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Ellen’s here. Your life will now be different forevermore. It’s too early to tell whether she will be a force for good or for evil, or for good and then evil like Magneto. But what we do already know is that she is actually excited about the season to come, and that is no bush league feat. Let’s see if we can manage the same. It should certainly be easier to do now that the auditions are finally, mercifully over, am I right?
181 police officers, teachers, receptionists, and otherwise unfulfilled everyday people made it through those cattle calls to the Kodak Theater in pursuit of dreams. Tonight will be the first of many chaff-winnowing processes, featuring sudden death solo performances in groups of eight.
One Step Forward, One Step Back
The contestants all file into the Kodak with varying degrees of fear in their eyes and smiles on their faces, and Ryan introduces Ellen to them all. She comes out on stage to a standing ovation, and says something about not knowing anything about music but knowing how to make people happy. Then the first group of eight ambles out to the stage. It includes the lyrically named Skiiboski, and Katie Stevens whose grandmother, Ryan wants to make sure you remember, is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. It looks like we are indeed going to have sepia toned flashbacks of every sob story we ever encountered on this long road, so have your tissues ready or your Xanax, or whatever it is you do. I do peanut butter M&Ms.
Meanwhile, on the Hollywood stage Katie sings “For Once in My Life” in the same rich, earthy voice that she shared in the auditions, attended by only a little awkward white girl bobbing. Simon calls her “quite good,” but the applause from the crowd is small.
Skiiboski however, gets a huge reception from the other contestants as he macks the judges. They’re all laughing at him, but hey, at least they care. Old Skiibo has toned down the outfit and the attitude for his L.A. debut, but he sings “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” in the same bright, catchy voice that got him through his audition despite his being completely ridiculous. Appearances aside, it’s his intense eagerness that is the disservice to him here; Ellen remarks that he frightened her, and likens him to “a leopard behind a cage.” Skiiboski was apparently trying to make a sexyface, but Ellen retorts that it’s a fine line between “sexy and scary.” True enough.
The other 6 nobodies remain nobodies, as the judges ask 3 of them – Skiiboski and 2 others named Marcus and Kristi – to step forward. Those three are eliminated. Katie and the other 4 nameless wonders get to go on to the next round. Skiiboski asks from up on stage what was up with his elimination, and Simon says he’s not a good singer. That, of course, is not the reason, but Skiiboski seems to accept it, and then sings himself off stage.
The Word and the Deed Go Hand in Hand
It’s close to lunch time on Hollywood Day One, and we’re only up to the second group of eight. Oh wait, only the second televised group of eight, as Ryan helpfully informs us that Simon’s been tearing through dreams like a seam ripper all the morning, but none of his victims were interesting enough to make the air. There’s a brief clip of Ellen’s more innocuous brand of charming put-downs for us to consider, and then on with the show. Vanessa Wolfe, aka The Bridge Jumper, is in this next group, along with Thug Life reject Andrew Garcia. Andrew is supposedly taking a gigantic risk by singing an acoustic version of Our Dear Departed Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up;” I guess it’s risky because Paula is not there to reprise the dance from the video? Because otherwise the performance is smooth and cool, and the judges and other contestants in the audience get way into it. All beams of approval for Andrew when he finishes. Kara says it was genius, and Ellen busts out a Paula brand seal clap for him.
And now Bridge Jumper. We revisit her cripplingly stifiling Tennessee hometown, and the [iIdol[/i] cameras are actually on-hand to witness Vanessa leaving her mother for her first ride on an airplane. She lloks like a bundle of nerves as she takes the stage for in her words, her “one moment” to make her dreams come true. The judges smile patronizingly at her and remind her to speak/sing into the microphone, and then Vanessa takes a deep breath and sings “No Rain,” which … awesome. I don’t even care that she’s doing an awful job of it because of her nerves. Vanessa the Bridge Jumping Bee Girl is a great person. Simon halts her quickly, and Ellen calls her “unique,” but says she is clearly scared to death of letting her true self out. Vanessa seems to sense she has blown things, but waits wordlessly for the verdict. The judges call forward Andrew, some other nameless girl, and golden-voiced worship pastor Tasha Layton, and only those three are sent on. Poor Vanessa. At least now you’ll have something to talk about on all those long nights hanging out in the Fina parking lot.
Strumming Your Pain with Their Fingers
The nation’s collective sadness for Vanessa’s life is now nurtured by a montage of other tearful and dejected cast-offs, to the tune of “What Hurts the Most.” Post-commercials we see the failures of some other people that got a lot of attention during the auditions: pants-splitting Cornelius Edwards, and Megan Wright, whose enthusiastic little brother probably now has Simon’s name on a list somewhere. Also flaming out: Big Italy, aka Amadeo Dirocco.
Janell Wheeler on the other hand secures a pass with her folksy, guitar accompanied take on Estelle’s “American Boy.” When she’s done, Ellen calls herself amazed by Janell’s performance, and Simon says it was well done. This high is of course followed by all the instrumental low points the show could find, including a girl who maybe didn’t even know how to play the keyboard, but just sat down at it because it was on stage, and a girl who accompanies herself on guitar while singing Left Eye’s rap from “Waterfalls.”
But here to save the noble guitar from ignominy is young, young Haeley Vaughan, the girl who aspires to be the first black country superstar. Nobody tell her about Charley Pride. Once it’s her turn she gets the crowd rocking with a Taylor Swift song and causes not only Kara, but also Randy to give her the patented underdog sports movie chin lift of sudden appreciation. Haeley’s guitar strumming is pretty good, and her voice is miles better than Taylor Swift, so she’s already a winner in my book.
Now here’s Mary Powers to represent for the old people, as she is 28 to Haeley’s 16. You might remember Mary’s adorable daughter who liked Simon best of all the judges, but here at the Kodak Mary is without a cute child crutch and so is instead resting on every black item of clothing she owns, and sings an overwrought version of Pink’s “Sober.” Ellen compliments her “amazing voice” and her connection to the song. When name-calling time comes, both Mary and Haeley make it through, with four other nobodies who we I guess will never see again. Backstage, Haeley cries endearing tears of joy with her mother, and Mary cries similarly to the camera in a way that’s not so endearing. I don’t know why that is.
It’s the end of the first day and Ellen celebrates by toying with the final group, making them all step forward and back and to the left, to the left, before revealing that they are all through to the next round. Then AI gives us the first music cue of the season that hasn’t made me want to punch a wall – Curtis Mayfield’s “Move On Up” – while listing off some names of people we didn’t see make it through but who did anyway, kind of like how on a sitcom you never see anybody waiting in the dentist’s office, but you know they do it anyway. These names include Toddrick Hall, Charity Vance, and Ashley Rodriguez. Perhaps they mean something to you.
Beat Boxing and Broken Water
Day Two of these group solo thingys. Simon starts it off by telling the contestants that this is probably the most important day of their separate lives, and giving his annual caution that they not forget the lyrics. The establishment shot shows that friggin everybody waiting in line in the audience has a guitar with them. It’s an epidemic. A good one though.
First line up. Beat boxer Jay Stone is in it, and Simon once again seems puzzled by Jay’s existence. He stops him halfway through and says, “That was ridiculous,” while Ellen thinks something must be wrong with his microphone. At least he didn’t forget the words! I don’t think. It’s kind of hard to tell. Ashen-haired Lilly Scott fares much better. She announces her intent to sing “Lullaby of Birdland,” which instantly puts me on her sideeven though she attributes the song to Ella Fitzgerald when Sarah Vaughan’s is clearly the superior version, and then goes on to do a very pleasant, bluesy-folk rendition with her guitar. I could hear it playing on a rom-com soundtrack right after the guy and girl realize that do not hate, but instead love each other deeply, although there is no chance for love because the other one hates them. As far as the line results, they’re very predictable; Lilly goes through, and Jay does not.
Meanwhile Big Mike Lynche the personal trainer who you might recall from last week’s best of episode, just got a call from his wife saying her water has broke, right before he takes the stage! Will he be eliminated in time to rush to her hospital bedside? Or will the kid just have to get used to neglect as his father becomes a superstar? Mike stacks the deck in favor of the latter by telling the judges that his wife is at that moment in labor, and they all seem duly impressed/shocked that he would share that. He also strums one of those ubiquitous guitars (Kris Allen what have you wrought?!) while singing “Waiting on the World to Change.” The contestant crowd joins in on the refrain as I guess is required by law now, and then Simon compliments his song choice and arrangement before saying it’s been a good day for him. He’s in, and we will probably see his baby at the finale.
Pulling the Strings
We’re nearing the end of Day Two; cancer survivor Justin Williams is in line with Tim Urban who Simon just barely gave a pass to back in Dallas. Tim plays guitar and sings some song of David Cook’s with a lot more confidence than in his initial audition, and seems to win over Simon the Doubting Thomas.
Justin meanwhile chooses to play the keys while singing a weird cabaret version of “Fly Me to the Moon.” The crowd seems to have loved it, but “Um … interesting,” is all that Randy will say in response. When it’s time for judgment, Justin steps forward to be eliminated, while Tim is sent on through. I think that makes it official: strings good; piano bad. I’m going to paint that on the wall in the big barn while yet another montage plays, this time of people we were set up to think would be successes, but who instead failed, such as Erica Rhodes, and the Jersey Sisters.
When we return to the lines, young Maddie Curtis who has brothers with Down’s is up to take her shot at making her family’s dreams come true. She is extremely nervous and almost painfully frozen in place as she delivers a studied yet awkward rendition of “The Nearness of You.” As she finishes, Simon states that the song was totally wrong for her, but says nothing about her singing. Maddie hopes she can do better next time, and Simon says, “We’ll have to wait and see.” Will Maddie make it through? We won’t find out until sexual harassment victim Casey Johnston has his go at the stage. He and his guitar deftly work their way through a Ray Charles classic and charm every person within a five mile radius of the Kodak, and then Randy says Casey is “really dope.” Now for the final verdict: Casey is asked to step forward, and we then cut suddenly to the theater entrance. Masters of suspense, these editors! Casey and three unimportant fellows wearing different versions of the same flannel shirt come bounding out of the auditorium, while poor Maddie is so upset she can’t face the camera. She should’ve come with a guitar.
Two Birds, No Stone
In the final segment of the day (woohoo!), emotionally fragile Didi Benami waits in line with, of course, her own guitar. Once in the spotlight she sings some song Kara wrote. Didi looks shaky as she says she’s “been working real hard at this,” and thinks it is her time to become a superstar. Her voice is certainly ready, even if she is not. Didi has an awesome grasp of dynamics, and her voice, although kind of squeaky on some of the higher phrases, changes from chest to head seamlessly. Kara is grinning at Didi like she has just taken her first steps, and Simon hates to admit it, but “really liked the song.” He also likes that Didi is a waitress, because that will be a good story for the show.
Crystal Bowersox went to get a tattoo of her son on her back since she’s about to be away from him for a long time becoming the American Idol, and then she sang a very soulful version of “Natural Woman,” while accompanying herself on guitar. I toyed with it, but now am ultimately glad I did not institute a drinking game in honor of all this season’s guitarists. I’m a teetotaler, but I wouldn’t have liked to have been responsible for getting all my friends too plastered to pick themselves up off my couch. Anyway, the judges laugh at how effortlessly Crystal wins over everyone and everything in the world, and then Simon says she is “infectious” and “real.” Both Crystal and Didi are asked to step forward along with someone I think is Thaddeus Johnson, and are thus the final three people sent into the next round.
A total of 95 people made it into said next round, and since the next round is in fact Group Night, I can completely understand all their OTT cheers and whoops and jumps for joy. It’s finally time for my favorite night of the year, The Real World: Idol Style, and my lovely partner MsFroggy will be here to bring you all the catfights, collusions, and cacophony you can stand. You won’t want to miss it.
This recap not officially sponsored by Peanut Butter M&Ms. But, if any of the fine people at the Mars Corporation want to send me some, I would be only too happy to receive them.
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True that. Thanks, MS...your recap was much more entertaining than the real deal. 
