For a while there, right after I got done watching Tuesday's absolutely horrific performance show, I contemplated again whether there is any legitimate reason to still watch American Idol. In all honesty, there isn't. Well, aside from making fun of it and perhaps waiting for some decent guest appearances there's not much there to see. Seeing Simon's face during some of the more abysmal moments of the show – and there were plenty of those – I could tell that he was annoyed, horrified and utterly bored by the proceedings. If I were him, I'd have been sitting there mentally counting my money and the minutes left in the season. Hell, I'm already doing the latter anyway.
What's in store for tonight? One of these losers is getting bounced so there will be one less person on the show who can't sing. The amount of difference his or her departure will make: Zero. Read on.
As per usual, Idol is happy to make everything as ridiculously dramatic as possible with crazy annoying horror movie music and lighting straight from a Vegas magic show. If only there were any magic left on this show...
I fantasize about waking up in Siberia or some other planet
You know when somebody who can't sing worth damn, such as Miley Cyrus, is called in to – gasp! - mentor people on Idol, things are about at the lowest point possible. I briefly imagined Miley lending her non-existent expertise to last year's contestants. I imagined her giving suggestions to Adam Lambert on how to keep his perfect pitch or some such. I only managed to crack myself up. Perspective: it's a good thing.
So, Miley, that scourge unleashed upon the world by the Disney assembly line, is actually singing tonight although that may be a gross overstatement. Also, after somebody gets kicked to the curb, we'll finally have out worst Top 10 ever. Oh, joy.
Tonight's group number is set to Wham!'s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” which I find mildly insulting. I sort of liked that song back in the day and I see no reason why it should get the Idol lipsynch treatment. What did George Michael ever do to deserve this cheese? Mercifully, it's fairly short and we're on to the next bit which is a Ford commercial. There's some really silly stuff involving the Idols driving various Ford vehicles, unloading lots of colorful balls from their trunks and dumping them into a fountain then jumping in and having some fun. How is this idiocy supposed to sell even one Ford car I have no idea but there you have it.
I find out things I never wanted to know
With the fluff portion of the program out of the way, Seacrest is finally ready to earn his paycheck for the night. Some fascinating tidbits nobody gives a damn about:
- Casey the Chest messed up the chorus of his song in rehearsal.
- Siobhan's boss Brooks refuses to shave till Siobhan wins the show and she has fans who are called Siobhanbies, as in Siobhan Zombies. There is a horror face makeup requirement for members of this fandom.
- Katie's dad watches the show from a bar across the street. Supposedly, he's afraid she'll be voted off if daddy ever shows up for the results show.
- We get footage of Big Mike carrying his baby around because America needed another reminder that he is a new dad. And, alert CNN! Mike's family is staying somewhere in town.
I'm sure all of those details will come in handy at some point in the future when people need a reason to vote for some of these people because if they go by the quality of their singing they'll find little motivation there.
Siobhan, who screamed off-key again but is not sorry for it, will be going on tour. Yay! I'm getting my tickets right now! Uhmm, no, not really. Casey and Lee are made to stand up together. One of them was horrific, the other was only mildly scary and will be made to sweat a bit while Tim is told that he sucked beyond words. When asked whether he'd amend his performance if given a chance he says he wouldn't change a thing. Of course not! Whatever could have been wrong with that whole insanity he delivered Tuesday night? Paige thinks she got lost in the song and didn't do so well. Self-awareness is a rare thing on this show and I have to applaud her for having some of it. Randy guesses that Paige is in the bottom three and he is right. For good measure, Tim the happy slider is also in the bottom three. That was quick but with 40 minutes of show time left, all I can think about is that I'm looking at 35 minutes more of filler.
I feel a strong urge to stab at my eardrums with icepicks
Speaking of filler, Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana herself, is here because after mentoring the Idols so wonderfully she now has to show them how this whole singing business is really done. Personally, I think it's a clever ploy on Idol's part to help their viewers lose their hearing. Just think! It makes perfect sense. Miley is all bridal looking in an ill-fitting long silver white gown playing the piano and singing “When I Look At You”. I'm being generous when I say she is singing because it's more like she's straining and rasping off-key through a simple melody and some especially cheesy lyrics. Poor thing. The worst part is that she looks and acts as if she thinks she's belting out the vocal masterpiece of the decade. Her face is all serious as she's trying to emote and headbang through a song that is twice as bad as “The Climb”, and that thing is no “Bohemian Rhapsody” either, let me tell ya. Delusion: it's a sad thing to watch. Even daddy, sitting in the audience, has to know that his little pumpkin is a complete disaster. In fact, I swear I saw him sigh at the end of her performance. Go get her masterpiece off of iTunes if you feel especially masochistic. Moving on.
The incredible lightness of barely-there talent
It becomes clear that Idol should be giving back... to me. Because I willingly watch this show.
Guess what? Idol Gives Back will be back and this time around people can make donations online even before the big show airs on April 21st. Idol is very efficient that way.
With that announcement out of the way, Ryan is on to the bottom row of chairs. Aaron Kelly is off on the tour because he's this season's Archie and Didi, who is confused about what the judges want from her, is up next. Ellen says Didi should do what Didi does. Simon says Didi should just be good. Great advice, Simon! In the end, she is safe to do what she does next week. I'll be here to bitch about it, fear not.
Big Mike who, I'd like to remind you, has a new baby, managed to find another song about a woman on performance night for which he should rightfully be flogged then banished for life to a desert island. However, America wants to hear more sappy songs about hard working, loving women because he is also safe to be cheesy again.
Crystal is also safe. Expect to see more sitting down on rugs and strumming of guitars from her as those things seem to work. I would bet ten double decaf non-fat soy lattes that she will at some point cover either something by the Doors or the Greatful Dead, or both. I accept PayPal donations to my coffee fund. Thank you.
Last but not least, Katie was finally told she “kept it young” while Andrew, Gokey's doppelganger, delivered his usual derivative malarkey in an equally usual terrible manner. His reward is safety because Idol loves it's drama. Katie spends about two seconds in the bottom three before Seacrest proclaims her safe as well.
I find out that it's not safe to go to the theater right now
How did I miss this? Apparently there are more cookie cutter Disney puppets where Miley came from because Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas, one third of the Jonas Insult Triplets Band, are both here to delight the world with a performance. Say what? Can't help but think that the producers were aiming for quantity over quality this week. Perhaps these three were a package deal of some sort, you know, buy one get two free. Also, it seems that Miley is in a movie that is actually going to be in a theater near you. How did I miss this crucial information earlier? I'm sure her amazing acting debut will be nominated for an Oscar. I feel it in my bones, people! You heard it here first.
After the requisite commercial break, Demi and Joe materialize from the back of the stage, enveloped by a pink light and plenty of fake fog to duet on an inspirational piece of quivering dishwater jello called “Make a Wave”. It's something about pebbles in the water, fantasy, kindness and showing love to the world or some such. The lyrics are your run-of-the-mill inspirational garbage but it's the singing that sends this thing straight down the disposal. I honestly don't even know how to describe it all. Seeing Joe Jonas grimacing repeatedly as if in pain is one thing, although I'm in pain and I'm grimacing too as I write this too, so he's emoting properly, but watching poor Demi Lovato trying for Mary J. Blige-like extended vocal runs is pure secondhand embarrassment. If I say that they were marginally better than Disney Miley, I think I'm being generous enough. Isn't there anyone out there willing to tell these people to just pack it in and stop polluting the Universe like this? Sigh.
Ten minutes of the insanity left to report on with Paige and Tim warming the loser stools and awaiting their fates. I hope there are no more surprise Disney guests on this show because I don't think I can take another performance tonight. Turns out the judges can waste the save on one of them if they want to but I'd bet my laptop that they would not feel so inclined. Not with this bottom two. Call me crazy. After the usual dim light maneuvering and drama from Seacrest, Paige is declared the loser. Simon tells Paige straight up that there is no way she will be saved tonight whether she's singing for the last time or not. As it turns out, after the chatter and her goodbye package rolls, perhaps it would have been better had the show ran out of time because Paige's farewell performance is almost as bad as the one she gave Tuesday night. She does have fun with it and even as the credits roll she's still belting it out, perhaps savoring the last moment of her meager 10 seconds of fame.
Next week is R&B week. I expect loads of pained vocal stylings and more pain. Usher will be ushering them around and offering advice, hopefully with his shirt off. Hey, don't judge! I'm just looking to not fall asleep here. The fab MotherSister and I will be ready to break it all down and deliver all the essentials sparing you as much pain as we can. I promise.