Am I the only one still giggling at the sight of Jason Newstead working the camera like a champ on a reality television show? From head banging and long hair to cleaning up nicely, I feel like I want to pinch his cheeks in that endearing way my Aunt Mildred used to do. *sigh*
Enough of the trip back amnesia lane. It results show night baby and it’s time to see which one of these wannabe rockers becomes the first footnote in Supernova trivia.
I’m always excited for the first results show. It sets the tone for the rest of the season. It’s also a good excuse to affix my eyes upon Brooke Burke. She’s decked out in a little bondage number that makes Leather Tuscadero look like a 1950’s pom-pom girl. Yes, it’s going to be a good season folks.
Adam Ant Is The New J.D.
Just like last season, all the rockers are holed up in a tiny little shack with scraps of ramen noodles and rusty tap water. There’s one flickering light bulb dangling from the ceiling as the rockers study their liner notes. Oh heck, who am I trying to kid. These rockers are swinging from the chandeliers of a swank mansion with copious amounts of Dom flowing from golden goblets. It’s a rough life I tell ya.
We’re treated to a little back story of the first week. Everyone is all moved in, snug as a bug in their million count Egyptian sheets and preening for the cameras. It’s all about proper music selection, wardrobe and not pissing anybody off.
Back on stage we see the good and the bad from last night’s performance. Dave and the boys take Chris and Phil to task for picking and arranging their performances. Chris is proud of his rendition of Roxanne. Good gravy and here I thought I was tone deaf. I hear that performance is being used as a mating call for the elusive silver tailed grizzly.
Phil ponies up some bland answer about making better song choices. He feels that since the rockers know each other a little better they can duke it out over the song selections. He wouldn’t actually knock somebody out…except for Lukas.
On that note, it looks like we found our little pot stirrer. And just like all sophomore seasons of reality shows, the antagonist must be bigger, stronger, faster and snarkier. Consider it the Six Million Dollar man of reality tv.
Does it come as any surprise that Lukas is the front runner for that title? J.D. Fortune was just a moron. This guy goes deeper than that. Without going all Nietzsche on you, this guys inner abyss is empty. Not to mention he is three stripes under his left eye shy from becoming a double in the next Adam and the Ants video. But goody, goody two shoes he isn’t and for the time being I rather enjoy the young lad from the streets of TO. Representin’ yo!
So after last nights performance, the gang is back at casa de rock star and everyone is chilling and grooving. Mandatory high fives are up and about and the obligatory phrases of “you rocked the house tonight!” are being muttered with fingers crossed tightly behind the back.
It was then that Lukas delivered the biggest buzzkill not seen since J.D. received a birthday cake enema in last season’s house show. He sat down and asked all the other rockers who they personally thought were going to be in the bottom three. Cue the Brady Bunch accident music- wah, wah, waaaaa.
You just know that everyone’s tummy rumbled and a few beads of perspiration dripped from their temple. In a brilliant piece of editing, we never get to see who calls out who in the flashback but back on stage Matt reveals that at least some of the rockers took Lukas up on his question. What we do see is the rockers turning on Lukas asking him who he thought were the bottom three.
Dave, Tommy, Jason, the tin man and the scarecrow are curious as to whom Lukas thinks should be in the bottom three. Lukas wants us to know that it was a crazy night. Yes, I’ll forgive him now. He thinks Chris, Dana and Jenny. Dana couldn’t handle Supernova let alone be at a party with them. Hilarious. Chris and Jenny rumble something about being chosen from the best blah, blah, blah.
Lithium, Delirium, and Pandemonium
There’s only one contestant who deserves their own sub title: Dilana. I’m not the only who feels that way as Supernova invites her back to center stage for the traditional encore- reserved for whom the group thought had the best performance the night before.
Honestly, she’s about one of…one who’s performance stuck in my head last night. Captivating, mysterious, and pierced, this tiny morsel of rock-n-roll goodness left me excited and scared at the same time. The only thing missing was the spewing of pea soup at the end. She entertains once again with her song choice of Nirvana’s “Lithium”. Brooke brings her down from her whippet-high by letting her know that she still could be in the bottom three.
The Bottom Three…err…Six…No, Wait…Bottom Three
Just like a six course meal, we must wade our way through the frilly appetizers and cold soups before we get to the pizza and wings. Before a commercial break Brooke teases us by having the bottom three at the end of last nights show stand up. Magni, Phil and Chris do the stand of shame and I’m curious as to whether or not these three who hit rock bottom after only two minutes of voting will remain there.
There are other’s who fall in and out of the bottom three as well. They are: Zayra, Matt and Ryan. The remaining nine little geese who’s names weren’t called are safe to frolic and gallivant for another week at the mansion. The bottom three at the end of voting will be asked to perform a song of their choice in hopes of saving their butts.
Pass the Peyote
Now we have six who must be whittled down to three and then one. One loser. Brooke starts with the first final bottom three rocker and Chris is the first to get the game show equivalent of “come on down”. He joins Brooke on center stage and has to relive the nightmare of last night’s performance of “Roxanne“. Gilby remarks that the song sucked. Ever the poet, he’s short, sweet and to the point.
Chris is going to redeem himself by tackling a huge song. He chose “L.A. Woman” by the legendary act The Doors. Oh boy. Did you hear the sound of another nail in his coffin?
Well that’s what I thought but in all fairness to Chris, this song suited him much better. No one can ever replace the immortal Jim Morrison but Chris tapped into his spirit and soon found himself writhing and rolling on the stage where the plastic dainty waif groupies awaited for him to throw them his underwear. He definitely made it harder for the judges to write him off so quickly.
Shooting For The Stars
Next up to answer the call is Phil. Last night the band thought Phil lacked stage presence and was pitchy. It was his first time singing “Cult of Personality” and he wanted to come out with a hard hitting song. He didn’t think it sucked and Tommy agrees.
To get in better graces with Tommy, Phil will be singing “Stars” by Leadfoot. Tommy loves this band and Phil sentimentally reflects that he turns to the band when in times of need.
Phil hits it hard and fast and owns the stage, much better than last night. He’s lost in his own little dream world, neglecting the gaga eyes of the tarts that lay before him, lifting their tops and begging to be added to his Myspace page < --slightly varied version of what really happened but work with me people.
This doe eyed soon-to-be cookie cutter musician for the corporate music machine works his mojo and I do believe that we’ll see him again next week.
The Reflex. Flex, Flex, Flex…Gag
After giving Ryan and Zayra a taste of what a lump of silly putty feels like in your tummy, Brooke lifts the tension and calls Matt to center stage. Last night Dave wanted Matt to bring something heavier after singing “Yellow”. Tonight Jason reiterates Dave in that he hopes Matt brought something heavier.
And for your first lesson in listening folks, whenever a band who is looking for a front man asks for something heavier, it’s probably a good idea to heed the call. What kind of heavy music is Matt bringing to the table? “Planet Earth“ by Duran Duran. Sweet Mary, you can’t even find chocolate mousse as fluffy as that band. It’s not exactly Iron Maiden there Matty boy and the chorus of laughter ensues from the audience. I was waiting for the rimshot and the long handled hook to come from side stage and pull him off by his neck.
Matt attempts to defend his song selection before realizing himself that it’s no use. Jason looks a little in disbelief but still gives hope that Matt can pull it off. There’s not much to say after that. As if he knows he’s cooked, Matt goes through the motions and puts in enough effort to get through the song. To his credit, it was the hardest version of Duran Duran to date.
Say A Prayer For Me Now
The deliberation is over and Matt, Phil and Chris dab their pits free of sweat in anticipation of hearing who’s leaving. Jason hammers home that everyone has to be serious about song selection.
Chris: good song selection. He made right but the band still questions his vocal ability.
Phil: the band thought his vocals were good. They question his performance in regards to the way he leads the band and moves around. So…I’m guessing the Carlton Dance probably isn’t a good signature dance move?
Matt: the band questioned his song selection.
Tommy leans forward to give the bad news to one of the three. Phil is told he is safe. Matt is told how important song choice was and since Matt blew chunks with a song more suited for Making The Band, it was the end of the road for him. Not that it came at any surprise and the band and Matt give their well wishes to each other.
So there you have it music fans. One down on this long and winding musical road. Join us next week for music and fun. Will Lucas create more controversy? How will Dilana top this weeks performance? More importantly, how low-cut will Brooke’s top be? All these important questions and more will be answered on next weeks Rock Star: Supernova!
Is your name Rio? Do you like Girls On Film? Email me your favorite Duran Duran song to this closet fan at firstname.lastname@example.org