SicilyLos Angeles, 2009. A single chrome microphone sits on a dark, empty stage, bathed in heaven’s own divine white spotlight. A series of angelic voices break the silence to pass judgment on a sea of anxious faces and determine their ultimate destiny. No, it’s not the Rapture, it’s just another dramatic opening to a new AI results spectacular! April Fools!
Hooray For Everything
As Ryan descends from his crystal stairs, I realize I still don’t have an everloving clue what this week’s theme actually was, unless it was “Only Stupids Don’t Have iTunes.” All the kids file into their results show stools like ducks in two rows, and the judges are all lined up like duckies too. Hmm. I am now mentally superimposing duckies over everyone’s faces, and Ryan gets to be the mother, because it will no doubt make my evening more enjoyable.
Randy acknowledges that the theme was pretty much “Sing Something That’s a Song,” and Kara talks about how the audience’s hatred keeps her young. Something about her endocrine system, I think, like an X-Man. Paula fell in love with Adam last night but wants to fall in love with everyone else too because love is her particular superpower. Simon never had enough love in his childhood – he says without hesitation that Anoop, Matt, and Megan should be leaving the show tonight. Megan, for her part, pulls a kooky smiley face to hide her pain and waves to the cameras.
Mother Duck is interested in running a tight ship tonight, so we move briskly into this week’s Ford commercial; the song is called “Mixed Up,” and the commercial borrows that Ugly Betty moving split-screens effect, so all the Idol’s faces and bodies get “mixed up.” I have seen absolutely nothing creepier than this all week long.
Thankfully we next plop right into the group sing, courtesy of “Don’t Stop Believing.” The Scott fix this week is that he gets to look adorable working the keyboard off to the side while Allison and Kris trade leads on the verse – Kris giving a pretty good Steve Perry impression and Allison giving pretty good Allison. Then Matt and Megan come in to screw it up even though it’s prerecorded, because anybody taking over from Kris and Allison sucks. Adam rocks out alone, then Lil, before everyone gets their lip synch on during the chorus, and the power of Danny Gokey’s powerful diaphragm compels us all not to stop believing, because the penalty is death. Death of dreams. A couple of Adam Lambert’s curiously perfect (for a change) rock wails and some unison fist pumps of triumph take us out.
I’m Naming My Next Car “Sexyface”
It wouldn’t be a results show without the nothing much happening, so we’re back on the stools to talk to Ryan. Luckily our gang this season is an inordinately charming bunch. There’s first a clip of them all being busy bees, doing Ford commercials, getting made up and photoshot, smiling at paps. At one point, Kris interviews abashedly about being made to make a “sexyface” during photo shoots, and it’s the most endearing thing I’ve seen all season long. Matt impersonates Gokey in a funny way. Then they have big fun with each other and live in luxury in their mansion. Adam calls them all “Fresh Princes and Princesses of Bel Air,” and I’m probably going to have to start liking him soon.
Back on stage, Ryan asks Gokey to do an impression of Matt, and he chooses to mock Matt’s crazy vibrato from his Coldplay performance, which everybody panned. Then when he’s done he actually bleats like a goat. Okay. I don’t want to say Gokey’s a tool for doing that, but I do want to say that hammers and screwdrivers everywhere are looking at him with disgust. Anoop then mimics Kris’ crazy side-mouth singing twitch, and it’s funny; Allison then mimics Danny’s overzealous soul posturing, and it’s funny. Why is it not funny when Danny does it? Only the hammers know for sure.
Results now. Ryan groups them 3 by 3: Megan, Matt, and Kris; Adam, Lil, and Allison; Scott, Gokey, and Anoop. These groups are all screwed up, so I think there’s a bottom three-er in each. I guess Megan, Lil, and Scott, but I know I’m wrong because I always am.
Who’s this bigheaded duck on stage now? It must be some sort of rock superstar or something. Oh, you say it’s Bighead David Cook? Good for him. I skipped his song, but I do not fail to notice both his pocket chain and matching kerchief chain – which is a great glob of chains on his jacket where a pocket square should be. I think Cook just invented that. People love him and he loves people for loving him or whatever, and then he gets misty because he went platinum and there’s a plaque. Good for him.
Back to the groups. Kris sang an awesome “Ain’t No Sunshine” and everyone recognized, so he’s safe. Matt was bottom three and Ryan says he’ll have to take a seat again – Matt’s halfway to the loser stools before Ryan says “Psyche!” That was pretty toolish, but he’s a sprite and that’s what they do on April Fool’s. Megan’s murder of Bob Marley’s legacy was universally reviled; when Ryan reminds her of Simon’s harsh critique, she says she doesn’t really care what he says. All the judges buzz about that for a bit, and then Ryan sends Megan over to the loser stools. She decides to flap her arms and caw, some more, again, as she walks, just so we know she’s having a super time on the show.
Out of Lil, Allison, and Adam, Lil is safe, so that means Allison is not. That blows. She confesses she didn’t know her outfit was going to be so much of a conversation piece, but also declares that she will return to the spiky hair well again. “Hey, familiar chair,” she says as she joins Megan. Adam Lambert is worshipped as a god, and so he will never fail.
Ryan next tells Gokey he’s safe, and Danny smirks and nods like, “Yeah I am.” Dude, you could try. You could try to do something that makes you look less like the douche you are. You should try. He joins the safe crew and they all congratulate him with some kind of inside joke, but I can’t believe that Gokey is the kind of guy you can form an inside joke with, so I think everyone else is just being really nice the way they are.
Scott and Anoop are the final two out on stage; at this it’s fair for either of them to hit the bottom, so I’m not feeling any suspense. Kara and Paula are whispering to each other (because clearly they care), Ryan’s reading judge feedback, Simon’s staring at Ryan with his mouth open. Randy believes that Anoop’s destined for the bottom three because “Scott did his thing, man.” Anoop nods in complete agreeance, and says that watching his performance back he could understand the judges’ critiques. Ryan steers Scott towards Safety, and everybody cheers even though that means Anoop is one of the losers.
Radio Ga Ga
I don’t know this Lady Gaga, but I have a feeling she’s not an official member of the English nobility. I do like her bubble-filled piano though. Gaga has a very nice voice and a foolish way, so I think she is what Megan would be if she were allowed to go insane and have a venue. And if Megan could play the piano. Lady Gaga is also wearing an open zipper over one eye; I feel that’s noteworthy for some reason. She sings her number one hit single called “Poker Face” in a sparkly silver-fringed onesie, contrasting sharply with her backup guys in Brooks Brothers suits, while they all dance like in “Disturbia.” I wasn’t especially thrilled with it, but I definitely won’t complain because this is still a gabillion times better than those insipid viewer calls and trivia questions, so hooray for that.
While they try to clear the stage of Lady Gaga’s snail trail of sparkles and bubbles and fairy dust, Ryan asks Simon how many of the bottom three are worth saving. Simon relishes thoughts of a steak dinner as he sneers and says, “One.”
Post-commercials, Ryan directly sends Allison back to Safety. She gives Megan and Anoop big hugs and they all talk about love, and then it’s just two. Ryan quickly pronounces Megan the ultimate loser; she pulls yet another face, and then when no one is shocked or really sad, she says “It’s okay.” We know, honey. We know. She hugs Anoop, and tells him not to forget to caw, and then wants to sing. Ryan asks the judges if they’ll be using the save thingy on Megan tonight, and Simon is now mentally relishing a dinner of robins and ravens and crows as he says, “With the greatest respect, wen you said you don’t care, nor do we.” That would’ve been a nice thing if it hadn’t been so douchey. I guess Idol just can’t do nice things. So this is the end of the road for Megan. She plants herself in front of the judges’ table and proceeds to give the most awful performance yet, where she’s completely flat, with crazy vibrato going, and where she mistakenly ends early, but she does it all with a big smile on her face. Then she pronounces her love for everyone in the world, especially people who work on [i]Idol[i], and says “Baby, I’m coming home!” while pumping her fist in the air like this is a triumph. Then they play her video package and that Carrie song and she cries. Poor thing. This might’ve been a little easier for her if she’d had some Kristy Lee Cook brand self-deprecation about her, but Megan is no Kristy Lee Cook.
Anyway, it’s hard for me to care too much. Peace out, Corkrey! Have fun on the tour. Next week is the always questionable “songs from the year they were born” theme. Also known as Idol’s very own Time Life compilation! The wonderful MsFroggy and I will be back to report all the thrills the evening is sure to provide. See you then.
If you like “Songs from the Year They Were Born,” you’ll have the opportunity to audition other awesome compilations, such as “An Idol Arbor Day.” Supplies are limited; call us now!