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Welcome back to the second week of auditions. By now everyone should be re-acclimated to AI in audition mode, and well prepared to hear and see more stupid stupid than stupid awesome, so I’ll try not to complain about it. The show’s trek last night to Chicago was a wash-out, but tonight we’re in the land of Disney, the land ofruthless corporate dominationdreams coming true! CHENOWETH will be there. Should we hope for an uptick in magic? I’m much too cynical to say yes to that, but Cheno is kind of a human incarnation of Tinkerbell, so, you know, that's something.
10,000 people showed up to be ridiculed and/or discovered in Orlando, but for some reason we open with Ryan talking up his, Simon’s, and Randy’s flyboy jaunt to Miami, featuring, if the clips are any indication, lots of hot club dancing with young women. They crossed a line there. If this show ever again alludes to Randy Jackson having a private life or a hot anything outside of his dawg box, I will quit life.
So, the three amigos are wilted and sour looking as they board their private jet and make it back to Orlando just in time to be very late and still cranky about coming in to do the show. Kind of tone deaf on that whole global recession thing, huh?
Meanwhile Kara and Cheno are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, hobnobbing with random contestants in the lobby. They have taken to each other? I kind of don’t know how to feel about someone I love liking someone I hate. Good thing I don’t really know either of them.
The Cheno retrospecticus focuses on all the wonderful things she’s done for the world, and then we plunge right into the crazies.
Quite A-Ways Around the Riverbend
Starting with a homemade Gaga costume. Theo Glinton, a 22 year old cosmetologist, has glued a constellation of mirrored tiles and feathers around his right eye, and turns up to his audition twirling around in a sequined scarf, bedazzled jeans, enough body glitter to light the night, and a t-shirt two sizes too small. “Good evening,” he says to the judges, bright and early in the morning. Theo indulges everyone with a list of ways he would like to make the world more fabulous, including an aspiration to be a designer, and then launches into a really weird rendition of “Heartbreaker.” It’s all growly and intense, but still so, so stupid.
Theo says he practiced really hard for “Mr. Simon,” but all Simon does is congratulate him on getting a bunch of free publicity for his hair salon. Although, I don’t know who is going to be running to Theo’s makeup chair to get mirrors glued all round their eyes.Maybe Adam. Simon rejects him for “screaming” the song at them, and Theo offers to do something more low key. He starts singing “Dance with My Father,” and honestly that does reveal a pretty okay voice, but everyone is tired of Theo so away he goes, after comparing himself to Jennifer Hudson who the judges also dismissed. And after Kara pats him on the back for smelling nice. And after he fails to find the right exit door, three times. Once successfully utside, Theo tries to hide his tears of sorrow from his support posse, Ryan sweetly helps him pick off all his face mirrors, and I try to figure out where his assistant/best friend found a black Thriller jacket. That’s sharp.
A Spoonful of Sugar Helps the Backstory Go Down
Apparently it was well into the day before any dreams came true in Orlando, and when the standout reject is the guy who went high on the hog and shelled out for the full chicken suit, it’s not very hard to see why. … No one’s slick as Gaston, no one’s quick as Gaston; no one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston! Sorry. Yeah, so the auditioners all sucked hardcore in Orlando until Seth Rollins, an insurance adjuster from Lakeland. He is ushered in by dramatic bass chords, so settle in with a box of Puffs or a bottle of ripple and prepare to hear all about it: Seth is married with two pretty, pretty babies, one of whom is autistic. You know it’s hard out here for a parent of a child on the spectrum, he’s a hero, and whatever.
The show exploits his son throwing a tantrum about not being allowed in the audition room, and then Seth sings “Someone to Watch Over Me.” It’s not bad, but I’m not going to be remembering how it sounds once I delete this episode from my DVR. The judges all have those indulgent, close lipped smiles on, like parents watching their kids visit the ice cream truck for the first time, so of course it works out well for Seth at this stage, but come Hollywood I think he’s toast. I put no money on it, mind. Oh, and also “Fix You” plays as Seth walks away from the arena with his autistic son. That’s our Idol.
Be Our Guest
Magic Kingdom/dream crushing juxtaposition! A parade of pathetic people pick pickled peppers and pontificate on how much American Idol would change their lives, and they all get rejected and cry and beg for mercy while a mournful folk version of “When You Wish Upon A Star” plays.
This culminates with Jermaine Purifoy, 24, Tennessee, a second-chancer who auditioned in Season 7 but was probably smothered by Archie’s cloud of cute. I already have a Jermaine to love this season, too bad, so sad for him. But then he sings “Smile,” just … beautifully, including an effortless trip to High Note Land, and so, okay, Jermaine II! I eat my words. He is awesome, as fully awesome as Jermaine I. Oh man, what if it’s Jermaine vs. Jermaine in the finale? And then they bring in the world’s most famous Jermaine to sing with them both? Wait, no, a step too far. I apologize for putting that out in the universe.
Anyway, Cheno is smiling at Purifoy like a proud mommy; she gives him props on the purity of his voice and compliments his gorgeous, gorgeous high range. Randy says Purifoy is the best he has heard from any audition city so far. Simon loved the song choice and thinks chicks will dig him. He is in with an unqualified vote of support.
Last up for Day One is Shelby Dressel, an 18 year old waitress from suburban Florida. Shelby was born with some sort of nerve disorder that affects the right side of her face. She confides to Ryan that people are always a little uncomfortable with her performing and that has made her a little insecure. But lest you think this insecurity stopped Shelby from believing, let me clarify for you: She did not stop believing! She is here to be your American Idol. For your consideration, Norah Jones’s “Turn Me On.” Shelby’s voice is interesting, but she needs more practice. To wit, she forgets the words halfway through and summons the AI bleep logo. The profanity charms the panel, and Simon says he likes Shelby, but wasn’t blown away by her singing. Randy liked her kind of awkward energy, and Cheno says there’s a lot of room for growth, but thinks there is also a lot of potential. Eventually Shelby gets yeses from everybody, and flies out of the room with her golden ticket and a very endearing look of disbelief.
B-B-Bibbity, Bobbity, Boo
Only 18 out of the thousands made it successfully past Day One, and in the golden ticket montage they all looked like the same girl, so I don’t know. Day Two opens with the sad news that Cheno had a real life to go back to, so we’re down to those three jerks. Kara is alone in front of the hopefuls in the lobby trying to pep them up with talk of “how it is,” and how they should “go for it,” and they’re all looking at her with a mixture of confusion and boredom. Kind of like me.
Jay Stone is the first to test out her epic advice to “go for it;” his accomplishes this by beat boxing “Come Together.” I like the mouth drums, but really, it’s 2010 a niche at best, so I don’t know about beat boxing on American Idol. I’m just saying it didn’t work out for Blake Lewis. But the judges look like they’ve been on a ride when he finishes, and he’s pretty cute, and he has a British accent, so he’s in. Randy – Randy – asks the “Can you sing though?” question, and then Jay offers a lukewarm bit of “Ain’t No Sunshine,” which the judges beat box through. It probably would’ve been awesome if Kara weren’t there. And then Kara campaigns for him to get in, and Jay says, “No one has ever been like me,” and they stumble around Blake Lewis’s name, which is sad for Blake, and then Randy relents and he’s in, of course.
You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly!
Jay’s lobby celebrating queues a clip of ladies dancing, but being only okay singers. They all get through though, so hooray for these nameless people.
Now here’s someone we hope you’ll really like! Another dancer, who learned things from his many stripper friends. Cornelius Edwards, a 24 year old security guard from Boynton Beach, pretty much sums himself up when he announces his intent to sing “Rolling” by Tina Turner. That’s not even a real thing. So here we go. He sings in a passable voice, but the trouble starts when he jumps in the air and lands in a split. “My pants done ripped,” he states calmly. Yeah, that’ll happen when you try to do aerobic stunts in jeans. Leggings, Cornelius. Those guys in Cats knew what they were doing. So his pants are ripped, but Simon says yes immediately, for fear that Cornelius may move again, and the others pass him through as well. Randy offers a parting suggestion that he gets some new pants, but Cornelius has no problem jumping for joy in the lobby, split pants or no. Ryan has to admonish the cameraman for getting too close, and then we’re off to commercials.
Can You Feel the Love Tonight?
After the break we meet two bright-smiley sisters from Jersey, who offer no counterpoint to the big hair, tanning stereotypes currently floating in the collective consciousness. They run a salon from their house, and also they perform little raps for each other all day long. Look for them on MTV once this Idol thing doesn’t work out. One’s in a blue dress, and one is in yellow. In their pre-interview, Blue goes on and on about how wonderful Yellow Dress is, and Yellow just smiles without reciprocating, even when her sister laughs off that slight. They go in together, which is of course a recipe for failure. Simon asks which is the better singer, and Blue Dress smiles at her sister before saying, “We’re equally great.” Yellow Dress wasn’t going to say anything! Oh, false modesty, the ruin of so many relationships. Blue Dress sings first, because she’s oldest, and then she does a weird, almost spoken word version of “Hit the Road, Jack.” Yellow then does “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” and … eh. Neither of them are very good, but since by Idol dictate one must make it through, my guess is Yellow. Randy says Yellow’s song was much more difficult to sing, but Kara thinks they both would bring something to Hollywood. Simon is busy mocking Blue Dress for nodding her head in that insincere way Kara always does while Yellow was singing. Zing! They all vote and Randy and Kara say yay to both, but Simon says yes to only Blue Dress. Then he changes his mind and they both go through. Victory!
Even Though the Sound of It Is Something Quite Atrocious
MEANWHILE, around the corner in the parking lot some fruit loop named Jarrod from Marietta, Georgia is doing breathing exercises on his back and slurring some words about energy and breath and impressing the judges. His breathing technique includes lots of buzzing. Gonna be good.
In front of our panel, Jarrod and his backwards ball cap and flannel shirt present a nonchalant face. Kara asks if he’s a great singer, and Jared says he has a real shot at winning. He’s going to sing “Amazing Grace,” which I thought was the property of Kristy Lee Cook, but I guess I must be wrong.
So, Jarrod’s “Amazing Grace.” He sounds like the unholy offspring of a goat and a lamb, who has been raised by a bumblebee. Kara and Randy are staring in wide-eyed disbelief, and then they both manage to charm me by looking at each other to make sure this is really happening. Kara says “What was that?” when he finishes, and she asks sincerely if Jarrod really considers himself a good singer. So much for nonchalant. Jared claims utter sincerity, by mumbling “Are you serious?” a lot and grasping his head like he’s going to go into a tail spin any minute. And then he does. He starts quivering like a tweaker, says he’s tripping, and then begs to sing something else, but the judges are in no mood to humor him. Jarrod starts “Amazing Grace” again in protest, but louder this time, and then Randy calls the security guy. “I can’t leave,” Jarrod says, inspiring some of that close together whisper-talk that police and security guys like to do. Not that I know about that. They bring in another big burly to help cart him out, and Jarrod resists all the way, looking back at the judges and yelling, “You see me fighting for this show, don’t you?” His choosing to fight for this show is the strongest sign of all that Jarrod needs counseling.
Instead he gets handcuffed, and we get to see all the action-packed drama as the security team leads him out of the area.
I Want Adventure in the Great, Wide Somewhere!
Now up in our mind-numbing final segment is the story of Matthew Lawrence. Not brother of Joey, star of Boy Meets World Matthew Lawrence, I am truly sorry to say, but cowboy hat wearing walking after-school special Matthew Lawrence, who came to Idol to share his sad saga of … bank robbery. Yes, it seems small town Floridian life wasn’t enough for Matthew, so at 15 he left a note for his parents saying he was off “on an adventure.” We don’t get all the details until the movie comes out, but long story short Matthew wound up sticking up a bank with a BB gun. Tsk, tsk; Ralphie would be so ashamed. But Matthew is no longer hanging his head. He paid his debt to society and is now ready to put smiles on his parents’ faces, to make up “ten times more than he made them cry.” Nice sentiment, Black Bart.
So he sings Ray LaMontagne’s “Trouble,” and does a middling to rough impression of Ray LaMontagne, which for some reason makes the judges herald him as a musical messiah. Simon says he was “brilliant,” and it was as if Matthew had written that song. Randy thinks he’s genuine, Kara’s smiling really big and talking about realness, and he’s through. I don’t think they knew he robbed a bank, so they were probably also unaware that his “aw shucks” nature would steal their hearts. Zing! Seriously though, I don’t know why Matthew got so much praise. Unless it was the cowboy hat. I do admit that was pretty fly.
So, Orlando is over, and unfortunately without much fairy dust at all; 31 tickets were handed out to the ten thousands who showed up, and I think we saw a total of 10 auditions, good and bad. That’s about right? Next week is LA with special guests Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry, so be sure to take your poser pills, or you might get infected. Or you can let me and my partner in recappage MsFroggy brave the danger for you. I’m dreading it either way! Maybe an overdose of Disney in the meantime will help me get happy. We’ll find out next week.
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind? I'm working on my technique; let me know if you have any tips.
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That's what I thought when I saw him. 
