I am SO under whelmed. On this episode of Rock Star: Supernova, we had three categories of performances. Good impersonations, really bad impersonations, and…Lukas. As easy as it is to detest him as a person, you have to admit that (so far) he seems like the only real fit for Supernova. Before you hit ‘reply’ and start telling me just how wrong I am, let remind you that in real life I am a tattooed, purple-haired, lip-pierced, bitch-slappin’ bad-ass. So you best listen to what I have to say and show some respect. Holla. Seriously though, I’m not really impressed with these ‘rockers’ so far. Show me a Marty, and I’ll show you something entertaining to tune into. In the meantime, let me take you on a journey through my head as I watched this episode.
The lovely Brooke Burke, dressed tonight in a cleavage-baring orange dress, reminds us that Duran Duran-loving Matt was eliminated last week. Gilby wants to point out that they went easy on the rockers last week, and Tommy notes that he feels bad being the “hatchet guy” for Supernova. Without further ado, let the show begin!
Nordic rocker Magni is up first, with The Who’s “My Generation.” Cool, that’s a good little tune. With my highly trained ear (read: my musician husband who sits beside on me on the sofa providing critique) I can tell that Magni knows his way around this block. He sounds good, he looks OK, but he is boring to watch. Jason praises him for his control, but Tommy finds the performance a bit ho-hum. In his exact words: “I enjoyed the ho, just need a lit more hum.” And coming from Tommy’s mouth, that phrase takes on several layers of meaning. Magni appreciates the feedback, but looks confused by this advice. Next!
Next up is Jenny. Not to extend Amber Frey’s fifteen minutes, but home girl is a dead ringer. Ooh; bad choice of words? Closing my eyes so as to avoid thoughts of the mistress of murderer, I am absolutely cringing at her song selection. “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell?! First – I hate to hear beloved songs mangled, and second – WHY? After the Duran Duran fiasco, wouldn’t it be wise to avoid the 80’s synth pop altogether? Nevertheless, Jenny is going with it. And, oh HELL no, she is mangling it beyond belief. By the time she is finished, I am curled in a fetal position, my husband is gaping (whether at her abs or her self-destruction, I do not know) and I’m hoping for a commercial break to ease the pain. Gilby ended up enjoying the song by the time she got into the meat of it, and Dave gives her a throw away compliment about her performance and then says she looks like she is starving and to go get a sandwich.
Jill. Oh, Jill, why? Her song for the night is Hole’s “Violet”. Remember in my first paragraph when I mentioned those bad impersonations? This is the baddest of them all. She starts out her performance while clutching a bouquet of dead roses, while wearing a girly-girl short white dress and looking like a bipolar bride. On the cover of “Live Through This,” Courtney Love is wearing a tiara, clutching a bouquet of withered carnations and looks like a bipolar prom queen. Closing my eyes and trying to give her a chance to shine instead of judging her for her bad Halloween costume, I’m even more disappointed. Jill spent too much effort jumping, rolling and writhing to focus on what was coming out of her mouth. She truly sounded like crap. Dave wastes no time calling her out for being a copycat, Gilby thinks she is a better singer than what she just screamed, and Tommy just wants to know if she is wearing any underwear under that short dress.
Next up is the perplexing Latin beauty that is Zayra. I can’t put my finger on exactly who she reminds of, but when I look at her there is a constant exclamation mark running through my brain. What is it about her? She is singing “You Really Got Me” by the Kinks tonight. Wait: what she’s doing is talking “You Really Got Me” by the Kinks. I’m pretty sure she didn’t sing a note the whole way through. I wanted to reach through my television, brush her bangs out of her eyes and slap some sense into her. Granted, she moves around on the stage in a very interesting way, but I found her performance to be lacking. The dinosaurs question if Zayra has EVER heard any of their music before, and she hysterically retorts that she has heard OF them, but was in diapers when that music was popular. Hee. To their credit, the guys take the remark with good humor, and send Zayra off with a “much love” from Tommy.
One of the bottom three last week, Chris is now onstage performing “Take Me Out” by Franz Ferdinand. Forgive me my obsession with appearances, but Chris FREAKS ME OUT. Again, the exclamation mark is running through my head, until my husband suggests that it looks like Chris’ mouth is upside down. Is that what it is?! Something is so weird about him. Oh, you want to hear about his performance? Meh. Dave says he felt like he was watching some dude who won a charity event and got a chance to perform with a great band. It was just boring. When Chris presses for more specific criticism so that he can learn from his mistakes, he is told that a certain level of authenticity is lacking. I have to agree with that, and I’m thinking this may be our next boot.
After getting last week’s encore, Dilana steps up to perform “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash. Say what? Considering that Dilana looks quite capable of whooping some serious butt in a bar fight, I decide to shut my mouth and sit back and watch. Again, I have to close my eyes to enjoy her – I’m distracted by thoughts of her spending late nights crushing beer cans on her forehead, and um, partaking in human sacrifices. She’s so scary! To be fair, when she speaks, she seems like a really nice person. I’m just going to keep my distance if you don’t mind. (I love you, Dilana! *mwah*) Back to “Ring of Fire” – wow. I’m not a big fan of her style of singing, but I have to say this was interesting and unique. Dilana may quite possibly be the only female in the universe that can pull off a Johnny Cash song. And she’s got the entire audience in the palm of her hand, arms up and swaying. Dave gives her a scare when he says “So you took a classic Johnny Cash song and turned it into that?!” Her hand flies up to her mouth in horror until he adds, “That was awesome!” Tommy concurs, and it seems Dilana is still one of their favorites. I’m just curious to see how much range she has.
Next, Nick Lachey takes the stage. Um, I mean Josh. Sorry Josh, but you are not right for this competition! He definitely can sing, and does a decent impersonation of Creed’s Scott Stapp singing “With Arms Wide Open.” Except, he boy-banded his way through the whole thing, adding little trills and runs and even doing “the finger.” You know the finger – think Elliott Yamin. Think, well, Nick Lachey. His performance is deemed “average” and he is warned to lay off of the vocal acrobatics and save it up for occasional impact.
Human bobblehead Phil is next to take the stage. He comes through with a decent copy of “If You Could Only See” by Tonic. Nothing really great or horrible about his singing, but I got a little seasick watching his bouncy head. It’s almost like he has palsy or something. Maybe he does, but I doubt it. I get this feeling that Phil thinks he is God’s gift to all creation, and that the wiggle just enhances the experience for us. He literally pouts when he hears his feedback, like a 10 year old girl trying to get her way with Daddy. Jason makes me laugh when he says he also has to close his eyes to enjoy Phil onstage. “I just want to see you plant your feet and CRUSH IT!” he says. Thank you.
A large storm blows through, depositing Storm Large onstage to perform “Surrender” by Cheap Trick. OK, that was my first and last attempt to make a joke out of her name, because it does a fair job on its own. Sorry about that. Ms. Storm, cute and bubbly, gets through the song and the audience seems to love it. Maybe she’s a bit too cute and bubbly for her own good, though. Dave says it was a good show, but a bit too Broadway for his taste. He says “I want you to have character. I don’t want you to BE a character.” Dave’s on a roll tonight. Where’s the lech that we all know and love? It seems like Tommy is filling those shoes this time around.
Patrice plants herself center stage with her electric guitar and brings us “Heart Shaped Box” by Nirvana. She holds her own vocally, especially impressive since she is playing an instrument at the same time. Dave loved her, but Tommy wants to see her sling her guitar lower and promises to buy her a longer strap. Gilby likes that she stays true to who she is and encourages her to keep doing that.
Love him or hate him, Lukas is up next and doing “Don’t Panic” by Coldplay. I was alarmed that a song popularized by gentle soul Chris Martin would be attempted by anyone else, let alone the intensity that is Lukas. But he shocks the hell out of me and does an excellent and unique version of one of my favorite songs. Whodathunkit? He gets rave reviews from the Supernova guys, with Dave applauding that Lukas has one foot in current rock and one foot in the future. The only concern comes from Jason, who worries that Lukas is going to harm his vocal chords the way he constrains his voice on some notes.
Next up on stage, but leaving his guitar behind tonight, is Ryan. He’s going to give the old college try with “Jumping Jack Flash” by the Stones. And when I say college… I mean it. This guy looks like he just strolled off of the campus of UC Berkeley, what with his plaid shirt and sneaks. He just needs a Jansport backpack to complete the look. His is another of those “meh” performances of the evening. Dave goes so far as to say he started falling asleep during the song. Tommy stands up and does a killer Mick Jagger impersonation, and says when you’re covering a song by a show boat, “show me some boat, bitch!” I’m really starting to like this Tommy Lee guy. What a nut.
Wee Dana, the baby of the competition, is next to show her stuff and she has selected Steppenwolf’s “Born to Be Wild.” Dana should seriously consider changing her name to Lolita, as she spent her time on stage writhing and throwing bedroom eyes at all and sundry. Do I even remember how her performance was? Not really. I just feel like I was violated. Not that she was bad, just blah. Dave gives her the following critique: “Born to be MILD.” That pretty much sums it up. Jason throws her a bone and says she has a great, even powerful voice, and that she is good clay to work with.
Rounding out this long night of mediocrity, Toby is last to take the stage with The Killers’ “Somebody Told Me.” I have this odd sense of déjà vu… didn’t we hear most, if not all, of these songs last season? Come on people: 50+ years of rock and roll under our belts, and that’s all you can come up with?! To his credit, Toby from Down Unda has a great voice, and is easy on the eyes to boot. Gilby tells Toby that he is doing a great job of picking the right songs for his voice, and that he “killed” it. *rim shot* Tommy points out that the ladies in the audience seem to love Toby, and Toby replies that is fortunate, because he also loves the ladies of the audience. (Except…what was up with that girl in the front row that looked liked she smelled something really stinky? Every time she was on camera, I felt like I might turn to stone from her death glare!)
Well, that’s pretty much it ladies and gents. I would caution you to think twice before checking me on my opinions. I have a broken bottle of Jack and I’m not afraid to use it on the haters. Speaking of haters, when the credits rolled, the bottom three were as follows:
Chris, of the upside-down mouth
Jill “Not Courtney” Goia
Who will the final bottom three be? Tune in tonight to see the results show, or even better, check back here tomorrow for Mantenna’s recap.
Did you fall for my scary, threatening act? STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME at firstname.lastname@example.org Toodles!