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Idol has so far done what it does best, delivering the usual stadiums full of tone deaf attention whores, marginally talented wannabes, deluded mental cases while shamelessly exploiting diseases-of-the-week and assorted other personal issues in the sacred name of ratings. And it all led up to this week when the judges are finally ready to cut the fat. It is going to be a no-instruments barred croon-fest and a sob-till-you-drop drama ride of Idol proportions, the kind we've all seen before and grown to love-hate. By the end of this recap you will finally know the names of all Top 24 contestants unless the show runs out of time or I get tired of typing out contestants' names, whichever comes first.
At the start of the day in Hollywood, all 71 survivors of last week's Group Week purgatory are ready to face their futures and sing a do-or-die song for the judges with a live band behind them – and whatever instrument crutch they can scare up - for the fist time. The story is told in artsy flashbacks, so fast forward to the end of the day, to the time after the judges have made their selections and their verdict is about to be delivered. The scene is familiar: contestants are divided into three groups and made to await their fates in separate holding rooms. Feel free to play our annual Guess The Loser Room game.
A tale of three rooms
Room #1 holds, among others, Casey James, Tim Urban, Tyler Grady, Andrew Garcia and Toddrick Hall and with them there, it could go either way while Room #2 with names like Kia Johnson, Mary Powers, Hope Johnson, Boyd Thomas and Christian Spear looks a bit less like a winner line-up. Finally, the Room #3 has Shelby Dressel, Haley Vaughn, Jessica Furney, Angela Martin and Maddie Penrose. Hmm.
Earlier in the day Angela Martin got some approving nods – but no other feedback as usual for this round - as she sang Estelle's “American Boy” but ruined the moment as she tearfully confessed to the camera right after that she “went through soooo much!!” to get here. It's your typical I'm-so-freakin'-special-because-insert-tearful-story-here approach that I particularly despise. I say cut everyone who thinks they've somehow conquered superhuman odds to make it to Hollywood. The world can do without them.
Remember Casey James, pony tailed, blond country boy who made it to Hollywood after taking his shirt off at the auditions? He survived Group Week but now must prove his mettle by himself. Not to worry, Casey has a prop! He strums his guitar while singing “Bubbly” which he thinks is a gutsy choice because nobody is singing that song. There was a reason for that, Casey! However, I can't seriously pick at him since he looks Abercrombie handsome and already sounds vocally cleaner and more interesting that last year's winner. Which in the real world is a good thing but on AI it could go either way. His buddy, Jermaine Purifoy busted out “Brickhouse” for his solo bit, a song that nobody in their right mind wants to hear covered at any time but he made the judges smile so that must count for something. Right? While Casey and Jermaine sailed through Group Week together, they're in different rooms. Jermaine is behind door #2.
Have marginal guitar skills but, hey, I saw Season 8!
I'm sure you're all ready for me to tell you who made it through, but AI and Seacrest have other plans. As I noted before, we're getting flashbacks as if producers were suddenly aiming for an Emmy in creative editing. Jermaine Sellers, occupant of Room #1, had a rocky week but came back swinging with “Man In the Mirror” for his final piece in front of the judges. Until he started dissing the AI band, that is, accusing them of messing up the ending to his song. The judges are not pleased with his bitching and Jermaine needs to learn a crucial lesson here: Do not, under any circumstances, be a jerk during Hollywood round to the very people who are supposed to help you if you make it to the Top 24.
Jermaine's other room buddy, Siobhan Magnus, 19, went from looking like a Victorian virgin to rocking some odd combination look of Bruce Springsteen circa “Dancing In The Dark” and Pocahontas' slutty country cousin dressed in a pink ruffled nightgown under a sleeveless jeans jacket, all because Ellen suggested she needed to loosen up. Whether this helped her belt it out better in her final audition I can't tell since, frankly, all previous weeks are now a messy blur in my head.
I do vaguely remember Crystal Bowersox but only because of her last name. I'm trying to imagine it in lights or on the cover of a CD and failing miserably. Who wants to bet she's losing the “sox” if she makes it to Top10? But before she can become a little more cool, she'll have to sing, strum and harmonica play her way through a straight forward cover of “If it makes you happy”. While the interpretation is middle-of-the-road, her voice is lite-rock on the rocks. Think Daughtry's dreadlocked girl cousin from the farm. She's certainly, one slight notch above the average which up to Season 8 was the most I could expect from this show. Now, it's just not good enough anymore but that's a whole other discussion.
While Crystal was knee deep in instruments, Alex Lambert, not to be confused with Adam Lambert – I'll be saying that every time till he's eliminated – had trouble dealing with the tiny ukulele and his uninspiring, off-key Jason Mraz cover of “I'm yours”, which he's been playing since his first audition. Big Mike, whose wife's dilating cervix became one of those AI backstories I want to erase from my brain but can't, took on the same dull song and managed to make it even duller while strumming a guitar. Toddrick Hall has the same brilliant idea and a full buffet of riffs and stylistic turns to sink into one of the most boring songs ever recorded. At least he didn't have apropguitar so bonus points go to Toddrick there.
The sob train
It seems there are some contestants whose main claim to Idol fame will always be not their talent but rather some gag worthy personal sob story. Last season, Gokey managed to hit the jackpot with his “inspirational” story about his dead wife - soon to be a Lifetime reality show peeps; I wish I was joking... - while this season we have Thaddeus Johnson's screaming momma. I prefer her, although on a 1 to 10 annoyance scale this story is a solid 15 already with momma being shown screaming at every turn. She is even present for his big, screaming “Man In The Mirror” performance in front of the judges. Never mind that we've never seen any family members trolling Hollywood week before. Or have we? Can't remember. However, Momma is sure her Thaddeus is a shoo-in. Of course.
Less sure are the contestants themselves. A montage of mournful music, worried faces and dramatic voiceovers in the best tradition of AI pre-Top 24 hoopla rolls as I roll my eyes. Seacrest says lives will change in the next bit so I'm fast forwarding through the commercial break although this stuff about fat free yogurt is vastly more interesting than some of the show so far. Charity Vance is just one of the many in Room #2 worried sick about her fate. Blond and apple pie as can be, she delivered a shaky final peformance while Tasha Leighton – pastor chick whom I vaguely remember from the auditions – trotted out her guitar, natch, and some more of that easy listening vanilla crooner style that everyone seems to imitate these days. There is just no excuse in my book to be John Meyer version #237 and counting whether you're male or female.
Room service
Sitting pretty in Room #2, Mary Powers, the wicked bitch of group night, is confident about her spot in the Top 24 based on her belief in her own magnificence. Her version of Katy Perry's “Hot 'n Cold” is about as hot as the Antarctic in June but her attitude is one of cold overconfidence. If only she knew that Simon found her interesting mainly because “she's older”. Ouch!
My unabashed hatred of tragic real or fake sob stories knows no bounds. I refuse to take anyone seriously who claims to be there because they want to: 1) better the lives of their family, 2) become stars because *insert horrible event in their past here*, 3) honor a dead family member/pet/friend/distant acquaintance, or 4) pretty much any reason other than because they can sing. All other considerations are really and truly invalid on a singing show. Of course an argument could be made that AI is not really a singing show. How else to explain either Taylor Hicks or Kris Allen? Moving on.
Take for example, big Succexy who needs a good kick in the ass just for that moronic stage name, but who really needs an even bigger kick for trying to two-time the audience by squeezing out a few tears and saying that he is doing all this for his family. Cry me a river! His Ruben Studdard rip-off act while singing “Man In The Mirror” following that spectacularly irritating fake tear drama left me simply stone cold and wishing for a big mallet to smack him with. If only I could reach through my screen.
Scott Walker, Trisha Holland and Jermaine Purifoy, who have all been pimped nicely, are shown sitting worried in Room #2 after turning in passable performances in front of the judges. “Emotionally fragile” Hope Johnson from Dallas, survivor of extreme poverty, belted out a so-so cover of Daughtry's “Home” and is worried as well. Cue more voiceovers and anxious faces. Frankly, I'm running out of patience.
Luckily, there are only three rooms and #3 is filled with grim faces too. Of course. It contains the likes of Shelby Dressel and Didi Benami, Angela Martin and a bunch of others I am too lazy to list. Shelby messed up her lyrics to “More Than a Feeling” in rehearsal but managed to keep it cool for the big show in front of the judges. Aaron Kelly, owner of some tragic family adoption story you don't want to know about, is also in the same forget-the-lyrics-but-make-a-comeback club. Ashley Rodriguez did well with a karaoke “Battlefield”. Lee Dewyze, Joe Munoz, Haeley Vaughn, wannabe country chick, and Janell Wheeler, are all in the same room as well.
Culling the herd
One of the best things about Hollywood week has always been the big showy by-the-roomful crushing of contestant's dreams, not because of AI's obvious delight in the proceedings but because of the absolutely ridiculous presentation they always make of it. Seacrest, like the undertaker in a bad funeral parlor themed Disney ride, is always there to officiate at this grim ritual and I'm always equally anxious to fast forward to the next bit but can never quite turn away from the train wreck. Which pretty much sums up why AI's ratings are nice and fat during this phase of the show. People just love a good bloodbath.
Room #1 gets their verdict right off the bat with Ellen doing the honors for the first time. They're all through, of course, because that's how suspense works. Katie Stevens and Tyler Grady are in this room and they're elated to advance. Simon delivers the bad news to Room #2 prompting instant crying fits and dejected looks. And just like that, we're rid of Mary Powers. While the other contestants may be crying now, deep down they had to know that whatever room she was in, wasn't going to make it. Anticlimactically, Room #3, filled mostly with girls from the looks of it, is through to the do-or-die round of the final Top 24 cut.
The stage is set
Believe it or not, there's another hour's worth of show time left. With the judges' veto power soon coming to an end, the last 46 contestants will be whittled down to 24 – 12 girls and 12 boys - after which it will be up toteenagers and churches with power voting softwareAmerica to do the picking. Last season, this last step took place in a posh Beverly Hills villa but it looks like AI is on a budget this time around as the action stays in the Kodak to the very end. And a lengthy action it will be.
A new day starts in Hollywood and the last 46 are back to meet their fates. Inexplicably, I see people coming in with their guitars even though they won't be singing or playing today. Seacrest says this is the most important day in these contestant's lives. Ahh, always good to hear that you kid's birth or the day you graduated college or got married is trumped by the day you got cut from the Top 24 on Hollywood week!
By now we're all familiar with the setup: a holding room somewhere in the building, a long walk down the entire length of, in this case, the Kodak theater, one last minute spent in front of the judges while they do their evil best to keep a poker face before their drop the anvil on the unfortunate or deliver the happy news to the lucky few.
Battle of the weepers-of-the-week
Michael Lynch – or Big Mike the baby daddy – gets to go first. His pimp package rolls on the big screen behind the judges as they ease their way into delivering the first “yes” of the season. Simon says it was an unanimous decision tomilk his wife's birth story some moregive him a chance. Big Mike gives out some bone crushing hugs to the judges who are probably happy that in future episodes there will be no more opportunities for close personal contact with the contestants.
He is followed by Didi Benami, who sucked up to Kara with her own song earlier in the week. She is also the one with the dead best friend story, a completely new angle on Idol. Now you can have a pimp package even if you are not ill, your family is not ill and you have had no tragic deaths in the family. I wonder whether the unfortunate drowning death of your next door neighbor's third cousin twice removed on his father's side could count as a hardship story that AI could exploit... In the end, Didi advances to the Top 24 because no good sob story is allowed to go to waste on this show.
Next passenger on the made-up tragedy train is Kaitlyn Epperley who broke new ground with the story of her parents' divorce which is apparently now a genuine reason to want to become a pop star. Good one! And who would have thought it would work? But it did and she is in. We can now look forward to many more gut-wrenching segments of a family in emotional pain brought together by karaoke nights on American Idol.
Ask and ye shall see what that gets you
Three down, lots to go. Shelby Dressel says she deserves a spot but the judges don't think so and she's off the show. Randy tells her to come back next year and Simon thinks they made the wrong decision. He can be so funny at times! Now that we've had our first rejection of the day, the floodgates open and many of the people you've barely had a chance to see will be eventually be sent back to obscurity.
However, shirtless Abercrombie wonder, and Kara's pet, Casey James, is staying. Will he deliver the first ever Chippendale infused American Idol performance? Here's hoping that Idol will be smart enough to bring us a Vegas week this season. Just sayin'. To make sure that that the cute boy quota is being thoroughly met, 16 year old Aaron Kelly, who could be the next recipient of the David Archuleta tween girls' dreamboat award, is also put through. Covering a wide range of the female demo: smart!
Lee Dwayze from Chicago, who sounds like Gokey minus the obnoxious eyewear and the dead wife exploitation act, also makes it through along with early favorite Toddrick Hall who gets the quickest yes in the history of Idol.
Dropped during Hollywood week back in Season 8, Jessica Furney came back to prove that she could do it but when Randy gives her the bad news she resorts to some embarrassing begging, telling the judges that she has a lot to offer, there is a lot she can do. Things become uncomfortable as she keeps pleading her case over and over and eventually ends up arguing with the judges. Simon, fed up, categorically tells her that it's the end of the road for her. Will she be back next season? Is my name MsFroggy?
So, yeah. AI took two whole hours to serve up the names of a grand total of 7 Top 24 finishers. Seacrest chimes in to say that the other 17 will be revealed on Wednesday's show and I couldn't be happier for MotherSister who will now get her turn to come up with take-em-or-leave-em jokes. Seacrest promises some shocking eliminations too! Always a crowd pleaser, that. See us back here next week when the fun voting season starts and America finally gets another chance to royally screw things up.
Some names in this recap have been misspelled on purpose to protect the innocent.
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