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Hooray, I lucked out and escaped having to deal with the boys yet again! My condolences, MsFroggy. And yet my victory is at best a hollow one, because the ladies, while not nearly as horracious as the gentlemen, are still – as a group if not individually – toeing the border to Sucktown. Since each gender failed so thoroughly last week, it’s very easy now to congratulate this season’s women for not being as awful as they could have been this week. I don’t want to jump on the “The Show is Dead!” bandwagon, because 1) I’m not a joiner, and 2) because I am an optimist, but “not as awful” isn’t the same as “great.” I’m not seeing enough signs that we’ll get to “great” before the season is over.
However. The ladies are filing out in reverse order tonight, so that our first performer Crystal Bowersox can be at the end of the line and convenient for Ryan to interview about her yesterday’s diabetic scare. Crystal says she’s doing fine and calls herself a tough cookie, so everybody put down the prayer beads. Ryan then turns to the judges and asks Randy why he congratulated the boys on being mostly terrible last night; The Dawg says something about them showing and proving. Proving what, I don’t know. Ellen tells a lame joke about picking appropriate songs, and Ryan tries and fails to recreate a bit of the old Paula magic with Simon and Kara.
Light in the Darkness
And then we get down to business. This week the contestants are charged with sharing something interesting about themselves in the pre-packages. Crystal’s interesting thing about herself is about her brother. Her twin brother, Carl, who she lovingly describes as “a square.” Turns out Simon was right when he said Crystal had an aura of subway busker about her, as she did used to sing in subways around Chicago. How much better Crystal is than those other street performers remains to be seen, but I’m going to guess: A lot. Also, Crystal busts Simon’s public transportation cred by mentioning his own two-story trailer. I love her. I have even gotten over her hair.
Tonight Crystal wants to put a gospel spin CCR’s “Long As I Can See the Light.” She is sans harmonica, but still avec guitar tonight, and there’s a very pronounced organ somewhere in the band to make gospel happen. Crystal has slowed the original down a bit, and even threw in a little mood-setting measure before really beginning the song. A few weeks back I described Crystal’s voice as being like coffee grounds, by which I am guessing I meant very earthy and smooth. That description continues to fit. What I’m saying is Crystal picked a great song for herself and sang it very well. She had trouble selling the ad libs in the breakdown, but ad libbing is very difficult to do seamlessly, so I can forgive that.
The judges are pleased as well. Randy must be missing Paula as he borrows from her book of feel-good platitudes to tell Crystal that “truth is reality,” and Crystal is the truth. Randy is also wearing a powder blue Swatch with his bright red sweater. That fashion tidbit doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I thought it was notable. Ellen thinks Crystal has “raw natural talent,” and urges her to stay healthy because the show needs her. Kara is an idiot who thinks Crystal sang “You Oughtta Know” last week, and Simon congratulates her for not using her serious illness in a bid for sympathy, and then says he “completely misunderestimated” Crystal last week but now regards her as a serious artist. Misunderestimated her, Simon? That’s a misunderstatement. Also, while Ryan is reading her number, IDOLS-01, Crystal holds up a peace sign which could be mistaken for a number 02, but quickly realizes the mistake. It’s adorable.
Sweet Nothings
Now here’s young, perky, awkward Haeley Vaughn, with another big, silly flower in her big, silly hair, and wearing another tiny baby doll dress. But she’s not singing another Beatles song; this week young Ms. Vaughn has decided to cover a different rock god: Miley Cyrus. Because, as Haeley shares, she’s young and under-confident, just like Miley talks about being in “The Climb.”
Oh, and the interesting thing about her is that she likes to glue flowers to headbands. Like the one she’s wearing tonight. And that she is incapable of not smiling, because she is such a happy person. Haeley has not carried her guitar over to this week, but unfortunately she has carried over her inability to sustain an entire song without slipping into “ridiculously bad” territory for most of it. Haeley seems like a pleasant enough girl, but my word. There is no excuse for this. Randy says it was “excruciating.” Yeah, I’m going to go with that. Kara says that all the little people out here in the dark are in love with Haeley like we are with Alex Lambert. She is ridiculous. But she does have a point when she says that Haeley needed to take a year (or more really) to prepare for being a singer. Nice to hear that after you put her in the competition this year. Simon says he doesn’t want to pile on, but then goes on to say he found it ironic that Haeley should be singing about climbing when she just fell off a cliff with that performance. Ryan admonishes him because that was, in fact, a pile on, and then the studio goes deathly quiet as the audience waits for Simon’s neck to open and spew fire all over Ryan, but alas, it was not to be.
Post-commercials, Ryan asks lovable Lacey Brown how she felt about being postponed. Lacey says it was awesome for her, if terrible for the boys. Her interesting quality is a love for antiquing and refinishing antiques. Interesting. Also, she was planning to sing Sixpence None the Richer before Kara even suggested it last week, and to prove it, that is what she will sing tonight. “Kiss Me.” Lacey’s voice is very pretty and interesting all through the slow first verse and even the first hook, but once she tries to swing it on the second verse and second refrain, she runs out of breath and then runs over the notes. I really, really want her to be less nervous if by some chance she makes it past this, because I think she has the potential to get to “great.” The judges hated it, except Ellen. Randy thinks Lacey didn’t bring anything to the song. Kara thinks the song was a very good showcase for her tone, but she didn’t do enough to make it special. Simon thinks it was better than her last week’s outing, but thinks Lacey is too keen on pleasing the judges instead of being herself as an artist. Um, since when do the judges disapprove of people letting the judges put them in boxes?
Katie Stevens is chatting with Ryan on the brand unspecific sofa in the brand unspecific waiting room. Katie’s high school pals have been trying to get together to watch her on TV, but sincethere have been signs from Godit has snowed in her hometown during her every performance, it’s tough for them to do. Also they chat about Katie seeming like an old lady, so she will try to appear more like a teenager this time. Her interesting thing is the ability to say “Give me a kiss” in six different languages. What’s interesting to me is that Katie thinks this is interesting. “I’m embarrassed for myself, that I can do that,” she says after sharing with us. I’m embarrassed for her that that’s all she can do. Again, probably a lovely girl, but I don’t know what year she is from. Her attempt at “young” is balanced on that “Put Your Records On” song by Corrine Bailey Rae, who I just recently discovered is an amazing lady and much more musically remarkable than this song suggests. Katie does okay, although she scrapes the bottom notes and wimps out on some of the higher ones. And she does a good job at not looking 30. Randy thinks it was uneven; the beginning section with all the low notes was pitchy, but when she opened up later it was cool. Ellen likes her voice, but is still not convinced that she is a young girl. Kara agrees with Ellen on the youth thing. So be younger, Katie! Come back next week with “I’m a Little Teapot!” Kara also says the song itself is good on the radio but without enough substance for a performance. Simon says she needs more experience. Ryan wants to know how Katie plans to be younger, and Katie says, I kid you not, “I’ll have to do some research.” God bless this poor child. Also, hilarity: Randy and Ryan ask what teenagers Katie is a fan of (“Justin Bieber?” Ryan hints), and Katie just stands there with a blank look on her face. Burn, tweenyboppers!
Searching for Soul
Up next is our resident Nervous Purvis Didi Benami. Lurking in her past is a stint as a mascot for her middle school sports teams before she became a cheerleader. Also, she mews like a cat before performing, for some reason other than her clearly being comfortable with looking stupid. Last week Simon called Didi a self-indulgent singer, and even though Didi went and looked that up in the dictionary she didn’t get how her song choice could read as selfish. So she’s hedging her bets this week by singing the ultimate generosity/community anthem, “Lean on Me.” Yikes.
Well, it’s actually not bad. Didi’s voice is lovely when she can handle it. When she can’t handle it is mostly during the ad libbing portion which, as I’ve mentioned, is the Achilles heel of many a singer. The judges pan it because – as Randy says – she sang it without the requisite soul. This will be important later. Ellen thinks Didi should’ve sung “Lovely Day” which, I agree would’ve been awesome. Simon thought she was still meowing and screechy. I didn’t think it was as bad as the judges did. Actually I thought it was better, but I don’t get paid for my thoughts, so who cares. Post-judging Didi looks like she could burst into tears the second she opens her mouth, so she just stands there with sad eyes and pursed lips while Ryan grasps her arms and tries to keep her from imploding.
I forgot Michelle Delamor was on this show. Huh. Ryan is chatting with her about how the judges never know what they’re talking about and are thus always contradicting themselves. Michelle says the judges’ feedback is important, but isn’t really confused by them because she’s always staying true to herself. Yeah, I don’t know. Michelle is interesting because she directs the youth choir at her church, and because she was dull last week is hoping to create a moment this week by singing Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open.” What sort of moment is this intended to create, exactly? A moment when everyone leaves the room? What is with all these horrible and/or boring songs this week? Maybe that’s why I appreciated Didi’s “Lean on Me.” At least that had bounce. And, at least Didi was able to avoid being flat on like, every third note, including the final one.
When she’s finished, Michelle has the courtesy to put on a dismayed expression, because at least she realizes that she was terrible. Randy picks up on that and picks at her about it, but he also compliments her outfit, which looks like a white prom dress hitched up over a pair of skinny jeans. Everyone notes that she had trouble staying on pitch but that they love her anyway, and Kara says she doesn’t even care that it sounded awful, because it was “believable.” How dumb is that? Dumb enough for Simon to agree; he thinks she got 80% of the performance right. So it’s official: singing is only 20% of this show. You can suck at singing and still get a B.
At Which Time I Thought I Would Die of Rage
Lilly is interesting because she plays a lot of instruments and likes playing songs with instruments that don’t match them. If that isn’t the definition of “trying too hard to be special,” then ... I don’t know. We need to write a new dictionary. Last week Lilly impressed with what I thought was an okay but affected and overly-coy take on “Fixing a Hole.” Now Lilly says she’s going to do “A Change is Gonna Come,” and boom! she’s dead to me, so the gray hair thing finally makes sense.
I make no secret of the fact that I think every version of this song ever done on Idol has sucked out loud. Yes, his too. I grew up in the town where Sam Cooke was arrested for sitting-in at a segregated hotel after a performance. My parents were young black kids in that town the same time he got thrown in jail for wanting to go to sleep after a show. So yeah, the song he composed as a result of that night has always been extremely poignant for me. But even if none of that were the case, I’d still be put off by this stylized hipster BS. I don’t think you have to be personally invested to be offended by somebody on television soullessly hunching and smirking (and squealing!) her way through an emotional touchstone of a major human rights movement. But you know, whatever. I’m over it. Let’s get Haeley Vaughn up there singing “Blowin’ in the Wind” next week.
Because the judges loved what Lilly did, and want to see more of it. They think the rest of the girls should be more like her. Randy says absolutely nothing about soul this go-round, and even calls Lilly both Bjork and Bob Dylan. I don’t know how I didn’t have an aneurysm right at that moment, so, good looking out, God. At least Simon admits that the singing was affected and, though he approves of Lilly, thinks Crystal is still the better of the night.
Kara’s Kids
On Kara’s recommendation, Katelyn Epperly is back to the natural look and style, as she talks very cheerfully to Ryan about how mean the judges are and how inconsistent their advice about originality is. Katelyn is studying to be a studio engineer, so she knows a little bit about mixing and scratching the tunes, and hopes to own her own studio someday. It’s really refreshing to hear someone speaking about the music industry as an industry and not just some opportunity to get on stage and get attention. I’m probably projecting there. Anyway, Katelyn is at the piano to sing Coldplay’s “The Scientist.” She also has inexplicably slowed down an already pretty slow song, and I don’t know why that is a theme this year, but I hope it stops now.
Katelyn’s thankfully miles better than she was last week when she was trying to be a bar singer. Her voice is very suited to this kind of thing, and her singing seemed very connected with the actual emotion behind the lyrics. I could’ve done without that final glory note though. Randy liked her, but notes the unnecessary slowness, as does Ellen who says, “It was [i]sooo[i/] slow, and uh, it was way too slow. Too slow.” Kara tries to give her more yet more advice and ends up saying absolutely nothing in five hundred words. Simon compares this version to one Natasha Bedingfield has done, that Katelyn says she hasn’t heard yet. And then he says it was a little corny, so, ouch Natasha Bedingfield, but he nevertheless thinks Katelyn has vastly improved over her offering last week.
Paige Miles does a very cute skit backstage with Ryan about needing water in order to live, and then in her package talks about her deep love of crayons and coloring books. And smiling. Last week Simon said she had the best girl voice, and Kara urged her to go for more rock and keep putting soul into her performances. Paige is hoping to sustain that approval with Kelly Clarkson’s “Walk Away,” which Kara apparently co-wrote. Paige stands and bounces in one spot on stage while switching up the melody a bit and swallowing some of the words because there are a million words in each phrase. Randy liked, but didn’t love it and wants to hear more of her voice and less overt style. Ellen loved it outright though and appreciates that Paige had a good time on stage. Kara tries to make this all about her because of some dip she used to date and still has issues about. I don’t care. Simon’s sentiments are in line with Randy, and he feels her voice and talent are getting lost in the kind of restless songs she’s choosing. Paige smiles some more in response, and I wish she and Haeley weren’t on the same season.
Closing the show is Ryan’s match in spritefulness, this season’s geekbait Siobhan Magnus. She shares stories and pictures of her self-inflicted mohawk before going through one of the world’s most annoying vocalises, the one that involves vibrating your lips while doing scales. Lord, I hate that. Give me “My mommy made me mash my M&Ms” any day. Last week Siobhan got pretty solid approval for her “Wicked Game,” but everyone urged her to do something more bombastic, and so here she is this week with “Think.”
I really like Siobhan, but she is forcing me to pull out American Idol pat criticism number 6: The song was just too big for her. She looks lost throughout, and she is clearly straining on all the power notes, especially the one at the end. Of course, that never hurt Adam Lambert, so it’s no surprise the judges are all over it. Each and every one of them bar Simon raves about her range and high note hitting capability, and even Simon liked it, although he again calls her strange. I’m not sure if he means that complimentarily or pejoratively, but I guess it doesn’t matter. In her chat with Ryan Siobhan expresses excitement over the opportunity to come out on stage and belt big notes like that; she says she learned by practicing to Kelly Clarkson in the shower. My sympathies to her family. Oh, that was mean. Sorry Siobhan, love ya like a sista anyway!
Okay, so the night is over, and again I reiterate that although most of the ladies were better than all of the gentlemen, not enough of them were really first-class. I don’t think Ryan has had call once this season to spout his usual line about “the most talented group ever,” and doesn’t that say it all? Even as the performance recap plays I can only count three whose performances were exceptional. And I have forgotten Katie Stevens and Michelle Delamor were on the show, let alone remembering what they sang. I wonder who is going to make it through to the Top 12. At this point I can’t even fill out a Top 5. But I did call myself an optimist earlier, so I guess I’ll just put on a happy face and see what happens next Thursday when the Top 12 is finally revealed. Stay tuned here, because my partner MsFroggy is on deck to tell you which two boys and which two girls won’t get the chance to redeem themselves and this season next week. I’ll be back for Tuesday’s show, where most likely I shall have my day of reckoning with the boys. See you then!
I lied, and am not over it. But I admit the Haeley suggestion was just cruel and unnecessary.
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My favorite part of the part of the show I half paid attention to. 
