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A superstar was born on American Idol once upon a time in an audition room in San Francisco in front of four jaded Idol judges. The rest, as they say, is history. At the time, Idol was creaking by like an arthritic octogenarian towards yet another predictably over-hyped season of forgettable nobodies with big dreams but conventional talents. Something was needed to take this aging show off of life support because eventually somebody was going to pull the plug to put it out of its misery. And they were well aware of it too, hence the fourth judge and all the format changes. Then, like a miracle cure, AI received that life-affirming “something”: a blood transfusion in the form of one incredible human and artist with a one in a hundred million voice and a rabid worldwide following. I bet everyone at Fox and 19E was thanking every available deity they could on a daily basis for that amazing gift of life and for their paychecks. Then how exactly did the aging patient still die on the operating table? I don't know, really. No, that's not right, because I do know. And so do you.
But enough with the gloom and doom! We're having ourselves a right memorial service here for AI's credibility, relevance, call it what you will, that smattering it still had, that is. No matter what happens with AI in the future, I doubt anyone will never forget this day. I did tell you last week that this might be a eulogy even if I'm making it a happy one now that I'm back in my zen place, so be merry, put on some Led Zeppelin or Rachmaninoff or Archie's latest grand opus and read on. This is a mad wake party!
Rock star good bye
As nails in the coffin go, this is a pretty decent show. Actually, it is a damned good show in places, almost as good as the season itself was. Except during the season the best singer was never voted off. *Cue Bohemian Rhapsody here*
The show kicks off with the usual fanfare, only this time the numbers are bigger – nearly 100 million to be precise – and Ryan, who says he knows that not everyone got through to vote, expects us to gasp out loud at that staggering number. I would too if I didn't know that it was possible to cast thousands upon thousands of text votes or more from one single pimply tone-deaf hometown tweenybopper's cellphone, and it's not even that difficult to do. Yes, I have googled up an education in not-so-byzantine voting strategies these past two weeks like you wouldn't believe. Back to the show.
The massive Nokia Center is chock-full of celebrities, fans, family and other lucky few and they all holler ecstatically at their first glimpse of Adam and Kris, clad head-to-toe in white. Ah, the usual AI Idols-as-angels-from-heaven routine! Ryan beams as he explains that 624 million votes were cast during the season. Sure, Ryan, whatever you say. Then he schmoozes with the judges one by one starting with Randy. Each gets a tongue-in-cheek segment well edited to reveal some of their crazy mannerisms and favorite meaningless phrases. For poor Randy it's a clip of the constant for-me-for-you-for-mes that he's so fond of, and it's really funny. Kara gets sent up with a cute montage of her annoying self saying sweetie-honey-sweetie on an endless loop to countless throwaways during the auditions. Paula receives a fitting homage to her canned vocabulary while Simon is treated to clips of all the times he was confused and just didn't understand American English. Good stuff.
Finally the two finalists are brought out for some chit-chat and the customary check-in with screaming fans in their hometowns. The best part is seeing Carly Smithson looking lean and mean in San Diego with Adam's cheering fans. Then we're on to the first performance and it's a group number of Pink's So What with all the Top 13 Idols. The lyrics are all about being a rock star. Good use of dark irony there, AI! Or better yet, just how far in advance was this show planned? Many weeks is my bet. It all must have made so much sense back then.
Cue the rain
From here on out, the show is a steady stream of AI 8 alumni singing something with big names who have things to promote. David Cook is up first with a very emotional performance of Permanent, in memory of his brother. He sounds great and I'm liking this song enough to buy it off iTunes especially since the proceeds go to cancer research. Nice, David. He says both finalists are great and he doesn't know how America can get this wrong. More irony! It will be the death of me before this thing's over, I swear.
Because this show is a full two hours long and AI needed something to fill up dead space in between all the star performances, there's time to just make up new stuff. New stuff that wastes lots of time. In this case it's the “Golden Idol” award which consists of a cheesy, gold, Oscar-like winged statuette. This great award goes to those fallen comrades who came into our livingrooms, mostly during audition weeks, and attempted to make us all tone deaf. Hmm, this might actually explain a lot.
I'm not going to bother with the unworthy so I'll just mention that the winner of this distinguished honor is Nick Mitchell a.k.a. Normund Gentle. He stood out in a sea of losers like a sore thumb and he is awful to the end. Nick accepts his award, makes a pretense of being surprised then rips off his sweats to reveal Normund and breaks into song. Fast forward.
We move on to Queen Latifah singing with Lil Rounds which would be nice if I could get past the lyrics which are in part “The one you're loving keeps on changing personalities/ Some it's jealousy, too much intensity/ I don't remember signing over my identity”. I kid you not. The song is called Cue the Rain. Yes, by all means, cue the rain.
Glamor
The guests just keep on pouring in. Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace drop next to duet on Jason Mraz's I'm yours before the man himself, barefoot and sounding really good, joins them on stage for a rousing sing-along. Eventually all the booted Idols join in and it's all a big love fest of a group sing.
Once over, Ryan asks all of Kris' fans in the audience to cheer for him. A few anemic cries can be heard before AI wisely cuts to his much louder hometown crowd, then Kris' cheesy “journey” package rolls. Then it's on to Kris' duet with Keith Urban singing Kiss a girl. Well, isn't that just so wholesome and precious? Kris gets to strum an acoustic guitar, but we also have Keith working away furiously on an electric guitar... which is not plugged in. Allrighty then. The audience cheers dutifully and we move on.
Well, looky there! Kicked off Idol girls Lil, Alexis, Allison, Meghan and another one I can't place, sorry, perform Fergie's Glamorous. Man, what a coincidence! This is such a glamorous night. They do well enough, but when Fergie herself teeters in on some killer 6” stiletto heels that I want like right now, they switch to her other big hit, Big girls don't cry, and she just happens to pick it up with the lyrics saying “Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?” Because what else, really? By the time all the Peas stroll in, I'm just happy these guys are here with eight dancers dressed in really weird, black and white striped full body suits to put on a big showy show of a show with their catchy Boom, boom, pow. Then Fergie lets off a four letter expletive which Fox cuts out. Boom that!
Bring on the naked girls!
We're almost an hour into the proceedings when it's time for yet another Golden Idol award to be handed out. This time it goes to the one with “Best Attitude”. Again, since possibly nobody cares about the scary nominees except perhaps their cruel friends and relatives who encouraged them, I'll just go straight to the winner and it's Katrina Darrell a.k.a. Bikini Girl. She was the one who slithered through to the Hollywood round in a bikini, kissed poor Ryan on the mouth and generally made us all cringe. She accepts her award the way she started out, in a bikini, only now she's sporting more silicone in the chest area. Ryan seems happy about this because it's in the script. The weirdness starts when Bikini Girl starts singing that Mariah Carey song which Kara had an issue with during her audition then Kara herself walks in to sing over her and show her how it's done. Not Mariah done, just done. At first it's all a big chuckle, but then Kara rips open her dress to reveal a black bikini supposedly for the sake of some charity so I just have no further words about this.
Well hello there!
Another star performance and this one I'm very happy about because it's Cindy Lauper and that means mad good. Allison Iraheta with Cindy on a sitar-like instrument singing Time after time is even better. These two go so well together, all vibrant red youth and 80's platinum blonde icon, sitting on chairs and harmonizing just because they can. Time after time.
Next Ryan checks in with the Allen family right there in the first row at the Nokia Center. Amid the chit-chat Dad says “congratulations to America for doing [their] job”. Well, that's a new angle I haven't heard before! Who the hell knew this was a job? Even Ryan quips, because he can be like that sometimes, “what about those who didn't vote?”. Heh. Because this is supposedly an equal opportunity show, Ryan moves on to Adam's parents and brother for a few quick words. Mombert and Dadbert are both wearing black nail polish, nice smiles and a lot of pride in their son. It's a short bit because we're moving on again.
Gokey is sitting on the big stairs – those who can't walk down, sit, I guess – and belts out an acceptable but thoroughly Gokey-ish straight up version of Lionel Richie's Hello for a couple of verses before the man himself shows up to lend a helping voice with some other song which is only memorable because it contains the lyrics “You can just chill, you deserve it”. This is followed by some more of the same but I've had enough so I'm skipping the rest of this formulaic yawner or a performance.
Kiss and Tell
After paying the bills, AI is back and Ryan wants to hear Adam's fans holler in the Nokia Center. They do, quite loudly in fact, so it's a quick cut a way to his other hollering fans in California. Equality for all Idols, and all that. Adam's Idol “journey” clip follows and it's chock-full of Adam's best moments on the show and a promise from him from Hollywood round to surprise us all. The audience are on their feet, the cheers are deafening, but the show must go on.
More precisely, the show must finally start because this is one of those moments on American Idol that won't be soon forgotten. Adam dressed in black alligator patterned leather, bronze platform boots and studded shoulder cages is in full glam rock regalia because he's on stage with none other than Kiss singing Beth, you know, “just a few more hours and I'll be home to you” Beth, to a live audience who are just bolted from their chairs as if on cue. Kiss themselves are lowered from the rafters on a platform amid much smoke and lights before Adam joins them on stage to do what none of the other Idols can even imagine doing, not even in their most ambitious dreams. He fits right in with the crew as if he's been singing “we gonna rock all night, and party every day” with Kiss for the past decade. I can't tell them apart in that makeup, not being a Kiss fan, but at the end one of the band members smashes his guitar giving this performance it's deserving due before a standing crowd of 7000 and another tens of millions at home. To say this was an epic moment on AI, would be an understatement.
Smooth ride
There's a lot more show here because that's just the way AI rolls on finale nights, so for a nifty change of pace, Santana is on stage, on top of a round platform working his famous guitar skills like a demon before Matt joins him on stage to sing Black magic woman for a bit. When all the Idols come down, Santana quickly shakes hands with Adam before they all join in singing Smooth. Why do the group songs sound so much better tonight? I guess, they should have had Santana on call every week.
What are the perks of being an AI finalist? Aside from the whole finale night duet-singing fun, and the lovely elimination thing right at the end – you know, the real fun part – they each get to drive home a brand new Ford Focus hybrid. Save gas, save the planet, save American Idol! If only it were that easy. The guys are happy when David Cook presents them with their cars, as they should be. They drive off into the sunset and we're moving on. Perhaps there's even an end in sight. All this hard partying is tough on the complexion.
Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have tried more...
Bizarre sights follow extreme weirdness in this AI funeral procession party. Steve Martin, of all people, on a balalaika or something, with that oil rig dude whose name I can't recall is duetting with Megan and there also a whole bunch of other guys on ukulele and other strings clustered around them. They look like a folked out Polka band. That's all you need to know about this awkward thing that I'm not even going to call a performance. And the oil rig guy, he can go away now. Seriously. There went two minutes of my life I'll never get back.
After a break, all the Idol guys are back dressed sharply in black suits belting out Rod Stewart's If you want my body and doing some cute PG kind of dance moves. Somebody thought it was a good idea to let oil rig guy start the piece, and clearly, they should be fired after tonight, but maybe they also had the brilliant idea of letting Adam sing that high note to end the song, in which case they can keep their job. For another hour or so anyway. After that, it's back to the unemployment line for them too. Rod Stewart himself, remarkably well preserved, drops by and does a decent version of Maggie all by his lonesome, which is nice and I love him and all that, but I'm getting impatient. Moving on.
But wait! There's more to this subsection. We're crowning another Golden Idol, this time with the “Outstanding Female” title. The illustrious nominees are all of the mewl-and-wail variety, with faces not seen since audition weeks months ago, but the winner is, of course Tatiana del Toro, or as I used to call her the chick with the shower curtain skirt. I can now tell it's more like a sweeping tutu but who really cares. I'll spare you her singing antics. I can be kind like that on occasion.
Some are champions, some... not so much
We're getting closer to the end now. Adam and Kris are standing behind the judge's table and as I hear the opening notes, I feel chills coming down my spine because it's Queen's We are the champions. Holy hell, there's just no way! I wonder how they came up with this particular guest appearance...
Of course right then, in the middle of me jumping up and down in my living room, Kris' thin little voice squeaks the opening lyrics and he almost ruins it all, but no matter, Adam is there to take it up and up and away and make it fly. And just when I thought this wake was turning into a hell of a gig, up pops straight from the floor what's left of Queen with Brian May right there, on that stage to turn it into the nirvana of all wakes. I'm still on my feet as Adam and Kris run over while a full chorus fills the sides of stage. Who are these people? Who cares! The rest of the Idols are there to share in this wonder too. Nobody should miss this, nobody wants to miss this. Then Kris starts mumbling the lyrics instead of singing them while Adam looks and sounds just like Queen's new frontman, never mind about Kiss. The contrast between these two is glaringly obvious. On the last note, they both sing together but Adam holds way back because, well... let's just say he's a very kind man. A very kind man.
Now that all the singing is done it's time to end the proceedings. Ryan throws it back to Simon for a quick soundbite about the two guys, but all he gets back is a very diplomatic “you should both be proud of what you achieved last night”. Then some sort of British-accented accountant type is schlepped on stage to deliver the supposedly tightly sealed certified results with those aforementioned hundred million votes. It all sounds so much more believable when delivered in a European accent, doesn't it? Oh, and it's some sort of world record of votes, and by world I assume he means the US, somewhat like in the World Series of baseball which is the whole world minus, well... the whole world.
Then the lights are dimmed and a name is read and it's not the name that should have been read. But there's Kris, the also-ran with the thin voice and lightweight, mediocre coffee shop talent smiling away with it, all bland and wholesome and pedestrian and thoroughly average. Just another brick in that proverbial wall; a great victory for unquestioning conformity everywhere and it's not even his fault precisely, nice guy that he seems to be. He looks a bit bewildered, perhaps a lot even and keeps saying “Adam” into his mic. He must know too, what many watching at home surely know.
Gracious hugs from Adam, a quick quip from Ryan telling Adam that he's a superstar, more hugs for Adam from the other Idols, then another from Adam for Kris and then Kris gets some sort of new AI trophy for his trouble. He is clearly overwhelmed and incredulous. Who can blame him? Randy, Kara and Paula look stunned but are on their feet clapping away and fulfilling their contracts because, what else can they do? Simon stares stoically at the bizarre spectacle... sitting down. Yes, Simon, it's exactly that kind of finale.
I'll spare you the descriptions of Kris' big coronation song and everything he can't do with it. Life's too short.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for a good season. Thank you to MotherSister. Peace.
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Some of my favorites....
Originally Posted by MsFroggy;3462053; 
