite different, I must say. For instance when everyone else sings “Come on and leave the lights on,” Lukas chooses “Come on and weave yo rice on,” giving the tune a whole new interpretation. That, my friends, is artistry. Or a severe speech impediment. Either way, it’s even money that he or Dilana will be chosen to front the band tonight, as Sn seems to be most deeply digging the two of them.
Gilby makes certain to reassure everyone that their choice is not meant to imply that the contest is over, and the contestants all nod their heads in a most unconvinced fashion. But it’s cute that Gilby tried to make the losers feel better about their loserishness. He’s obviously filling the supportive big brother role in this outfit. Where Jason is the grizzled old uncle with a never-ending supply of war stories, and Tommy is … I don’t know, something like the dope man around the corner. Anyway, turns out that the band has picked Dilana to sing with them tonight, and all the other kids do a good job of looking pleased for her as their hearts break from the crippling disappointment.
Didja Know Sn = Tin On The Periodic Table? I could make a cruel joke about potential album sales, but I won’t.
Dilana does a great job of commanding the stage while Supernova jams behind her. She isn’t even the slightest bit fazed when 4 fly girls come out on stage to join her in some rhythmic writhing. There’s tons of flashing lights and dazzle, and cool camera jumps, but all in all the performance and the song were pretty generic, and on the bland side of good for me. Maybe they weren’t just being ironic when they named their band after the astronomical phenomenon of a dying star.
But the band themselves look pleased as punch with the performance, and Dave declares them awesome. He urges the rest of the crew to keep that in mind when they’re choosing and singing songs. That stage is their goal.
Brooke asks Supernova themselves to weigh in, and Jason gives Dilana an enthusiastic thumbs up. But he does remind us once again that THE CONTEST ISN’T OVER, just in case you thought this was the last show.
It’s encore time now, and Jason informs us that Ryan will be taking another shot at his “super-dynamic” version of Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight.” Ryan gladly reprises his vulnerable tortured soul act, to measured reception from the audience and the judges. But there’s really no chance to bask in his adequacy, as it’s now time to expose the rockers in the bottom three.
Cutting The Slack
Brooke reminds us that last night, Zayra, Patrice, and Toby were in the bottom three before the show ended. Magni and Storm also fell into the bottom three at some point during the evening’s voting. Dave is shocked to see Magni and Storm in the bottom, tacitly implying that he thinks the rest of them sucked enough hosewater to be in the dud group. Nothing personal, I’m sure.
The first member of the official bottom three is no shock: Zayra, everybody's favorite Björkian Butterfly. She’s chosen to sing Blue October’s “Razorblade,” in what for her is a very staid ensemble – black leather trench and black tights. Her performance is typical Zayra; a lot of arm flailing, and wailing, staccato, almost spoken-word lyrical delivery, and some off-key screeches thrown in at will for good measure. She finishes to very generous applause, because, you might as well cheer her on for hanging in this thing so long purely on the strength of her charisma.
Next in the bottom three is dear Patrice. Looking very much the Cool Mom in a sloppy ponytail and a white jacket with a popped collar, she will be singing “Celebrity Skin,” which you may remember Lukas performing a couple weeks back. Try to forget that, because Patrice knocks his job right out of the water, cockily and compellingly engaging the audience and the house band, and giving quite a good vocal performance, even pointedly teasing the judges with the line, “You better watch out, ‘cause I’m not selling cheap.” Patty (doesn’t that just fit her better, somehow?) leaves quite an impression on the audience and the judges, who give her very enthusiastic cheers when she’s finished.
Magni is our last potential bootee, and everyone but everyone seems shocked to find him there. But he takes it all in stride, and launches into an excellent version of Radiohead’s “Creep,” which you may also recall as being previously Lukassed. I smell a conspiracy on the part of Patrice and Magni to make everyone realize just how meh Lukas really is, because Magni also goes on to trample all over Lukas’ version. It’s an excellent performance, full of conviction and what’s more, good singing. It actually feels organic, and the audience eats it right up; Dilana is even moved to tears by Magni’s passionate delivery. I daresay Magni has just saved himself from the Hatchet Man’s blade tonight.
But, someone must go home. Gilby compliments Zayra on her risky choices (chief of which being, I believe, appearing on this show with precious little musical ability). He then tells Patrice that Tin has to consider why she always ends up in the bottom three. He sends Magni back to the safety corner and lets Tommy do the dirty work. Mr. Lee makes short work of crushing Zayra’s hopes, and tells her that he doesn’t think she has potential as a front-woman for this band. No one is shocked. But, there is a touching air of melancholy over the whole affair. Dave softens the blow a bit by reiterating Zayra’s weirdly compelling star-power, and Z herself rambles on a bit about her long, strange trip. Jason wishes her good luck, and with that, the eccentric little elf takes her bows and gives out her final hugs. She promises we will see more of her, and that’s cool, so long as it’s not on stage with a band. Maybe she’d be tolerable in some type of performance art setting. I’m thinking blue paint and a wailing mandolin.
Tune in next week as another rocker gets the chance to jam with Supernova, and Lukas takes the stage sans makeup. Okay, I was kidding about that last part, but I bet you’re excited now, eh?
My silver lamé catsuit’s at the cleaners. firstname.lastname@example.org om