"When Alpha Males Attack": Episode 2 recap

Lucy · 04-28-2004, 10:28 PM

Well, here we are again! Welcome back to the second week. I’m just impressed you’ve lasted this long. The herky-jerky style of editing this show could send someone into an epileptic fit. And it’s hard to concentrate on a TV show while you’re convulsing on the floor. Of course, maybe that’s why you’re reading the recap.
I’ll just warn you up front, I’m PMSing this week. I just spent 15 minutes crying over a commercial with a little girl and her dad. It was so cute! But wait! Yes….yes….I feel my mood changing! Boom! It’s changed completely! No more snifflies! Now I feel like being a total witch. And I’m in luck, because evidently so does every single person on this show. I’m hateful, they’re hateful, it’s a perfect match. Now somebody give me some chocolate, and let’s get down to some snarking. Quick, before my mood changes again!

Where’s Rocco, Part XIV
Last week, Rocco’s financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, learned that Rocco’s 22 has lost a half a million dollars. Jeffrey’s team is ready to spend some time at the restaurant, watching how things work and trying to figure out why the place is in the red.
When we pick back up this week, the dispute between Jeffrey and Rocco has the staff all aflutter. They’re seeing a lot of Jeffrey and not much of Rocco, and the gossip is flying. Carrie, who claims to be a waitress but is only ever shown talking, says she’s heard Rocco is thinking about quitting. Carrie also says Rocco doesn’t even know half his staff, a statement backed up by a waiter named Bill who says he’s never even met Rocco. Another waiter says they can’t turn their tables because the customers just sit there waiting for Rocco. Uzay explains that Jeffrey has a successful business model for operating his other restaurants, but Rocco has been insistent that he be allowed to run this restaurant his way. As Uzay succinctly puts it, ““Rocco has failed. That’s why Jeffrey’s mad.”

Meanwhile, Jeffrey’s Amazing Technicolor Task Force is plotting their invasion of the restaurant. Luke, the corporate chef, reports that the kitchen staff is used to Rocco not being around. A frustrated Jeffrey says he can’t keep losing money just to keep Rocco’s name on the place.

Just Ick
The following scene will prevent me from ever wondering where Rocco is again. Because the answer is, in bed. Which is not something I needed to see. He’s talking with his girlfriend, who is also in the bed, and is cheesily wearing a shirt with “Rocco’s” emblazoned across the chest. You know, that could be taken different ways. But it’s better than having it tattooed across her chest. I guess.

Anyway -- rushing through this bit to get away from this whole image – Rocco is telling her he feels like a stranger in his own restaurant, and he doesn’t know what to do, and that’s an unfamiliar feeling for him.

And now, let us run away from the icky bedroom scene.

When You’re Good to Mama….She’s Mad At You Anyway
Luke foolishly wanders into the restaurant kitchen while Rocco’s Mama is there. She asks if he’s there to cook, but Luke says no, he’s only there to watch. “Watching for who?” Mama asks archly. Mama ain’t nobody’s fool. She may not understand exactly why Jeffrey’s people are aswarm in the restaurant, but she knows it doesn’t bode well for her baby.

Luke is trying to get a handle on the kitchen operations, and starts by asking Robert the kitchen manager how much he pays his dishwashers. But Robert doesn’t know; he says he doesn’t deal with salaries, a concept Luke finds strange in a kitchen manager. He warns Robert that to manage the team, Robert has to know what and where he’s spending money.

Upstairs at the bar, arrogant 20-year-old intern Drew is being a snot. Although he’s been told he’s there only to observe, he’s already trying to suggest changes. He wants to get rid of some ugly orange juice machine that Rocco loves. Drew would also like to dispense with a state of the Virgin Mary, but fears Mama would be angry if he moved it.

Inevitably, however, Drew incurs the wrath of Mama anyway. He tells her he wants to meet Rocco, and she tells him not to stand in Rocco’s way. Drew launches back into his little respect mantra – “Everybody gets respect as long as I get respect,” a sentiment that suggests he does not have any comprehension of how respect is supposed to work. Anyway, it’s clear that Drew is not getting respect from Mama.

What Elephant In the Room?
The invasion of the Task Force has begun, and one of its members – Sarah, I think – is meeting with the wait staff to get their input. Skating totally around the main issue – i.e., that the restaurant’s celebrity owner is AWOL and a group of corporate number-crunchers are breathing down their necks – the staff helpfully suggest that the salt shakers could be cleaner and the appetizers more clearly marked. So that’s why the restaurant’s lost $600,000! Customers can’t order the shrimp cocktail because they can’t find it! Whew, I’m glad somebody pointed that out!

Uzay also asks what kind of restaurant they’re supposed to be. Are they plain one-star spaghetti-and-meatballs, or fancy three-star spaghetti-and-meatballs? Evidently they’re to aim at just the one star, because Sarah says Jeffrey wants to get away from fine dining and into fun dining. And that is a horrible corporate buzzword-sounding phrase that should be taken out and shot.

Parlez Vous Banzai?
As if there weren’t enough territorial spats going on, a new bartender has been hired. He’s small-eyed, puffy-faced and cocky. No, it’s not Rocco. It’s Matt. Stephen, the bar manager, tells him to just hang back and observe tonight. As we know from our experience with Drew, the word “observe” uttered in this restaurant is a cue to meddle, mouth off and generally make yourself as unlikeable as possible. I’m thinking Matt will have no trouble with that whatsoever.

Bartender April seems to take an instant dislike to Matt. So do I, along with an instant like for April. With her attitude, she is like the personification of my PMS-fueled bitchiness. It’s obvious she and Matt are going to butt heads, and my money’s on April to win. “I’m a woman, and I protect my territory,” says April. Looks like she’s got something in common with Mama.

Elsewhere, Jeffrey is quizzing restaurant manager Laurent about the monthly $4,000 florist bills. The total absence of flowers in the restaurant has Jeffrey questioning such a lavish expenditure. The ever-impassive Laurent points to a few spindly bush thingies that look like badly done banzai trees. Is Laurent French? Not to insult the French people, because I’m sure that they as a whole are very nice people, but Laurent just brings to mind the whole caricature of French people that is so prevalent in American media. I can easily imagine him sneering at me in a French bistro as I try to order “Er, le chicken, por favor?”

Ebay, Eat Your Heart Out
Apparently Rocco has added community service to his full schedule of book-signings and flirting. He arrives at the Harlem Community Center to talk food to a bunch of school kids. I must say, he looks scarily unbathed. This scene could have been shot a whopping three minutes after the in-bed scene, which I’m still trying to banish from my brain.

Along with his bed-hair, he brings a bunch of raw food ingredients. The kids are appalled by the bitterness of the chocolate, the little fools. Any chocolate is good chocolate. At least to me, right now. They also eat starfruit and anchovies. As kids are wont to do, some of them wind up wearing some of the ingredients on their clothes. This is actually a brilliant money-making maneuver, according to Rocco. He tells them, “I want you to tell everybody that Rocco stained my shirt, so it’s a cool shirt. People are going to want to buy it from you.” Gee, he’s such a shrinking violet, isn’t he? So modest. No over-inflated sense of self-importance here. No sir.

Back at the restaurant, Jeffrey and Luke – fresh from their flower investigation – have noticed Rocco’s absence, and are not happy.

I Am The Tiger Woods of Writers. Not.
The servers are still talking about Rocco’s absence. If this is the sum total of their conversational gambits, they are OFF my party-invite list.

Chef Tony is flitting about busily in the kitchen, yelling at a server to put their finger on a dish to make sure it’s hot. Then he trots upstairs to chat with Jeffrey, because he wants Jeffrey to know that the drama between Jeffers and Rocco is their problem. Old Tony just wants to run the kitchen. Jeffrey says Tony can do him a favor by making sure the kitchen staff know nobody’s asking them to choose sides. Because, you know, having Luke looming around down there taking notes certainly helps further such a friendly, relaxed atmosphere.

Speaking of the antithesis of relaxed, we cut back to Drew. Jeffrey’s parting words to him are: “Drew, listen, just observe.” You all know what that means. Drew immediately commandeers the hostess station, telling the poor girl who’s working there that he’s been in the restaurant business for 15 years. He was serving baby-back ribs at age 5, huh? Do you all remember last week when I said working in a restaurant teaches you humility? Obviously that does not apply to Drew, whose twisted little mind somehow thinks its owner is comparable to Tiger Woods.

“It’s like Tiger Woods when he was young and his dad brought him out on the golf course every day and he played golf every day until he turned into the best golfer in the world. And I’m trying to accomplish that in this industry,” Drew says. While pontificating about his life’s dream, Drew has to step aside from the hostess station for the actual working people to actually do their work. Yeah, he’s a real help.

This is So Not Feng Shui
While Jeffrey’s crew dines at the restaurant, Rocco is up in his office sulking. He says Jeffrey has a lot of nerve bringing all those people in, and that it will make the staff anxious and fractured. He says Jeffrey better never come into his office sanctum, because he doesn’t want Jeffrey to “taint it with his bad energy.” Um, yeah, whatever. Just move a plant to your money corner or something, Rocco, and everything will be fine.

Out in the African savannah, the male antelope and the female antelope circle each other warily before clashing antlers in a complicated contest for domination. Ok, it’s not quite National Geographic, but there are definitely some domination issues going on at the bar. Matt is, not surprisingly, being a cocky snot. April tells him to deliver a glass of merlot and he pretends he didn’t understand her, prompting her to tell him to clean out his ears and remind him he’s still in training.

She’d have done better to send him and the merlot out to Jeffrey’s table, because they’re very aware that they’ve gone 15 minutes without a drink refill. That cuts into sales and reflects badly on the service. I’ve got to say, that’s a peeve of mine, too. I want my drink refilled before I get down to the rail vodka that’s sunk to the bottom of the glass.

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen
Sorry for obvious title.
In an absolutely amazing turn of events, Rocco actually shows up at the restaurant. Shocking, isn’t it? I almost fell off the couch I was so surprised. It seems Rocco is a bit wary of it himself; he tells us it’s like walking into a minefield, and he has no idea what to expect. He doesn’t walk like a man in a minefield, though. He breezes in, slips through the front of the house and nips down to the kitchen where, in a major barf moment, he picks some food off a plate that’s ready to be served, and eats it. Yes, friends and health inspectors, he picks it UP with his FINGERS and puts it IN HIS MOUTH. Just ew. I hope at least one New York City restaurant inspector is watching this episode and skedaddles over there to write him up.

After blatant disregarding even minimum standards of sanitation, Rocco gets down to micromanaging. While poor Tony is trying to make pasta, Rocco and Antonio hover over him like vultures, insisting the pasta water needs mucho more salt. I would think that if you hire a cook, you let him cook. Luke watches all of this, although I think he missed the bit where Rocco put his nasty fingers in someone’s food.

Having pissed off his cook and grossed me out entirely, Rocco goes back up to the dining room in time to bid farewell to the Task Force. They tell him the food was good but the drinks service sucked. Rocco nods.

With them safely out of the way, Rocco then turns to flirting with young, pretty female customers. At least, that’s what he does until his assistant comes in to remind him that if he doesn’t get going right now, he’ll miss an interview. And we know how ghastly that would be. He leaves with a quick, “ExcusemeIhavetogo” to the customers.

Rocco heads for a TV interview. Intentionally, or not, the host perfectly sums up the conflict in Rocco’s life: “When we last met you, you were a chef, and now you’re a celebrity.” He asks Rocco how he balances his time, given that he runs two restaurants and is promoting a book. Not to mention himself. Rocco explains that he has to balance two things: how much time spent making the product and how much spent telling people how fantastic the product is. As is obvious to all of us, Rocco’s seesaw seems to be tipped way toward the latter. I’m not sure running around New York signing cookbooks really constitutes “balance,” but whatever.

Does That Come With a Cape?
Young Drew is not only lurking about the hostess stand, he’s now answering the phone and taking reservations, both actions going significantly beyond “observing.”

Unfortunately for Drew, one of those calls he answers is from Rocco. Wasting no time on niceties, Rocco informs the hapless Drew that he should not be answering the phone, he is not trained to take reservations, he is not a restaurant employee and he cannot pass go or collect $200. I’m not really sure how much training is required to take reservations, if we’re to take Rocco literally. But I suspect we are not. I believe the point is that Drew is one of Jeffrey’s minions, and one who is doing the Mexican hat dance all over his boundaries. I’d want to smack him down too.

Drew hands the phone off to a real employee, informing her that “Captain Douchebag” is on the phone. Did he read that on the bathroom wall in an elementary school? Ok, it’s childish, but still kind of funny. It almost sounds like a superhero. “This sounds like a job for….. Captain Douchebag!!!” I picture a superhero costume with a big D on the chest. As a weapon, perhaps he could have a comfortable plastic applicator wand that shoots floral-scented lasers.

Alas, Rocco does not see the humor in his new nickname.

More Whining
In an inexplicable move that suggests to me a complete lack of understanding of how business works, Drew takes his grievance with Rocco to head chef Tony. Drew whines that he doesn’t work for Rocco and that Rocco needs to tone himself down a little bit. To his credit, Tony’s not about to get dragged into this pissing match. He explains that the restaurant is Rocco’s kingdom, and Drew has to play by Rocco’s rules, and that all of the employees are but worker bees stuck in the middle of the epic Jeffrey vs. Rocco battle. Tony says Drew has to suck it up when he doesn’t get his way, and take his problems to Jeffrey.

As Drew walks away, Tony says it’s obvious he’s never worked in a New York city restaurant before. I’m sure he was too busy training to be the Tiger Woods of restaurant management.

We’re suddenly treated to a boring scene of a girl being taught how to carry a tray. It’ll be relevant later, but that doesn’t make it interesting.

I Don’t Need Your Stinkin’ Laws
Back to the bar, Matt’s still testing April. He’s making drinks and flirting with women when April wants him to clean. Actually, Matt seems rather popular with the female bar patrons, but April wants to punch him the face. “He’s making me violent,” she says. I hear you, honey.

Apparently all the bartenders have suddenly vanished, because out of the blue we have Drew behind the bar making margaritas. Luckily, this catches the attention of Shane (yeah, he’s got a title, I just don’t remember it), who takes issue with the fact that Drew is only 20 and so is not allowed to serve alcohol. The restaurant would kind of like to keep its liquor license. Shane calls Drew out on it, and in his only moment of meekness, Drew is actually pretty apologetic. Shane also notes that dipping glasses into the ice-bin is a no-no, because they could break. I would think that’s a rookie mistake, Mr. 15-Years-in-the-Business. It’s like Tiger Woods choosing the wrong club, or something.

Justice is Served. Charred.
This appears to be Shane’s night to right wrongs, because he goes up to Rocco’s office to tell him Drew is out of control. He’s not getting any argument from Captain Douchebag, who says that in two days Drew has alienated the entire staff and criticized everyone. Rocco says an intern would presumably be there to learn, but Drew seems to think he’s there to teach. And now, it’s time for Rocco to teach Drew a thing or two. He says Drew is the “intern from hell” and sallies forth from the haven of his office to “go light this kid on fire.” In keeping with the theme, I would point out that it takes a smarmy intern to light a fire under Rocco’s butt and get him into his own restaurant.

Unfortunately for us Drew-haters, Rocco is speaking figuratively about lighting Drew on fire. Oh well. I can still be entertained by a good tongue-lashing. Not that kind, you gutter-minded people. Ok, yeah. But not in this context.

Rocco intercepts Drew and informs him that he’s insulted everyone, he’s been rude to Mama, he’s condescending and he’s arrogant. At 19, Rocco says, he doesn’t know what Drew has to offer. Of all this, Drew chooses to quibble with the 19-years-old characterization, and says he doesn’t “need this right now.” Which leads me to speculate, when might he need it? Frankly, I think he needed it about 10 years ago. Anyway, Rocco borrows a page from Donald Trump’s book and tells Drew he’s fired (probably breaking copyright law in the process). They both storm out separately.

Down the street, Drew calls Jeffrey, who points out that Drew was meant to be an observer and shouldn’t have antagonized Rocco. They agree to meet the next day to discuss the situation.

Don’t Let the Door Hit You On Your Way Out
Remember that girl who was learning to carry trays? Well, it turns out that she – Jeannine – broke her neck in a car wreck at some point in the past, and she has trouble carrying the trays. She doesn’t want to be a runner for that reason, she wants to be a waitress. Why didn’t this occur to her when she applied for a job being a runner? Anyway, Carrie the gossip is all gung-ho about the idea. She says they need pretty girls in the front of the house to make them money. Has she been talking to Jeffrey’s Wife?

That taken care of, Drew and Jeffrey sit down to talk. Jeffrey says everyone has called him to complain about Drew’s behavior. Jeffrey finds the “douchebag” reference “a little offensive”. He doesn’t want his team operating on such a base level, and he’s sorry but Drew’s going to have to go. At least, that’s the way I understood it. Am I right? Is that it? Drew’s fired already? Listen, while I wanted to see this little snotty tadpole get his comeuppance, I wanted it to hurt more. And if he’s gone already, who am I going to hate? Oh, right. Silly me. Everyone.

That’s One Lap I Don’t Want to Sit On
Ok, this is getting a bit long, so I’m going to rush through things a bit. Jeannine, it turns out, is a sucky waitress. She screws up food and drink to a level unmatched even by me in my waitressing days. Finally Jeannine is ordered to stop waiting tables and just follow another waiter around. She complains that he keeps disappearing on her, leading another girl to advise her, “If you stick with him, he won’t disappear.” *sigh* Don’t believe her, Jeannine! Generations of women have tried that tactic. It does not work.

Jeannine’s role in the Jeffrey-Rocco saga is that of a catalyst, however, because she’s screwing things up so badly that one of Jeffrey’s minions calls him at his dark-walled lair to say Rocco isn’t there and everything’s falling apart. Jeffrey heads for the restaurant, where customers – as always, apparently – want to see Rocco. My suggestion is, if you want to see Rocco, buy a pushup bra and a copy of his book. Because he seems to gravitate to those things in conjunction.

Eventually Rocco arrives. We get a montage of shots of both Rocco and Jeffrey schmoozing their way around the restaurant. Where Jeffrey shakes hands, however, Rocco poses for pictures and lets women sit in his lap. In an icky moment, he tells one woman, “That’s my cell phone, ok? Take it easy.” God, I hope it was his phone, otherwise I’m even more grossed out.

High Noon
It’s time for the showdown, people. Let’s head out to the O.K. Corral! I’m not sure which one gets the white hat and which one the black, but Jeffrey and Rocco are squared off, taking aim and getting ready to fire.

Jeffrey says he knows Rocco doesn’t care for his involvement, but he’s stepping in because the restaurant is losing money. He says the staff is getting a mixed message because Rocco is never there. Rocco says the staff is confused because Jeffrey never comes around.

Rocco is saying the right things, although his tone is a bit snide. He says he wants the restaurant to work and he never asked Jeffrey to stay away. “The support you’re offering me now is what I’ve been looking for this whole time,” he says. Jeffrey says Rocco said he didn’t need the help or the people. Rocco says he’s been trying to work it out and has a thousand emails and letters to prove it. He adds that maybe they both expected the other to do things they didn’t do.

But Rocco also says Jeffrey never told him how much was spent opening the restaurant. After some dickering about whether Rocco has ever seen the restaurant’s financial statements, Jeffrey gets fed up and lays down an ultimatum: Rocco has to decide by the next evening whether he’s in or out. Rocco says he’s on board, but it’s not good enough for Jeffrey, who opines that “being a wise-ass is not being on board.”

Jeffrey’s final shot is a threat to find a new chef. Let’s hope he’s named “Rocco,” otherwise someone’s going to have to spring for a whole new awning.

Rocco walks off telling someone on the phone that Jeffrey just gave him an ultimatum and he’s over it. So over it. I think he sounds like he’s crying. Oh, it’s so sad! I feel so bad for him, I could cry. Damn him, there goes my mood again. And I’m out of chocolate.

Next Time:
In the next episode, there’s a new chef in town, the staff is out of control, and Jeannine appears to be drinking on the job. I think if I worked in that nuthouse, I would too.

Send me chocolate at lucy@fansofrealitytv.com

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Texicana · 04-28-2004, 10:43 PM

*drops off a Godiva truffle as thanks for a great recap and scurries off before Lucy's mood changes once again*

senrik · 04-28-2004, 11:06 PM

wow, I think I need to light up after that recap.... And normally I don't even smoke....

Great job. Better than the show actually.

**fluff** · 04-28-2004, 11:28 PM

Quote:

the staff helpfully suggest that the salt shakers could be cleaner and the appetizers more clearly marked. So that’s why the restaurant’s lost $600,000! Customers can’t order the shrimp cocktail because they can’t find it! Whew, I’m glad somebody pointed that out!

but Laurent just brings to mind the whole caricature of French people that is so prevalent in American media. I can easily imagine him sneering at me in a French bistro as I try to order “Er, le chicken, por favor?”

Unfortunately for Drew, one of those calls he answers is from Rocco. Wasting no time on niceties, Rocco informs the hapless Drew that he should not be answering the phone, he is not trained to take reservations, he is not a restaurant employee and he cannot pass go or collect $200.

My suggestion is, if you want to see Rocco, buy a pushup bra and a copy of his book. Because he seems to gravitate to those things in conjunction.

Wonderful again Lucy.
Excellent recap

Miss Filangi · 04-28-2004, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Drew hands the phone off to a real employee, informing her that “Captain Douchebag” is on the phone. Did he read that on the bathroom wall in an elementary school? Ok, it’s childish, but still kind of funny. It almost sounds like a superhero. “This sounds like a job for….. Captain Douchebag!!!” I picture a superhero costume with a big D on the chest. As a weapon, perhaps he could have a comfortable plastic applicator wand that shoots floral-scented lasers.

Alas, Rocco does not see the humor in his new nickname.

Where Jeffrey shakes hands, however, Rocco poses for pictures and lets women sit in his lap. In an icky moment, he tells one woman, “That’s my cell phone, ok? Take it easy.” God, I hope it was his phone, otherwise I’m even more grossed out.

Excellent job Lucy!

There was just too much good stuff to quote. And loved the Ick. Just Ick part.

museumguy · 04-29-2004, 08:05 AM

Great recap Lucy....best ever.....places a large Hershey bar in the growing pile of offering to the Godesses of PMS.....just the best....great...perfect...very impressive

Is a guy..pretty sure he doesn't have PMS....but had the same reaction to this show.....

Not going to quote the whole thing....there are alot of great quotes but the titles...are fantastic...

Justice is served. Charred.

Parlez vous Banzai?

and

Does a cape come with that...?

all had me laughing.....

walks very cautiously back out

Wenders · 04-29-2004, 11:27 AM

Great recap Lucy!! All the quotes I was gonna use are taken already

I got some hershey kisses here if you want 'em

Jupiter · 04-29-2004, 12:11 PM

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that fingers in the food thing really grosses me out!

Shazzer · 04-29-2004, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucy

I’m hateful, they’re hateful, it’s a perfect match. Now somebody give me some chocolate, and let’s get down to some snarking. Quick, before my mood changes again!

You know, that could be taken different ways. But it’s better than having it tattooed across her chest. I guess.

And that is a horrible corporate buzzword-sounding phrase that should be taken out and shot.

Bartender April seems to take an instant dislike to Matt. So do I, along with an instant like for April. With her attitude, she is like the personification of my PMS-fueled bitchiness.

I must say, he looks scarily unbathed. This scene could have been shot a whopping three minutes after the in-bed scene, which I’m still trying to banish from my brain.

Drew has to step aside from the hostess station for the actual working people to actually do their work. Yeah, he’s a real help.

This is So Not Feng Shui

in a major barf moment, he picks some food off a plate that’s ready to be served, and eats it. Yes, friends and health inspectors, he picks it UP with his FINGERS and puts it IN HIS MOUTH. Just ew.

And if he’s gone already, who am I going to hate? Oh, right. Silly me. Everyone.

That’s One Lap I Don’t Want to Sit On

“If you stick with him, he won’t disappear.” *sigh* Don’t believe her, Jeannine! Generations of women have tried that tactic. It does not work.

Where Jeffrey shakes hands, however, Rocco poses for pictures and lets women sit in his lap. In an icky moment, he tells one woman, “That’s my cell phone, ok? Take it easy.” God, I hope it was his phone, otherwise I’m even more grossed out.

Bravo, Lucy!! Hilarious, eloquent and witty!! What a stellar, shiny, tasty-good recap!!! Amazing!!

I sooo enjoyed reading this!! I am never watching this show. Never.

I much prefer your take on it!!

There was too much to quote!! Too much!!!

Why the hell was there a bedroom scene?

I mean...how damn casual is that?

"Um...yeah...I just so happen to have this camera crew handy to capture my post-coital restaurant angst."

on corporate buzzwords. Oh man, reminds me of my forgettable days at Ruby Tuesday's, where it was very, very, important to ration the ketchup in ramekins, so as to ensure pennies on the pint savings for the coporation, and low, low, cheap-ass tips for the sever due to our clearly obvious customer-hate and clearly intentional withholding of ketchupy goodness.

Absolutely fantastic recap, Lucy!! Brilliant job!!

Sooo witty!!!

Darling · 04-29-2004, 04:31 PM

Fantastic! I watch the show, but get so much more from your witty, well written posts. Amazing!

04-28-2004, 10:28 PM	#1
Lucy Wonky snarkmistress Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Playing kickball for the beer Age: 34 Posts: 8,869	"When Alpha Males Attack": Episode 2 recap Well, here we are again! Welcome back to the second week. I’m just impressed you’ve lasted this long. The herky-jerky style of editing this show could send someone into an epileptic fit. And it’s hard to concentrate on a TV show while you’re convulsing on the floor. Of course, maybe that’s why you’re reading the recap. I’ll just warn you up front, I’m PMSing this week. I just spent 15 minutes crying over a commercial with a little girl and her dad. It was so cute! But wait! Yes….yes….I feel my mood changing! Boom! It’s changed completely! No more snifflies! Now I feel like being a total witch. And I’m in luck, because evidently so does every single person on this show. I’m hateful, they’re hateful, it’s a perfect match. Now somebody give me some chocolate, and let’s get down to some snarking. Quick, before my mood changes again! Where’s Rocco, Part XIV Last week, Rocco’s financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, learned that Rocco’s 22 has lost a half a million dollars. Jeffrey’s team is ready to spend some time at the restaurant, watching how things work and trying to figure out why the place is in the red. When we pick back up this week, the dispute between Jeffrey and Rocco has the staff all aflutter. They’re seeing a lot of Jeffrey and not much of Rocco, and the gossip is flying. Carrie, who claims to be a waitress but is only ever shown talking, says she’s heard Rocco is thinking about quitting. Carrie also says Rocco doesn’t even know half his staff, a statement backed up by a waiter named Bill who says he’s never even met Rocco. Another waiter says they can’t turn their tables because the customers just sit there waiting for Rocco. Uzay explains that Jeffrey has a successful business model for operating his other restaurants, but Rocco has been insistent that he be allowed to run this restaurant his way. As Uzay succinctly puts it, ““Rocco has failed. That’s why Jeffrey’s mad.” Meanwhile, Jeffrey’s Amazing Technicolor Task Force is plotting their invasion of the restaurant. Luke, the corporate chef, reports that the kitchen staff is used to Rocco not being around. A frustrated Jeffrey says he can’t keep losing money just to keep Rocco’s name on the place. Just Ick The following scene will prevent me from ever wondering where Rocco is again. Because the answer is, in bed. Which is not something I needed to see. He’s talking with his girlfriend, who is also in the bed, and is cheesily wearing a shirt with “Rocco’s” emblazoned across the chest. You know, that could be taken different ways. But it’s better than having it tattooed across her chest. I guess. Anyway -- rushing through this bit to get away from this whole image – Rocco is telling her he feels like a stranger in his own restaurant, and he doesn’t know what to do, and that’s an unfamiliar feeling for him. And now, let us run away from the icky bedroom scene. When You’re Good to Mama….She’s Mad At You Anyway Luke foolishly wanders into the restaurant kitchen while Rocco’s Mama is there. She asks if he’s there to cook, but Luke says no, he’s only there to watch. “Watching for who?” Mama asks archly. Mama ain’t nobody’s fool. She may not understand exactly why Jeffrey’s people are aswarm in the restaurant, but she knows it doesn’t bode well for her baby. Luke is trying to get a handle on the kitchen operations, and starts by asking Robert the kitchen manager how much he pays his dishwashers. But Robert doesn’t know; he says he doesn’t deal with salaries, a concept Luke finds strange in a kitchen manager. He warns Robert that to manage the team, Robert has to know what and where he’s spending money. Upstairs at the bar, arrogant 20-year-old intern Drew is being a snot. Although he’s been told he’s there only to observe, he’s already trying to suggest changes. He wants to get rid of some ugly orange juice machine that Rocco loves. Drew would also like to dispense with a state of the Virgin Mary, but fears Mama would be angry if he moved it. Inevitably, however, Drew incurs the wrath of Mama anyway. He tells her he wants to meet Rocco, and she tells him not to stand in Rocco’s way. Drew launches back into his little respect mantra – “Everybody gets respect as long as I get respect,” a sentiment that suggests he does not have any comprehension of how respect is supposed to work. Anyway, it’s clear that Drew is not getting respect from Mama. What Elephant In the Room? The invasion of the Task Force has begun, and one of its members – Sarah, I think – is meeting with the wait staff to get their input. Skating totally around the main issue – i.e., that the restaurant’s celebrity owner is AWOL and a group of corporate number-crunchers are breathing down their necks – the staff helpfully suggest that the salt shakers could be cleaner and the appetizers more clearly marked. So that’s why the restaurant’s lost $600,000! Customers can’t order the shrimp cocktail because they can’t find it! Whew, I’m glad somebody pointed that out! Uzay also asks what kind of restaurant they’re supposed to be. Are they plain one-star spaghetti-and-meatballs, or fancy three-star spaghetti-and-meatballs? Evidently they’re to aim at just the one star, because Sarah says Jeffrey wants to get away from fine dining and into fun dining. And that is a horrible corporate buzzword-sounding phrase that should be taken out and shot. Parlez Vous Banzai? As if there weren’t enough territorial spats going on, a new bartender has been hired. He’s small-eyed, puffy-faced and cocky. No, it’s not Rocco. It’s Matt. Stephen, the bar manager, tells him to just hang back and observe tonight. As we know from our experience with Drew, the word “observe” uttered in this restaurant is a cue to meddle, mouth off and generally make yourself as unlikeable as possible. I’m thinking Matt will have no trouble with that whatsoever. Bartender April seems to take an instant dislike to Matt. So do I, along with an instant like for April. With her attitude, she is like the personification of my PMS-fueled bitchiness. It’s obvious she and Matt are going to butt heads, and my money’s on April to win. “I’m a woman, and I protect my territory,” says April. Looks like she’s got something in common with Mama. Elsewhere, Jeffrey is quizzing restaurant manager Laurent about the monthly $4,000 florist bills. The total absence of flowers in the restaurant has Jeffrey questioning such a lavish expenditure. The ever-impassive Laurent points to a few spindly bush thingies that look like badly done banzai trees. Is Laurent French? Not to insult the French people, because I’m sure that they as a whole are very nice people, but Laurent just brings to mind the whole caricature of French people that is so prevalent in American media. I can easily imagine him sneering at me in a French bistro as I try to order “Er, le chicken, por favor?” Ebay, Eat Your Heart Out Apparently Rocco has added community service to his full schedule of book-signings and flirting. He arrives at the Harlem Community Center to talk food to a bunch of school kids. I must say, he looks scarily unbathed. This scene could have been shot a whopping three minutes after the in-bed scene, which I’m still trying to banish from my brain. Along with his bed-hair, he brings a bunch of raw food ingredients. The kids are appalled by the bitterness of the chocolate, the little fools. Any chocolate is good chocolate. At least to me, right now. They also eat starfruit and anchovies. As kids are wont to do, some of them wind up wearing some of the ingredients on their clothes. This is actually a brilliant money-making maneuver, according to Rocco. He tells them, “I want you to tell everybody that Rocco stained my shirt, so it’s a cool shirt. People are going to want to buy it from you.” Gee, he’s such a shrinking violet, isn’t he? So modest. No over-inflated sense of self-importance here. No sir. Back at the restaurant, Jeffrey and Luke – fresh from their flower investigation – have noticed Rocco’s absence, and are not happy. I Am The Tiger Woods of Writers. Not. The servers are still talking about Rocco’s absence. If this is the sum total of their conversational gambits, they are OFF my party-invite list. Chef Tony is flitting about busily in the kitchen, yelling at a server to put their finger on a dish to make sure it’s hot. Then he trots upstairs to chat with Jeffrey, because he wants Jeffrey to know that the drama between Jeffers and Rocco is their problem. Old Tony just wants to run the kitchen. Jeffrey says Tony can do him a favor by making sure the kitchen staff know nobody’s asking them to choose sides. Because, you know, having Luke looming around down there taking notes certainly helps further such a friendly, relaxed atmosphere. Speaking of the antithesis of relaxed, we cut back to Drew. Jeffrey’s parting words to him are: “Drew, listen, just observe.” You all know what that means. Drew immediately commandeers the hostess station, telling the poor girl who’s working there that he’s been in the restaurant business for 15 years. He was serving baby-back ribs at age 5, huh? Do you all remember last week when I said working in a restaurant teaches you humility? Obviously that does not apply to Drew, whose twisted little mind somehow thinks its owner is comparable to Tiger Woods. “It’s like Tiger Woods when he was young and his dad brought him out on the golf course every day and he played golf every day until he turned into the best golfer in the world. And I’m trying to accomplish that in this industry,” Drew says. While pontificating about his life’s dream, Drew has to step aside from the hostess station for the actual working people to actually do their work. Yeah, he’s a real help. This is So Not Feng Shui While Jeffrey’s crew dines at the restaurant, Rocco is up in his office sulking. He says Jeffrey has a lot of nerve bringing all those people in, and that it will make the staff anxious and fractured. He says Jeffrey better never come into his office sanctum, because he doesn’t want Jeffrey to “taint it with his bad energy.” Um, yeah, whatever. Just move a plant to your money corner or something, Rocco, and everything will be fine. Out in the African savannah, the male antelope and the female antelope circle each other warily before clashing antlers in a complicated contest for domination. Ok, it’s not quite National Geographic, but there are definitely some domination issues going on at the bar. Matt is, not surprisingly, being a cocky snot. April tells him to deliver a glass of merlot and he pretends he didn’t understand her, prompting her to tell him to clean out his ears and remind him he’s still in training. She’d have done better to send him and the merlot out to Jeffrey’s table, because they’re very aware that they’ve gone 15 minutes without a drink refill. That cuts into sales and reflects badly on the service. I’ve got to say, that’s a peeve of mine, too. I want my drink refilled before I get down to the rail vodka that’s sunk to the bottom of the glass. Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen Sorry for obvious title. In an absolutely amazing turn of events, Rocco actually shows up at the restaurant. Shocking, isn’t it? I almost fell off the couch I was so surprised. It seems Rocco is a bit wary of it himself; he tells us it’s like walking into a minefield, and he has no idea what to expect. He doesn’t walk like a man in a minefield, though. He breezes in, slips through the front of the house and nips down to the kitchen where, in a major barf moment, he picks some food off a plate that’s ready to be served, and eats it. Yes, friends and health inspectors, he picks it UP with his FINGERS and puts it IN HIS MOUTH. Just ew. I hope at least one New York City restaurant inspector is watching this episode and skedaddles over there to write him up. After blatant disregarding even minimum standards of sanitation, Rocco gets down to micromanaging. While poor Tony is trying to make pasta, Rocco and Antonio hover over him like vultures, insisting the pasta water needs mucho more salt. I would think that if you hire a cook, you let him cook. Luke watches all of this, although I think he missed the bit where Rocco put his nasty fingers in someone’s food. Having pissed off his cook and grossed me out entirely, Rocco goes back up to the dining room in time to bid farewell to the Task Force. They tell him the food was good but the drinks service sucked. Rocco nods. With them safely out of the way, Rocco then turns to flirting with young, pretty female customers. At least, that’s what he does until his assistant comes in to remind him that if he doesn’t get going right now, he’ll miss an interview. And we know how ghastly that would be. He leaves with a quick, “ExcusemeIhavetogo” to the customers. Rocco heads for a TV interview. Intentionally, or not, the host perfectly sums up the conflict in Rocco’s life: “When we last met you, you were a chef, and now you’re a celebrity.” He asks Rocco how he balances his time, given that he runs two restaurants and is promoting a book. Not to mention himself. Rocco explains that he has to balance two things: how much time spent making the product and how much spent telling people how fantastic the product is. As is obvious to all of us, Rocco’s seesaw seems to be tipped way toward the latter. I’m not sure running around New York signing cookbooks really constitutes “balance,” but whatever. Does That Come With a Cape? Young Drew is not only lurking about the hostess stand, he’s now answering the phone and taking reservations, both actions going significantly beyond “observing.” Unfortunately for Drew, one of those calls he answers is from Rocco. Wasting no time on niceties, Rocco informs the hapless Drew that he should not be answering the phone, he is not trained to take reservations, he is not a restaurant employee and he cannot pass go or collect $200. I’m not really sure how much training is required to take reservations, if we’re to take Rocco literally. But I suspect we are not. I believe the point is that Drew is one of Jeffrey’s minions, and one who is doing the Mexican hat dance all over his boundaries. I’d want to smack him down too. Drew hands the phone off to a real employee, informing her that “Captain Douchebag” is on the phone. Did he read that on the bathroom wall in an elementary school? Ok, it’s childish, but still kind of funny. It almost sounds like a superhero. “This sounds like a job for….. Captain Douchebag!!!” I picture a superhero costume with a big D on the chest. As a weapon, perhaps he could have a comfortable plastic applicator wand that shoots floral-scented lasers. Alas, Rocco does not see the humor in his new nickname. More Whining In an inexplicable move that suggests to me a complete lack of understanding of how business works, Drew takes his grievance with Rocco to head chef Tony. Drew whines that he doesn’t work for Rocco and that Rocco needs to tone himself down a little bit. To his credit, Tony’s not about to get dragged into this pissing match. He explains that the restaurant is Rocco’s kingdom, and Drew has to play by Rocco’s rules, and that all of the employees are but worker bees stuck in the middle of the epic Jeffrey vs. Rocco battle. Tony says Drew has to suck it up when he doesn’t get his way, and take his problems to Jeffrey. As Drew walks away, Tony says it’s obvious he’s never worked in a New York city restaurant before. I’m sure he was too busy training to be the Tiger Woods of restaurant management. We’re suddenly treated to a boring scene of a girl being taught how to carry a tray. It’ll be relevant later, but that doesn’t make it interesting. I Don’t Need Your Stinkin’ Laws Back to the bar, Matt’s still testing April. He’s making drinks and flirting with women when April wants him to clean. Actually, Matt seems rather popular with the female bar patrons, but April wants to punch him the face. “He’s making me violent,” she says. I hear you, honey. Apparently all the bartenders have suddenly vanished, because out of the blue we have Drew behind the bar making margaritas. Luckily, this catches the attention of Shane (yeah, he’s got a title, I just don’t remember it), who takes issue with the fact that Drew is only 20 and so is not allowed to serve alcohol. The restaurant would kind of like to keep its liquor license. Shane calls Drew out on it, and in his only moment of meekness, Drew is actually pretty apologetic. Shane also notes that dipping glasses into the ice-bin is a no-no, because they could break. I would think that’s a rookie mistake, Mr. 15-Years-in-the-Business. It’s like Tiger Woods choosing the wrong club, or something. Justice is Served. Charred. This appears to be Shane’s night to right wrongs, because he goes up to Rocco’s office to tell him Drew is out of control. He’s not getting any argument from Captain Douchebag, who says that in two days Drew has alienated the entire staff and criticized everyone. Rocco says an intern would presumably be there to learn, but Drew seems to think he’s there to teach. And now, it’s time for Rocco to teach Drew a thing or two. He says Drew is the “intern from hell” and sallies forth from the haven of his office to “go light this kid on fire.” In keeping with the theme, I would point out that it takes a smarmy intern to light a fire under Rocco’s butt and get him into his own restaurant. Unfortunately for us Drew-haters, Rocco is speaking figuratively about lighting Drew on fire. Oh well. I can still be entertained by a good tongue-lashing. Not that kind, you gutter-minded people. Ok, yeah. But not in this context. Rocco intercepts Drew and informs him that he’s insulted everyone, he’s been rude to Mama, he’s condescending and he’s arrogant. At 19, Rocco says, he doesn’t know what Drew has to offer. Of all this, Drew chooses to quibble with the 19-years-old characterization, and says he doesn’t “need this right now.” Which leads me to speculate, when might he need it? Frankly, I think he needed it about 10 years ago. Anyway, Rocco borrows a page from Donald Trump’s book and tells Drew he’s fired (probably breaking copyright law in the process). They both storm out separately. Down the street, Drew calls Jeffrey, who points out that Drew was meant to be an observer and shouldn’t have antagonized Rocco. They agree to meet the next day to discuss the situation. Don’t Let the Door Hit You On Your Way Out Remember that girl who was learning to carry trays? Well, it turns out that she – Jeannine – broke her neck in a car wreck at some point in the past, and she has trouble carrying the trays. She doesn’t want to be a runner for that reason, she wants to be a waitress. Why didn’t this occur to her when she applied for a job being a runner? Anyway, Carrie the gossip is all gung-ho about the idea. She says they need pretty girls in the front of the house to make them money. Has she been talking to Jeffrey’s Wife? That taken care of, Drew and Jeffrey sit down to talk. Jeffrey says everyone has called him to complain about Drew’s behavior. Jeffrey finds the “douchebag” reference “a little offensive”. He doesn’t want his team operating on such a base level, and he’s sorry but Drew’s going to have to go. At least, that’s the way I understood it. Am I right? Is that it? Drew’s fired already? Listen, while I wanted to see this little snotty tadpole get his comeuppance, I wanted it to hurt more. And if he’s gone already, who am I going to hate? Oh, right. Silly me. Everyone. That’s One Lap I Don’t Want to Sit On Ok, this is getting a bit long, so I’m going to rush through things a bit. Jeannine, it turns out, is a sucky waitress. She screws up food and drink to a level unmatched even by me in my waitressing days. Finally Jeannine is ordered to stop waiting tables and just follow another waiter around. She complains that he keeps disappearing on her, leading another girl to advise her, “If you stick with him, he won’t disappear.” sigh Don’t believe her, Jeannine! Generations of women have tried that tactic. It does not work. Jeannine’s role in the Jeffrey-Rocco saga is that of a catalyst, however, because she’s screwing things up so badly that one of Jeffrey’s minions calls him at his dark-walled lair to say Rocco isn’t there and everything’s falling apart. Jeffrey heads for the restaurant, where customers – as always, apparently – want to see Rocco. My suggestion is, if you want to see Rocco, buy a pushup bra and a copy of his book. Because he seems to gravitate to those things in conjunction. Eventually Rocco arrives. We get a montage of shots of both Rocco and Jeffrey schmoozing their way around the restaurant. Where Jeffrey shakes hands, however, Rocco poses for pictures and lets women sit in his lap. In an icky moment, he tells one woman, “That’s my cell phone, ok? Take it easy.” God, I hope it was his phone, otherwise I’m even more grossed out. High Noon It’s time for the showdown, people. Let’s head out to the O.K. Corral! I’m not sure which one gets the white hat and which one the black, but Jeffrey and Rocco are squared off, taking aim and getting ready to fire. Jeffrey says he knows Rocco doesn’t care for his involvement, but he’s stepping in because the restaurant is losing money. He says the staff is getting a mixed message because Rocco is never there. Rocco says the staff is confused because Jeffrey never comes around. Rocco is saying the right things, although his tone is a bit snide. He says he wants the restaurant to work and he never asked Jeffrey to stay away. “The support you’re offering me now is what I’ve been looking for this whole time,” he says. Jeffrey says Rocco said he didn’t need the help or the people. Rocco says he’s been trying to work it out and has a thousand emails and letters to prove it. He adds that maybe they both expected the other to do things they didn’t do. But Rocco also says Jeffrey never told him how much was spent opening the restaurant. After some dickering about whether Rocco has ever seen the restaurant’s financial statements, Jeffrey gets fed up and lays down an ultimatum: Rocco has to decide by the next evening whether he’s in or out. Rocco says he’s on board, but it’s not good enough for Jeffrey, who opines that “being a wise-ass is not being on board.” Jeffrey’s final shot is a threat to find a new chef. Let’s hope he’s named “Rocco,” otherwise someone’s going to have to spring for a whole new awning. Rocco walks off telling someone on the phone that Jeffrey just gave him an ultimatum and he’s over it. So over it. I think he sounds like he’s crying. Oh, it’s so sad! I feel so bad for him, I could cry. Damn him, there goes my mood again. And I’m out of chocolate. Next Time: In the next episode, there’s a new chef in town, the staff is out of control, and Jeannine appears to be drinking on the job. I think if I worked in that nuthouse, I would too. Send me chocolate at lucy@fansofrealitytv.com __________________ It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

04-28-2004, 10:43 PM	#2
Texicana Rude and Abrasive Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: in the kitchen, darling! Age: 39 Posts: 4,844	drops off a Godiva truffle as thanks for a great recap and scurries off before Lucy's mood changes once again __________________ " I look like Nigella Lawson with a $#*!ing hangover."

04-28-2004, 11:06 PM	#3
senrik Don't Panic Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Bainbridge Island, WA Age: 40 Posts: 4,165	wow, I think I need to light up after that recap.... And normally I don't even smoke.... Great job. Better than the show actually. __________________ "The purpose of the new capitalism is to shoot the wounded." ~ Andy Grove, Chairman, Intel Corporation

04-29-2004, 11:27 AM	#7
Wenders Mikey's biggest fan Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Austin Age: 28 Posts: 2,459	Great recap Lucy!! All the quotes I was gonna use are taken already I got some hershey kisses here if you want 'em __________________ ugh. I don't get time to watch TV anymore, much less hang out at the FORT. But don't you worry, I'll be back in full force on or about November 3rd.

04-29-2004, 12:11 PM	#8
Jupiter MAMMAW'S BOYS! Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Lexington, Kentucky Age: 54 Posts: 973	Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that fingers in the food thing really grosses me out! __________________ ....You can't fix stupid.......Ron "Tater Salad" White

04-29-2004, 08:05 AM	#6
museumguy Embracing the Inner Geek Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: New York Age: 48 Posts: 3,602	Great recap Lucy....best ever.....places a large Hershey bar in the growing pile of offering to the Godesses of PMS.....just the best....great...perfect...very impressive Is a guy..pretty sure he doesn't have PMS....but had the same reaction to this show..... Not going to quote the whole thing....there are alot of great quotes but the titles...are fantastic... Justice is served. Charred. Parlez vous Banzai? and Does a cape come with that...? all had me laughing..... walks very cautiously back out

04-29-2004, 04:31 PM	#10
Darling Stunning Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: God only knows Age: 28 Posts: 137	Fantastic! I watch the show, but get so much more from your witty, well written posts. Amazing!