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This is pit stop #673 on the American Idol Season 9 tone deaf contestant search tour and I am happy to report that so far the annual traveling extravaganza has been an unmitigated success. Countless untalented, mentally challenged, freaky, fame-obsessed, delusional people have been found in every city and nearly all of them have been featured prominently in every episode. Sadly, there have been some glaring exceptions, people with some singing ability, who managed to sneak in – why won't AI security do anything about these gatecrashes? - but nobody quite managed to memorably interrupt the constant flow of the crazy and pitiful. Yet. As we know, all good things must come to an end. Tonight, AI has landed in Dallas, TX, that unquestionable nirvana of proper, pre-packaged Idol material, at least according to Seacrest the Great, and there's no telling how the usual force field of insanity might be impacted by all those Kelly Clarkson wannabes with half of her talent.
The circus set up shop in the Cowboys Stadium which means those white and blue clad dancing chicks are on hand to wave their pom-poms at the cameras and make Seacrest happy. Whoa! Didn't see that one coming!
Oops she did it again
While Simon and the Dawg fantasize about having either Clint Eastwood or Richard Simmons as guest judges, somebody infinitely cooler and less shriveled up is actually guesting tonight. Neil Patrick Harris, the epitome of awesome, is on hand to lend his critiquing talents to at least half of this episode. I won't reveal the second guest judge yet because I want you to keep reading here before you run for the hills screaming in terror at the top of your lungs.
To launch the day with a big dose of creepy, we have Julie Kevelighan who was 21 and horrible while auditioning here back in Season 1. Has the passing time matured and cured her? What do you think this is, a feel good episode of some inspirational show on your local PBS station? Julie has grown up but hasn't outgrown her loony. She's back, now with more ice blue shimmery eye shadow, a huge sign proclaiming 2009 to be her year and even less talent than before despite having taken acting classes. Her painful rendition of “Black Velvet” is no worse than you can imagine but better than everything Chicago has produced. Oops, did I just put down my darling city? Pardon my mean. Neil and Simon both had issues with her sign, her singing and her outfit. Needless to say, this won't be Julie's year not when she needs to escorted out of the room by security. But, hey, she's now going to go back to – gulp – college. Suddenly, the future of humanity looks incredibly bleak.
Launching from the dock of the bay
As Julie keeps singing in the hallway, a sea of other similarly gifted wannabes are lined up and eager to discover their inevitable fates. Next up is Texas sized dude #79220, dock worker, Lloyd “Big Successy” Thomas, who is convinced of his own fabulousness. However, at 29 years of age he is already over the age limit. Translation, Lloyd is filler unless they raised the age limit this year while I wasn't looking, though, I admit, I may not have been looking. But even filler sometimes gets the full AI pimp treatment. Lloyd has two daughters and grew up with drugs and guns – is that now a sob story? - but is after his big dreams. Of course. He sings “Overjoyed” by Stevie Wonder in the standard Ruben Studdard wannabe way that we've all heard about a million times before and guess what? The judges lap it up because, well, this is AI that's why. Simon says it was his favorite audition of the day but it still looks like early morning outside, so this may not be saying much. Nevertheless, dock worker guy is off to Hollywood to be eliminated in the first round.
All that jazz
As the day progresses Simon and Neil seem to be at odds: what Simon likes, Neil hates and vice versa. We get a lovely segment of unnamed entrants being used as ping pong balls in the Simon-Neil face-off. I'm secretly hoping for a wit-off between these two with Neil crushing Simon in the sudden death round with one of his clever puns. 'Cause, you know, that's how he met your mother! Insert applause and cheers here.
While they boys spar in the sandbox, Kimberly Carver, 26, from Denton, TX walks in with a big voice and an original song about womanizers and whatnot. Dawg loves her talent but Simon didn't see anything current about her and thinks she's too jazzy. Patrick rolls his eyes, twists in his seat and fantasizes about drowning Simon in an inch of dirty water. Kara also disagrees with Simon, Dawg howls with laughter and we're inching that much closer to a Simon-Patrick cage match on Pay Per View. Kimberly does get through this gauntlet with three yeas and one nay – from Simon, natch – and is off to Hollywood without even a hint of a sob story. Hallelujah! The line to become a fan forms to my right. If she turns out to have cancer, an artificial leg, divorced parents, a dead wife or husband, a sick kid, financial or legal problems or was found by nuns abandoned in a ditch naked and screaming as a baby, we can always move on to someone else more worthy.
Neil!!
The nutjob to talent ratio among the featured contestants seems to run 10 to 1 so it's not surprise then that Dexter Warren, who wants to be the next American Idols, is next up being cannon fodder. He winks at the camera, he proclaims the show over and done with, he fusses with his hair and then he winks some more! Dexter is unemployed and he can't sing but he smiles wide and even cold hearted Simon finds it in his heart to let him down nicely. Looks like Simon took his happy pill in the morning.
While Dexter weeps bitterly outside after his irrational dreams of fame and fortune are so sweetly crushed, more losers join the waterworks parade as some mournful Taylor Swift songs plays in the background. Or maybe it's not Taylor Swift. I admit, I'm not up on my contemporary country-ish sounding cheese. But even the judges get tired of so much dream-crushing and need a break. I wouldn't normally mention this due to my writer's manifesto being titled “Thou Shalt Report as Little of the Extra Crud as Possible” but Seacrest finds a moment to chat up Neil Patrick Harris, an event which deserves a mention. Neil is surprised that so many people got sent through – well, they did have to make up for the crickets in Chicago and Atlanta, I guess – but he knows that Hollywood is a bitch and you've got to be able to take the heat or leave the kitchen. Can he replace the Dawg? Just sayin'.
Large, gratuitous picture of Neil Patrick Harris:
Whip 'n Twitch
Moving on. So far, this episode sucks marginally less than the ones before it and I'm almost disappointed. Is this the worst you can do, AI?
But wait! The day is not over yet. Another contestant walks in and her name is Erica Rhodes, 23, from Irving, TX. She looks quite normal and fresh faced which on this show means one of two things: she's either a psycho or the next Hollywood golden ticket holder. I can never tell the difference, not even after all these years watching this sideshow. Erica's main claim to fame thus far is a stint as a Barney kid on that venerable toddler horror series Barney and Friends, which has proudly scared the bejesus out of sane parents wishing for sane children for a couple of decades now. However, while Kimberly is proud of her role in lowering the IQ and stunting the healthy emotional development of countless innocent children, she feels it's time to move away from that wholesome horror and show people – most of whom have no idea who she is – that she's all grown up.
So instead of an idiot in a Barney costume walking in to stand before the judges we get an idiot done up as a dominatrix instead, complete with latex mini dress, motorcycle platform boots, a whip, gloves and a studded dog collar. Randy, always the most perverted judge on the panel, wants to hear the Barney song which she delivers all sweet and innocent while holding on to her whip, but her real audition is Vogue's “Free Your Mind”. She cracks the whip, she stomps her foot, she sings nasally in a whiny voice, she turns on the attitude and says her message is “that Barney kids grow up” after which Neil, who really needs to be worshiped, quips “to be dirty little girls”. Is it any wonder that she makes it to Hollywood? Why, yes, yes it is but if she manages to squeak by the first round without the rubber outfit I'm moving to Tibet, shaving my head, changing my gender and becoming a Buddhist monk. You heard it here first.
The last contestant of the day is 27 year old, Dave Pittman from Gassville, AK. As a somber piano tune plays in the background, it is revealed that Dave has Tourette's syndrome. Well, that's a new one! Dave says his singing is not affected by the twitching and launches into a barely passable, boy band-ish version Sam Cooke's “Bring it on home to me”. Neil appreciates the voice and they all agree that Dave should go to Hollywood. Gee, really? Simon even thinks people are going to like him. You hear that, people? You're going to like Tourette Dave even though his voice is just so-so and he is probably just padding.
Fourteen people have made it through the first day though most were seen only briefly. Can Day 2 whip up even more of them?
Have brother, will audition!
When Day 2 finally arrives in Dallas, sadly, Neil is gone and has been replaced with one of the 79 identical Jonas brothers. This one is Joe, who I could probably not pick out of a lineup of all the Jonas siblings but supposedly he is a heartthrob. My head throbs just thinking about pretty boy's singing talents.
Toddrick Hall is tall, thin and used to be with Fantasia in “The Color Purple” but now wants a bigger piece of the fame pie. To this end, he performs a clever song about himself. We find out that he wants is Warhol mandated 15 minutes, he's wearing $300 jeans and he'd be willing to get down on his knees if that's what it took to get to LaLaLand. Kara liked it, Dawg enjoyed it, the Jonas brother thought Toddrick has star power but Simon isn't jumping out of his chair. Is Toddrick Hall your next American Idol? Not with that name, he isn't. But he's definitely going to Hollywood where he will probably become Todd and move on to sing dusty covers of tired tunes.
The day's off to a decent start. A slew of other hopefuls go on, most of them faces without names and nary a second of background information on them. I guess rare illnesses and other assorted hardships are not so easy to come by. Who knew?
Oops, spoke too soon. Megan Wright, 20, from Richardson, TX has a story that hits at least two dramatically cliched points in the AI sob story arsenal. Divorced parents? Check. Cute little brother? Check. Just as long as nobody is terminally ill or dead, I think we're good. She puts some quiet power into her rendition of “To make you feel my love”, which she may or many not have sung close to the original seeing as how I don't recognize the song and I'm too lazy to Google it. All the judges are impressed although Kara is most impressed that a girl in white shorts, a blue tank top and a big necklace can really sing. She's off to Hollywood and I have no prediction for this girl. Things can happen when you have a cute little brother and those things usually border on the super annoying about the third time the brother is mentioned. We'll see.
From pink to the pity vote
If the previous contestant's story was a bit thin on the hardship, pain and suffering this next one has even less of it but who wants doom and gloom all the time anyway? Vanessa Johnston is all about the pink, all about the happy-happy and all about being the next American Idol. Aren't they all? Like many uninspired but deluded people before her, she rips into Etta James' classic “At last” but is instantly just another laugh on the endless train of laughs that is the AI9 audition express. Off-key and horrible are good ways to describe the spectacle and the look on Simon's face is the same look he has when you just know he wants to throw something at the contestant but is prevented by strict US laws against assault. He says his nightmares look and sound just like her.
Another dream crushed by the evil mean that is Simon! However, Seacrest has a theory on why Simon is perpetually touched by such a humorless attitude and it has to do with the soul-crushing number of contestants, the constant, painful aural assaults he must suffer through or the endless march of the mentally unstable whose favorite pastime seems to be auditioning for AI. But even as Simon is enveloped by all these weekly horrors – not to mention the many flights in those nasty private jets he must take from city to city – he selflessly trudges through it all in the hopes that there's a star waiting at the end of all that pain. Of course, as we all know, that Simon no longer hopes for any such thing. It's okay Simon, you're not alone.
On an episode already heavy on the human drama, there is still some room to lay it on even thicker. And what's thicker than a nasty, painful illness? Get out your hankies because Christian Spears is 16 and she is a leukemia survivor. Which is all terrible but what the hell does it have to do with singing? The answer is, as usual, absolutely nothing but AI loves to push and prod and as we've seen with Susan Boyle the pity party can work wonders for one's career. Christian is wearing a prim milkmaid outfit and her song is Etta James' “All I could do is cry” which she delivers with power and some flair for performing. However her voice is breathy and sounds unschooled. Randy is impressed, Kara says she has a gift, Simon likes her “a lot” and the Jonas concurs. She makes it through along with another 16 lucky ducks bringing the total haul from Texas to a healthy 31 people. Expect to see only some of them during the Hollywood week and try not to blink too many times.
Next stop on the freak seeking tour is Denver and Seacrest promises the good, the bad and the extremely ugly. MotherSister and I will be here to recount all the awful deets, or at least the ones we can stand to write about. The rest... You don't want the rest anyway.
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Originally Posted by MsFroggy 
Loved the recap as usual Froggy!
