AI9 2/17 Recap: Twenty-twenty-twenty Four Singers to Go

[MotherSister]

I mourn you, Jermaine Purifory, aka Jermaine II. You and your awesome last name will be missed terribly as Idol gears up for Stupefyingly Nonsenical Themes + Power Text Messaging mode. See also: Tasha Layton. I now hang all my hopes for the season on Crystal Bowersox. Don’t worry, I’m sure her shoulders can take it; my hopes are not at all heavy or numerous.

Okay, so. On Tuesday we met the first seven of our Top 24, and tonight, Ryan promises with just a hint of pleading in his voice, we are going to meet and be delighted by the final 17, after they survive the final test of the merciless joust endless patience. After more than a month of ridiculous get-ups, humiliation, tragic yet uplifting stories of overcoming, and also sometimes good singing, ladies and gentlemen, The Chairs.

Little Acorns/Mighty Oaks

There are 37 young people full of hope waiting to fill only 17 slots, so it makes sense that they all look twitchy and sad in various ways that reflect their various personalities. Janell Wheeler looks twitchy and sad like a girl who got banned from the cool kids lunch table as she talks about this being her particular chance, and her particular time to be awesome. We revisit bleached-out footage of her mediocre audition, her very catchy cover of “American Boy” at the start of Hollywood, and then various failures as the week went on, until you understand that Janell has no idea where she stands, as her ground is so wildly inconsistent.

Sitting in her chair in front of the tribunal, Janell is all quivery tension, and she’s gripping the armrests like they’re going to disappear. Ellen, who has unfortunately become our designated faker-outer of the season, begins rambling on about good voices and how hard it is to reject people with good voices before telling Janell that she and her good voice are members of the Top 24. “Yay,” Janell says very timidly, as she gangles her way out of the auditorium. She probably collapsed as soon as she was out of camera range.

Tyler the Tree Climber Grady sang Daughtry’s “Home” at his final Hollywood bow, but assured the judges that he had no intention of going back to canoodle with his tree friends. Unless they’re palm trees, ‘cause he’s staying in Hollywood, baby. Kara and he share a very boring interview about how he rubs 1970s grime all over himself and dabs his hair with 60s pomade each and every morning in tribute to all of his idols, before giving him the good news. Tyler seems pleased in that laid-back way that says maybe he would rather be talking to a tree after all, but he presses on out of the auditorium and fakes out Ryan and rest of the waiting room with a somber face before breaking into a smile and sharing his triumph.

The Rise of the Alterna-Girls

Kool Aid haired Lacey Brown has of course been through all of this before, and probably still has nightmares featuring ravens and crows alongside her defeat by Megan Joy Cawkrey in last season’s Chairs. As she strolls into the auditorium, wiser, a sound bite plays of her speaking in chestnuts about never taking no for a final answer and turning Nos into Yeses. This will go well. Simon asks if she thinks they made the right decision in cutting her last year, and Lacey says something that appropriately kowtows to the panel’s judgment and overall omniscience. After toying with her emotions a bit, Simon finally lets her in, and Lacey flies out of the auditorium and into the sun, while her own moody Hollywood Week cover of “Wonderful World” plays.

Also successful, but much too boring and/or sane to spend any time on: Ashley Rodriguez, Alex Lambert, and the as yet unheard of Joe Munoz. I think this lack of attention means they are our top three.

Now let us check in on The People’s Champion Crystal Bowersox, whose coffee grounds-like voice and tranquil persona have already granted her a respectable swath of fandom, despite her white girl dreads. Also there’s a guitar in the mix which is like the key to the kingdom this season, so it’s not even suspenseful when she sits down. Simon can barely keep up the act, so he doesn’t, and then Crystal looks genuinely happy, and somehow her baby is suddenly there looking clueless and sleepy. I like how he couldn’t care less.

Impossible Dreams

They keep flashing to Thaddeus Johnson in the waiting room getting more and more anxious, so I don’t think it’s going to be good for him. But, for now we deal with yet another shoo-in; Katie Stevens, the young girl who offered up her Alzheimer’s afflicted grandmother on a platter for your and my emotions to dine lustily on. She, and the ubiquitous flower in her hair and teeth in her smile are so through to the Top 24 it isn’t even funny. I don’t know why they’re front-loading the good verdicts tonight, but this is getting a bit dull. Where is the tension? The suspense? Are we supposed to be getting it from the extended hug Katie shares with fate-as-yet-undetermined Haeley Vaughn? Because I’m not getting it from that.

Oh, well. Ryan must have known this was the moment to break the happy monotony, as we now get our first train of rejects, including but not limited to Hipster Glasses Girl, J.B. Ahfua, the one girl who flew in from Florence to audition, and two other guys whose names and identifying characteristics I do not know, and are not even flashed across the screen. Sucks to their asmars.

It’s too much to hope for his show that they would follow this superficial train of sad times with anything but a deeper and lengthier melancholic episode, so it kind of sucks to see Angela Martin now walking into the auditorium and up on stage with tears already in her eyes. This is her third time auditioning, Ryan reminds us, and that’s just too many times to be rejected by something as stupid as this. They play a reel of her speaking very candidly and vulnerably to the camera about all of the terrible and wonderful things that have happened to her while trying to make it onto this show, and then in the auditorium they go through a lot of rigmarole about how great Angela is before telling her it is yet again a no. Okay, honestly? I fast-forwarded through this, and this entire paragraph is full of inferences on my part. I’m pretty sure this is exactly what happened though. And also, I did catch Kara coming to sit on Angela’s lap before delivering the bad news. Why is she like that?

Luckily for me I don’t have to think on that depressing question for long, as there is a Glee promo on during this commercial break featuring selections by the Beatles and Madonna, and there is no more sadness in the world.

Gray-vy Train

Purposefully gray-haired Lilly Scott is next to learn her fate. She and her guitar and unending supply of quirky accessories had a good Hollywood run until it came time to kick it with the live band. The pianist hollered at her in rehearsal because she kept singing all over his intro, and so she whiffed the song in front of the judges. Except the footage they play of her whiffing is not bad at all. And Kara is grinning at her like an idiot and saying stuff like “unique” and “true to yourself,” which in Kara speak means “I can sell a ton of you to a million dumb twelve year olds with Kool Aid in their hair.” So Lilly is in with not much hassle or suspense at all, and Lilly is very happy and promises not to let anyone down. Good, Lil. Those twelve year olds are depending on you. Taylor Swift can’t last forever. Can she?

Joining Lilly in a montage of joy are a charmingly disbelieving Paige Myles, Siobhan Magnus, Michelle Delamor, Jermaine Sellers (I miss you, Purifory!), and the elusive John Park. Hooray for them all.

Four is a Crowd

If you have been counting off at home, then you must know that now we are down to the final two open spots – one for a boy, and one for a girl. Interestingly enough, they are both painted yellow. But, instead of the awkward stand-off of the final two chairs together, or even the crowning humiliation of sing-offs like last year, the last two representatives of either gender get to receive their news in private – just the judges, me, you, and 30 million people watching. For the XXs, it comes down to aspiring country sweetheart Haeley Vaughn and aspiring A.J. Langer stand-in Tori Kelly. There is no question who the victor will be, but because they’re not in together, the girls don’t know that. And so Haeley looks genuinely afraid as Simon tells her sometimes she’s engaging, sometimes she’s flat as a pancake, and sometimes she’s just sharp as a tack, and very few people want to hear that except Taylor Swift fans. And Tori looks genuinely hopeful as Randy asks her to evaluate her performances, and we flash back to her slightly screechy ska jam session with the band on that horrible “Hot and Cold” song.

Anyway, to rip off the bandage in a way this show will never manage: Haeley in, Tori out. I have a feeling my spell checker is going to be wrestling with Haeley’s name all season long. We’ll see.

Our final two gentlemen are also a match completely without suspense: 16 year old Thaddeus Johnson, and son of former gang members who now live in the suburbs/young father Andrew Garcia. While Andrew has gone from strength to strength during Hollywood – fitting snugly into that guitar guy box and making actual music out of a Paula Abdul song – Thaddeus had a bit of a rougher road, as evidenced by the band queuing up the wrong song to play at his final Hollywood performance. Although, how that is Thaddeus’s fault is a mystery to me. Kara takes that opportunity of being a big toolbag and becomes insulted by Thaddeus’s correcting the band and not wanting to sing “Bubbly,” as if he should’ve just sung whatever the band played, regardless of not practicing it, and perhaps not knowing it. Yeah. I keep dwelling on the awful things she does only because I really don’t understand how she is like this, and somehow I think maybe cataloguing her grossness will help. Maybe not. The world probably doesn’t need a Kara DioGuardi ethnography.

Anyway, once again, this is awful; Thaddeus is all bright-eyed in his chair, feeling like his final go at “Man in the Mirror” was a knockout, but, as Simon bluntly explains, it was not enough to get him into the Top 24. When he begins to cry, it’s the first (and probably the last) time I feel legitimate sadness all season. Simon and Randy try to soothe him by assuring him that he didn’t do anything wrong, but that only seems to make Thaddeus feel worse, as only makes sense, because it is terrible to hear at such a young age that even if you do everything right, you are still not guaranteed to win out because life really is beyond your control. People as young as Thaddeus are usually told the opposite, and it’s usually good for them. So I am sad for him. He shakes the judges’ hands, and he and his mother cry together as the boom guy, the light guy, and the cameraman trail them to a bathroom stall to close out Thaddeus’s Season 9 tenure with as much dignity as possible.

Meanwhile, Andrew Garcia is on stage getting the good news from Ellen, and he is so happy he can barely turn his mouth into a smile as all the tears are flowing. He calls his parents and sends kisses to his son in between all of his hiccups and emotions, and … slow fade to black, and victory.

For Your Consideration

So. All the qualifying rounds are over, and now Season 9 really begins. While I will miss seeing Kris Allen’s face on those big preliminary posters, in general I could not be happier. As Captain Planet would say, now the power is yours! Only you do not get a ring. For your edification, here is the definitive list of twelve men and women whose lives you will be controlling for the next three months, if not longer, accompanied by your annual Dork Dancing segment:

Batting for the ladies are Didi Benami raising the roof sideways; Paige Myles doing the Roger Rabbit, Lacey Brown voguing, Ashley Rodriguez pointing at nothing (she’s going to be a star come group sing time), Katelyn Epperly skipping like Bananarama, Michelle Delamor doing Hairography, Katie Stevens looking lost, Haeley Vaughn doing some kind of lasso move, Siobhan Magnus giving her best Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, Janell Wheeler toprocking, Lilly Scott looking like an idiot, and Crystal Bowersox posing like a b-girl.

And now for the gentelemen – Todrick Hall winding it up, Tyler Grady impersonating David Cassidy, Aaron Kelley looking a lot like a 16 year old boy at a dance, which is to say, so stiff he’s almost not moving at all, the elusive John Park with the classic step-touch, Andrew Garcia looking soulful, Lee Dewyze looking dorky, Joe Munoz looking like someone I’ve never seen before, Tim Urban, breakin’ like urban kids do, Big Mike Lynche swerving, Casey James wiggling, Alex Lambert looking most lost of all, and finally Jermaine Sellers wining like they do in the islands.

Good luck to them all. It’s Ladies First this year, so be sure to tune in next week to hear your Top 12 girls go live. MsFroggy will be back to wrangle the men on Wednesday, and then we’ll finally get down to the whole point of picking these 24 kids: watching them all go home. See you here next week!

Anybody got a suitable Bowersox fan name? All I can think of is Crystal’s Balls, but I don’t think that’s going to catch on.

[realitygirl523]

i hope that the girls really do well this year cause there is alot of talent more from the girl side then the guys side i have already my favorites who im going to vote for and i wonder what they are goin to sing in their first week as a top 24 people and im glad there isnt wild cards and all that cause it drove me nuts last yr

[waywyrd]

I keep dwelling on the awful things she does only because I really don’t understand how she is like this, and somehow I think maybe cataloguing her grossness will help. Maybe not. The world probably doesn’t need a Kara DioGuardi ethnography.

Loved the recap, MS!