Friends, I regret to inform you that the government has been lying to you all along. As I type this, I can hear the black helicopters buzzing outside my window, and I will surely disappear within minutes, but the truth must be known. The government knows, the big media knows, Tommy Lee knows! Extraterrestrials walk among us, live among us, shriek among us! Their invasion begins now.
So, yeah, welcome back to Rock Star: Supernova! Brooke is wearing a lovely outfit made from “see-through” and “more-see-through” material, and informs us that the voting has seen a 40% increase since last week. Wow, this joke is done to death, but can you imagine if the real election had an increase in voting of that amount? We could elect a new supreme rock president of Earth, who could succeed Ronnie James Dio. *rimshot* Oh, but seriously, folks. All he does these days is root around in his vegetable garden.
Brooke asks Tommy how he feels about the Supernova experience so far, and Tommy defers to the “peeps,” who cheer wildly. He concurs with the “peeps,” saying he’s having fun.
Oh, indeed, we are, too! Magni, Dilana, and Toby are given kudos for great performances, while some were not as great. They are not having such fun, and among this group is Zayra, Jill, and Chris. You can read about their open mic night experiences in Tots' recap, which is mo' better than the in-show recap. After the performances, these three all talked a big game, getting all defensive about their critiques.
Lukas, whose comments were not even that harsh, most assuredly is NOT harming his voice by gargling with shards of glass. He is most indignant that Jason Newstead would liken his vocal cords to a precious instrument! Wait. . . .
Jill most assuredly did NOT rip off this Courtney Love cover, people. She is very angry at all these accusations!
And Chris has most assuredly NOT been possessed by Jobriath, resulting in his pretty, crimped hair, painted nails, and just that right touch of mascara that really makes the eyes pop!
Wait. Actually, he’s defensive about the comment that his faux-Scottish-accent rendition somehow didn’t seem genuine. Golly.
So, yes. Would you like a little cheese to go with that whine? Now, the rockers have had a chance to soak up all their comments, like lovely, nourishing gumption-juice, and state their case against the judges.
Chris, with all the cameras on him, really soaked up those comments and took them to heart. No hard feelings. Same goes for Lukas and Jill. The cowards!
Of course, then there is Zayra, who got all up in Gilby’s grill about the accusation that she didn’t know for what Supernova was looking and probably hadn’t heard any of their previous records, either. Last night, she said she was too young to have heard their records—those freaking archaeological exhibits. Gilby asks her whether or not she thinks it’s important to be familiar with their previous work, and she dances around the question, saying that she admires them and wants to achieve their stardom. When asked point-blank if she’s heard them, she claims that she was poor in Puerto Rico, and only had 45's, not full albums.
Right. So she was listening to 45's in her diapers. Whatever . . . she’s too young for 45's, 33-1/3's, or even 78's. For the folks at home, Tommy Lee explains that these mystical “45's” are records—more specifically, ones with “forty-five revolutions per second.”
Per second!? Is that so, Tommy. That sounds quick enough to be slice-your-limbs-off dangerous to me. And to think, they put children’s stories on those whirling discs of doom.
Enough of Tommy Lee Goes to College Part II. Toby, who advised the rockers to not get pig-headed about criticism, is praised by the band for not being a whiner and taking up so much airtime. For this, and his spectacular performance of The Killers’ “Somebody Told Me,” he wins the encore performance. He does another nice job, and I notice that, even though he doesn’t jump around onstage like a (dare I say?) kangaroo, he really commands the audience. Good on ya, mate! (Nope, the Aussie jokes never get old.)
But, don’t get too comfortable, Toby, because in this game, NO ONE IS SAFE. Brooke announces the bottom three in the opening moments of the voting window:
Jill, Chris, and Zayra.
But! did it stay this way all night!? Anything can happen! It’s wild! Commerical break! The Fit is Go!™
It didn’t change too much. Jenny was in there at some point, too.
So, as we know, the true bottom three contestants will each have to perform a song of their choice to determine their fate. I dread the day when someone chooses “Freebird,” because the House Band will just up and quit. I know it.
First up is Jill, who chooses to redeem herself with Evanescence’s “Bring Me to Life.” Sans Spanish guitar, I recall how this was actually a decent tune, and Jill, turning back to singing from screaming, delivers a smash. Her vocals are powerful, but now clearly under control, which brings a refinement that was absent from her previous performances. The camera keeps cutting to Zayra, who can tell that she’s been blown out of the water, and stands fuming with hands-on-hips.
Next up is—hey!—Zayra, who chooses to reprise her performance of “You Really Got Me.” She just thinks the arrangement is so great and says something about the incorporation of electronica, which she apparently knows that the guys in Supernova are going to include in their music. I don’t know, sweetheart. See, these guys play instruments.
During her performance, which I’m rather appalled on her behalf that she chose to repeat, I can’t help but think that Zayra is some sort of alien. She jumps around spastically, shrieks inhumanly, and her behavior really offers no other logical explanation—she is from another planet. A planet with really bad music. I can see the guys from Supernova laughing during the bacchanal of horror, and I highly doubt that they’re laughing with her.
The thing that confuses me the most is that Zayra is supremely confident in her abilities. When she was announced as being in the bottom three and asked if she was surprised, she replied, “Hell yeah! Hell yeah I’m surprised! I’m wondering what the hell happened!” Well, after that display, so are we.
Finally, the final member of the bottom three is announced: Chris. He’s decided to show everyone who the real Chris Pierson is with a stripped-down, acoustic version of Tonic’s “If You Could Only See.” It’s by far the most engaging performance I’ve seen from Chris, as he delivers the vocals with sincerity and polish. Could this actually be the real Chris?
Supernova deliberates for about three seconds, and Tommy Lee, as the hatchet man, pronounces the verdict: Chris, you’re gone! Apparently, after spending two weeks at the bottom of the heap, even Chris’ greatest performance yet wasn’t able to keep him alive. Chris is very gracious, and Tommy declares that “there are no losers here.” Right. Just some lesser winners, who get to go home. I’ll remember that, and with all hope it will take me far.
So Chris has gone before the Martian? What a travesty!
It makes me wonder if there isn’t something deeper going on here. . . . Well, just know, fair readers, that I will do everything in my power to bring you the truth behind this Supernova scrim.
Of whom is this Mantenna you speak? Please send any information to UnmarkedHelicopters@mib.gov