"We Have No Bananas Today" -- 5/10 recap

[Lucy]

Well, I hope you all enjoyed last week’s earthquake movie, which bumped the Restaurant. I didn’t. I was working. And so to me, spending this Monday night watching the Restaurant, as bad as it might be, is better. Seriously. And the PMS is gone, I’m happy and sassy again, and someone stomps on bananas in this episode, which is always fun. Plus, in honor of a waitress’s firing late in the episode, I’ve decided to drink wine while I write this. What are you gonna do about it, fire me? I don’t think so. So settle in, peeps, and top off my glass. Let’s get this puppy rolling.

Yadda Yadda Tushy Yadda
In the last episode, Rocco’s financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, sent his task force in to shape up Rocco’s 22, which has lost a half a million dollars. The show ended with Jeffrey giving Rocco an ultimatum – get on board or get out.
This week, we kick things off after closing time at the restaurant, where busboys are playing foosball – where? Where is this foosball table? I’ve never seen it before. And I bet it wasn’t cheap. I think Jeffrey can look there for some of his lost money.

Also, the wait staff is sitting around talking about the Rocco/Jeffrey duel. “Blah,” says one. “Oh, blah blah. Totally,” says another. Sorry, but it’s just a boring conversation, because we’ve heard it fifty times already. The staff knows Rocco is never there and Jeffrey is. We get it. Zippity doo dah. Carrie, the resident gossip, now declares herself “so over it.” Sure, Carrie.

For the second episode in a row, we are punished with a shot of Rocco on his bed in his bedroom. Why oh why is there a camera in there? Not being one of the five people who think Rocco is hot, this is a setting I could live without seeing him in. At least this time he’s dressed. But still, couldn’t the camera crews just catch him at breakfast or something? Anyway, Rocco is telling his monosyllabic girlfriend that Jeffrey gave him an ultimatum but that Rocco doesn’t quite understand it. Rocco thinks he’s working his tushy (tushie? What’s wrong with a recap that makes me wonder how to spell that?) off in the restaurant and doesn’t know how much more on board he can be.

Jeffrey, meanwhile, is toodling around Manhattan in the back of a limo, barking orders into a cell phone. He wants to interview possible replacement chefs, and gets whoever is on the other end – a lackey, presumably – to set up an interview with some chef that everyone is raving about. A chef who, if hired, would replace Rocco.

You Mean He’s Not A Spy?
Finally pried from his bed, Rocco heads for Mama’s. She promptly hands him a videotape of his graduation from cooking school 18 years ago. Because we all LOVE to see videos of ourselves from 1986. Yeah, those are so flattering. The fashions were timeless! Timeless if you live in Wal-Mart, the land of perpetual big hair and stretch pants.

Technically, of course, Rocco graduated from the “Culinary Institute of America”, which foolishly goes by the acronym, CIA. Oh, if ONLY this show really was about the CIA as we all know it. How fun would that be? James Bond undercover in the kitchen, secret tape recorders in the salt shakers, tiny mini-cameras in the waitress trays, a secret document drop-off in the men’s room. Alas, Rocco’s CIA is just people in funny hats cooking. And in this video, it is a very young and thin Rocco in a funny hat, graduating. Mugging for the camera, a talent he obviously learned young. We also see a younger, sassier-looking Mama.

Why are we seeing this? Because Rocco has been invited to speak to the CIA’s graduating class this year. He’s excited, Mama’s excited, and his only worry is that Jeffrey will try to pull some “fast stuff” while he’s gone. Mama’s advice is for him to talk to Jeffrey, and that if they both give a little they can work things out. Gee, thanks for the original advice, Mama.

Whodoyouworkfo’?!
Jeffrey meets with a chef named Ralph, who is auditioning for Rocco’s job. Ralph describes his approach to cooking as putting on a show every evening for the customers. Before I can speculate on what that means, Jeffrey launches into his tale of woe regarding Rocco, and wraps up the meeting by telling Ralph to come back and cook something for him.

While Jeffrey’s interviewing his replacement, Rocco is trying to call Jeffrey. He leaves a phone message saying that they need to talk and they need to be adults and work this out. Amen, brotha.

At the restaurant, Tony – the head chef – goes to talk to Luke, one of Jeffrey’s minions. Luke wants to know who Tony works for. The implied question is, is Tony on Jeffrey’s side or Rocco’s? I’m going to digress for a moment to tell a story that may possibly be funny only to me. In my “real” life I deal with a man has overcome a speech impediment but whose speech is still very hard to understand. And he regularly comes up to me and my co-workers and barks, “whod’youworkfo’?!” and then falls out laughing. So that’s what I’m hearing when Luke asks Tony who he works for. Erm, maybe you have to hear it to get it. Try saying it out loud, really fast. No? Well, sorry.

Back to things you’re interested in, Tony’s diplomatic reply is that he works for China Grill Management – Jeffrey’s company – but that Rocco hired him and he’s in the middle of their dispute. It would help things enormously, Tony notes, if Rocco and Jeffrey would get over this pissing match and behave like adults.

Ennh! Wrong answer. Luke wanted to hear that Tony’s allegiance is to the restaurant. If it’s not, Luke warns vaguely, he might have to find another chef. How many new chefs are they looking for? Because I make a mean mac and cheese. And it goes well with wine, believe it or not. But really, what doesn’t?

Back to the main players in this drama, Jeffrey and Rocco are on the phone. In fact, we are seeing a lot of shots of people on the phone in this show, and I would take this moment to tell NBC that people talking on the phone really isn’t that interesting, action-wise. Anyway, Rocco says he’s not sure what Jeffrey wants from him, Jeffrey says they need to work out their problems and he’s willing to sit down with Rocco if Rocco shows a good-faith effort.

Jeffrey, it transpires, also has “thoughts” about the restaurant’s wine list and silverware. Rocco’s look of confusion mirrors mine. Huh? Why? Jeffrey’s the money man, why does he give a rat’s behind about the wine list and silverware? You know, this show is just riddled with micromanagers. Rocco recovers and says he has put all of himself into the restaurant, making the food good and promoting it, and so on. He could have stopped with “promoting it,” since that’s all we’ve seen him do.

In any event, the two agree to jointly address the staff the next morning.

Chef Sphincterschnoggin’s Knife
But next morning, Rocco traipses off upstate to the CIA with his p.r. flack, Ian. Where has Ian been all this time? Not that he’s any great addition, but seriously, we have never set eyes on this boy before. Rocco is hoping to find a chef – yet another one! Geez, how many do they need? – at the cooking school because, he says, “a good CIA grad is a great find.”

Arriving at the CIA, Rocco is greeted by the entire graduating class, it seems, all of whom want autographs. Does this man go anywhere without signing things, including copies of his blasted book? He probably signs the toilet paper before he wipes his butt with it.

Inside, it’s old home week with Rocco and his old teachers. He tells one of them, whose name I cannot spell but is something like “Chef Schonnenschmidt”, that he came up to teach them to make Mama’s meatballs. Chef S. says he actually stopped by Rocco’s restaurant once but – no surprise here – Rocco wasn’t there.

Ian serves his sole purpose by asking what Rocco was like as a student, and Chef S. ruins Rocco’s street cred by saying he made the dean’s list. I’m guessing that required Rocco to show up for class, a skill he has subsequently forgotten. Chef S. also brings up some tradition that when the apprentice knows more than the master, he gets the master’s knife. Um, ok. Chef S. presents Rocco with a really old-looking knife that he got from HIS master. And all this master stuff is sounding very S&M, by the way. Rocco is touched. But not in an S&M way. Thank god.

Back in New York, trouble is afoot at the restaurant. Jeffrey is addressing the staff, and says Rocco was supposed to be there but, obviously, is not. Now, I could be wrong, but I thought their phone conversation ended with an understanding that they would jointly talk to the staff that day? I guess I could go look at the tape, but my wine is by the computer and I’m just feeling too lazy.

Anyway, Jeffrey says some other stuff about changing the uniforms and things, and says he never intended to make the staff choose sides, but wants everyone on the restaurant’s side. Tony pipes up to say the dust needs to settle between Jeffrey and Rocco as the owners, and Jeffrey informs them all in no uncertain terms that right now, HE is the owner.

Mama stomps off and Jeffrey is somehow at a loss to understand why she’s mad. Hello? He just dissed her baby. He might as well have taken Chef Schnoggerwoggin’s knife and stabbed it in Rocco’s back. He’d do well to have someone else taste his meatballs first from now on.

I’m So Tacky I Could Cry
Back at the unfortunately-acronymed CIA, Rocco is dressed to cook and is surrounded by a crew of budding chefs. They’ve got an hour to make a dish, or something. Rocco seems to enjoy running them; he tries every dish and suggests changes. He also makes one kid name Rocco’s two restaurants. What is this, Butt-Kissing 101?

In the restaurant, the staff is grumpy after the maitre’d, Emily, tells them to take their stuff out of the coat check area. Yet again, customers are asking for Rocco, although for a change it’s a table of men. One very loud one collars Mama, and says he thinks she really owns the restaurant, not Rocco.

Emily, who seems to be a bit of a snoot, is working the door with Amanda. Some guy has evidently been asking for Jeffrey, and Emily sends Amanda off to tell him neither Jeffrey nor Rocco is there. Amanda gets it wrong and shares that information with one of Jeffrey’s own task force groupies. Emily rolls her eyes. I pour more wine.

Bouncing back to the CIA, Rocco addresses the class, saying the dishes were great but one was super-great, and he invites that chef – Jason something-or-other – to come to New York and work for him. Oh, poor Jason. He’s about to step into trouble the likes of which he can only imagine, but let us just say it is far greater trouble than that of not having enough balsamic vinegar in one’s dish.

And BACK at the restaurant, some dude brings Mama the tackiest painting this side of a velvet Elvis wall-hanging. It has Mama, in a short skirt, standing on a plate of meatballs, with patriotic ribbons waving over her head. She feigns delight. At least, I hope she’s feigning it. Because trust me, you’d rather have the velvet Elvis. This thing is god-awful. The face does look like Mama, though. Which is something. I guess.

Meanwhile, Emily has managed to make Amanda cry, by chastising her for staring off into the distance while customers leave. Amanda drags Shane, the floor manager, into a private corner and says she can’t work with Emily any more. Shane tells her to suck it up until he can work something out. Emily muses that she makes everyone cry. I believe her. I’m about to cry from sheer boredom.

Finally, Some Cheese to Go With My Wine
It’s graduation time at the CIA, and Rocco is introduced as not only their commencement speaker but also one of People magazine’s sexiest men alive. I question People’s standards.

Rocco’s speech is about the tritest thing I’ve heard since my own graduation. He says the grads should think big, and spreads his arms about three feet wide to illustrate the exact dimensions of the bigness of their futures. He says more crap about dreams and making them happen and stuff. At least he didn’t advise them to wear sunscreen. I hope he said something less clichéd and that it was left on the cutting room floor. I hope. Because if not, these people are going out into the world armed with paper hats, a cool set of knives and a cliché. At least I got a suntan at my graduation. And a hangover shortly thereafter.

Back in the city, Ralph – remember, he-who-would-be-Rocco – is on his tryout. I thought at first it might be IN Rocco’s restaurant, but evidently it is not. He’s cooking for the whole task force, including Drew the Fired Intern, who appears to be not-so-fired. One of the dishes is spaghetti and meatballs, “my way.” Thank you, Sinatra. The task force is very impressed, and Ralph tells a simpering bartender chick that cooking comes to him by instinct. Oh, he is so smooth! Smooth as lounge-lizard hair gel. Dapper Dan, anyone?

Rocco is still at the graduation, where he gets a special “crystal pineapple award”. The crystal symbolizes “the sparkle of your passion” and some other stuff, but I didn’t hear it because I was barfing. This is so cheesy. I mean, a crystal pineapple? Are they on crack?

Snotty and Hottie (the Eighth and Ninth of Snow White’s Dwarves)
While the world’s silliest award is given, Emily is confronting Amanda, the girl she made cry. Emily doesn’t appreciate that Amanda is talking about her, but she also doesn’t quite understand what the problem is. Amanda says she’s afraid of Emily and doesn’t like confrontation. Emily says it’s her job to keep Amanda in line and that actually, Amanda kind of sucks at her job. They really get quite catty. I was betting on Amanda to get fired, because she’s disagreeing with Emily’s assessment of her job performance, but Emily lets it go. For now. I figure Emily’s the type to hold grudges.

In a move akin to sleeping with your mistress in your wife’s bed, Jeffrey brings Ralph to the restaurant. The waitresses immediately want to know “who’s the hottie?” I assume they are not referring to Jeffrey. Carrie needlessly informs us that she’s ovulating, which yes, probably does make her more susceptible to a cute male face. Hormones bite, people.

Jeffrey continues to whine about Rocco to Ralph. Carrie – does anyone else ever wait on Jeffrey? – arrives at the table to be introduced, and evidently those hormones are doing a number on her, because she mutters something about “Hi, Carrie, I’m Ralph” before giggling and correcting herself. Ah, young infatuation. It’s marginally more scintillating than sticking a pencil in your eye, isn’t it?

Recovering enough to remember her goal of restaurant-wide gossip domination, Carrie asks what’s going on. Jeffrey hedges by saying it’s an “under the radar” project. As if that’s going to stifle gossip and interest at all.

Finally, restaurant manager Laurent calls Rocco to inform him of the rival in his restaurant. But already, the rumor is spreading that Ralph is Rocco’s replacement. Three guesses who they can thank for that rumor.

Rocco’s Happy Place
Rocco is finally caught up on Jeffrey’s activities while Rocco was off playing celebrity chef. He tells Laurent and some girl that he and Jeffrey are both owners of the restaurant, no matter what Jeffrey says, and that if it comes to a legal battle, he will get a restraining order to prevent Jeffrey from so much as changing the toilet paper roll. And, of course, Jeffrey’s Task Force is plotting changes. They want to switch out the barstools. How terribly exciting.

Meanwhile, CIA grad Justin shows up at Rocco’s office. Little does he know what minefield he’s walking into, but lucky for him, he’s going first to Rocco’s non-controversial restaurant, Union Pacific. This is the first we’ve seen of Rocco’s successful restaurant, and Rocco tells us he feels much more comfortable there. He’s had six years to get it running smoothly and get the food just how he wants it.

At the unsuccessful restaurant, a group of women demand Rocco and vow to stay there till he arrives. Their waitress mentally watches her tip intake for the evening drop dramatically.

Carmen Miranda Would Be Rolling in Her Grave
Remember Jeannine, the crappy waitress? Yeah, she’s still a bad waitress. She fails at opening a bottle of wine, but evidently succeeds at becoming popular with her table. They try to get her to do a shot of liquor with them. I don’t know if she really did one or not – again, I could look at the tape, but does it really matter? – but Uzay thinks he saw her take the drink. And drinking on the job is a big no-no there. Luckily for me, I have no such constraints.

Shane confronts Jeannine but she denies drinking anything. So bar manager Steve and Shane and another woman take her off to a very dark wine cellar, where they fire her. Jeannine’s reaction is to stalk off into the kitchen, find a bunch of bananas, take them to the doorway of the dining room, and stomp on them. I’m sorry, but I don’t even know how to adequately explain this to anyone who didn’t see it. Where to start my derision? I mean, I appreciate a good banana-stomping as much as the next girl. But why choose bananas? Bananas aren’t the best thing to stomp if you’re trying to make a mess, or a point. Why stomp anything? Why not break a dish or five? Why not cuss someone out at the top of your lungs from atop the bar? Her choices here just baffle me.

Anyway, with the bananas good and stomped, Jeannine storms out, stopping only to confront Uzay and say that she only raised her tray, not a shot of liquor. Uzay shrugs. Jeannine continues toward the door, where she wheels around to inform the camera crew following her, “Don’t come to Rocco’s, the management sucks.” Which, really, is the whole premise of this season.

Naturally, anything Rocco does after the banana debacle will be anti-climactic. In this case, it’s also sappy. He leaves his happy restaurant to head toward the unhappy one, telling his phone – I assume there’s someone on the other end of it – that he never thought he’d feel like a stranger in his own restaurant and he doesn’t know if it’s worth it. Arriving at the Restaurant, he peers in the window at Mama being friendly to customers, and gets weepy. What is this, friggin’ Lifetime? Anyway, with that heartstring-tugging, barf-inducing moment, we thankfully end this crapisode. About time, too, because I’m out of wine.

Next week:
The showdown is just beginning. People yell a lot, and the kitchen catches on fire. Finally.

Did I make you cry? Whine to lucy@fansofrealitytv.com

[Google]

 

[JunkieGirl]

That was seriously snarkalicious funny Lucy!! So last week it was PMS that made you snarky and funny. This week it was the wine. I will be waiting for next week to see which element will dominate your hilarious recap.

[Jupiter]

My Lord ...Lucy...you just crack me up with this stuff. Your recaps are a hoot!

[LG.]

Lucy, that was fantastic.

[Darling]

The entire point of watching the restaurant is waiting for your recaps. Nothing particularily funny happened in this episode, but you found a whole bunch to make fun of. Especially Chef Schnogginwinding, or whatever. Brilliant!! (Gotta love the wine!)

[Wenders]

Great Job Lucy!

[Shazzer]

Originally Posted by Lucy

“Blah,” says one. “Oh, blah blah. Totally,” says another. Sorry, but it’s just a boring conversation, because we’ve heard it fifty times already.

Not being one of the five people who think Rocco is hot, this is a setting I could live without seeing him in. At least this time he’s dressed. But still, couldn’t the camera crews just catch him at breakfast or something?

Timeless if you live in Wal-Mart, the land of perpetual big hair and stretch pants.

And he regularly comes up to me and my co-workers and barks, “whod’youworkfo’?!” and then falls out laughing.

How many new chefs are they looking for? Because I make a mean mac and cheese. And it goes well with wine, believe it or not. But really, what doesn’t?

I would take this moment to tell NBC that people talking on the phone really isn’t that interesting, action-wise.

He probably signs the toilet paper before he wipes his butt with it.

He says the grads should think big, and spreads his arms about three feet wide to illustrate the exact dimensions of the bigness of their futures.

At least he didn’t advise them to wear sunscreen.

Next week:
The showdown is just beginning. People yell a lot, and the kitchen catches on fire. Finally.

Another absolutely fabulous recap!! I much prefer them to the show!! You're gold, baby!!

[FinallyHere]

Nice one Lucy

[joeguy]

great job Lucy, i missed this show this week cause of a schedule change, but feel all causght up, great recap, great job not throwing up all over the place while watching it too

[senrik]

Great job Lucy....

hmm “Don’t come to Rocco’s, the management sucks.” .... does that mean the rest of the season is anti-climactic?