Rock Star: INXS 8/23 recap: Well-Oiled Hunk Skin and the Shrieking Shame

[Shazzer]

Think about the last time you saw a banjo-playing leprechaun riding Paulie Shore’s back. Do it. Remember that? You were completely wasted on cough syrup and Krispy Kremes at the time, and kept trying to rub ben-gay on your roomie, Fred, who didn’t appreciate being called, “Momma’s little cupcake”. Not your brightest moment, was it? I know. Ha! We’ve all been there.. Well, tonight someone else is about to have the ben-gay/donut experience as well, i.e. horrific regret. Who will that be? Did JD forget how much he loves himself? Did Marty decide to cover Britney again, the original way? Did Mr. Pengilly forget his ‘stache wax? Read on to learn.

First up, Navarro let’s us know that the wrongfully-spelled Garry, double-r, Beers, will be absent tonight due to *finger quotes* “personal reasons”. <---making more out of it than there is. (The fun, pretend-reasons he’s gone: fighting ninjas, stretching latex from coast to coast, or….mime school. What’s actually happening: boil removal.) Also up: what Brooke is wearing. Because you want to know. It’s a red satiny dress that hugs her cocaine-assisted figure. <--you heard me.

As Timeless as “Muskrat Love”

This week, Navarro shows up at the house in his tattooed goodness for the weekly little to-do: “You’ve got 12 hours to write the next Stairway to Heaven, beyatches. Go!” <----Navarro speaks exactly like this.. No, maybe not on the show, but you know that Carmen’s ears are full up with his “yo yo yo’s” and “hizzouse’s” and “word” every moment of their downtime. (The last Jane’s Addiction album was once tentatively titled: “Green Dreadlocks in the Hizzy”.) Jordis falls apart, saying it takes her 3 to 90 performances to know if she likes her own music, and we think: we’d need more alcohol for that. Or we need Brooke’s compact.

So they all write. They sing. They put their little rock star hearts into every forgettable note. All to end up in the big room ‘o song to see that no, nein, nyet, “no song for you.” Not everyone will get to perform their song. Instead, two will sing their originals, while the rest try hard not to look like extremely talented bah mitzvah singers. <--speaks of their doomed fate, not their obvious talent.

How to decide who sings what? Suzie comes up with the bright idea to toss everyone’s name in a hat. Deanna and Mig are picked. Suzie immediately does a “wtf did I just do? Am I smokin’ the Mary Jane? I’m….an…IDIOT! *smashes head into nearest Marshall amps* [size=1]<---Hello Marshall, makers of fabulous speakers and amps, the premiere place to go when I need, (in the words of Dan Hawkins of the Darkness) “to nail that riff”, or as the effervescent Kerry King of Slayer says, “if my nuts ain’t shaking, then I ain’t satisfied, and Marshall is the only brand that can do that.” <---totally open to *kaching* from Marshall. * flashes bright pearlies*

So, Suzie begs Mig and Deanna. Deanna is all strong and like, “girl power, yo” and says, “no.” The sweet, kindly Mig-of-the-Shire, however, struggles to keep his song. Marty finally convinces him not to let it go, and Mig obeys. No song for the Suz, and Ty sucks up all of Deanna’s time by helping her with hers, taking over and making it Tysty.

“I am almost a God” – JD, in his own head. I.e. – It’s Shoooooowtime!

Now we’re finally back on stage, and totally psyched to see them warble out the goodness. But first, some criticism from the Vampire-looking-one™, Mr. Navarro. He criticizes Suzie for the name in the hat trick, and wants to know, “were you smokin’ the MJ?” She says she regretted it immediately because she absolutely, positively, loooooooooooves her song. “If you love it so much, why don’t you MARRY it?” Navarro doesn’t say.

Navarro also nails the others. (Not in THAT way. This time.) He tells them all they need to start wanting it, tasting it, “licking the win”. <--new, non-popular slang. Mig like, realizes that, man, and says he kept his original song for just that reason, okay? Duh! JD says he personally didn’t push harder because rock songs rock, and the audience rocks, and INXS rocks, and he wanted to rock, so man, he decided to rock *Ronnie James Deo fingers* The only way to do that would be through the well-oiled and overplayed songs of yesteryear.

Also up for the Navarro-scope-‘o-scrutiny: why does Marty keep picking modern songs? Mary dazzles them all when he says it’s because INXS wants to go that route, and new bands are imitating the old, inventive, utterly-impressive-and-also-might-he-say-extremely-handsome INXS anyway. All love him. Understandably so.

And now, it is time…..to paaartayyy. *starts to body surf over recap-readers* <--foreshadow.

Suzie’s up first with “Start Me Up” by the Rolling Stones. If she can’t do her own song, then by golly, the Rolling Stones make her ticker thump, and she might as well werk it! She no longer wants to be queen of the bottom 3, just Queen of bad-hair-choices. <----gooooo ahead and groan at the lame joke. Bring it. But yes, the Shazz did not like her wavy, swim-cap-snug hair of last week.

Performance: She has streaky Christina Aguilera hair, circa 2003, but totally ROCKS THAT STAGE. The vocals are dazzling, but if I were passing a State Fair stage with a performer like this, I’d still make my way to the fried twinkie booth. She’s just not unique enough. Sowwwy. <---Fudd apology. But she’s a natural, comfy performer, and showcases her confidence by stripper dancing around a guitarist and singing with fellow houseguests. In a last, crazy-ditch effort to appear completely special, she begins to teeter off stage and lean over an audience that looks as frightened as Beeker ala Muppets fame. “Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi” they all mutter. Will she be landing on us? <--their silent horror. The answer: yes. Suzie body surfs unexpectedly on a saggy audience that quickly regurgitates her body back on stage. The end.

Judges: Navarro: you sang great, awesome, surprised you were ever in the bottom 3.
Andrew Farris: Vocals rocked. (Is that Farris…with an F? <----Nerdy Jane Austin ref. *pushes up taped glasses*)
Tim Farris: no smiling = good. He apparently likes to be scared. And he was. Happily.

JD sits in front of a fireplace and looks all “Masterpiece Theater”, but younger and more pompous. He says that he’s singing Cold as Ice, and knows it will be the greatest thing anyone has ever seen, like, ever. In fact, he says that any time he’s on stage, it’s the best thing anyone has ever seen, ever. Yeah, he’s a modest little cherub! *pinches his cheeks* He wants to give the performance more dirt: we see him scream. He says he really has to rock them and grab them by the collar. Note: before he said “collar”, I expected him to say “balls”. Sorry. Just sharing.

Performance: He gives a very Elvis/Tom Jones version of Cold as Ice. He warbles, he pops out his hip, he shakes. It’s apparent he already thinks he’s the rock star as he scans the room for hot chicks he can ask the roadies to pimp back stage. Little do the screaming, extremely responsive ho’s know: JD is actually more aroused by himself. “I’m so freakin’ hot,” says he, catching a glimpse of himself during some *squeaky*. On stage, he actually looks like he gets lost in the song versus trying to look like he's getting lost in the song. <---towards the end. The rest of the time, he's making love to himself by using his admiring fans for his self-pleasure. Oh God, at one point he pulls his coat off his shoulder in a so-rehearsed-it’s-embarrassing maneuver, all to expose his body to potential tongue lickings. But, kudos to him, his voice is excellent, and I’m actually impressed with how he gets the audience involved in some fist-pump unity. <--best KIND of unity.

Judges: INXS stands and claps.
Navarro loves Ralphael the guitarist. Also, JD, you’re okay too. He’s a confident rock star already. But, he says he’s not sure if it’s the interpretation, or if JD’s notes were off? JD quickly answers/interrupts with "interpretation" in a very Pee Wee Herman, "I MEANT to do that" kind of way.
Andrew Farris: classic song, modern and uptempo, awesome.
Tim Farris: you’re doing wayyy more than anyone else.

Deanna Deanna thinks the bottom 3 blows, but thinks she deserved to be there last time. But now she has a chance to show ‘em what she’s worth with a song she co-wrote with Ty. Ty’s apparently the music behind the music, and Deanna’s all about the melody and lyrics. It’s go time.

Performance: some hot guy in the audience looks excited! OMG I think I love him. Sadly for the Shazz, we only land on him once. The rest of the time is a gyrating performance by Deanna. I’ll tell you what. Girlfriend has great, unique, smokey vocals, but, the backdrop to the song is so formulaic, it's very "I woke up this morning and got myself a beer" type formula. I.e. there's a standard blues formula, there's a standard rock formula/guitar riff formula. This has it. Still, she sings well, Ty looks completely invested from the sidelines and rocks out. She does more Elvis, which completely jacks with any of us hearing any of the lyrics. All we can do is concentrate on her Janis Joplin-like wrist flailings.

Judges: Navarro points out Ty's proud papa look, while Ty nearly weeps off stage. Vocal performance great. Song suited your voice.
John Farris: liked your song, but still in safety zone. He looks soooo uncomfortable saying this, because criticizing someone’s little heart-and-soul song, is like telling someone they’ve got an ugly baby. “No, it’s not the cutest ever. He’s got a Don Rickles thing going on. Wait! Don’t cry! Don Rickles is hot!”
Tim Farris: I think I know what that song was about, can you tell us?
Deanna: Poor little Deanna. She apparently started singing at the age of 22. Why? Because she was crazy in love with a stupid boyfriend who cheated on her with a girl singer. She thought if she sang too, he would fall in love with her. Awwww. She thanks him for being such an a-hole.

Ty: feels like the most special of all the special people. Not only does he get to showcase his writing skilz, but he gets to sing Proud Mary! Yayyyy! <--fictitiously him.

Performance: oooooo…Ty makes a bold, potentially great strategic move by having the house girls sing back-up for him. Why is this potentially smart yet sad at the same time? Because everyone in the house is all cuddly and good, and the girls love helping him out and showcasing to INXS that they’re just like Santa’s elves: harmoniously working together. But, this could potentially backfire, and make INXS peg the lot of them as back-up singers only. But, they do great, and Ty does a really great impression of a male Tina Turner. He totally rocks the stage and adeptly works the crowd. His hair is very spikey tonight. Spike city, population: Ty.

Judges: all clap excitedly.
Navarro asks to hear it for the girls, and said he was so great, he might even call him, “Tyrrific”. Ha ha ha. Ha.
One of the Farris’s: now THAT’s a show., what a great package. <--doesn’t mean that in smarmy way. (I think.)
Kirk Pengillicutty: such a great arrangement, he’s surprised Ty didn’t get HIM on stage to play piano, and have JD and Marty carry his bags. Marty and JD laugh in surprise, while mentally punching Kirk in his greasy, hip, saloon-style mustache.

Mig has written a song about living in the house, called “Do or Die” that apparently, during rehearsals, really turns off the house band. Eveyrone’s all weirded out by the time changes and other non-cohesive little song doo-dads. <--technical term.

Performance: Already, Mig’s melody sounds wayyy more inventive than Deanna’s and I am in love with him alllllllllllll over again. The backdrop of the song could use a wee bit more interest and a shot of some hot sauce, but the rest: great, and very Queensryche in feel. Unlike Deanna’s song, he has a noticeable, interesting bridge and I actually want to listen to it. He rocks the crowd in usual Mig style, all Keelber-elf like and special. He decides to go all Rob Halford in dress, i.e. all leather, with a little stripey thing safely containing his giblets. (Recap key: Giblets = man-parts, his special “area”.)

Judges: Navarro, lookin’ gooooooooood, loves to see him rockin’, and if he made him cry again he’d have to start re-thinkin’ his personal life.
Tim Farris: love the song, fantastic that you fought for it, but…*cringe* not INXS. Owie ow ow ow! <---the pain from the comment, and also……….I’m holding two hot charcoal brickets.
Pengilly: did you write it?
Mig: duh.

Marty: OMG I practically FREAK OUT to hear that he’s going to sing “I alone” by Alive! Weeeee! *girlie screams and giggles* I own and love that album. He says it’s not well known, but it’s well known by the Shazz, and for that, I fall in love for week 10 (or whatever the heck week we’re on).

Performance: Marty has what JD is missing: he blends with the stage and the band, and doesn’t look like he’s trying to BE a performer, he simply IS a performer. Everybody’s really into his rockin’ rendition except for JD, who sits off to the side and could not…look…more…bored than if he were 8 years old and shopping for corrective footwear with his nanna. He’s got the penetrating eyes, the powerful chorus, and seems barefoot and fancy free on the stage. Towards the end, however, he starts to go a little apeshi nutty, gyrating and vibrating and looking very aneurism ready on stage, but aneurism ready in a great, rock-star performance way, like he MEANT to pop a vein. See? He even controls his blood vessels. How can you NOT love him? A wee on the screamy side at the end, he still finishes in the top of my book.

Navarro: notes aren’t always perfect, but man, who needs singing with perfect notes? Not him. Marty puts on such a rockin’ show, Navarro doesn’t even hear music, he only sees luuuuv. *cue throbbing xylophone* He tells him to put his feet up, he’s home free.
John Farris: little less screaming. Youch. The audience boos.
Tim Farris: a wee pitchy, but a rock star can pull that off.
Kirk Penngilly: Um…yeah….not sure who’s right for the band, wondering how his performance relates to INXS. Marty mentally pops him in the ‘stache again.
Navarro: well, what with all my pessimistic, totally blowy friends sitting to my right, don’t put up your feet just yet, but you did great, ignore the negative nellies in the band.

Jordis ends up with Dream On by Aerosmith, which, at first, she thought was perfect. But soon we see her struggling with a vocal coach, all to get that kicked-in-the-balls pitch that Steven Tyler shrieks in glee. She’ll decide on whether to go for the note or not at the very last second.

Performance: Wow, girlfriend is flat throughout! Not confident, but does a cool little homage to Aerosmith by pulling out the Tyler hanky for her mic hand. She’s flat flat flat to the point where the camera flashes on INXS looking twitchy, and Navarro raises his eyebrow in that just-heard-a-dog-whistle way. In the end, she goes for the high note. Mistake. “Oh God she’s dying in front of us.” <--me, out loud while watching this.

Navarro: that song demands stunning vocals, and yo, it just wasn’t there, mi lady. <--comboed hip hop and 18th century Europe. Jordis looks ready to cry. (She hates 18th Century Europe.)
Tim Farris: girl, you know I love your voice, I wanted to love it, but couldn’t. I wanted to hold it tight, like my favorite Touch-Me-Elmo doll, but I couldn’t. Jordis says she overthought it a bit, and Tim said the worry showed, but that mistakes just make him love her all the more!
Navarro: wassup with you not taking liberties with the melody this time? You’ve done it in the past, why not now? Huh? Huh? She said it would be easy to do vocal gymnastics (I picture a uvula spinning on a pommel horse), but she wanted to stretch herself, and Navarro appreciates the bravery.

And that, my peeps, is another episode. *bows low, clicks clogs*

Klatu mirada nikto. shazzer@fansofrealitytv.com

[Google]

 

[giz]

That was a truly great recap, Shazza. My kids kept saying "what are you laughing at?" "Never mind little darlings, it is not for children's ears." I, too, thought she was dying in front of us. Not sure how overthinking causes one to sing very, very badly. Note to Jordis, best not practice or think at all in future, if this is what "thinking" does to you. Horrible schadenfraude is making me hope she gets to sing tonight so I can see more awful yelping. What is that matter with me!!??

[blue eyes]

Hey, great recap! I also noted that JD was not loving Martys' performance. A little jealous perhaps?

[Blues Songstres]

OH.MY.GOD. Can't stop laughing!!!!!

[PurrpleCat]

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Now we’re finally back on stage, and totally psyched to see them warble out the goodness. But first, some criticism from the Vampire-looking-one™, Mr. Navarro. He criticizes Suzie for the name in the hat trick, and wants to know, “were you smokin’ the MJ?” She says she regretted it immediately because she absolutely, positively, loooooooooooves her song. “If you love it so much, why don’t you MARRY it?” Navarro doesn’t say.

Oh my, as if I don't hear that enough from my 5-year-old every.....single.....day!

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Performance: She has streaky Christina Aguilera hair, circa 2003, but totally ROCKS THAT STAGE. The vocals are dazzling, but if I were passing a State Fair stage with a performer like this, I’d still make my way to the fried twinkie booth. She’s just not unique enough. Sowwwy. <---Fudd apology. But she’s a natural, comfy performer, and showcases her confidence by stripper dancing around a guitarist and singing with fellow houseguests. In a last, crazy-ditch effort to appear completely special, she begins to teeter off stage and lean over an audience that looks as frightened as Beeker ala Muppets fame. “Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi” they all mutter. Will she be landing on us? <--their silent horror. The answer: yes. Suzie body surfs unexpectedly on a saggy audience that quickly regurgitates her body back on stage. The end.

For those who need a visual...Beeker is to your left.

AWESOME RECAP!

[MrAndyPuppy]

Originally Posted by Shazzer

And now, it is time…..to paaartayyy. *starts to body surf over recap-readers* <--foreshadow.

Oh yeah - we're ready for it, unlike the crowd on the night...

Originally Posted by Shazzer

In a last, crazy-ditch effort to appear completely special, she begins to teeter off stage and lean over an audience that looks as frightened as Beeker ala Muppets fame. “Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi” they all mutter. Will she be landing on us? <--their silent horror. The answer: yes. Suzie body surfs unexpectedly on a saggy audience that quickly regurgitates her body back on stage. The end.

Did anyone else notice the inappropriately placed hand on her upper chest? I had to rewind the TIVO to double check but I'm pretty sure this one guy has a VERY nice time catching her.

Originally Posted by Shazzer

JD sits in front of a fireplace and looks all “Masterpiece Theater”, but younger and more pompous.

Excellent!

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Note: before he said “collar”, I expected him to say “balls”. Sorry. Just sharing.

oh yeah - so did I - big time... it actually took me by surprise when the "wrong" word came out.

Originally Posted by Shazzer

I’m actually impressed with how he gets the audience involved in some fist-pump unity. <--best KIND of unity.

Good one.

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Judges: Navarro points out Ty's proud papa look, while Ty nearly weeps off stage. Vocal performance great. Song suited your voice.

Originally Posted by Shazzer

John Farris: liked your song, but still in safety zone. He looks soooo uncomfortable saying this, because criticizing someone’s little heart-and-soul song, is like telling someone they’ve got an ugly baby. “No, it’s not the cutest ever. He’s got a Don Rickles thing going on. Wait! Don’t cry! Don Rickles is hot!”

I thought that too! SO cool to hear someone verbalise it like this.

Originally Posted by Shazzer

But, this could potentially backfire, and make INXS peg the lot of them as back-up singers only.

Actually, this was my FIRST thought when I heard Ty bringing them out. How could they think that doing backup support like that would in any way help them?

My question is actually did Ty think of the gimmick for THAT reason or because he thought it would help his song?

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Kirk Pengillicutty: such a great arrangement, he’s surprised Ty didn’t get HIM on stage to play piano, and have JD and Marty carry his bags. Marty and JD laugh in surprise, while mentally punching Kirk in his greasy, hip, saloon-style mustache.

Was anyone else surprised when neither of them actually seemed to take offense? Both can play guitar which is what I thought Kirk was going to suggest - being relegated to bloody ROADIES would have to be insulting.

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Navarro: notes aren’t always perfect, but man, who needs singing with perfect notes? Not him. Marty puts on such a rockin’ show, Navarro doesn’t even hear music, he only sees luuuuv. *cue throbbing xylophone* He tells him to put his feet up, he’s home free.

How many times has Dave told him that?

Originally Posted by Shazzer

John Farris: little less screaming. Youch. The audience boos.

How DARE the crowd boo OB:INXS? Surely that's not asseptable behaviour (done in Supernanny tones)?

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Mistake. “Oh God she’s dying in front of us.” <--me, out loud while watching this.

I thought that was me saying that... truly awful to watch.

Originally Posted by Shazzer

<--comboed hip hop and 18th century Europe. Jordis looks ready to cry. (She hates 18th Century Europe.)

ha ha ha

Excellent recap Shazzer - or in OB:INXS parlance: bloody unreal, mate.

[oneTVslave]

Shazzer! Fantastically witty recap, as always, amiga. Where can I get some Shazz-goggles so that I can watch the show through your eyes? Sooo many funny lines, I don't know where to begin. The 18th century Europe line cracked me up.

Great job!

[Wolf]

I didn't quote anything, because I would have to quote the entire thing. I laughed from start to finish. Magnificent job, Shazz.

[JLuvs]

Brilliant recap

[Mantenna]

You know what? This show needed a little Shazzocity to electrocute it like Crazy Larry from the old Muppets show, and you never fail to deliver, Shazzy my dear. Absolutely hilarious! You have an encyclopedia-like knowledge of all pop music post-1830, and I was laughing out loud constantly.

Of course, some parts just made me kick various nearby objects in my hysteria:

Originally Posted by Shazzer

Mig-of-the-Shire

“If you love it so much, why don’t you MARRY it?” Navarro doesn’t say.

JD sits in front of a fireplace and looks all “Masterpiece Theater”, but younger and more pompous.

He looks soooo uncomfortable saying this, because criticizing someone’s little heart-and-soul song, is like telling someone they’ve got an ugly baby. “No, it’s not the cutest ever. He’s got a Don Rickles thing going on. Wait! Don’t cry! Don Rickles is hot!”

OMG I practically FREAK OUT to hear that he’s going to sing “I alone” by Alive! Weeeee! *girlie screams and giggles*

Towards the end, however, he starts to go a little apeshi nutty, gyrating and vibrating and looking very aneurism ready on stage, but aneurism ready in a great, rock-star performance way, like he MEANT to pop a vein. See? He even controls his blood vessels. How can you NOT love him?

She said it would be easy to do vocal gymnastics (I picture a uvula spinning on a pommel horse)

Many more, too, but you're just too magnanimous.