Happy day! Somebody is getting flushed down the toilet tonight bringing this soggy overcooked carrot of a show – thought I'd branch out from turnips for once - that much closer to its well deserved end. Despite what the judge cartoon robots and Seacrust The Mouthpiece tells us every week, this is far, far from the awesomest season of Idol ever to grace the planet. Ratings were down on competition night compared to last season's Top 9 show, although, to be fair, last year's Top 9 week boasted a double dose of that supernova of sparkling fabulousness known as Adam Lambert while this year we got new paid Idol fixture non-rocker extraordinaire and future Rock Hall Of Fame janitor, Will.i.am. Can't really blame anyone who chose to watch the Home Shopping Network instead of Idol on Wednesday night.
The show starts off with a montage of the Idol cupcakes trying to look all cool and saying how proud they are to be the last nine standing out of a hundred thousand or something while Randy can be heard uttering the words “these Idols are so uber talented” and “you have to take chances in order to be an artist”. Yes, he said that with a straight face while talking about this simpering gaggle of wannabes who have barely sung in tune this entire tim except for Pia and Scotty. Lying with a straight face is a serious talent. There's a reason Randy gets paid the big bucks, people!
You think you're so rock and roll, but you're really just a joke... waiting to happen
Ryan coos menacingly that this is going to be a shocking results night and then we find out that Constantine Maroulis and Iggy Pop will both be performing tonight. Skeez inducing, embarrassing joke, Maroulis, on one hand and punk granddaddy, Iggy, on the other hand. It's like Dubya opening for Martin Luther King or something. That sound you hear as you're reading this is my helpless, shocked whimper resonating through your screen because this can only be a cruel joke. Right? I'm going to try not to vomit while recapping ole' greasy hair's bit later on.
Because Idol is sometimes capable of learning from mistakes, tedious cheeseball duets are out and the good old tried and true group Velveeta is back. This time the Top 9 are shamelessly raping a medley of Rock Hall staples such as “I love rock 'n roll” and “Sweet Home Alabama”. It's as terrible as every previous group number and I have got nothing more to say about it except Pia outsings them all. This is followed by the appropriately corny weekly Ford Music Video which isn't even worth a two sentence writeup. Moving on.
Just like in preschool, every minute of every day on Idol has to be stuffed full of things to do and people to meet. On Idol this happens because: a) They want to fool these poor saps into thinking that their future lives will be just as busy and glamorous, and b) Idol needs more filler for the results show. For some inexplicable reason, Russel Brand is here to impart some invaluable nuggets of truth about life, doing crack, stripping on stage and hair care. Russel says that the one thing he and the Idol wannabes have in common is that he is “by no stretch of the imagination a singer”. Hee. And because no Season 10 Idol episode is complete without Durbin screaming like a stuck pig while performing a back bend, we are treated to another demonstration of this superhuman feat under the guise of learning bona fide rock moves from a dude who cracks dirty jokes for a living. As usual, the display makes me want to strangle Durbin with his own bandana then hide the body in the woods.
Time goes by so slowly... you just want to slit your wrists
We are now 16 minutes into the show and Ryan is finally ready to dispense some results. Lauren, Casey and Stefano are called to the stage. Casey got some lofty praise for his performance and a tweet from Kelly Clarkson declaring her undying love for the hirsute
45 year oldteen. Stefano loved a woman like a man on performance night but prompted Randy to say it was a “jerky” while Iovine wanted to shove him off a cliff, I mean, wanted him to work harder. Lauren was the most natural 16 year old woman but failed to completely please Steven. Shocker!
Verdict: Lauren and Casey are safe while Stefano sinks to the bottom of the pile.
Results took exactly 3 whole minutes which is 1.05 minutes longer than the Idol average in between commercials, filler guest performances and other time-wasting methods. I briefly wonder why they're so generous with the business side of things tonight when the commercial break is over but then I remember... Oh, sweet mother of Zeus, it's time for Constantine! Idol has successfully managed to keep him at bay ever since the audience got rid of him on Season 4, however, all good times must come to an end and they couldn't ignore him forever even though all the cameramen are probably working under hazard pay tonight. Ryan says Constantine paved the way for rockers on the show way back when which is why he is now back to sing his cutting edge new single called “Unchained Melody”. Didn't anybody tell him that Simon was off the show and there was no need to suck up to him anymore with his favorite song?
I'm not sure I can aptly describe the disaster that is this performance. Imagine Charles Manson's serial killer stare, cross it with every fake rocker cliché in Spinal Tap and multiply it by handfuls of greasy curly hair and you've got Constantine Maroulis as a performer. And that's with the volume off on my TV. I'm sorry, I was too skeeved out to actually listen to him. Took me a day just to recover from the visuals as it is.
Don't speak, I know what you're wearing
As exhausting as that last segment was, there's another one to slog through before we find out more results. In case you were wondering why Pia wore a hideous tie die romper on last night's show or why Lauren's hair was a cross between Tyrolean fraulein and Mad Max extra, that's all Gwen Stefani's fault. The Lamb label maven and occasional rocker is here to explain how she managed to turn three fairly normal looking girls-next-door into scary fashion victims. I won't bore you with the details of how Lauren ended up in that two piece checkered 40s pinup girl getup but suffice it to say nobody shouldn't be trying that one at home.
After Ryan dims the lights, Paul, Scotty and Pia are summoned to the stage. Paul inexplicably grinned his way through “Folson Prison Blues”, for which he should be whipped, but of course the judges lied and told him he was fabulous. Pia's go at a song with a pulse, “River deep, mountain high” was the highlight of the night and left the judges breathlessly gushing about her. Pia promises she will continue to shine on stage. Scotty channeled a particularly cheesy version of Elvis thereby pleasing the judges and causing lots of tween girls untold texting related injuries. Scotty is safe right away and so is Paul leaving Pia in the bottom three. Hmm. Really, America? I guess there's no end to thy idiocy. Moving on.
I'll follow you until you love me... Or not.
After the commercial break, Seacrust is back and he claims that Idol is always trying to coach the contestants for life after Idol so in order to more fully prepare them for a life that most of them will never experience, Idol sent them to the TMZ studios this week. I suspect TMZ got a hefty paycheck and a good laugh at their expense. It's doubtful that any of the current Idols will inspire any enthusiasm from the paps but let the new recruits have their delusions for a bit. Harvey Levin and his crew are all smiles as they try to deliver some advice but the Idols don't seem to be too receptive to his pointers.
Harvey advises Paul to rough up his hairdo in case he gets arrested and it's time for a mug shot. Valuable advice, to be sure. James, who is wearing a trucker hat and a flag vest – two things that are guaranteed to make any self-respecting paparazzi in LA to give you the middle finger and put away their cameras – is advised to rein in his more moronic instincts. When a staffer tells him he looked like “a little teenybopper meeting Justin Bieber for the first time” when he met the Hulk to which Durbin, in his infinite wisdom, responds with an insult that leaves the staffer visibly miffed. Whoopsie! Alienating the media already? Oh, well. You can lead a pig to the trough and all that...
More priceless tips are dispensed to Haley about watching her lipstick and Stefano about jazzing up his Twitter page. Lauren is counseled to avoid falling down stairs and Scotty to refrain from creepy eyebrow twitching. Pia, for some unnamed reason, is enlightened about the perils of unauthorized merchandise on the internet. Does she even have this problem seeing as how we're only into the Top 9 and I can barely even remember her last name?
Real Wild Night
More results. The last batch is made up of James, Haley and Jacob. James worked tirelessly for 5 entire years to come up with a scream enhanced karaoke version of “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”. I'm sure George Harrison would love to find out which part of the song was the original James part. I'll get back to you on that. Nevertheless, the judges predictably gushed about it all. Randy's comment to Haley was that she brought back 1968, you know, what every tween girl watching at home wanted to hear. Jacob's performance made the judges super happy. In short, they were all wonderful and flawless. Truly, why are they even here when they could be singing in Madison Square garden with U2, Celine Dion or Panthera? Panthera... oh, never mind then. Seacrust does a little suspense dance but quickly declares that Durbin and his ass kerchief are safe. Haley is also safe meaning that Jacob is in the bottom three. The audience is booing and Seacrust helpfully interjects that if people are not happy with the results so far, they need to keep voting every week. Not even with a gun to my head, Seacrest! Sorry, man.
Before we can find out which one of the bottom three will be the lucky winner of the weekly “I Got Eliminatted From Idol” sweepstakes, Idol has one more guest for tonight. Iggy Pop is here. I repeat, Iggy Pop is here! He is, of course, shirtless and singing “Real Wild Child”. Of course he gets bleeped more than once, shakes his 60+ year old booty, prances around the stage, dances like he's alone and naked in his bathroom and generally manages to troll Idol for the first time since Adam Lambert so effectively trolled the show with a counterculure, underground club version of “Ring Of Fire” two seasons back. If some Idol voters were thoroughly offended, I think Iggy would consider that all in a good day's work. All in all, this was one of the best guest appearances on this show ever!
Sadly, Iggy departs and with only 5 minutes of show time left, Seacrust is ready to deliver the final verdict. He even manages to make a sad face at the camera! Such a good actor, that Ryan. Jacob, who arrogantly declared that if he were eliminated it would be because America was not ready to look themselves in the mirror is the first one safe. It seems like America was either not offended by this statement of ultimate douchiness or they were fast forwarding through Jacob's babbling. Stefano looks resigned to his fate and even nods his head up and down but in the end it's Pia who is eliminated.
Yes, Pia! What? Did she sing too many notes in tune this week? I see how that can be a problem for tone deaf America. Doesn't the girl know anything? If you want to succeed on American Idol you have to sound pitchy, appear to be a giant moron with a copious sob story, it also helps if you have a disability – blindness, semi-deafness, autism, dead wife, all work remarkably well as demonstrated by current and previous contestants. But most of all, and this is perhaps the absolute #1 thing you should never, ever do: Do not ever be from New York. That's an even bigger kiss of death than being from California.
The judges are all shocked. Shocking! The audience is shocked too but I'm just shocked that they're shocked. These are the same idiotic, useless judges who tell these kids week after week that they're the Universe's gift to music, that they're fantastic and have the best voices ever heard on the planet since the beginning of time. Pia's elimination is as much the judges' fault as is it that of Idol's female tween and granny audience who will never vote for a girl to win again. Idol, you better rig this one if you want a girl to win! Pia, visibly shocked, sings “I'll Stand By You” one last time and then it's curtains for her on Idol.
I'll be back next week to bring you what is sure to be another tedious, interminable night of karaoke performances. Hopefully all the contestants have learned their lesson and will avoid singing in tune as much as possible. Don't want to be eliminated now, do we? And maybe James has another song he's labored on for the past 5 years and if we're fiendishly lucky, Will.i.am will be back too. Woo freakin' hoo.