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Hmph. Jermaine Purifory would’ve lasted longer. Sorry, Jermaine Sellers. I don’t know what happened to you between your awesome audition and your elimination, but really it’s probably better for your mental mind that you got an early boot. I never really met The Elusive John Park, and was always rather happier than not at the prospect of Michelle Delamor and Haeley Vaughn leaving the show, so … uh, peace out, and good luck to them in all their future endeavors.
Moving on from the tragedy of last week’sethnic cleansingbrutal eliminations, I have good news. We’re down to an hour! And more good news for me if not for you: I have indeed escaped the torture of Boys’ Night yet again. I probably won’t even remember their faces by the time we get to Top 12. I’m going out to buy a walletful of lottery tickets directly this recap is over.
17 Going On 30
But first! The ladies. They’re all lined up looking solemn under an ominous blue spotlight as Ryan tries to ratchet up the portent by reminding us that this is the last go before Top 12. And they should be looking solemn, because by and large their past two weeks of semifinaling have been nothing to write home about. Hopefully the threat of being reduced to anonymity slightly earlier than their fellow contestants will bring out some fight for this last semifinal round.
Due to the time constraints, Ryan only has patience for only the teensiest bit of unnecessary flirty nonsense with the judges before we plunge directly into singing. And taking the plunge with us is lost little lamb Katie Stevens. She is very age appropriately cute in her cropped gray blazer and ton of metallic beads, like she’s going in for her first job interview at Ann Taylor, but I don’t even … she looks so out of her depth singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway” that I hate to write anything about it. I won’t even touch on the flat low notes in the beginning verse, but those aside you can hear her lack of experience. I mean I can. For me for you.
The audience cheers wildly for her; it’s just enough out of proportion to how good she actually did to make me think her whole small town came to Hollywood support Katie during her last week on Idol. The judges not so much with the support. Randy acknowledges that the judges trot out the “the song was too big for you” criticism so much that it has lost all meaning, but also says that it applies to Katie, as her version paled in comparison to Kelly C’s. Ellen appreciated Katie’s attempt to skew younger, but thinks Katie didn’t add any youthful personality to the song. Kara marks two weeks in a row telling a young child they put through to the Top 24 that she isn’t ready to be in the Top 24. Simon brings it home by astutely observing that Katie sucked all the energy out of the song. Poor Katie is bewildered in her after-chat, because she took all the directions the judges gave her to sing something younger feeling that she could connect to, and it’s probably only just dawning on her that seeking the approval of people trying to be TV personalities is a lost cause.
BREAKING NEWS: The Judges Are Irrelevant; Film @11
Manic Pixie Siobhan Magnus (I keep wanting to type Siobahn, like Autobahn) is up next. She wowed mostly everyone last week with a slightly shrieky but still competent Aretha cover, and is going for more oldies cred this week with “House of the Rising Sun.” She’s sitting with Ryan in the brand unspecific pre-performance chat room, dressed like a 4 year old just learning to dress herself, and chatting about her father’s love of performing this song. Quick cut to her father – right there! – in the audience, and away we go.
The sober a cappella beginning is a little wobbly, but once she gets into the groove and gets into the loud, it’s pretty awesome. And although she tends to sing from her throat sometimes, there are only a couple overshoots on the higher notes; much improved from last week’s many. Autobahn has a lovely voice. Randy raves over the performance and then says that even though the judges try to guide her each week, it’s clear she is not listening to them at all. He encourages her to continue that trend, and I encourage all other contestants to make it a bona fide fad. Start a revolution! Feedback is for dorks. And to that end, I’m going to skip most of the judgery response to Autobahn, as it’s all pretty immaterial. She’s unique, unlikely, weird, whatever. Although when Simon says there was nothing really special about the performance, Ryan – more of a mother hen than ever this season, am I right? – necks in to say “What about a cappella?” giving him and Simon the opportunity for one of their little tiffs.
A short one, thankfully. The 60 minute limit must be killing Ryan. I am loving it, because I just noticed the lack of boring video clip packages! It’s literally a direct visual jump from Ryan comforting Autobahn in front of the judges, to Lacey Brown sitting on the side of the stage with her hair styled like a cockatoo’s crest. She’s also sporting a leopard print cardigan, a pink top, and a huge string of pearls, so I think the overall effect is meant to evoke 1989 central Jersey bar. Lacey has had a rough couple of weeks, but tonight singing something called “The Story” by someone called “Brandi Carlile,” I think she’s starting to come into her own. Lacey has been unfavorably compared to Lilly Scott all season by people other than me, but I think this performance shows that when she has it together, her lilting kind of natural croon is miles ahead of the squeaky affectations that Lilly makes her own. Also, I hate Lilly, but I’m sure that’s obvious. Lacey still has clear trouble trying to sail into higher notes from lower ones, but I can overlook that, because I don’t hate her.
Randy: It was a little sleepy, but best performance from Lacey in a while, and he loves the pretty break between her chest and head voice. Kara thinks Lacey is “back on her path,” and Simon thinks she sang it well and could hear it on the radio. However, he’s still looking for a moment from her. Me too. And, considering they gave Lacey practically no constructive criticism last week that could account for this sudden success, I’d say we can chalk this up as another example of the judges’ pronounced insignificance.
Did the Earth Move for You?
Young Katelyn Epperly has also been having a tough time on the Idol road, what with the judges trying to craft her image and glue three different personalities to her face. The enduring criticism from last week was “corny,” so she’s combating that tonight with a little Carole King. It would go better if she weren’t singing “I Feel the Earth Move” while standing stock still at a keyboard. Her singing is very lush though, and I love this song, and it’s the first genuine up-tempo moment we’ve had tonight, so I’m putting a stamp of approval on it.
Randy immediately dings the ironic lack of movement Katelyn displayed, and says he didn’t love it. Ellen says it wasn’t a “wow” song, and Simon and Kara echo that. Simon says it looks like everyone else is trying harder. Katelyn says she was totally trying, trying to be less corny in fact, but as they have given her absolutely no context for what “corny” means, she hasn’t quite figured out the x in the equation. Pencils down though, so I don’t know if she’ll make it.
Guitars up. Ryan slyly reminds us that we loved Didi Benami back during Hollywood before she abandoned her guitar, so that we can properly appreciate seeing her with it again tonight. She’s singing “Rhiannon,” which has only just recovered from being stabbed by Taylor Swift during this year’s Grammys, so tread lightly, Didi. And she does – her gravelly voice kind of skimming over the lyrics, which is the hardest way to earn the “effortless” compliment. I also enjoyed the lack of band accompanying her; it was pretty much just Didi and her guitar, and the backup ladies joining in to say “Rhiannon” in strategic places.
“Yes indeedy, Didi,” Ellen quips when she finishes. I haven’t said much on the subject, but I am starting to appreciate Ellen’s presence on the panel. I thought Kara was a lot like The Great Gazoo last year, always butting in and being annoying and condescending and ugh, but Ellen is much more laid back, popping in every now and then with funny things that serve the show’s party line, and only occasionally obnoxious. I guess that makes Ellen our Cousin Pam. Or Penny from Good Times. Whichever. Anyway! The panel goes on to love on Didi for bouncing back after they completely gutted her spirit last week. Simon even says Didi has even finally proven herself as an artist. Didi still looks fragile and kind of shattered, but she’s smiling while crying, so at least it’s a step up.
Doing the Achy Breaky
Paige Miles has been on a similar approval-seeking course, as the judges have consistently been in love with her voice, but not her stupid, stupid song choices. So here she is with “Smile,” the stupidest choice of all. I’m not going to say that a truly bittersweet ballad like “Smile” doesn’t belong on a show like this, but Paige certainly isn’t the one to bring it to us. You need to be both technically proficient and emotionally mature to be able to sell it. You need to be Judy Garland. This is just amateurish; her nerves are in the way, her voice is one big wobble, she looks insincere, and … basically, the performance reveals Paige as a girl with a good voice who has never been taught to use it properly. A bare bones song like “Smile” will do it every time.
Randy thought it was too much for Paige to handle, and then it got weirdly bossa nova like a cheesy banquet. Ellen thought it was too sad and drippy, which is not the meaning of the song, and I so agree. Kara and Simon pile on their disapproval, and Simon also introduces a new metaphor, likening the audience to the flies at the bar eating peanuts and drinking away their troubles not paying any attention while Paige is on stage being utterly insignificant. I could hear her soul deflate right after he said that. Yeah. In her post-chat, Paige uses Michael Jackson’s well-known love of this song as her excuse for singing it and her emotions as an excuse for bombing it. Okay, but when Jermaine Jackson turns in a better performance than you, you have to admit you made a poor choice.
Crystal and Lilly: A Study in Contrasts
Now here’s Crystal Bowersox to own you. She also opens without the band, and as she accompanies herself on Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason” with only a sparse, soulfully economized strumming of an electric guitar this week instead of acoustic, I fervently hope that ditching the band is a trend that continues. I try to be objective in these recaps every week, but this is almost not fair. Not only is Crystal possessed of a magnetic voice, but she also has the kind of carefully cultivated but still comfortable and natural presence – swagger, even – that you can’t usually get by 16. Katie Stevens just can’t go up against this. By the time the band does kick in to join her sultry jam session their impact is significantly pruned. Last week I dinged Crystal for having trouble adding improv/ad libby stuff to CCR, but this week she was all over it, almost picking up a whole new melody to a whole new song in the last notes. I also loved Crystal shyly smiling through the whole thing as if she knows she is rocking the 30 million viewer house, and is proud of herself.
The judges all say, “Congratulations on being so awesome, we do not know what to do with you or say to you, you are so good.” Simon remarks particularly on her increased confidence, and declares her the one for everyone else to beat. Uh oh. But, that bad omen aside, this is a great way to end the show.
Unfortunately! It’s not the end. I have forgotten all about Lilly Scott and now my good mood comes crashing down. Her gray hair is looking more blonde this week, which is good. But what’s bad is Lilly continuing her personal parade of destroying songs I hold dear, strumming a mandolin I can’t hear and spreading her particular brand of hipster douche-ness all over Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces,” and again finding it more important to look and sound precious than to be musical, and actually reverence the song she is singing. Not to go off into a rant, but: besides her managing to hit many flat notes this week (almost none of the girls have a respectable low range this season, and that is a tragedy), I find it disrespectful and, yes, offensive to sing this song this way, where it’s not at all about the song, but all about you and what kinds of cutesy sounds you can twist your diaphragm into making. At least with Megan Joy last year, and even Lacey this year I get a feeling that they actually like music, even if their styles of expression were/are “quirky.” Lilly however is the worst kind of “quirky” in my book, quirky for its own sake. I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone who has read anything I’ve written about her, but basically I think she is an abomination and can’t leave too soon. Not to put too fine a point on it.
The judges disagree though. Randy and Ellen loved the performance, and Kara says Lilly made Patsy Cline sound current. Simon becomes my hero by giving even the slight criticism of Lilly not making a good moment for the end of the show. Ain’t much, but I’ll take it.
Well! Lilly aside, I have to say this was a pretty good night of Idol, finally. The girls were still not really a musical or even an entertainment revelation such as we’ve inexplicably come to expect from this show, but at least there were finally more genuinely good showings than bad. As I said before, I takes what I can gets, so I am no longer writing this season off as a tragedy. I am back on the wagon. Please come back for MsFroggy’s sure to be excellent summation of the boys’ final semifinal bow, and the official announcement of Season 9’s Top Twelve Molten Hot Lava Bombs! I’ll see you here next week.
Alternatively, the hair kind of makes an Ellen/Cousin Oliver comparison feel the most natural. Which adorable intruder do you think Ellen is most like? All theories entertained here.
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Guitar! I could have written this exact bit for the boys too. 
!
