AI9 2/25 – Recap: Four For The Road

[MsFroggy]

We have seen their backstories of incredible, never before seen hardship, laboring wives and Playgirl-worthy naked chests. We have heard them sing. Now it's time to boot four of them back to where they came from. Two girls and two boys will be cut by the time you're done reading this recap, and to make sure everyone is properly anesthetized while the bloody surgery is taking place, Idol has brought in last year's winner, Kris Allen. In an apparent package deal, Allison Iraheta is the other guest of the night, giving us a double Season 8 punch.

Ryan, always a happy numbers man, announces that 24 million votes came in this week. After doing some quick math, I predict that the finale with rake in 125 million votes or approximately one vote for every three persons in the United States. Your mother will be voting, your dog will be voting and your second cousin on your mother's side will be voting. My number takes into account the capabilities of clever autovoting software, any possible AT&T shenanigans, Idol's irrational love for sky high nine digit numbers and the standard Idol claim of 25% increase over the previous season's numbers. Yes, I still remember a time when 24 million votes seemed like a lot. It will be the finale with the most votes recorded in the history of Idol voting. You heard it here first, folks!

Ryan says Simon was overly harsh on boys night but Simon just thinks he was honest. Ellen defends her love of bananas while saying the contestants need to step it up. Randy feels everyone's pain of how difficult this all is. Kara's husband is sitting in the audience, ostensibly, to stare his wife down in the likely event that she attempts to jump Casey later on in the show.

Scars that heal

What is the most anticipated part of every Idol elimination show? Why it's the group number, of course! The first song to receive the Idol group treatment this year is Estelle's American Boy, clearly pre-recorded and lipsynched despite the live band that can be seen playing in the background. Ooh, they're getting clever with the pretense, methinks.

First big hurdle over and we're off to hear some results. Dim the lights because Ryan takes his most secret duty very seriously! Ladies first. Siobhan, Haeley, Michelle and Katelyn are quickly declared safe leaving Katie and Janell standing in the back row. By rights, Katie Stevens' junior prom style, sacrilegious rendition of Feeling Good should send her packing but it's Janell Wheeler who gets voted off and gets to sing Heart's classic What about love very badly for the last time. Based on that performance, I'd say that was a fair boot, America. I'm shocked but my faith is far from restored in the Idol voting public. Sorry.

Now that some pain has been inflicted, last year's fourth place finisher Allison Iraheta is here to sing her new single called Scars and to show this year's crop of girl crooners how it's really done. She sounds gritty fabulous on this far from sweet ballad that she delivers with a seasoned edginess belying her 17 years. Hopefully, this year's girls are taking notes.

Not too Happy

After that short but sweet respite Ryan is back on with more of that serious business stuff. The whole front row are on their feet. Ryan quickly send Paige Myles to safety, followed by Lacey and Lilly Scott and Crystal Bowersox leaving Ashely Rodriguez and Didi Benami whom Ryan calls to stand on stage for maximum drama. As the standard awkward, creepy Idol decision making time music plays in the background, Ellen is asked to weigh in with some pep talk before Ryan finally reveals that Ashley bites the dust tonight. She sings her weak, off-key, breathy cover of Leona Lewis' Happy one more time and then she is off, back again into obscurity. Such is the fate of those who attempt a song their voice can't support. Moving on.

Hasta la vista!

The guys are up next but not before we're shown a strange bit of footage from rehearsal in which Tyler Grady took the stage wearing a bathrobe, boots and white socks. Clearly, this was critical information that AI did not want to withhold from the viewers. After the banter dies off, tension mounts as Ryan gets to the heart of the matter. The back row is up first and Big Mike, John Park, Aaron Kelly are all safe. Toddrick Hall is safe as well leaving Tim Urban and Joe Munoz in the bottom two of the top row. Ryan asks Kara to comment and she says that perhaps this is not the right pair out of that bunch. However, right or wrong, America has texted and called and Joe will not be seen again. He gives his last performance, thanks everyone because he is a nice polite guy and we're off to commercials. Idol needs to pay the bills after all.

Haiti... Just let it be?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we arrive to the highlight of the night which is Ryan's big announcement that Idol Gives Back is, well, back. Mark your calendars for April 21st because the show – lovingly brought to you by a slew of big corporate sponsors – is supposedly going to be one crazy ride filled with big names and powerful images that will move you to tears and will inspire you to donate money for whatever cause Idol decides to highlight. And that's an order, people!

To start off this marvelous endeavor to save humanity one Idol ratings point at a time, we have Kris Allen – last seen and heard from back in May of 2009 being showered with confetti – who has selflessly traveled to Haiti as part of a quickie photo op UN relief mission. His report is that the rainy season is coming and Haiti needs more help. To this end, Kris is here to sing Let It Be – really? Let it be? - with gut-wrenching images of Haiti in ruins and Kris strolling around a refugee camp, Kris moving rocks with his bare hands and Kris using a hose to fill buckets of water floating on a big screen behind his head. He will donate all the profits from the song's iTunes sales to Haiti, so get thee to iTunes and buy, buy, buy! For 24 hours all money goes to Haiti, after that the profits are split between various Idol Gives Back charities.

Next!

You better get the hell out of Dodge

With that out of the way, we're finally down to the last 8 minutes of show time with only one more elimination to go before the end of this recap. Yay! The guys in the front row are made to stand as the music of doom plays in the background. Casey James will be back to strip again, Jermaine Sellers is coming back too along with Lee Dewyze and Andrew Garcia. The last two standing are Tyler Grady and Alex Lambert. Ryan moves them to the middle of the stage where the verdict is quickly delivered and Tyler is dispatched back home. Aww! No more Jim Morrison imitations. That's a bummer but Simon called this one and Simon is rarely wrong. Except when he is, of course. We get a bit of bleep-out tape right after Alex is declared safe and I'd dearly love to tell you what was said but you'll just have to google that one.

Tyler thinks he didn't get enough constructive criticism during Hollywood week and what feedback came, came too late. Hmm, throwing it back to the judges now? Oh, well. A collective pimp package for the four eliminated contestants rolls on the big screen as Idol's new semi-finals goodbye song plays in the background. This inspirational gem is called, get this, Leave Right Now and is sung by somebody I've never heard of. Leave right now? Why not “Drop dead you pathetic loser” or “There's the door, man, use it!”? Might as well... Certainly, nobody will ever accuse Idol of being overly sentimental about the dearly departed.

Tyler does American Woman as the credits roll and I'm sure there will be people who will call this a shocking elimination, but let's be real: This is how Middle America likes to crumble the cookie. I would think we all know that by now. Keep voting for your favorites people! We've got weeks and months to go before you all get the privilege of voting against somebody. As for myself... that ship has sailed long ago.

Got a better boot song idea? PM it to me and I'll send you back a cookie.