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So, here's the thing: If you tuned in to Season 9 of American Idol looking for a repeat serving of the excellence that was Season 8 – and by Season 8 I mean Adam Lambert – you will be the truly and thoroughly disappointed by anything it has offered up so far. And you will continue to be disappointed. That is a fact. Now that I've established the blatantly obvious, I can move on to tell you that the boys are not going to bring anything that's going to make you sit up and take notice tonight but I'll recap the painful proceedings anyway because I'm a masochist that way. Read on.
I was actually looking forward to hearing the girls tonight since I've done the guys already – no, not that way, you dirty minded people! - but Idol has seen it fit to change things up on me. It turns out that Crystal Bowersox, this season's dreadlocked, indie-wannabe, guitar-tethered darling has suffered a medical emergency which resulted in Idol making the agonizing decision ofthrowing the guys under the busbringing out the guys one day early. Seacrest quips that this is Idol and everyone should be ready for anything. He's got a point although this little switcheroo does give a new meaning to the phrase “the show must go on”, as in, no, it actually mustn't, or at least not when its dim but passable star has a medical problem. I wonder whether they'd also postpone the show if Seacrest couldn't pick out a tie...
In his usual poll of the judging panel, Seacrest wants to know how the big shakeup will affect the contestants tonight. Randy thinks they all need to be prepared to bring it regardless; Ellen babbles on about her and Seacrest in bed together – don't ask!; Kara, in a rare fit of optimism, thinks the guys will bring it while Simon grins and opines that the girls are leading the boys so far. Well, I sure wouldn't know!
How many Seacrests can you bench press?
If you are like me and werenotitching to hear something you didn't know about the contestants, then this is your lucky recap because there will be secrets revealed. Oh, yes. Big day!
Big Mike shares that he has an abiding love for musical theater and football, two things that always go together. He can also bench press “3 or 4 Ryan Seacrests” which is definitely impressive information that makes all the difference. Somewhat less impressive is his pick of the week, James' Brown's “This is a man's world” which is very manly indeed but it has been done to death. Mikey loads up some swagger but basically delivers the standard karaoke R&B arrangement of this song that you've heard a million times before. Randy says he saw the fire in Mike this week and gives him a standing ovation because he can. Ellen liked the educational song choice. Kara finally got it and says Mike just became an artist. Yes, that's how it works, people! Simon thinks Mike went from being a pussycat to a lion with an old soul.
In case you were wondering what kind of miracle made Big Mike into an artist this week: His wife and baby are moving up to LA, an event we're sure to hear about in detail for the next 6 weeks or as long as AI think it's a story worth milking, whichever comes first.
Unbelievably honest
Stop the presses! English is not John Park's first language! It's actually Korean and he grew up bouncing back and forth between that country and the US. A few cute baby pictures later we find out that he wants to bring honesty to his thing this week. To this end, he is sitting on a stool all serious wearing a plain white T and singing “Gravity” by John Mayer which he thinks is a relevant to who he is. There are lots of blank looks into the camera, plenty of pitchy styling and little to write home about. The judges think that John parked it in the karaoke lot. Randy thought he wasn't original, Ellen wanted more soul, Kara saw improvement but didn't quite believe the delivery while Simon says John will be getting his walking papers after that “forgettable” and inauthentic performance. And I forget what else he said.
Plugged and hairy
Because Idol is all about not being too obvious about who they want to pimp in the earlier rounds, Casey James gets stuck in the middle of the pack this week. Since he grew up without a TV – due to an unfortunate house fire incident during his childhood – Casey has never seen American Idol before. Of course now we're all required to believe that Casey is this pop culture virgin with good hair and a centerfold chest who can also sing. I'll go along with that fantasy because this show holds little joys anyway and I'll take whatever I can get. Mr. Virgin also has a super secret pre-show ritual which he vows to reveal if he makes it to the Top 10 so vote, people, because I want to know what's in that cardboard box they showed that Casey hunched over and quickly closed. However, I'm not sure whether his pick for this week will propel him to the Top 10 since it's “I don't wanna be” by Gavin DeGraw which is a song that has been killed many times over on Idol – and not in a good way. It also boasts some of the most most annoying lyrics ever written. Casey spices it up a bit by playing his electric guitar and adding passable vocals although his arrangement is straight up and uninspired.
Randy thought he was channeling Hendrix but didn't dig the vocals so much. Ellen liked the song but says he's stiff on stage. Watch Casey jump around like he's been possessed for his next performance. Based on his good hair, I'd say his advancement is a sure thing, so I'm looking forward to a little less of the singing stiff. Hmm, that came out all wrong, didn't it? Kara thinks Casey “took two steps backward”, a comment which elicits some well-scripted shocked gasps from the other judges since, you know, Kara is a fangirl and all that. She says this is a singing competition – who knew? - and Casey packed too much guitar and too little vocal zing into that performance. Simon sort of agrees with Kara saying Casey was just playing at being a rock star.
Mullets better than before
This season's designated pity vote, Alex Lambert, is a bundle of nerves, a walking hairdo insult and not much else although his big secret is that he sings in tongues, a detail that I could have lived without. Alex's big goal is to get through John Legend's “Everybody knows” without looking like he just got stabbed in the gut with a pitchfork although that's not exactly how he put it but I thought his simple “I don't want to be terrified” sounded a bit, well, simple. Alex brings out his acoustic guitar, that great helper that every so-so contestant can confidently lean on in times of need, and puts forth a pleasant if boring interpretation of that yawn-worthy song.
Randy enjoyed the more “legit” vibe he heard, Ellen says he is now a ripe banana and Kara gushes the country is rooting for him and he has a tone to die for. Simon opines that he did miles better than last week but doesn't feel Alex wants to win. For his part, Alex is living his dream and really, really wants to be here.
Be different just not too different
I think we all know by now that Toddrick Hall is a dancer but did we know he does push ups before performing? Yes, he does. His thinking is that there's nothing wrong with a bit of dancing while singing like, say, Paula Abdul does it. Or, she used to, in any case. However, this week will not be the week that Toddrick whips out his fouttes en tournant because it's time for him to show the judges that he can cover a song while standing perfectly still. That is not what he said – it was something about showing that he is a good singer not just a dancer – but, I'm guessing, that's what he really meant. His song tonight is Tina Turner's “What's love got to do with it” which he twists up and turns around quite thoroughly. At first, while his vocals are still soft and subdued, he sticks to one spot as if guarding his mic stand but soon he's back to dancing around the stage.
Randy thinks he's one of the best they found so far, liked his falsetto but wants him to “just sing it dawg” without changing things up so much. Toddrick promises to try that next time. Ellen says, not so fast! In her view, Toddrick should be dancing but singing something more current while doing so. Kara wants the old Toddrick back who was not all over the place but was still unique. Huh? Simon thinks this singing business is not for Toddrick because he sounded dated and corny.
Translation: It was all wrong and America, vote him off before he grabs the viewers' attention and takes votes away from the girls!
Onesie with the church
The main thing you need to know about Jermaine Sellers is that he lives in his dino onesie, uses a steam mask to condition his voice before performing and thinks the judges are basically nuts but that they give good advice. Sort of. He is ready to take that advice though, which is why he is singing “What's going on” by Marvin Gaye. The thing that is going on with this choice is twofold: On the one hand it's a song that even your dog knows, on the other hand it's a song not even your dog wants to hear covered ever again. Jermaine is pitchy and possibly off-key but I still can't argue with him since he is wearing a checkered bow tie over a polka dot shirt. I will always root for a guy who mixes those two things regardless of his singing ability.
Randy thought he put too much into it but still didn't quite hit it right. Ellen likes his style but felt he pushed it too far. Kara, always eloquent, liked his ability but he's overloading his performances with tricks. She calls for a one trick limit. And what does Simon think? Simon pouts and is disappointed because he feels Jermaine watered the song down; made it more cabaret than church. When Jermaine asks what he should sing next week, Simon simply says: “You won't be here next week.” Ouch!
Thick-rimmed glasses watch: Week 2
By this point, I am on pins and needles to find out what Andrew Garcia's secret power is. Turns out he is a break dancer. Strangely enough, I would never have pegged him for a virgin flares rocking fanatic. By the way, I will never admit to googling that. Will Andrew scissor kick and freeze stand his way toward the Top 10? Perhaps not with James Morrison's boring “You gave me something” which might make your grandmother want to pick up the phone once or twice but will it make her grandkids power text message like crazies? Hmm. Andrew doesn't care though because this is his kind of music, he owns a very manly black scarf, has abandoned his guitar crutch and has instead opted for a stool. Apparently, he has also worked somewhat on the delivery of his creepy, fixed stare which is made doubly menacing by those thick-rimmed grandpa glasses Andrew favors.
Randy loves him some James Morrison but didn't like the vibe or the pitchiness, dawg. His suggestion: Jason Mraz. Ellen liked it but thinks he set the bar too high with the Paula Abdul song from Hollywood week. Kara agrees but she still likes him. She wants surprises not all this safe stuff. Simon feels the problem is that Andrew has a problem because he keeps picking the wrong song out of all the millions of songs he could be picking. And by millions I'm sure he means that limited song list they all get to play with every week.
Granny's boy
Photography is Aaron Kelly's, 16, big passion that nobody would've ever guessed so he is shown snapping pictures of random things such as lamps and dry plants and being all philosophical about the camera lens and how it sees things differently. This has nothing to do with his singing but Idol has to get people to vote somehow. Right?
Aaron's song tonight is “My Girl” by The Temptations which is a good choice for any 16 year old going on 75. Although his voice is still shaking in fear, Aaron moves around the stage with a bit more confidence and looks almost 17 serious. Randy didn't know what to expect but he dug it this time. Ellen enjoyed his newfound confidence but felt the song was too forgettable. Kara, really, really liked it because she likes Aaron. She also compliments him on being consistently twangy and cute. Simon didn't like it saying it was all over the place. He says the performance wasn't Justin Bieber enough for him and wants Aaron to do something that's not destined to become an super hit at a Bingo club. He actually said something less old fashioned but I thought that comment was too old fashioned. I want something less cheesy, but then nobody asked me.
Boy band high
Tim Urban has a big family and that's his story aside from the fact that he prays before singing although no amount of prayer could have helped that horrible performance he served up last week. However, Tim has the cute factor, the church factor, the big lovable family factor so I predict great things for him right up to the point he's eliminated. Which may be soon especially since Tim's choice this week is “Come on get higher” by Matt Nathanson. This, apparently, is a song that Tim thinks America will relate to. Perhaps the America that listens to sleepy, syrupy, mealymouthed singers because Tim's tepid go at it with his acoustic guitar prop is nothing if not earnest and pedestrian and a bit like a one man boy band. I can only vaguely remember what he did last week but this is a step up from whatever that disaster was.
Although the audience cheers for him and Tim had fun, Randy smelled karaoke and just didn't get it. Ellen agrees with Randy. She says he should try to act as if he has some charisma or stage presence because he “[has] a little voice”. Because Kara likes to be different she says she liked the song choice but didn't believe the performance. Going against the grain, Simon liked him and says he sounded more relevant. He also liked the fact that he listened to the judges.
Son of Cook
Slowly but surely, we're getting to the end. Lee Dwyze gets the pimp spot this week because Andrew Garcia can't have it twice in a row and because Lee has a story about being a wild child who overcame his bad ways with the help of a great teacher. If that sounds like a Lifetime movie, I say that's a good thing for Lee, you know, in case this whole American Idol experience doesn't quite work out. Lee knows he was pitchy last week so he wants to turn things around this week and give it his all. His selection is Hinder's “Lips of an angel” which is the kind of lite radio-bait soft rock ballad that Daughtry probably wishes he had written. Lee does his best to sound like the love child of Cook and Daughtry, complete with wearing a plain blue T-shirt, strolling about with mic stand in hand and looking all manly and approachable. All he needs is a couple of sixpacks of beer and a Ford pickup truck and he'll be a rawk stah in no time.
The audience hollers loudly and Randy liked it even though he heard some pitch problems. Ellen heard the same, felt the nerves but also the way Lee was into the song. Kara appreciated the improvement from last week, pitch-wise, and she thinks he has a radio-ready voice. And by that I assume she means a voice you can hear from ten or twenty other people out there right now. Simon wants him to stand tall and not be so terrified. Still, he thinks Lee has by far the best voice in the competition right now.
Conclusion: Some of them suck to high heaven, some of them suck just a little bit less and the rest are just aight. Are there any voices that make sit up and take notice? No. Are there some good karaoke Disney parade candidates? Oh, several. Will one of them win in the end? Only if the girls suck much more or Idol can't rig this thing properly.
I'll be back to report on the happy news from the elimination show after which we will be down to only 16 of them and one step closer to cooking this turkey. Yoohoo. The excellent MotherSister is off thinking up jokes about little girls crooning 60 year old ballads but will return next week and we shall make you happy again! I swear.
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I'm pretty sure it's a severed head. Or maybe I've been watching too many old B movies.
