LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
At the end of the last season I did say this show was officially dead, and in many respects, I was right. And I'll be even more right when Simon jumps off the sinking ship at the end of May. However, the fun is not quite over yet since there's a lot of really, really bad singing to get through until the anvil finally drops on Idol. Besides, some of you may be oddly comforted by the thought of a world in which Simon and Paula no longer get to mock-flirt on national television. At least till X-Factor rears its ugly head. So, all is not lost! We can still happily wallow in the usual Idol mediocrity for a few more months because the odds of this show finding another star like Adam Lambert are practically nil. Lightning is unlikely to strike twice, after all. Let's get on with this circus act, shall we?
So, yesterday, Boston managed to cough up a couple of decent people whose names I won't bother to remember unless they make it to the top 24. Can Atlanta spawn any interesting characters? Home boy, Seacrest, whom I haven't missed one bit, is eager to note that it was in his native town that Idol discovered Fantasia, JHud and Clay Aiken. Wouldn't brag about that last one if I were him.
Dude, you were never together and you know it!
Tonight's guest judge – read Paula Abdul temp replacement – is Mary J. Blige who comes with a boatload of accomplishments and hopefully a willingness to tell it straight. And by that I mean not to play it too nice with the nutjobs.
First to take the glass elevator up to the top floor to meet the judges is DewoneRobinson from Atlanta who claims to have a natural talent for writing songs. He also babbles on about his influences but do I really care about that before we even heard him sing especially since I'm shallow enough to say that I know he can't sing to save his life just by looking at him. Yes, people, I judge books by their cover! At least till we get to Hollywood. Sue me. Twenty seconds after he's out of the elevator and starts singing, I'm suddenly questioning my decision to watch this show again. Dude launches into his own composition called Lady, we're not together anymore, a painful lament on lost love or something.
First of all, any song with the word “lady” in it should automatically be termed unfit for human ears – which would take care of 80% of today's R&B and urban numbers, not a big loss if you ask me – and second when you go from your non-existent falsetto to your atrocious baritone as if you've been possessed by Pavarotti's bipolar ghost crossed with a cockatoo, things are not going to end well. And they don't. The judges can barely hold back their laughter and Simon asks him whether this was supposed to be a duet. Sigh. In the end, Randy has to call for security before Dewone the Great finally exits stage right, presumably on his way back to the loony bin. But not before singing his lady song on more time on his trip south in the glass elevator.
This is going to be a long night, but don't worry, I'm cutting out half of it.
Your heart belongs in Oklahoma
After the commercial, we get a brief glimpse of an unnamed loser followed by perky Keia Johnson dressed in canary yellow pants, her claim to fame is the title of “Miss Congeniality” at a past Miss America pageant. She launches into an overdone version of My Heart Will Go On. I guess she didn't get the memo about Celine, Mariah and Whitney songs. Mary says she can sing, Randy liked her phrasing, Kara thought she came across well and Simon envisioned her belting it out in a remake of Oklahoma. The word “theatrical” was not used, but strongly implied. In the end, she gets four yeses and she's off to Hollywood. Yay. Atlanta finally gets a gold ticket.
Praise be to the sob story!
Miriam Lemnouni, Noel Reese, Tisha Holland all get gold tickets but very short auditions and no pimp segments. Look for them to drop out of sight after the first Hollywood round or to win the whole enchilada – I can never be sure on this show.
When AI does decide to serve up the whole package we get something like the story of Jermaine Sellers, 26, from Joliet, IL who is a church singer with a sick mother he's been caring for since the age of 17. Not to trivialize anyone's real life burdens but what the hell does this have to do with his singing? Don't answer. That was a rhetorical question. His song is What if god was one of us by Joan Osborne and Jermaine brings the church to his passable but breathy cover of this old inspirational turkey from about a decade back. Kara loves his interpretation, Randy thinks he's hot, Mary liked his control and Simon just says yes. And with that, Jermaine is off to El Lay.
At the end of the first day, in walks annoyingly bubbly Christy Marie, 25, from Atlanta. She is a TV show hostess and producer of something called “The 411 The Show”, a title that comes with its own moronic hand gestures. But let that not distract you from Christy's real talent which is singing. Her song choice is Love Is A Battlefield by Pat Benatar which, ideally, should not be covered at all especially not with this much overwrought drama and absolute lack of singing aptitude. When Mary J. Blige has to hide behind her jacket while guffawing about your audition, you know you're not going to Hollywood. Simon tells her she needs to rename her show “911” but Christy vows to never promote American Idol ever. I'm sure everyone is all broken up about that. Moving on.
We're almost 30 minutes in, near the end of the first day auditions, with no real standout from Atlanta but plenty of rejects taking that down elevator to oblivion.
Last one for the day is Vanessa Wolf from some place called Vonore, TN. Her pimp package includes a jump off a bridge which I'm pretty sure it's illegal to do in Chicago so I kind of envy that sort of provincial freedom she has. Not that I'd ever jump off the Michigan Avenue bridge but just in case I'd want to, I'd like the option to be there. Vanessa, stuck in bridge-jumping country, is far removed from the fancy life of movies and malls and her most valuable possessions are a $4.50 dollar store dress for her audition and her guitar. Hand me that Kleenex, I almost like this girl! Something must be wrong with me today. Vanessa picks to sing a song called Wagon Wheel by something called Old Crow Medicine Show. Yeah, that shizz is on repeat on my iPod. Kara tells her she's a country girl – well, duh! - Simon likes her but thinks she's ill prepared. They all like her authenticity and she gets four yeses. For the first time in her life, Vanessa is going to be riding the American Airlines wagon all the way to LaLaLand.
Knock, knock, knocking on AI's door
Finally into the second the day of Atlanta auditions and Seacrest promises more Idol cattle call awesomeness. Did I tell you that AI is now showing all the judging room setup complete with views of the monitors, cameras, mics and lights? Seacrest claims that they just want to give us a glimpse of how the magic happens but I think it's just an excuse to stretch the show by an extra 10 minutes. Throw in another 10 minutes of the cannon-fodder contestants, 30 minutes of sobbing relatives of dismissed delusional people, some singing here and there and you've got a 90 minute show.
Our next victim is Jesse Hamilton, 26, from Alabama. Dude claims to have had close encounters of the almost deadly kind a grand total of 30 – or was that just three? - times in his life. I can barely make out what he says but the incidents ranged from Jason going “limp as a dishrag” in his crib, to almost being hit by his mulleted buddies during some backwoods shooting practice and nearly being run over by a car. All of this is highlighted to great effect in an SNL-like comedy skit. Can he sing? He wants to audition with a Garth Brooks song but forgets the lyrics. Mary J. Blige can't contain her laughter, Randy suggests another Brooks song which Jesse proceeds to butcher. Simon tells him to go back to welding and forget about this whole singing business.
He is followed by a string of rejects who all should have known better but somehow didn't. Now, why is it that so many people seem to have not the foggiest idea that they suck in a major way? Singing related delusions must be on the upswing and I think American Idol is wholly responsible for this trend. That rejection vote should come with fee counseling and a free year's supply of Zoloft courtesy of 19E.
Twang freak
We've had Big Bird, we've had Michael Jackson clones, we've had guys in bear suits – at least I think we did – but have we ever had the Human Guitar Girl? Well, there's a first time for everything. Holly Harden's gimmick is a guitar Halloween costume and her audition song is some Loretta Lynn piece with a too long title. She rattled it off and I'm in no mood to rewind, sorry. Her voice is country decent, though nothing you haven't heard before, and she tells Simon he is gorgeous. Do you think she made it to Hollywood? Duh! Hope that ticket is round trip.
Unlike, guitar girl, some people's genius will forever go unrecognized as Lathan Davenport who barks like a cat, Hansel Enriquez who murders a Mariah Carey song in cold blood and Blake Smith whose life was changed by lipsynching Britney Spears, are all used for comic relief then swiftly discarded.
Are there any people here who can sing without ripping off an existing act? I realize originality may be a tall order seeing as how 99% of the people who ever made it to the Top 10 were about as original as a Guns 'n Roses tribute band, still, I think, hope springs eternal. Right?
Can Mallory Haley,20, from Winner, SD be original? Not unless you count her countrified version of Piece of My Heart which is not precisely bad but it's mildly insulting. Maybe more than mildly. However, she is a pretty girl who can sing with a country twang (always a plus on this show). So what if she's a Carrie Underwood clone? It's been years since she won, maybe nobody will notice. In any case, Mallory is off to Hollywood along with a slew of unnamed golden ticket winners who didn't merit an audition package.
The moron factor
After Guitar Girl was put through to Hollywood, my faith in this show has plummeted once again. It wasn't a big fall from that bottom rung of the ladder, but you know what I mean. Wearing a Halloween costume to a singing audition should automatically disqualify even Elvis Presley but it looks like Idol is either desperate this year or... well, desperate. Can't say I blame them. Much.
Next in line to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will never be taken seriously is Skiiboski, yes, just like that. It's a stars' name, to be sure, and it rolls off your tongue in the way Little Wayne's name never will. Not only is Skiiboski wearing what looks like a silk pajama top straight from Hugh Hefner's wardrobe but he's got it emblazoned with big gold lettering proudly proclaiming hisloserstar name. Misspelled. He also has the American Idol logo cut into his hair which just means the guy's not quite there. However, his take on Grapevine, while cliched and unoriginal, reveals a decent voice. Skiiboski says he and his look are like a dollar store package deal but Randy tells him to lose all the idiot trappings before Hollywood week. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, somebody named Skiiboski made it through to Hollywood against Simon's objections. May the Universe help us all.
On the wings of friendship-tastic love
It seems that we've run the gamut in Atlanta from passable talent to complete jokes. Now it's time to bring on the BFF act. You know the one because every year it's practically the same: two best friends show up to audition; cursing and tears ensue. Sometimes the cursing and tears don't happen till Hollywood week when theloversbest friends are cruelly split because who wants to chance Joe and his best beer drinking buddy in the final two? In light of this well-known Idol fact, you'd think the best friends teams would get a clue and audition separately. They never do and I am grateful for that as I like 'em stupid.
Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders, 19 and 18, respectively are just such a pair. Lauren squeaks out a couple of lines of some song I've never heard and it becomes clear that she is only along for the laughs. One of them always is. Carmen screams out another song and her voice actually has some power, thereby proving my theory. Simon, who wouldn't put either through, thinks they could be a good act as the Ditz Sisters however everyone ditches Lauren in favor of Carmen. Sappy music plays as the BFFs put on their tearful, surprised act. Aww. I'm moved. Moved to fast forward, that is.
To serve and imitate
A few more delusional losers later while Day 2 of the Atlanta auditions is getting closer to its merciful end Simon is clearly nearing the end of his rope and needs a breather. The next few contestants will just have to do without his bitching, I guess.
The first to experience Simon-free audition nirvana is Bryan Walker, 25, a cop from Sevierville, TN. I'm trying to digest that town name. Did the town's founding fathers misspell Seville or were they just a bunch of severe bastards who wanted to sound French? Cop guy wants to serve and protect the people but he'd rather make it in Hollywood. Natch. His audition piece is Superstar “in the style of Ruben Studdard”. I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that but the guy can sure do a good impersonation of Ruben. Kara thinks he can sing, Randy liked the looks vs. voice fake-out, Mary agrees and Bryan is dispatched to Hollywood.
Number 100200, 20 year old Lamar Royal is, by his own admission, a great fan of Mary J. Blige. He also has two vertical lines shaved into his eyebrows and claims to “love taking constructive criticism” which probably means they need to have security on standby. Whether it was his awful, tortured, off-key rendition of [i]Kiss from the rose[/b], the two lines in his eyebrows or the bad juju vibe coming from him, Mary doesn't seem thrilled. Randy's got mad love but didn't dig it, dawg, Kara says he needs to practice more and Mary tells him to find some humility. All the while, Lamar keeps breaking into song over and over and he looks so angry I fear he's about to pop a vein any second. Some more singing, screaming and cursing later security guards finally step in to escort Lamar out the door and all they way to the street.
Trousers on the floor
85 minutes in and, I guess, the Atlanta talent pool is exhausted. The last contestant of the day is Larry Platt who not only looks about five decades too old to be on this show but claims to be a General. Now, I'm all for tastelessly exploiting the delusional because, let's face it, it's hard to joke about real talent but what is grandpa with his weak baby boy voice doing on American Idol? Why he wants to sing his own song called Pants on the ground which is a serious rap piece about people who “need to pull their pants up”. Larry augments his singing with a few break dancing moves that don't exactly sizzle. Despite this, Simon thinks this song could be a hit. Check your Twitter feeds people, I think he's right! Grandpa may have a hit on his hands but he won't be getting a ticket to Hollywood because: a) he's too old, b) he's not entire sane, and c) every good thing needs to come to an end.
Seacrest coos that 25 golden tickets were given out in Atlanta and they found “amazing” talent. I wonder who they were? Next week it's on to my town Chicago where they'll either find the next American Idol or the next Pants On The Ground jokester. The odds are about the same. My special partner in crime, MotherSister is along for the ride and we're ready to put thoughts in your heads and tell you who to vote for week tomiserableweek.
Reply With Quote
Excellent recap!
