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It seems the Universe does not want me to sink my ruthless writer's claws into a girls' performance night although I would have things to say. Lots of things. Or maybe MotherSister's nefarious voodoo spell, which I heard she cast in order to rid herself of the kind of pain I have to endure every week, works after all. Hmm. So, here I am again, staring down the Top 8 guys, wondering whether I should just recycle whatever I said about them last week and the week before or come up with new ways to say how much most of them suck. I'm definitely a fan of originality, so read on.
Last week we said a tearful, or in my case, completely indifferent, goodbye to two guys whom I can't recall. This night will also be the last time two of these remaining people will be allowed to commit auditory rape on national television. Man, those elimination episodes are like my happy drug, I love them so much! But before joy, there has to be some pain. Consider yourselves warned.
Seacrest, all spiky haired and properly suited up, goes through the lineup, dramatically naming each and every guy only by their first names as if we're supposed to know who they are already. Maybe this is some sort of test to see whether I've been paying attention, in which case, I fail. The judges are introduced and I duly note that Kara is looking sleek and glam tonight and sitting unnecessarily close to the Simonator, because it's in the script that they're now mock-flirting, natch. There is some inane banter about Simon's new fiance not being present which leads to Ryan saying that Kara is Simon's “binky” for tonight. I'll let you ponder on the meaning of that for a quick second. All done rolling your eyes now? Moving on.
Generic coffee shop crooner with guitar #1
Did I mention that there will be no cheesy introductory videos before the performances this week? Rejoice! We are catapulted straight to the meat of the matter and the first slab of beef on the table is Lee Dewyze.
I just want to pause here to note that all bad puns in this recap are completely intentional with an eye toward inducing as many pained groans and eye-rolls in my readers as I can muster. Thank you.
So, Lee's got his acoustic guitar which he strums earnestly – all three chords that he's able to work, that is – and he's got that plaid-happy, frat-boy-next-door, Middle America cheese appeal that will not be lost on a certain segment of AI voters. Well, at least not until rock week when it will become crystal clear that Lee wouldn't know rock if it were tattooed on his ass. If he makes it that far, I promise to link you to a certain video from last season that will forever live in Idol infamy, and not in a good way. You will not thank me.
Bizarrely, his pick for tonight is “Fireflies” by Owl City which, as you may or may not know, is not a song born of a guitar riff. You may even have that fluffy fuzz ball of a song on your iPod, one of those midnight downloads from iTunes that you will never be able to justify – sort of like the time I clicked buy on Daughtry's “Home” - a momentary lapse in judgment caused by the radio brainwashing you suffer in your car during your morning commute. Note that I'm trying to avoid talking about Lee's performance which is everything from painful to pitchy to all sorts of horrible city. But he's strumming those three chords on his guitar like there's no tomorrow and the judges are duly impressed because they have to pretend that they, and you, are looking at some sort of actual talent. We don't want this season to be completely irrelevant and ridiculous, now, would we?
Randy, who I am now convinced has lost his hearing or his dignity or both, babbles on about how wonderful Lee is because of something or other and wow, it was good, dawg. Ellen liked that Lee put some rock into those computer generated insects and besides, Lee is adorable, she says. I have the feeling that as long as somebody is “adorable”, Ellen thinks everything is peachy. Kara says “there's a star bubbling there”, under all that plaid, I guess, but Simon didn't really see a “moment” from him.
Generic coffee shop crooner with guitar #2
I'm not sure what Alex Lambert and his scary, scary mullet are still doing on the show but it looks like he got the acoustic guitar memo this week as well. He's covering “Trouble”, rushing through it as if he's eager to finish and get this torture over with. His performance skills are practically non-existent, his anxiety level is off the charts with fear radiating from his every pore and pouring out through his eye sockets. I bet the boy would rather have surgery without anesthesia than stand up and sing on TV which is why he should have been sent home about two weeks ago. That said, and aside from his purely superficial guitar strumming which I found insulting, he's got a pretty voice, if not terribly unique. But then, we all know Idol is not looking for unique when sound-alike will do just as well.
The judges always seem reluctant to pick on poor Alex and his big-giant-horrible-elephant-in-the-room mullet so Randy praises his song choice even as he says that it was just okay for him. Ellen recycles the ripe banana joke that was stale two weeks ago and is completely rotten by now. She thinks Mullet is getting better and besides, Alex is sweet and innocent and honest. That's code for adorable. Just sayin'. Kara throws out some stupidity about how the only thing standing between Alex and winning is Alex himself. She wants Mullet to let go and be himself. Don't worry Kara, if he makes the Top 12, the mullet will be let go... I guess that's not what she meant, but if she can utter the word “winning” I can utter the words “mandatory haircut”. We're even. Simon doesn't think Alex is having fun. Neither am I, Simon, neither am I.
Generic coffee shop crooner with guitar #3
Tim Urban, or as I like to call him, Shaggy, owns an acoustic guitar on which he's familiar with no less than three chords as per the standard AI commandment which says that thou not needest to know more. He is ready to assassinate Jeff Buckley's version of “Hallelujah”. As musical murders go, this one is marginally less cruel than the two previous ones; at least this boy band Ken doll has better hair and wouldn't look out of place in a Monkeys tribute band. Randy liked his awesome karaoke of Jeff Buckley while Ellen, who feels guilty for always ragging on him, gets up, runs over and gives him a hug because he “sounded so good”. Kara thinks he was honest and will make the Top 12. Simon takes full credit for infusing some confidence in Tim with his comments of last week which I could not recall if my life depended on them. Suffice it to say, poor Tim will now think he is all that and a fluffy wig.
Generic coffee shop crooner with guitar #4
They're really rolling them off that conveyor belt now!
No less than the fourth person to clutch a guitar tonight is this year's top contender for a Pearle Vision endorsement deal, Andrew Garcia. The only difference between him and the other three guitar-wielding, cookie cutter Lite AM troubadours before him is that Andrew is the proud owner of a distracting neck tattoo and a sob story we will thankfully not be subjected to tonight. Small favors and all that jazz. Ryan wants to know how Andrew is going to crawl into the Top 12 because all anyone remembers of him is that he redid “Straight Up” back during Hollywood week. Incidentally, that's what Ryan said last week too unless I'm spacing out and making stuff up, which is entirely possible. Andrews says that he will “go back to his roots”, those roots being taking a pop song, throwing a guitar at it, slamming it all against America's wall and seeing if it sticks. Sort of like the 8 minute mark spaghetti-on-the-wall test.
So, “Genie in a bottle” by Christina Aguilera gets the string treatment. I guess it was the only Xtina song he could find that his voice could handle or perhaps that was not a consideration at all. I have a feeling, Andrew could be doing “California Love” by Tupac and Dr. Dre and he would make it sound exactly the same. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Andrew will at some point, if given half a chance, remake the Macarena in his stringy, extremely thick-rimmed image. Call me crazy.
The performance is just this side of hearing damage, although being subjected to Andrew's breathy falsetto squeaking out lines like “I'm a geenie in a bottle, baby” is almost funny. Randy heard something pitchy so it didn't work for him. He also manages to give an honest critique for once saying that Andrew “made it feel like the whole song was three notes”. Zing! Ellen liked the song choice, I guess because butchering pop songs is now considered a good thing, but felt that Americais dumb enough to vote for thatwill love it. Kara thinks Andrew is chasing his early “moment” and hasn't caught it yet. Simon felt the desperation in that performance and thinks Andrew is regressing.
Ryan wants to know whether Pearle Vision's unofficial spokesman thinks he'd do “Straight Up” again since it made him peak to early? Andrew says he would and is thanking his fans because he loves them. Fans? I think Andrew is already seeing himself at Madison Square Garden, the poor thing.
Generic coffee shop crooner with guitar #5
Guitarpalooza continues. Casey James has the golden locks, the Abercrombie model good looks, the nondescript easy listening voice and all the slim fit, embroidered shirts to make the Top 12. But what he really needs for the final push is a song like, say, Keith Urban's “You'll think of me”, to lock in that valuable country crowd. As somebody who doesn't think much of Keith Urban or, indeed, country music in general, I admit I can't fully appreciate whether Casey is squeezing out straight-up karaoke here or twisting this puppy and making it his own. And there are some forms of research I simply will not do. Sorry. However, Casey looks very surfer boy cute and I can almost detect the use of a fourth chord on that guitar. Color me shocked to the bone!
Randy, a big fan of country, thought this was a safe choice for him. Ellen says it was great because Casey's vibe is sitting on a stool and playing his guitar. Smiling like a Cheshire cat, Kara feels this was more honest than last week but she hasn't been sparked this week. Simon feels some improvement but he saw nothing memorable.
I would just like to thank the previous five guys for providing me with the most easily recyclable subtitle known to a recapper. Thank you for being so bland and boring and indistinguishable!
Between a crutch and a stool
It seems the next three people are either horribly out of the loop or are desperately trying to differentiate themselves from the 69723497 seen-one-seen-them-all guitar-tethered wonders that came before them. Yes, dear readers, the crutches have been put away and the next three people are actually, believe it or not, just going to sing. How novel!
Well, almost. There's always a transition phase, isn't there? Aaron Kelly is one with the country this week as well singing Lonestar's “I'm already there” and although he eschews the ubiquitous guitar because he either can't play it or the reasons stated above, like most of this year's performance-challenged novices, he needs his crutch too. So, a stool it is. He makes a great show of walking up to the stool and sitting down on it, however, after the first few seconds he abandons the stool making me wonder what was the point of having it in the first place. As for his serving of country cheese, it's one congealed mess so I won't even bore you with a description. Country Archie will either rake in the votes like gangbusters because he's got the Bieber slash Taylor Swift demo sewn up tight or America will severely punish him for his inappropriate use of a piece of kitchen furniture. It could go either way.
Randy says Country Archie needs to polish his low notes. Ellen loves him because he is cute and he really knows to stand up but the song wasn't all there. Kara feels Aaron was singing lyrics that he had no way to connect to due to him only being 16 and all that but Simon says Kara is speaking “complete and utter rubbish”. He said other stuff but I don't want to diminish the beauty of that remark in any way so I'll just leave it at that.
Somebody to sing
Two more to go. Toddrick Hall has so far not stooped to using a guitar which I find refreshing. If I were in a voting frame of mind ever again I would vote for him just for that. Not only can the guy rock a good jacket and can work a stage but he dares to go where not many would dare, namely to Queen territory. His song this week is “Somebody to love” but before he can start off, Ryan gravely reminds America that whoever survives the cut tomorrow is into the Top 12. Perhaps it's a warning, perhaps it's a wake-up call; I can't tell.
Toddrick needs no props or crutches but he can rock fingerless gloves and work an audience better than anybody this year. He's also not afraid to walk from one camera to another and actually look into them as he's supposed to. Moreover, I'm grateful that he didn't kill Queen and actually managed to make me look up from my keyboard. That is no small feat, let me tell you. While I didn't feel any serious vibes of greatness, in a sea of indistinguishable milquetoast performances, Toddrick brought something different. Good different.
Randy thinks Toddrick is back, dawg and can really sing. He thought, Toddrick had the best vocals of the night and the past two weeks. Ellen thought he was brave and felt the gospel vibe he put into the song. Kara throws out the “dramatic” card as if that's something bad – let's pretend for a moment that she's serious about that after last season – but says the singing was very good. Simon thinks it wasn't good all the way through but it had its moments and says Toddrick is a Broadway singer. Well, that's one way to kill off a contestant, Simon! Still he says he liked the song choice and the fact that Toddrick actually performed in a sea of boring guitar players.
Work it woman!
Last to go tonight is Michael Lynche. Since he can't directly mention his newborn or his wife this week, he opts to remind people that he is a family friendly, sensitive entity with a great sob story. His pick is Maxwell's “This woman's work” which is a song choice that pretty much says: “Hey, America! Remember that my wife was in labor during my audition! Vote!”. Mikey is wearing a proper jacket, a vest and a red kerchief in his breast pocket which looks innocuous but then he starts singing and things just go from elegant to gospel choir on a cruise ship. First off, he lets out some squeaky falsetto, which is bad enough but then there are the lyrics... It's all about mothers and fathers and hoping and something else in the same vein. Very apropos his whole pimp package from last week. All the while, Mikey hops around the stage like a kangaroo on crack putting some clubby moves into this slow, standard tearjerker of a song perhaps he knows that because putting people to sleep would not be a good idea.
Randy felt it was good crazy, dope and all that. Ellen loves that song and felt that Michael is the one to beat. Kara is in a tears, melted into a soggy pool of Dioguardi, because the song was so relevant to Michael and because she has no kids and therefore can empathize better with that sentiment. Huh? Simon is not crying but has a warm British hug for Kara. Somewhere in the world, Paula Abdul is laughing hysterically at it all. He also says this was the best performance so far. Man, is that bar low this year or what?
On a night that shamelessly boasted no less than, count them and weep, five people who had the effrontery to hide behind their guitars on what is supposedly a singing competition, three people dared to walk away from the herd. Which two of those three people will be eliminated? Hey, you don't seriously think America is going to get rid of any of the John Mayer clones, do you? Of course, I'd love to be wrong because even one John Mayer – that Bodhisattva of all two-penny coffee-shop crooners – is one too many in this world, but I have my doubts after the happenings of last season. And yes, I will always mention Season 8 since it will forever be known as perhaps the first and last time this show managed to start out honest and end up irrelevant.
Results tomorrow. Froggy out.
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Loved the recap, Froggy!
