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It's been about two months since the start of Season 9, and in that time several things have become crystal clear about the show, one of those things being that the whole thing simply feels... bland. It also feels desperate, monotonous and cliched. It feels uninspired and uninspiring and it's back to flaunting mediocrity of the worst kind, mediocrity with slightly nauseating Middle America appeal. This mediocrity comes all clad in generic plaid and swathed in the kind of unobtrusive and, most importantly, bland and inoffensive, dime-a-dozen mass appeal that this show has always embraced. Sure, there have been some bright spots, one or two contestants who could swing a cover without making it feel like it was karaoke night at the local senior citizens' club, but all in all, plain vanilla yawn-inducing malarkey has reigned supreme. Will any of that change tonight with the announcement of the Top 12 Idols? The answer to that is a most resounding NO.
I do understand what's going on. There were only three ways people auditioning this year could go: Imitate Adam Lambert, imitate whoever Gokey or the winner imitated last season or be an original. Clearly, the first is not an option for 99.9% of singers and performers out there, although there have been some ridiculously pained attempts, while originality is really a bitch and not really welcome on this show. And before you cry foul, there's nothing original about strumming three chords on a cheap acoustic guitar and pretending you're John Mayer's long lost twin. It's nice and all but go get in line behind all the other dudes doing the same thing already. So the middle road it was. Welcome to the vanilla pudding season of American Idol! Read on.
In perfect (lip) sync
Right off the bat, Ryan hints that we might be surprised by the outcome tonight. Holy plaid shirt! Will one of the guitar boy quintuplets be flushed down the drain? Remember my theory from yesterday? Well, maybe you don't, uhm, but I said nobody who hugged a guitar last night was a goner. We'll see, I guess.
Of course there's one last grim ritual to get through before we can move on to serious business. I'm speaking of the customary booing from Randy when Ryan introduces Simon. I'm not sure the world would be right without that little show of consistency. Another grim ritual is, of course, the group singing number which this week is Micahel Buble's “I haven't met you yet”. It's a nice little lipsynching number, very wholesome, sleepy and I'm sure octogenarians everywhere were thrilled with it but it's really not worth describing.
A few commercials for home improvement stores, shower gels and iPhone apps later, Ryan is back to announce that for the season's first theme week, The Rolling Stones will be murdered in cold blood on Idol. Be sure to tune in for what is sure to be an epic bloodbath. Also, two also-rans from last season are here to take up 5 minutes of show time: Matt Giraud and Scott McIntyre are on the show tonight. Must have been a package deal. Buy one get one free!
Imagination leaves the building
The 12 stools of happiness sit empty but Seacrest will fill them up soon enough, starting with Didi Benami who is anxious and excited. She is summoned to the middle of the stage but soon dispatched to sit on a stool: she has made it. I have no idea whether she can sing but she's got nice teeth! Contestant, Siobhan Magnus who is deemed “different” for some reason I can't yet fathom – is it the lace curtain dress she wears, the nose ring or the feather in her hair? - is made to sweat a bit but ultimately she's a keeper. She says she really likes to be on stage, so that's always a plus. Does she play the guitar? Just askin'.
The last two girls in the back row, Paige Myles and Katelyn Epperley are called down together for a mini showdown. Seacrest, switching to his serious funeral parlor supervisor tone, talks about how they did up to this point then asks Simon to weigh in. Simon says Paige flopped during the live shows while Katelyn only had one good week to speak of. Overall, he feels Paige has the most potential to be thetoken minority girlgoing forward and looks like all the texting tweeners agree with Simon. We will enjoy her off-key warbling for at least another week. Although Stones week should put an end to her Idol ambitions, I imagine. Katelyn is disappointed but not discouraged. There is a quick shot of her family getting the news in the holding room and her mother's angry face is plastered on the screen. Hmm. Katelyn sings “I Feel The Earth Move” one more time because Idol is cruel that way. And I don't mean towards the departing contestants.
Hey, this show is moving along today! The dudes are up to be pilloried next. The back row is called down to meet their fates and are given the usual assessment by Ryan. Casey James, Kara's stripper boy, makes it to the stools but the real shocker is that Tim Urban, he of the shaggy hair and standard issue boy band looks, is also staying. Two guitar dudes are safe now, leaving Lee Dewyze and Toddick Hall standing. You can take a wild guess which one of them got to stay. Poor Toddrick does not own a guitar and has consistently refused to cover the usual sensitive guy tripe that the others indulged in. Lee Dewyze, who wants to pretend really badly that he is a rocker with edge will, of course, be staying and will get a chance to cover Nickelback and be all tough guy fake rocker about it on some future show. I predict he will also be petting his guitar every chance he gets. Call me crazy.
Toddrick is happy that he got to prove on national television he can sing and not just dance. He sings “Somebody To Love” again which marks the last time I will see an actual performance to the cameras on this show as opposed to some idiot standing still and squeaking out another guitar-driven mealy-mouthed ballad. On the other hand, now that the most interesting guy on the show has been cut, my descriptions of the remaining guys' performances in all future recaps will consist of the same exact paragraph repeated as many times as it takes. I'll only have to change the names and song titles. Yay for expediency!
Jeepers keepers
Because the show has some time to kill, Matt Giraud and Scott McIntyre are here to do a piano duet of Billy Joel's “Tell Her About It”. I would tell you about it but I was forced to fast forward through this thing once Scott started singing. Oy! Didn't want to ruin my evening, sorry. I did catch the last 30 seconds or so during which both Scott and Matt managed to plug some album or other they have coming out or came out or some such. All three of their fans should find that stuff without any problem on iTunes.
Moving on from piano karaoke to more verdicts. There are four girls anxiously waiting to hear their fates and as Ryan makes Crystal Bowersox stand up it strikes me that she is completely unsmiling, looking either terrified or sick with worry or both. Not that she has any cause to be either of those things because she is cleanly through to the next round. However, even after she is deemed safe, Crystal still can't muster any excitement. She just walks up to Seacrest and straight to her stool without cracking even the smallest smile. Perhaps she's sick or perhaps she just remembered that her cool indie cred has now unequivocally gone to the dogs. Unfortunately, no amount of dreadlocks and hippiewear will ever make up for that tragic loss. Sorry about that, Cyrstal.
Seacrest is mixing them up now to keep things interesting. Michael Lynche, whose schmaltzy rendition of “This Woman's Work” elicited the worst bout of fake Kara tears ever seen on this show and a big groan from me is, of course, safe. From now on, I fully expect him to cover only songs that will remind the audience of his newborn baby, his wife's labor during auditions or both. Should be gooey and cheesy and very Studdard-esque. And don't forget, Baby Daddy owns a guitar too! Yes, he does.
Also safe is Lacey Brown who says that if people don't know who she is as an artist that's because she likes to mix things up and she doesn't want to be just one thing. That's a nice way of saying “keep that box away from me, America!”. She cries her way over to the stools as Aaron Kelly is called upon. He is a little bit country, a whole lot Archuleta's soul brother in his tween-magnet cuteness and even more of a blank canvas than Archie was. Because it seems that America is determined to be cruel to me, he is through and will be available to countrify some unsuspecting Rolling Stone song next week. Be afraid, be very afraid!
Sacrificial lambs
We're now down to two guys and two girls but only two stools. Alex Lambert has mulleted his way through several weeks of competition all the while being terrified down to his bone marrow while Andrew Garcia has never met a pop diva hit he didn't want to bastardize and slap with a guitar. You can tell him apart from the other wannabe guitar heroes by the tattoo on his neck. Andrew will get another chance and if Idol has a Pop week I'm looking forward to his masterful reinvention of Whitney Houston's “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” on the balalaika – hey, don't roll your eyes, people, it's got strings! It will be transcendental.
Of course this means that Alex will now depart the competition, finally putting an end to weeks of snickering from everyone who has seen Season 8 of the show. Unfortunately for Alex, name recognition is not always a good thing, not when it also involves singing. He sings his song again and then it's goodbye. Oh, well.
It's truly down to the wire now as the last two people left are Katie Stevens and Lilly Scott. Katie once had the effrontery to cover “Feeling Good”, the lukewarm skim milk Buble version no less, and she couldn't pick Taylor Swift out of a lineup of Disney characters. While one thing is a crime and the other a definite blessing, Katie has yet to find her own identity despite numerous attempts by the judges to coax some sort of personality out of her. I'm looking forward to seeing whether her empty stare will ever transform into a genuine “look”. Young age should no longer be an excuse for lack of a personality and self-awareness, not on the season directly after we've met Allison Iraheta.
Lilly Scott has committed some crimes herself, most notably by covering “A Change Is Gonna Come” as if she were on her way to changing the background picture on her desktop to a cartoon character. Grinning through that song should alone be punishable by elimination but she did do enough other interesting things on the show that such a faux pas may have been overlooked had she been just a bit more generic and just a bit less of an individual. But since Middle America thinks “original” is a dirty word, Lilly will be joining the ranks of countless Idol rejects who really should have thought twice before auditioning. She delivers the best line of the night saying to Ryan: “I don't know what America wants to hear.” Oh, but you do, Lilly, you really do. America wants to hear the same old same old. A change is definitely not gonna come... again.
She goes through the motions for her last performance of Patsy Cline's “I Fall To Pieces” proving once again that contestants should stay away from songs with ironic and potentially prophetic lyrics because it never fails to get them eliminated. The joint trip-down-the-memory-lane goodbye package rolls for the four eliminated people which is would make anyone sad who actually thought that any of them had a chance in hell of making the Top 12. Say hello to the blandest, most well-blended and least inspiring Top 12 I always imagined Season 9 will produce. I would also like to note that I was right: None of the guitar equipped boy quintuplets have been eliminated tonight. Just sayin'.
Come back next week as the Rolling Stones will be treated most cruelly on the big stage and someone will be sent packing again. Mick, I hope you don't own a TV! MotherSister and I will gladly bring you all the bad news.
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Great recap, Froggy.
