In theory, it was Lennon/McCartney week on Idol. In practice, it was didgeridoo and Scottish pipes week. The singing was mediocre but up one notch from last week's downright pitiful display so, I guess, it wasn't a total wash on Tuesday night. Well, aside from that freak country fried version of “Let It Be” which I consider an insult of the highest order. Even Lennon cringed at that one from his grave. So, tonight Idol voting tweens are putting the kibosh on somebody's future in showbiz. Or are they? Read on.
Ryan says one of these poor contestants will be The.Next.American.Idol. Sigh. That's too bad, really, but nothing to be done about it; the freight train is barreling down the tracks at full speed and whether anyone likes it or not, one of these people is set to have a tepid – perhaps even autotuned - career ahead of them. And they'll be coming to a Pet-A-Palooza or Six Flag theme park near you in no time. Yes. Be very afraid.
Idol is packing Jason Derulo, Rihanna and Archie all into one show tonight. I wonder whether four or even five guests could be squeezed into one hour in the future. Depends how much Idol wants people to stay awake and not flip channels. We'll just have to see. In other news, the judges are all on board donating stuff to Idol Gives Back and you can merrily bid on Ryan's suit or Ellen's tennis shoes if you so wish. Yay. Just what I always wanted!
Tonight's group sing is a Lennon/McCartney flavored medley, of course, and it actually sounds as if they're singing live for a change. Color me shocked! Haven't heard a live group sing since Season 8. It's not great by any standard but more fun than stuff they've done before at least. And the black and white mod getups on the girls looks stylish although Crystal looks uncomfortable again in her black mini dress and white patent leather boots. That girl will never give up her Birkenstocks.
Ryan heralds a “superstar trip” for next week – field trip! - and we get the prerequisite Ford pimpage video set to “Will It Go Round In Circles” and features the Idols standing around in a circle and playing with a kaleidoscope. And there's a Ford car in there somewhere. Fascinating but the bills are paid and we can have some results finally.
Siobhan went for a neo-punk slash Victorian brothel feel for her song which turned out dramatic and, hey, the lighting was good. She is placed at the center of the stage while Crystal is told that her didgeridooed up performance got good feedback. She and Katie are both sent to join her on stage. Katie says she put the yeehaw twang into “Let It Be” for good ole' granny at home. Sniff, sniff. She really shouldn't have! No, I mean it, she shouldn't have.
All three look near to vomiting but Randy thinks the girls are all staying. Crystal is safe right away while Ryan plays the fake-out game with the other two before sending them to safety as well. Gee, what a shocker!
Before we can find out which guy bites the dust tonight, Ryan announces that the one and only Adam Lambert will be back on Idol next week to energize this tepid season and to show these kids how this whole singing thing should be done. If he can get any of them to sing in tune it will be a miracle of biblical proportions but, really, who gives a damn?! There will be a “very special theme” and, well, Adam Lambert is back! Uhmm, yeah.
Large gratuitous picture of Adam Lambert from Rolling Stone Japan.
Do you know who Jason Derulo is? Well, no matter. If you don't, all you need to know about him is that Kara is responsible for unleashing him upon the world and all his songs announce his name in the first verse, you know, just in case you're having trouble remembering who he is. He is here tonight to perform a mashup of “Whatcha Say” and “In My Head” wearing an awfully familiar looking spiky shouldered jacket. He even has Adam Lambert and Madonna's long time guitarist, Monte Pitmann, helping him out on strings. Nice loaner there, Derulo! There are also some dancers and general energetic danciness although the singing is so-so. I've once heard the dude once doing an a capella bit so has a voice but it's well disguised in his songs.
Filler time continues post-commercial break with David Archuleta performing “Imagine” - on piano - for the 55th time on Idol. He looks about a month older than the last time I've seen him when he guested on Season 8 but his Imagine is still nice if a bit breathy. However, the boy can sing better than most of this season's contestants so he's welcome tonight.
Undoing America's work
Finally, we're on to more results and Ryan herds the boys into two separate groups of three. Lee, he of the Scottish pipe insult, is placed at the far side of the stage. Big Mike, singer of songs about women and their works, heads to the near side of the stage, closer to Ryan. Lee is joined by Casey who did the best on Tuesday night and almost made me like him. Aaron, who was boring and karaoke, joins Big Mike's side. Tim the Hair, who will never be voted off and will in fact be a contestant on all subsequent seasons of Idol, joins Lee and Casey. Last to be placed is Andrew, karaoke singer and fashion criminal extraordinaire, who is made to stand with Mike and Aaron, thus completing what is very clearly the loser pile.
Ryan wastes no time in sending the Lee-Casey-Tim triumvirate back to safety after Ellen correctly guesses that the other three are, in fact, the bottom three tonight. After they shuffle off to the safety of the couches, Aaron is also dispatched back leaving Mike and Andrew to battle it out at the bottom of the pile. We'll soon find out which on of them America wants to get rid of but first it's guest performance time again.
Rihanna has a current hit playing on radio called “Rude Boy” but that lovely ditty with it's lovely, lovely family friendly lyrics is not what she is singing tonight. Instead she is debuting her new single called “Rock Star 101” as Pink sits at home wondering whether she should contact her lawyers. As a performer Rihanna brings the oomph in a Catwoman meets a Star Trek-ish Batgirl getup but the song and the vocals are a bit of a boring terror. Of course it will be huge very soon. She'll soon be scaring up similar treats on her big, first ever, headlining tour this summer. Yes, as huge as Rihanna is, she has never headlined her own tour before. Perspective: It's a good thing. Moving on.
We're winding down the proceedings here. Andrew is safe after the commercial which means that the audience wants to do away with Big Mike's presence on the show. Perhaps people got tired of that near parasitic birth-story-of-the-decade story of his, perhaps they just decided that his arrogance needed to earn its just reward or perhaps America is fed up with songs about heroic, hard working women and the men who love them, week in and week out.
Of course, Mikey gets a chance to save his hide and in order to do that he performs “This Woman's Work”, possibly sending millions of voters into fits of pure white hot rage. In the end, after some really fake looking deliberation, the judges waste their only save of the season on Mike because next week is a super special week – as per Ryan – and because what better drama than a double elimination on next week's big results night? Oh, and Glee is coming back on Tuesday which has nothing to do with Mikey but I just thought I'd throw that into the pot for an even fuller picture of why tonight ended the way it did.
Be back next week as the lovely MotherSister and I lay out all the Idol deeds for your reading enjoyment. Oh, and Adam Lambert will be on.