How many weeks has AI been on now? Who went home last week? Do I care? Things start to blur after a while on this show amid bloated weekly helpings of bad singing, Paula's incoherent babbling, tearful eliminations and pitiful star mentors who mentor nothing. Yeah, I'm looking at you Smokey Robinson. The only things that stand out clearly in my mind are Seacrest's stupid glass staircase, Simon's ever-present drab shirts – probably purchased in bulk at some warehouse sale – and a few performances here and there, mostly Adam's. We have yet to have one really shocking bottom two or three this season and I'm starting to miss it. Perhaps AI regrets its boring ways and wants to make my day by making it Gokey's turn this week to sing for his life. Yeah, I know. Fat chance. Let's get to it.
The songs-from-the-year-they-were-born lame theme is traditional for AI and it's usually about as exciting as Seacrest's pompous descent down his glass staircase. However, this results show promises to be one excellent comedy hour. Some schmuck called Flo Rida is here to do something and, oh, Kelly Pickler is here as well. I guess it's a low budget week for AI. One week you get Joss Stone or Kelly Clarkson, other weeks you get junk. Such is AI.
Randy wasn't quite blown away by this week's offerings. Kara thinks some people are having an “identity crisis”, which is just a nice way to say that they suck. Paula, wearing elbow length white gloves for some reason I don't want to know, brings in a Photoshopped pic of herself and Simon as babies. The fun continues when Seacrest plays some video clip of an ancient song that was #1 the year Simon was born after which the dude in the clip, half a century older but remarkably well preserved, appears on stage to sing the same song to Simon. Turns out it's Frankie Avalon and the song was from 1959. Frankie Avalon, hmm. I'm sure he is, or was, great. I guess I could Google him, but I'm just too lazy. Simon says Seacrest and Frankie could be twins and, judging by Seacrest's frozen grin upon hearing that, I think Simon scored a direct hit. Always a fun thing that.
Continuing with the birthday theme, this week's group lipsynch is Can't get you out of my head by Kylie Minogue purely because it's from 2002, the year AI was born. I swear, I wish I could get it all out of my head, but it's stuck now. Thanks, Seacrest! As a time killer, it's no worse than your average AI group sing, which is not saying much, and at least it's not pre-recorded. So, there.
Fourteen minutes into the show and there's more filler to slog through before we can get to the fluffy elimination center of tonight's marshmallow. Since jet fuel is expensive, there's no field trip this week to exotic locales such as Detroit. Instead, we get a behind the scenes look at the making of yet another cheesy Ford commercial, this one a smidgen more pretentious than the ones before it. All you need to know is that it's magic show themed, it involves lots of glitter makeup, flamboyant costumes, a couple of shiny Ford cars and it's set on a stage. The final product is nothing spectacular but I'm happy to report that a full 2 minutes of show time have elapsed and we're actually on to the results now. Shockingly early!
Seacrest calls on Adam and gives him a chance to suck up to Simon for his standing ovation of the night before. Adam is properly appreciative and says he's never seen anything like that before on AI. Also, the Mayor of Kalamazoo, MI is in the audience to support Matt and his forehead mole. But enough of the pleasantries, we've got serious business to get to.
The root of the filler
Adam is first and since the judges haven't had a chance to praise him properly the night before, they all take turns telling him how much they loved his performance. He is safe, of course, but Kris and Anoop, who were called to stand at the same time, are still awaiting their fate. The judges didn't quite get Kris but dug Anoop. However, Anoop is in the bottom three and he's off to await his fate on the elimination stools.
Unfortunately, before we can find out more, AI calls on tonight's big guest star whose name is Flo Rida. Supposedly the dude is a rapper with a chart-topping song. Never mind that the song itself is just a reworked cover of an old Dead or Alive song called You spin me round and round that was big about 15 or 20 years ago. Flo himself is your standard issue sweatshirt and sunglasses wearing rapper dude with the requisite Jamaican accent, which was quite original back in '95. A minute in, and Flo's got a bevy of background dancers twisting about behind him for no good reason whatsoever, a couple of supporting singers who can actually sing and he's stripped down to his wifebeater, bling and tattoos. I figure two more minutes of Flo and this would have been an NC-17 show. The spectacle inexplicably ends with a shower of confetti and streamers, the dancers sprawled on the floor and Flo explaining the name of his new record “Roots” which features Flo himself on the cover, bare chested, looking heroically from behind his sunglasses somewhere off into the void, wearing only one thick bling necklace around his neck. Get this, “Roots” is a serious acronym and it stands for nothing less than “Rappers Overcoming the Struggle”. Seriously, there are no words.
A brief commercial later, during which I was trying to erase Flo from my brain, the results finally continue. Gokey, exclusive supplier of this year's cheesy Archuleta style inspirational gospel – cringe! -
is up next and he is declared safe without much ado. One smug smile and a satisfied short laugh later, he sits down before I can reach through my screen to slap him. He won't be so lucky next time! Matt with the bullseye mole is safe but Scott and his dorky hair is off to join Anoop in the bottom three. Seacrest calls on Lil and Allison last. Lil was widely panned by the judges for her Tina Turner impersonation while Allison got good reviews. One of them is safe. Who will it be? Cue the dramatic music, Simon's stone face, an audience with mouths agape staring expectantly at Lord Seacrest and just like that Lil is off to the bottom three where she definitely belongs this week.
Simon is asked about the save and he says they'd consider saving one of the losers this week. I'm assuming he's just being nice. No way they'd use the save unless it's Adam or the Gawker. I'm not even convinced they'd bother for Lil now that it's clear that she's just a karaoke crooner. Anyway, we're off to another commercial and Pickler is up next to delight us.
I wanted to tell you about her performance, I really did, and, I swear, I tried to sacrifice myself on the altar of recapping, alas, I just couldn't do it. Thirty seconds in I was reminded that this girl could never sing to save her life and that was before I remembered all about the calamari. Regretfully, I had to mute her then I fast forwarded. Sorry about that. I did like her shoes though! However, if you are not concerned about your hearing in any way, Kelly invites you to see her in concert soon with her bosom buddy Taylor Swift. Maybe if she payed me... Nah. Life's too short.
We've been saved! Thank you Simon.
Finally, suspense! The bottom three are lined up on stage and Lil is safe right away. Thanks for nothing AI! Is this what they call drama? Lord Seacrest declares that 34 million votes were cast but only 30K separated the bottom two. Anoop is safe but Scott is in the bottom and must sing for the judges. He is singing The search is over by Survivor quite badly again. Seriously, Survivor? Have you ever noticed that many times the person who is going home or is in grave danger of elimination is singing something that either has a prophetic title or lyrics or both? I can certainly see a twisted kind of irony in a song called The search is over with the lyrics “How can I convince you that what you see is real” by a group called Survivor. Triple ouch there! While Scott is butchering the high notes on stage, the judges pretend to be in a heated debate over his very obvious fate. Randy and Simon are whispering furiously and if I could read lips I would probably be able to find out their dinner plans for the entire week.
In the end, Simon decides to be nice and says the judges are evenly split. However, he thinks that there's better talent still standing. In other words, Scott, you're no Adam or Gokey, sorry. Kara and Paula look pained but in the end, after some audience screaming, Simon has the final word and it's not good news. Scott's goodbye video is schmaltzy but brief, Paula sneaks in another tearful word about how nice Scott is and how he's an inspiration and with that the show is mercifully over. Another hour of my life down the drain.
This recap is over, but don't fret! There'll be more cheese to report on next week and my brilliant co-capper, MotherSister and I are up to the task.