Who doesn’t dream of being a rock star? If you haven’t, Hogwarts, Quidditch and the underwear color of Lord Voldemort are being discussed a few forums down. Run along and let the grown-ups play. For the remainder of us, lets get cozy and live vicariously through the lucky bastards who were good enough to get this far.
Last week Wil was the latest wannabe rocker to get the INXS heave-ho. I’m sure by now he’s drowning his sorrows, listening to the greatest hits of Wet Wet Wet and rewriting the lyrics of Love Is All Around to portray the god-awful performance he gave. But hey, Suzie and Tara came out looking like champs, so it wasn’t a total loss.
It’s A Gibson…No, Not The Debbie Kind
In true rocker fashion, the remaining crew celebrate (or mourn) Wil’s departure by downing large quantities of booze. Jordis was a tad envious of JD’s encore and hopes she can have that chance. Suzie on the other hand is already getting into that “I love you man” drunk phase. She’s weepy and emotional and getting hugs from all the girls which always makes for good television. Later, straws will be drawn to decide who gets to hold her hair back.
If life couldn’t get any sweeter, lets toss in…oh….let’s say…a free guitar! There was a Gibson for all to enjoy. Acoustic, electric, triple necked, one that made ice cream- it was a smorgasbord of musical delight. Of course the obligatory break-in-the-guitar number was Sweet Home Alabama and just like that, the house went from fierce competitors to the likes of an old fraternity reunion in a light beer commercial.
Underoos and Tattoos Sold Separately
The next day everyone was summoned to the library, where Colonel mustard awaited with the candlestick. Actually, everyone’s favorite rocker, Dave Navarro was seated in nothing but a white boa and white polyester pants that would’ve made Freddie Mercury proud. Dave explains that during each week he will be putting on clinics which will help enhance each contestants chance of being the next rock star.
This week’s clinic will be about style because we all know rock and roll and Prada go hand in hand. It’s all about creating a visual that allows the rabid concert goers to be drawn in. Dave calls this “peacocking”. I call it a brilliant excuse to dress up in white feather boas and wear nail polish.
So without further fanfare, Dave opens the doors to the rock star boutique where we are met by Jon Farriss- drummer for INXS and Ellie May- designer to the stars. She has styled Lenny Kravitz, Madonna and even Dave himself. Ellie brought in a vast array of clothes from all around the world and the contestants can pick and choose whatever they want to wear for their next gig.
It was quite a site. Unusual and eclectic garb adorned the walls and floors. There were barbed wire corsets, leather hoods with zipper mouths, spiked collars and clamps that went from the…oops, that was Brooke Burkes wardrobe. Ah yes, where were we… The contestants tried on everything from earrings to shoes to everything in between. Ellie was taken aback by Suzie’s choice of clothes. She is all over the place and with the Gaelic-like earrings she was wearing, I thought she was auditioning for Riverdance.
The One I Love Is The One I Hate
After the kids put away the Elton John Home Fashion kit, Mig wandered into the song room and got a sneak peak at the next batch of songs for review. It was a veritable cornucopia of awesomeness. The kind of songs you’d love to have on one album. Tara has her eyes set on “Paranoid” by Black Sabbath because she hasn’t done a hard rocking tune yet. The only problem is that Deanna wants that same song as well. Tara declares a near hunger strike for that song before Deanna caves in takes the bastard child song, The One I love, which had been avoided like the plague.
I really love the next segment which is the contestants hooking up with the house band and figuring out which direction the singer and band want to go. J.D. meets with the band and is learning how to communicate what he wants and finds it a bit challenging. He has never been formally trained and uses primitive fragmented sounds- the kind we do when we’re alone in the car or in the shower- to convey to the drummer what he’s looking for. It all works out and I’m looking forward to hearing his rendition of Hand In My Pocket.
Oh Mig. You choose the worst songs for your personality. I had you as an early favorite. You still are, though. You’re my favorite person to leave this week. Walk This Way has always been a favorite of Mig’s but since he is actually singing and memorizing the lyrics, he suddenly realizes that the whole song is one long tongue twister. Well if Peter Piper picked a song, it wouldn’t be this one.
Lastly, Deanna tries to figure out how to make the R.E.M. song her own. You know, at first I was feeling bad for her because the song is a toughie to pull off. However, she walked in the rehearsal room with a diva attitude and that’s a complete turn off. Deanna can’t stress enough how much she’s “not feeling it” and hopes the band can pull it off for her. Yo Deanna- this band could even make Milli Vanilli sound real. You just worry about “feeling it” and while you’re at it, perhaps it would be of best interest to feel it or the next thing you’ll be feeling is the fifty cent tip a trucker named Seabass leaves you at the local Eat-n-Go.
And thus we are left on the edge of our seats in tingly anticipation of what is to come. Will Mig unscrew his tongue and get the lyrics right? Will J.D. get another encore.? So many questions, such little time. Until next time, stay tuned, stay groovy and stay rockin…
Have you ever gone shirtless with only a feather boa and clogs? I have. Email me for peacocking tips at: firstname.lastname@example.org