AI9 2/24- Recap: Back To The Default

[MsFroggy]

Since girls night on Idol looked mostly like a callback audition for a village talent show filled with second rate Adele and Duffy impersonators my already low expectations for boys night have been drastically reduced. We're now talking sub-basement here, people! If the guys can breathe in and out and stay reasonably in tune this should be a tolerable night. I urge everyone to embrace the concept of non-existent expectations. Trust me, it will make watching this season so much more bearable because the odds of this tepid group of 24 bringing you any spine-tingling Lambert-like moments continue to be nil. There, I just made your life simpler.

Caught in a rap

After a quick intro of the guys, whose names I won't properly remember for at least another 4 weeks or so, and a show of hands from the judges, we're off and running because this is a two hour monster show and time is advertiser-supported money. Randy wants them to be true to themselves, Kara advises them to let go of nerves, Ellen gets technical saying that the TV mix is rawer than the studio sound which makes bad singing sound worse at home and Simon sweetly states that one misstep tonight and their careers are toast. He might be badly in need of a chest waxing session and a few more buttons on his crisp white shirt but at least he's brutally honest.

With the bar set appropriately low, Toddrick Hall is offered up as the first sacrificial lamb of the night. While the starting slot will later become that time honored pimp spot we all love to hate, or hate to love depending on who is occupying it, for now, going first is still a painful endeavor. The contestants are nervous and know that one wrong note could send the viewers off to NBC searching for glimpses of Apolo Anton Ohno skating laps in tight tights and themselves back into voted-off-Idol-first obscurity. The judges are primed and ready to pounce on every little wrong and eager to show that they're serious about this judging business. The process still looks oh-so-innocent at this stage. Watch for the bloodbath to commence in earnest once we're down to the Top 10.

Toddrick, who you may remember as the dancer dude who wowed the judges with an original piece at the auditions – which as it turns out, he “wrote” in the shower - comes out rocking some stage performer confidence, wallet chains and a leather jacket. He trots out a jazzed-up and rapped-out version of Since You've Been Gone that gets points for originality if not for vocal excellence. In fact, there is so little singing that if this were the first time I heard Toddrick I'd be hard pressed to tell whether he could actually carry a tune. Ellen appreciated the creativity and his stage presence but not the so-so chorus. Randy didn't recognize the song, dawg, and thinks Toddrick buried his talent in that contrived arrangement. Kara agrees with Randy and says he should tone down the crazy next time and just bring it straight. Simon, ever eloquent and now in the enviable I've-got-nothing-to-lose position, tells Toddrick that he “murdered the original song”. Ouch! Toddrick is unfazed and says that the arrangement came straight from his head. As I said, points for creativity. Vote him through, America, I want to hear him put a rap spin on a Shania Twain song to keep me awake during country week!

Archuleta 2.0

If the girls had Katie Stevens, the female equivalent of David Archuleta and a sure contender for the votes of all seven tween boys who watch this show, then the boys have 16 year old Aaron Kelly who is part Chicken Little minus the specs, part Archie, part Justin Bieber's slightly older brother. He also looks scared to death as he should considering that his song choice is Rascal Flatt's Here Comes Goodbye. Not only is that a country song I had to google but it's got the word “goodbye” in the title; two things you don't want to put out there for America's consideration: A boring country song about lost love and potentially prophetic lyrics. At 16, this guy can barely have enough life experience to pull off the Barney theme song let alone the standard country lyrical repertoire of booze, heartbreak and chicks in pick-up trucks but Aaron shows that he means business by wearing the boy-next-door uniform of plaid shirt and jeans. What, no guitar? On the Disney Parade Float Suitability Scale of 1 to 10 he comes in at a respectable 7.5; not quite Archie level numbers but probably good enough for the next round.

The judges are not exactly enthused. Simon makes allowances for this being Aaron's first live show but thinks he's projecting nerves and embarrassment on stage. Kara gushes about natural talent and says Aaron will be getting better and better. Randy liked the voice and is a fan while Ellen thinks he'll stick around for a long time.

Get out of here

All you need to know about Jermaine Sellers is that he is not afraid to wear tails, a black rose boutonnière and a hat on Idol. Unfortunately, it is not a bowler hat so I can't make a Charlie Chaplin joke. So inconvenient! He is also a church singer who is doing all this Idol hoopla thing for his family. Of course. His bit tonight is that dusty Oleta Adams inspirational clunker called Get Here which he serves up with a dose of off-key screaming that would make Sanjaya proud. I can practically see the mohawk sprouting out from under his hat already. Ellen likes his look but didn't quite feel that song from him, especially not in the off parts. And there were many of those, Ellen. Randy wanted Ne Yo from him but got something old fashioned and flat instead. He also thinks Jermaine should have stuck to the melody. I'm sure he tried. Kara saw a show-off attempt that didn't amount to much. Simon trots out the piano-player-in-a-cocktail-bar analogy which is never a good thing and then piles on some more by saying that Jermaine screamed away his big opportunity.

Ryan tries to get a bit of a rebuttal from Ellen who says people will still vote for Jermaine while Simon still doesn't think so. And then things get weird when Ryan asks whether Jermaine and Michael ever made up and Jermaine says “Micheal, who?” before Michael walks on stage and they hug. Oops. First he throws the band under the bus in Hollywood week and then he forgets who Michael Orland is. Jermaine's future in showbiz: probably not so bright.

The plug-in

Boring ballad count so far: 3.

Will last minute replacement, Tim Urban dare to pick up the pace before I fall asleep? Judging by his wholesome, boy band wannabe look I'm not holding my breath. He is also the designated Coke cup pimp for tonight and the perfect chance for Seacrest to announce some Coke cup design contest that could win you tickets to see the show. Why would anybody want to see these anemic contestants in person is beyond me but to each his own. As you may remember, or not, Chris Golightly was booted off the show and will not be missed because how can you miss somebody with that hair? Tim is follicularly gifted as well but in a less Shirley Temple-tight-curls-on-crack kind of way.

As for Tim's great story it's all about how his big journey on Idol was almost interrupted forever... until it wasn't. A phone call from a producer and our shaggy haired Ken doll was in and free to pick a song to sing for America. And what a choice he made! Dude is one original cookie with One Republic's Apologize which has been done to death and killed by various former contestants in every way possible, most recently during last season. One listen to his wimpy, tortured falsetto and I'm not even going to apologize for fast forwarding through this one. Simon thinks they were right to keep him out of the Top 24 from the get go because his voice is weak and his performance skills even weaker. But he may get the pity vote, Simon opines. Kara says he was overshadowed by the music and she missed his guitar crutch. Randy thought he picked the wrong song that didn't work for him and Ellen agrees. She thinks he's cute but basically couldn't cut it on this song. But he's cute and girls will vote for him because he's cute. Will America vote for the cute but bad singer? I think we all know the answer to that.

Jorge 2.0

Remember Jorge Whatshisname from last season who got booted early on? He's back! Well, not exactly. He's got a doppelganger in Joe Munoz who is 20 and very wholesome looking. His Hollywood week was a so-so experience but he is determined to do good by singing Jason Mraz's You And I Both. Oh, joy, another weepy, bloodless ballad. We're up to four of those now. Joe tries to go all man-sensitive by wearing a scarf and sitting on a chair complete with standing up at a crucial moment during the song – hmm, where have we seen that maneuver before? - but then ruins it all by grinning like a fool through the whole song.

Ellen thought Joe was comfortable on the stage and sounded good. Randy didn't like the song choice but thought he worked it. Kara felt he was off in bits but vocally he did better than the previous guys which is not saying much but Grinning Joe is all smiles over that half-assed compliment. I think he'll take it. Simon goes off on a spiel about Idol looking for an international star and how Jose here just doesn't fit the bill because he is forgettable. Before we say goodbye to Jorge/Joe he has some words for his family in Mexico. My Spanish is very poor but I think he said “Ohmigod! They're going to vote me off, aren't they? Momma, help!”

Forward to the future past, or something...

Tyler Grady cannot travel back in time to the days when Jim Morrison was still alive but he can sure dress and sing like it's still 1969. Dubbed Tyler Morrison by Randy during Hollywood week, he has been thoroughly labeled and he plays into it to the max by singing American Woman, hoping that 70s nostalgia burns hotly enough in the hearts of tween girls with cellphones to put him through to the next round. He tries to mimic Jim but comes off more as Val Kilmer in “Doors” than the real deal. His attempt is as painful to watch as it is to hear.

Simon thinks Tyler will be remembered for being cheesy and unnatural, for having a stale style and a weak delivery. His advice? Change it, man! Kara imagines Jim Morrison posters up on Tyler's wall – can't you just see them too? - but says Tyler has front man type qualities of his own. Her advice? Get out of the shtick and move on to, say, “Phoenix 1901, this decade”. That's classic Kara “Studio 57” for you! Randy says the same thing because he's good at parroting while Ellen turns on the mean and tells Tyler he's got little charisma, no excitement and no authenticity.

Gokey 2.0

Getting a bit dizzy? Can't tell the boys apart? Don't worry, after Thursday night two of them will be history and this recap will be 1000 words shorter. Moving on.

What to say about Lee Dweyze from Chicago? Remember Gokey from last season? Well, Lee is your basic Gokey minus the disturbing eyewear fetish and the dead wife. However, he does have a goatee! He is also of the have-guitar-will-croon school of Idol contestants so expect lots of lite pop-rock type vanilla from him. Case in point is Lee's pick of Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars which he predictably grinds out with a Daughtry meets Cook meets Nickelback sensibility that should appeal to your average fake rock worshiping frat boy out there. The ones who listen to their mothers' radio stations, that is. But, I guess, he is pleasant enough in a flat, uninspired sort of way.

Ellen liked the song choice but didn't like the emo screaming quite as much, thereby completely missing the point of the whole Diet Coke rock genre. Randy disagrees with E and says the song wasn't as dope for him. He thinks of Lee as more of a “real” rocker with an edge, as opposed to a pop rocker, and compares him to David Cook who incidentally is a pop rocker. Randy prescribes Kings of Leon for Lee which, I admit, makes me whimper in fear. Kara didn't like the meager range of the song so her advice is for him to go after Bad Company but “attack that and strip it down”. Oy. Simon, who delights in being the odd man out, disagrees with the other three clowns and says Lee is authentic so he should imitate David Cook and do exactly what he did with his arrangements. Come back next week when a thoroughly confused Lee does a mashup of Sex On Fire, Ready For Love and Light On... and gets duly voted off.

Reasons, obscure, incomprehensible reasons

The only thing we know about John Park is that he is a college student from Illinois and he was briefly but memorably pimped during the Chicago auditions when Shania Twain complimented his every body part while twirling the string on her blouse like a blushing schoolgirl. John is flattered by that and offers up his hand in marriage to Shania if she'd only have him. I'll keep you posted on how that goes for him. While flirting through an AI pimping segment sounds cute and amusing, John's choice of God Bless the Child is much less so. Who knew the boy's tastes ran to weird, stuffy oldies delivered in a bizarre and muddy baritone? I certainly judged him by his 21 year old college boy cover and found him current and relatable. I may have been wrong although it pains me to admit it.

Simon thinks neither his delivery nor his voice were nearly good enough for the song. He feels the performance was flat and derivative. Kara heard loungey, sleepy and indulgent and can't really place him in today's music scene even though John has a good voice. Randy thought it was an old kind of song for him and Ellen agrees that young girls wouldn't vote for John based on that performance. So why did he pick the song? Ryan wants to know because Ryan is the big clarifier. John's muddy explanation for picking the song is that it means something to him because of his parents – quick camera shot of beaming parents in the audience - because of money and because the song is the whole reason he is currently on Idol. I took that to mean “none of your damn business, Ryan!”

Big, yet so small

If they gave out awards for the most shamelessly pushed contestants on Idol, Michael Lynche would probably get top honors. By now, I'm sure you've heard Michael's heroic story of coaching his wife through labor with the aid of his iPhone and AT&T while trying to compete in Hollywood, and if you haven't, don't worry, Idol will shove the story down your throat every chance it gets for the foreseeable future or until Big Mike is voted off. For now, he is riding the train like all the others but judging by his song choice that may be a shorter ride than I thought. His pick is Maroon 5's This Love and because Mikey is a big but sensitive man he adds a guitar to the mix. That always helps, doesn't it? No matter how small, breathy, strained or tortured one's vocals are it always pays to distract America from the horror by strumming three strings on a guitar or clomping away at a piano. That's practically an unwritten Idol law by now.

Ellen, who seems to be the designated first opinion giver this week, likes Mike's personality and even though he had pitch problems it doesn't matter because he has personality. Hey, I have pitch problems but can make up for that slight fault with plenty of personality! I think I'm going to audition for the 28+ version of American Idol right after I pitch that idea to Simon Fuller. I'll get right on that after I'm done with this recap. Dawg likes his persona too and liked that he brought some energy to the room. Kara says she'd be more picky with Baby Daddy if the quality had been better up till now but as it stands, he's aight. Simon says Mikey is opening act material and, in what I consider the best critique of the night, he says what Mike did was just “small”. I think that sums it up nicely.

Lamb to the slaughter

Alex Lambert is 19 years old and that's pretty much his story apart from his other obvious story and by that I mean his unfortunate Group Night experience with Mary Powers. Alex is confident and wants to show the world that he can perform. To this end, he picked to sing Wonderful World by James Morrison. The original song is boring and syrupy enough and Alex adds little to it although he has a pleasant, if not too original voice to work with. Simon felt his performance was uncomfortable and full of nerves. Kara and Randy both think he has a great tone but his voice is too similar to James Morrison's. Ellen likes him because she likes everybody and even compliments Alex for sticking to his guns and not getting rid of his mullet. Yes, that is now a valid critique on American Idol. She then goes on to say that Alex is like a not-quite-ripe banana that Ellen wishes she could eat. Okay then, Ellen.

It turns out that Alex has only performed a grand total of three times in front of crowds of twenty people in coffee shops and is therefore fresh off the turnip truck and terrified. Can't blame him but I can blame Idol for unfairly plucking someone like him before he was ripe enough for the big time. What now, Alex?

Stripped talent

Two more to go, hang in there!

John Park did it for Shania Twain and Casey James, 27, definitely does it for Kara. Should I recount the good times during Hollywood week when Casey stripped on command during his Denver audition? Maybe not. Casey is at once embarrassed and flattered by Kara's lusty fangirling over him but not embarrassed enough to pick an uptempo song. Boy is no fool! He chooses instead to deliver Bryan Adams' Heaven while sitting on a stool, looking all model-cute, perfectly coiffed and plucking away at his guitar like all sensitive pretty boys singers should. It doesn't hurt that Casey has the pretty but it helps more that he can do a perfectly good Bryan Adams imitation and has a nice smile. Did I mention he can sing and that I like his shirt? It's got this nice leafy, flowing pattern on the shoulders, very cool; kind of works with his perfectly fluffy blond locks. Oh, and his voice is nice!

Kara says she doesn't recognize him with his shirt on - but she loves her husband! - and even though Casey was pitchy in the chorus she felt it. Ellen felt it too, and by it she means Kara's excitement and thinks Casey is “going to get votes like crazy”. Well, duh! This is not a singing competition; we go by looks alone. Randy Dawg liked his voice, his swagger, his song and just likes him. Oh, but not in that way! Simon, who certainly can relate to Casey's pretty, liked the song choice, his sincerity and the fact that Kara the cougar is all atwitter over him. Cut to Kara sipping Coke from her cup through a straw. Hello! Whatever happened to the Vitamin Water bottles? Hmm. After this all-around love fest all that stands in the way of Casey's triumphant march towards an American Idol win is the fact that Idol wants a girl winner this time around. Maybe it's not too late for Casey to put on a dress. Just sayin'.

Gokey 3.0

Last but not least, we have Andrew Garcia, 24, whose main claim to fame so far is the fact that he is the son of gang members, or a former gang member himself, can't remember which, but it matters not. He is Lee Dweyze's most fierce competition in the Danny Gokey Idol Look-Alike Contest and I must say, Andrew beats Lee by a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and a pimp spot. Accessories and inspirational stories of overcoming impossible odds are crucial and Lee needs to work on those if he is to move forward in this competition.

Andrew is singing Fallout Boy's Sugar, we're going down while plucking away at an acoustic guitar and does a decent job of flattening the original. While saying that Andrew is good, Simon was let down by such a serious, indulgent and unoriginal performance from him. Kara thinks it was a strange risk to play the song acoustically but missed his Straight Up performance from Hollywood week. Randy concurs with Simon and Kara. The arrangement didn't please him, he thought it strange and too try-hard. Ellen feels his Hollywood week bit will carry him over but agrees that the serious needs to go and be replaced by Andrew the sensitive, emotional guy.

With that, we conclude tonight's lengthy guitar and emo ballad filled festivities that signaled a return to Idol's tried and true default of backstory driven mediocrity. But do not despair! Tomorrow is another day and it promises to be a doozy. Not only will two girls and two boys bite the dust but there will be guest performers from previous seasons and who knows what else. If it sounds like a promising cheese-fest that's because it probably will be. MotherSister will pick up the baton next week when we come back and do this thing all over again.

Which Gokey version was your favorite? Could you tell them apart with your eyes closed? PM me with the answer to win a pair of thick-rimmed glasses specially autographed by yours truly.