I don’t even remember who these children are. Autobahn and Crystal … the guy who had a baby, Didi Bananas. And like eight other people. I swan this season is the most inane since Season 6. Which itself stole the inanity crown from Season 3. Hmm. I knew multiplication tables would never do me any good. Anyway, I guess I shouldn’t be complaining since the elimination shows have so far provided most of this season’s interesting moments. Ahem.
So, this week the contestants took on the music of the Rolling Stones. As there’s no love lost between the Stones and me, I found it hard to care less about what anybody did, especially since no one did anything really special. But, according to the opening montage of performances and critiques, at some point the show got dramatic enough to turn into an episode of The Amazing Race. I didn’t see that part. Our little host leprechaun seems especially spry on this St. Patty’s eve; there’s a jolly green lighting display and a bit of a folk tune, and Ryan unsuccessfully propositions women in the audience to join him in a Riverdance. This attention to the Irish introduces an extended metaphor for luck – favoring some and running out for one.
Ryan and Simon kiss and make up after Ryan’s getting a little aggressive with him, and then Simon tells us all about how they’re reusing the Judges’ Save again for Lord knows what reason.
Ups and Downs
Unfortunately, no group-sing tonight! I would like to know what the Stones gave up to make that happen. Instead we get Season 7 champ David Cook, who if this swirly mullet he’s rocking is the only alternative, should probably just go bald already, to cover “Jumping Jack Flash.” Cookie is in fine voice and his stage charisma is as evident as ever; he gets the crowd revved up pretty well for all the ridiculousness yet to come, and then makes nice with Ryan about making a new album and traveling with the UNF for Idol Gives Back.
Post-commercials (including one for the return of Glee! Hooray!), is our first official Ford pimpmercial of the season, in which the aspiring superstars drive fast cars, throw paint, and sing while driving fast cars and throwing paint. Turns out you can’t see Casey in the commercial because
you don’t know what he looks likehe was sick with the flu while they were filming, but is now all better. And now, the first official rigmarole of the Top 12. Paige, Lee, Andrew, Siobhan, T-Urb, and Aaron are on the top row, so you can probably guess where this is going. Paige is the first to be called into the bottom three because your talent should never come from sickness. Ladies Love Cool Lee, Andrew Garcia is appealing for some reason, Autobahn ain’t going nowhere for a while because she’s weird, nor is Aaron Kelly because he has an angelic face. Tim Urban is something of a dreamboat himself, but since he’s older and suckier, his looks won’t keep him out of the bottom three. They’ll just keep him from going home until Top 8.
So, Paige and Tim are the first two luckless losers, and I’m sure everyone on the bottom row who isn’t named Lacey is breathing great big gasps of relief as we go to commercials.
I’ve never heard of Orianthi, but as she performs her song “According to Him,” all about how you think she sucks but this other guy thinks she rules, I’m happy to see that she is 1) fully dressed, even though young and a rock star, 2) playing her own electric guitar, awesomely, and 3) sober. I can forgive the uneven vocals and slightly generic song in light of all that.
Getting back to the actual business of the night, we now turn to the bottom row: Lovely, batty Didi Bananas rambles on about Zen and flow or something, loves her neurotic mother, and is safe. B-sox is so very safe it’s not even suspenseful, and she reiterates her position that she is not going to win, mainly because Simon keeps saying she’s going to win.
Young Katie Stevens. I read somewhere that her hair has a “Disney slope,” and that is such a perfect approximation of both her hair and her character that there’s nothing more to say about her as a contestant, and no surprise to be found in her safety this week. Big Mike Lynche is still coasting on the goodwill he earned by offering up his first born, but will be banished due to corniness and Gokeyness probably sooner rather than later. That leaves Casey and Lacey to duke it out for the final safe spot. It’s not much of a fight, of course – Lacey’s been running on fumes for weeks now and is indeed the final member of tonight’s bottom three.
So Paige, Lacey, and Tim are our losers. It’s hard to be upset that they’re there, but it would be so for almost all of the rest of the contestants. By now I should be feeling more invested, and I’m not. I don’t even have anyone to hate, and that’s just wrong. The show goes on though, as Ryan sends Tim back to Safety. Ellen hems and haws about whether or not any of the bottom are worth the Save, but she can’t say anything mean like, “No, they’re each equally horrible,” so she eventually says, “…Yeeeeees?” Simon opines that there might be one worth saving. There might not though. I’m going with not.
Kesha. (I will not encourage her ridiculousness by honoring that $.) I don’t know how to process this, so I’ll just report what happens: She’s red and sweaty, and clearly high as the sky, stomping and lumbering around the stage, speaking through a vocoder. Some other greasy guys come on to say something foolish about “saying, playing, delaying, who I is,” that is also apparently a part of the song. Kesha disappears and comes back wearing a pseudo-Native American headdress for no reason, and then there’s more lumbering, dancers wearing TV screens on their heads, and Kesha kicking a TV screen, and it’s over. If I hadn’t been told otherwise by an authority as high as Ryan Seacrest, I would’ve bet money that we were all being Punk’d, because it was an absolutely stupid five minutes of life. I kept waiting for her to vomit throughout the entire thing.
But it was not to be. Once center stage has been cleared of all of Kesha’s accompanying grime, Paige and Lacey are out in the somber spotlight looking somber as they contemplate their separate fates. Ryan quickly announces that Lacey is the low vote getter, and Paige is welcomed back into the fold of the triumphant. Lacey gets to pick which song she’ll go out on, because, as if the judges would save her, and she chooses “The Story,” which was pretty much her only successful performance on the show. She doesn’t do it as well as the first time, and the judges are all, “Are you kidding? No,” and Lacey is dispatched. Poor Disney Slope is in tears over in the winners’ circle, and Lacey’s family are sad in the audience. I don’t think Lacey reached her full potential here, but she says she will keep singing and growing for her fans and for herself, and then her retrospective dealie plays, and we’re out without Ryan announcing what the theme for next week will be! Although, there are rumors floating around that the Idols will be taking on Teen Idols. Fingers crossed for Fabian as mentor, but rest assured that no matter what the theme, the super snarky MsFroggy and I will be on hand to wrap it up in a neat little package for you.
Anybody want to go on an expedition? I got a hot tip on where Ryan's hiding his pot of gold.