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Now that we've finally left the pain of those ridiculous audition episodes behind us and the AI train has come to a hopefully not-too-screeching halt in El Lay, for most of the contestants, things are going to go from bad to worse. If any of them thought that making it to Hollywood was half the battle, Group Day should set them straight. When their luck is only as good as their lazy group partner's non-existent work ethic or a bad song choice and they still have to contend with people who were put through for looks, drama or to satisfy AI's perverse love for the occasional cruel joke, things are going to get hairy. Let's see just how hairy.
It seems the first two days of Hollywood Week were quite fruitful and 85 people were given the boot still leaving 96 to sift through today. I'd like to tell you that all those cut deserved to be cut for having some cheesy sob story or average talent but we all know by now that that is never the case. In fact, I'll be so bold as to predict that this year's winner will have either one of those things or maybe both. And if there's a photogenic girl with so-so talent and a decent sob story in this bunch, well then, I think we've got a winner!
I apologize for all misspelled names in this recap. I won't really start paying attention to these people will there are about 12 of them although last season I didn't learn to spell the eventual winner's name till the final five.
Stupid human name tricks
From the looks of it, selecting group partners is less science, more navigating a sea full of people who want to see you eliminated. “The Dreamers” - yes, for some reason I can't fathom, the groups all have cheesy names – go from three to five members and the only thing you really need to know about them is that Alex Lambert is one of them. Not to be confused with Adam Lambert although I don't think anyone would once Alex here opens his mouth. Is it too late for the poor boy to change his last name?
“The Mighty Rangers” will not defend public safety but will cheerfully endanger your hearing given half a chance. All of them got their golden tickets in Denver and that guy who looks like Gokey's long lost twin crossed with Rupert from Survivor is among them. They are a bit rudderless, admitting to having not the first clue about what they're doing which is quite honest and pretty much par for the course.
Group “Phoenix” - winner of the most unoriginal name award – boasts Moorea Moso who made it to Hollywood last season and had the distinction of singing in Gokey's group. She is now back with a much shorter, choppier and more colorful hairdo. Fueled by the lovely memory or her time with the Gokey group and the success of that performance, she persuades her group mates to practice their song in the same spot – a closet - where she practiced last year thinking that idea a “stroke of genius”. I can practically see her walking out the building in tears right now.
Romance from hell
By midnight, we have the typical Hollywood week scene of some contestants rehearsing their little hearts out and some, like “The Dreamers”, adrift and hampered by drama. Two of their members are MIA so the others are looking to boot them and steer the ship as a trio. They go so far as to consult a producer. Drama! Dun dun dun! Others, like Page Miles and Thaddeus Johnson float about looking for group mates and a rehearsal space. They're known by the name “Neopolitan” and they're prepping “Bad Romance” which should be interesting. I've seen way too many horrible Youtube “tribute” videos to this awesome song not to quake in fear at the words “cover” and “Bad Romance” in the same sentence.
You've all heard of Destiny's Child and now comes “Destiny's Wild” which is wild alright but I have a feeling it won't produce another Kelly Rowland, never mind Beyonce. They're seeking their Top 24 ticket with the same Lady Gaga cover as “Neopolitan” and throwing all the lung and psych-out power they can muster behind it. Should they be allowed to scream “Bad Romance” louder than the other group? Should anyone be allowed to bastardize a current mega hit and not be eliminated? By Gaga, that's a tough one...
“Phoenix”, or as I like to call them, the “Closet People” are still at it as well with Moorea's arrangement inspiring annoyance and doubt in the other illustrious members of the group. She wants harmonies, they don't. Yup. This is a potentially closet-breaking argument but with the “Dreamers” still dreaming about making it with two dead-weight members, their closet drama seems trivial. And I have now officially sunk to hearing Seacrest's voice in my head as I write and starting to sound just as trite as he does. Moving on before I apply for a job as Seacrest's cue card writer.
The night is still young at 2:30 am. Group “Awesome” made up of maybe-not-quite-intentional Ruben Studdard impersonator Big Mike and some others whose names I can't be bothered to list are an all boy outfit. They got their song down and are back in their rooms giving AI ample opportunity to bring you the night's first emotional segment as Big Mike talks to his pregnant wife on his iPhone. Sniff, sniff! I'm almost moved to switch from T-Mobile to AT&T and get myself an iPhone.
The clock is ticking and “Dreamers” are still fighting at 3:30 am. Mary Powers has short spiky multi-colored hair and a big mouth. Her bitchy style doesn't sit well with the group and even prompts Michael Orland to put her in her place during their run-through. Meow! Looks like the “Dreamers” are going to dream themselves straight into an elimination if they keep this up. While they fight, “Destiny's Wild” do some screaming of their own during their session with the vocal coach with their rivals “Neopolitan” waiting impatiently to go rah-rah on their ooh-la-la. This, my dear readers, is what I'd call a bad AI romance.
Born on the 2nd Hollywood Group day
Morning brings sunshine, harmony and energy to all the groups according to Seacrest and soon it's on to dress rehearsals at the Kodak Theater. However, some people are, quite literally, at a loss for words. Lyrics are mangled and forgotten, vocal coaches get snippy and in the end fights finally abound. Just like AI likes them. Amid all the craziness, Big Mike finds time to check his iPhone again and get the low-down on his wife's condition. Cue soft, inspirational ballad as he coaches his wife through labor. Yes, labor. I'll spare you descriptions of the wife's hospital room, the way she looked on the bed and Big Mike's reports on how many times she pushed before his baby girl was born. Meanwhile, I have no idea whether Big Mike can sing worth damn but, hey, who cares? Right?
However, life must go on and there is serious business to attend to in Hollywood. The judges are ready to judge and... OMG. Stop the presses! What's that I see? Are those really Vitamin Water cups instead of Coke cups on the judges' table? I need a moment to recover from this crazy development.
Ok, all better now. I'm done mourning for Paula and all those times I've speculated about the contents of her Coke cup. We can move on. “Faith” is up first, a group made up of Michelle Dellamor, Charity Vance – remember the Arakansas beauty salon princess? - and Ashley Rodriguez with Beyonce's “Irreplaceable”. They're decent but as I'll be telling you many times throughout this season: nothing you haven't heard before from your average AI contestant. In what is to become her favorite psych-out gam,e Ellen makes Charity step forward but in the end they're all through to the next round. Cue screaming.
Team “Awesome”, including Big Mike, isn't doing quite so awesome. Their interpretation of “Get ready” by The Temptations is pedestrian and uninspired. Randy makes [b]Michael Lynch[b] – that's Big Mike for the uninitiated - and Tim Urban step forward and into the next round. Meanwhile, owner of the standard my-son-is-autistic-so-I-want-to-be-a-singer non-sequitur sob story, Seth Rollins, and Michael Castro, one of the many Castro brothers with careers as American Idol contestants are dispatched back to their previous lives. Only room for one so-so voiced daddy with a sumo wrestler's body on this show! And we have learned a new AI rule: live birth over iPhone beats out autistic kid. File that away, you future AI contestant wannabes!
Gaga-off
Wipe away your tears because we're moving on to the big “Bad Romance” cage match. “Neopolitan” is fired up and ready to show the judges what a bad a capela cover, complete with monster claw choreography, looks and sounds like. However, Simon thought it was a very good performance because he felt they put effort in it. A for effort is now a passing grade? Apparently it is because Liz, Paige, Jessica and Thaddeus are all through.
Down in the audience, “Destiny's Wild” are not happy and alleging that “Neopolitan” are filthy thieves who ripped-off their awesome idea to do Gaga a capela. And there is video footage to prove their claim. But the show must go on. Their version is up next and it is flashier, incorporating both some clever somersaults and campy choreography and stronger vocals. They get a standing ovation from the other contestants and some curious commentary from Ellen. She says their look is Cirque de Soleil-ish and surreal but good enough for the next round. Toddrick Hall, Theri, Jareb Liewer and Siobhan Magnus all make it.
One step closer
A bunch of unidentified groups make it through with various a capela performances. Chances are good that we won't ever see them again, hence AI feels no need to profile them. I'm not complaining precisely but the ones that they did feature didn't seem too worthy of all the pimping so far so maybe this is going to be a season of hide-the-Idol.
“The Mighty Rangers” made jup of Tori Kelly, Maddie Penrose, Mark Labriola – the chubbier Gokey 2.0 – Kimberly Kerbow and Danny Jones are singing “Closer” but the competition between them is far from close. Not enough rehearsal, nerves or just plain inability to hold up their end of the bargain means we won't be hearing again from the last three who all forgot their lyrics. Mark even resorts to begging for a second chance but Simon is in no mood for theatrics. Tori and Maddie make it through to the next round and Gokey's twin goes home with the others. Moral of the story: one Gokey is way more than enough.
No more-eeaaahh!
Team “Phoenix” had their share or discord with Moreea's bad arrangement of their song, scolding from their vocal coach because, as she put it, they don't know what they're doing and now one of their own, Kate Nestel packed it in and said adios overnight. Her big reason for quitting? She didn't want to humiliate herself. If more of them were so sensible we'd have a way better show on our hands. And I might never watch that boring pap. Jermaine Sellers, Ben Honeycutt, Jeff Golford and Moorea Masa are left to sing a song I don't recognize. All do quite well except Moreea who forgets the lyrics and later moans about the hardships they've gone through as a group. Hardship? Simon says there's no hardship when you have 12 hours to pick up 2 verses and sing them as a group. Did she really think the judges were going to be sympathetic to such fake struggles? Ben and Moorea are cut and I'm happy to report that Moorea has no plans to return next season. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.
Speaking of fudging and forgetting lyrics, “Sweetest game” by Gwen Stefani proved to be an Idol killer. You know, the one about a refrigerator and something, something. I can never remember the lyrics to that one and apparently neither could the contestants with many of them mangling the chorus quite badly.
One group, “Big Dreams”, includes Matt Lawrence, the convicted felon who did four years in the slammer. I remember a time when AI freaked over nude photos of contestants and banished more then one of them from Idol land. Apparently, it's okay to be a felon, and AI will even give you a nice sob story package, but it's not okay to get naked for profit! However, in the end, Matt, along with the three others couldn't handle Gwen Stefani either and we're free of their “Big Dreams”. Remind me to send a thank you letter to Gwenny for writing those genius, Idol-contestant-slaying lyrics.
Broken Dreams
With about 10 minutes of show time left, it's a veritable contestant bloodbath at the Kodak. Almost everyone you've seen in all those endless audition rounds seem to be eliminated as the day goes on. I won't even bother listing them but I'm happy to see so many of the sob stories cut. Perhaps on one cold day in hell Idol will consider just putting people through because of talent as opposed to any personal tragedy they might have. Not holding my breath.
So far, there have been no standouts, no real original voices or personalities. In other words it's back to AI before Season 8. Seacrest says that the best is yet to come so there's still hope that the next girl winner will pop up sometime before I have to call this a recap. Heretofore unseen groups “Middle C”, comprised of only three people, Janell Wheeler, Jermaine Purifoy and Casey James singing “Closer” and group “Three Men and a Baby”, made up of Andrew Garcia, Katie Stevens, J.B. Ahfua all make it through to the next round.
We're now down to the last few minutes of the Group crazy. “Dreamers” are still arguing among themselves with Mary Powers stirring the pot. Finally in front of the judges, things come to a head. Hope Johnson sings weakly, Margo May sings completely off-key and Alex Lambert looks like he'd rather be somewhere else. The judges are not impressed but Hope, Mary and Alex are going through to the next round. While I would have gotten rid of all of them, the judges still have to keep some padding for the next round.
All in all, there are still 71 people left to battle it out with one last performance in Hollywood before the field is finally cut down to size. Come back and read as MotherSister and I will be happy to report on the off-key shenanigans and minus all the boring parts.
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