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Congratulations! You are here to read about the most important American Idol episode to date. It's the one every Idol watcher awaits with bated breath every single season. Each year, American Idol goes to Chi Town in the hopes that amid the many millions milling about aimlessly in the third largest city in the US, at least one or two will be found who can carry a tune. So far, Chicago has always risen to the occasion brilliantly and we've churned out shining star after shining star such as... Oh, wait. Never mind then. Better luck this time perhaps? I mean, there have to be at least a few people who can represent this great city and not make us hide our heads in shame. Right? Here's to hoping.
The show sets off with a lovely montage set to Sinatra's evergreen “My Kind of Town” in which Chicago's architectural beauties are intercut with scenes of angry, swearing Idol hopefuls whose chances at making it big in Hollywood will forever remain less than nil. Seacrest, ever the eloquent quipper, calls it all a “warm welcome”. Seacrest, you reverse psychologist, you! Ah, do come to Chicago! We have that awful deep dish pizza thing that, trust me, you don't want to eat unless you're hungry for a heart attack and we have the Cubs who always provide their fans with ample reason for a good vocal chord workout and vocabulary enrichment whenever they lose another game. Which is practically every time. See, we've got something for everybody! Yes, we do. But do we have any talent among the 12,000 people lined up outside United Center to make up for all that artery-clogging grease and sports heartache? I guess, we'll see.
Getting all Duffy
For some odd reason, country songstress, Shania Twain was chosen to flesh out the judging panel for this pit stop. I guess, Oprah wasn't available. If I'm baffled by their choice ofseat fillerguest judge, Simon seems all atwitter over her. Hmm, I thought the Simonator wasn't into country singers. Or maybe he just isn't into country music...
While those 12K hopefuls were triaged at the United Center, the judges are holding court across the road from the Wrigley Building which provides a lovely backdrop, win or lose. First up to stare at the backdrop is Katlyn Epperly, 19, from Iowa. She has a mane of curly blonde hair and a tragic story about her parents divorcing. What? Is that it? Daddy wanting a divorce is now a sob story worthy of a montage on AI? I swear, this town can't even cough up a decent tearjerker anymore. Lame! Her audition song is “Syrup and Honey” by Duffy. Shania and Randy thought she sounded unique and un-Duffy like because, apparently, there have been hordes of Duffy imitators all over the place. Who knew?! Kara saw potential but Simon kind of thought “the lights were off”. In the end, it's a string of four yeses for Katlyn and we have liftoff in Chicago.
The boob beat
Now that AI has bagged their first Hollywood entrant many of you veteran AI watchers know what comes next. That's right, you guessed it. What would this show be without generous helpings of unhealthy delusion after all. Amy Lang, #301143, thinks stardom is at the end of two days' worth of queuing up for the judges. She is willing to make this supreme sacrifice and do some advance suffering in hopes of a bigpaydaypayoff which apparently is not limited to becoming the next Taylor Hicks but also extends to meeting Ryan Seacrest. Well, that's easy! All you have to do to meet Ryan is either be very talented or be a freak show. Not surprisingly, Amy is in the latter category. I will spare you descriptions of the montage in which she confesses to having had a sex dream about Ryan and the outcome of said sex dream. You don't want to know that it was set to a Barry White song. Trust me. Which is why I'm not telling you.
Amy's song is “Dr. Feelgood” by Aretha Franklin which she starts off by falling into a dead faint in front of the judges followed by some painful belting and a scary wiggle of her ample boobage, an impressive, if tasteless, maneuver. As gimmicks go, this one is at least novel but now I wish I could scrub my eyeballs and erase the last 3 minutes of my life. Kara calls the wonder move “boob-boxing”. Simon tells her she's not moving on to Hollywood and the others don't even put up an argument. I guess nobody thinks that LA needs Amy and her wiggly boobs. I wish they'd taken her though. I'm always happy when some of the crazies are exported to a land far away.
Fear factor
Despite the aforementioned boob-boxing incident, things haven't been too scary yet. However, that may just change in a split second. Ladies and gentlemen, our next contestant is fresh-faced, blonde, 16 year old Charity Vance who at first glance looks perfectly normal. However she is from... wait for it... Little Rock, AK. Yes, that Little Rock, AK. And she gets the full AI pimp work-up complete with a backstory which is something about having a beauty salon in her parents' home and a bit about Charity singing with broom in hand while sweeping hair up from the floor. What? Couldn't they dig up any tragedy in the family? I feel insulted.
Are we looking at the nextArkansasAmerican Idol? Judging by her audition with that old AI standby, “Summertime”, at least she can sing even if the singing is a bit all over the place and little girl-ish in quality. Randy says she's got a small voice – seems to be a local affliction – but Simon liked her and we all know whose word really counts at that table. Finally they all say yes to beauty salon girl and she'll get her day in Hollywood. Does she play the guitar? Be afraid. Be very afraid!
One sob story, two sob story, three sob story: Go!
No AI audition episode would be complete without due exploitation of the singing insane so we get the customary clip of the crazy parade which includes a dude singing something along the lines of “my name is Ken” - or it could have been Ben, hard to say - over and over, in a whiny, painful falsetto; a girl in a beauty queen crown and tiara; a dude in his best Speedo boy shorts; an accordion lady; somebody dressed as a bride – all in all a lovely buffet of the best mentally unstable and chronic attention seekers this great city has to offer. Seems there is no shortage of them.
Barely halfway through the show and Seacrest's hopeful tone from the beginning of the show is now starting to sound ominous while the images of the dearly rejected reveal a pathetic parade of people who either have inflated ego problems or really, really tone deaf friends and family. I simply refuse to subscribe to the notion that you can be completely sane and not know that you're a terrible singer.
Still, no matter how many times some people are told that they need to go back to their day jobs, some still refuse to take no for an answer. Case in point, Angela Martin who, at 28, is giving it one last go after being kicked to the curb on two previous occasions during the last two seasons. First it was her sick child and father's death that kept her from getting past Hollywood, then last season it was a “traffic violation, er, warrant” which caused her to miss a show in the Hollywood round. That's one mixed bag of a sob story if I ever heard one but good to know that a warrant out for your arrest is no longer an impediment to being on American Idol.
The judges recognize her because it would be hard not to and Angela explains that she had to drop out due to a warrant although, in Angela's words, it was just a traffic warrant, so no biggie. Her audition song is “Just Fine” by Mary J. Blige which she sings at about the usual Hollywood filler level and nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. However, this seems to be the season of slim pickings and Angela gets her golden ticket and comments from Kara like “you do deserve a break”. Hopefully, there are no more of those warrants to keep her from moving up past Hollywood week.
Looks like Idol is still infatuated with back stories of the soggy three hankie variety even if they have to recycle contestants year after year to get those stories. Several other people with presumably less tear-filled narratives – and therefore less worth of prime time pimpage - are also put through on Day 1.
Sideshow minute
As a new day dawns in Chi Town, chances of finding the nextCarrie Underwood cloneAmerican Idol dwindle. Maybe AI would have had better luck hitting up Double Door or Metro on the weekends for the real talent in this town instead of doing cattle calls for the severely deluded. But, I guess, hope springs eternal. A quick succession of losers such as Curley Newbern, absolutely murdering a Maxwell song in a high pitched voice that would send dogs howling at the moon, should be an incentive to do just that in future seasons. That is, if there are any.
Other notable tone deaf entrants include Alannah Halbert, who offended only mildly by desecrating “I will always love you” and Brian Kraus, 27, substitute teacher (!!) and former soldier from Pittsburgh who used to sing for the troops in Korea. Presumably, troops in Korea were entertained by his choice covers of lovely Tiny Tim classics – say again? - however I was forced to fast forward though this high pitched horror right when he started to tip toe across the floor in a really scary way. At least those two might not feel tempted to come back in future seasons. At least, I hope not.
Hometown boy Harold Davis wants to eat steak and vows to hold notes as long as it takes because he wants to “fight for glory”. With the Rocky soundtrack scoring his fantasies of stardom, Harold promises to show them who is best by painfully slaughtering Usher's “Nice and Slow” note by tortured note. I'd be laughing hysterically if I weren't too irritated and the judges seem to be in the same boat. Harold tries to squeeze out a dramatic tear as they shoot down his big steak-eating dreams but it's all too pitiful for words. Dude seriously needed a reality check.
The good bottom end
With 15 minutes to go and my patience stretched thin, I'm calling this show a bust. Of course, Idol wants me to be horrified but entertained, and while I certainly am the former, I can't say I've been entertained so far.
Maybe this next one, John Park, can do the job. He looks normal enough in a white shirt and black pants and nice hair – always a bonus - but can he sing? John's parents weren't too happy when their son decided to do some singing in college because all parents want their kids to be able to feed themselves and singing only pays the bills if you can, well, sing. However, music is John's calling. He sings a song I'm too lazy to google but it doesn't matter because he is quite good and also the first contestant I've seen who is actually worthy of going to Hollywood. Shania is taken with him complimenting everything from his bottom end - I feel I should be providing graphics here for some reason - to his lips to his head and finally his nice, deep voice all the while twirling the string on her blouse like a blushing schoolgirl. Rejoice, people! Chicago finally coughs up a real live one!
Take my breath away... well, not really. But it will do.
Five minutes of show time left. Can Idol squeeze in another sob story before they call it quits in the Windy City? By now everyone should know that if there's a circumstance left to pimp or exploit, this show will do it.
Enter Paige Duchausse, 21, from Morris, IL, who shows up to the audition with her entire extended family. In a limo. Her story is that she had a bad asthma attack at age 15 which nearly killed her. Sigh. I wonder whether American Idol would have survived all this time had it not been for all the tales of woe. Whatever happened to just singing first and talking later? I guess that was never on the table to begin with for this show. But I digress. Paige picks Sam Cooke's “A change is gonna come” and I wish I didn't remember the last time this song was sung on this show because then I might think Paige is quite good. But I do and she is good, albeit in an average sort of way. Simon calls her rendition indulgent and pitchy and says no to her right away. Shania isn't convinced either but says yes, as does Kara and finally Randy after some dramatic begging from Shania giving Paige only the second golden ticket of the day.
Justin Ray, Keith Semple and Marcus Jones all make it to Hollywood as well but they really don't deserve a write-up and the show clearly didn't think they deserved a pimp package either. Sorry.
To say that this has been a dismal showing by Chicago would be a gross understatement. With only one or, at best, two people who aren't totally forgettable, and only 13 golden tickets doled out, it seems Chicago is holding the record for suckage. Tuesday night the traveling sideshow makes its next stop in Orlando and according to Seacrest the Great “you won't want to miss this”. But just in case you want to spare yourself some hearing damage, my lovely partner MotherSister will be more than happy to clue you in on the juicier tidbits. I'll be back next week with more of the crazy. Somehow, I don't think they're will be a shortage of it.
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Great recap, Froggs! 
