LOL, the first thing I always see is Allison’s hair. There are only 11 contestants left, but somehow lined up on the stage they look like a million. I don’t know why this season seems so long. Alexis is a full foot shorter than anyone else, even Ryan, so she must be no more than 3 feet tall. And speaking of our host sprite, he’s dropping careful hints about an elimination that may or may not be shocking. Well, shock is always the province of Country Night, so the real shock would be if someone completely expected and deserving went home. Say, Michael. Hmm.
Thankfully we’re spared that grandiose judges’ strut to their seats on results night. 31 million votes came in last night, so there were at least 31 people out there voting. Also, the audience completely hesitates before clapping as Ryan announces Kara during the “welcome the judges” spiel. First time all season I’ve purely enjoyed an audience reaction. Also also, Paula’s blow out is so straight tonight if you tried to touch it you’d lacerate your hand.
Jukin’ the Joint
Anyhow, this week’s performance theme involved the Grand Ole Opry, but while there were definitely some goods and some bads, I didn’t come across that grand ole train wreck I always expect Country Night to deliver, so I was pretty disappointed on the whole. I therefore skipped entirely past the video recap, and urge you to do the same, because MsFroggy has cleverly nailed all the goings on in her recap.
Group sing! I hear tell that these are prerecorded and lip synced now, which would explain why they sound so much better than ever before. That’s cheating though, as part of the fun of group sings was always trying to pick out who hit the most awful notes, and who was just mumbling through without knowing the words. Ah well. There are plenty of other mock-worthy things about this show I guess. So, “Trouble” by somebody country I’m sure. We open with a galaxy of boys singing around Scott at the piano, and then a galaxy of girls take stage front. Everybody’s spelling out T-R-O-U-B-L-E and wiggling around because it’s a honky-tonk kind of a night, baby. The choreography on this one is actually really fun, the way everybody files in and out of frame and pairs off to sing to each other like an old MGM musical instead of a Disney cavalcade. It’s reminding me of June Allyson and Peter Lawford doing the Varsity Drag.
Buying Cars Is Our Civic Duty.
Ha-ha. Ford still has money to blow on American Idol commercials. Suck on that, GM. This week's exercise in marketing has something to do with water balloons, and Ryan relishes jiggling one for the cameras before rolling the film. He enjoys taking our minds on small journeys. The pimpmercial is some extremely repetitive song called “Here It Goes Again” and everyone throwing paint balloons at each other and ruining the finish on a fine Ford automobile. If you go to the official website and click on the magic number of ads, you’ll be the lucky winner of a fine Ford automobile and a trip to the set of a fine Ford commercial.
Didja know that even after the cameras cut off these people continue to breathe and form sentences with their mouths? Me either, so Ryan wants to educate us on what goes on after the show is finished airing. What goes on: people leave and people cry because they didn’t know anyone was really going to leave, the judges hug the people they gutted, and then everyone has dinner at a budget-friendly family style restaurant. You know, the kind with good food, good fun, and a whole lotta crazy crap on the walls. Million Dollar Birthday Fries extra. Meanwhile, back at the studio, Alexis waxes reminiscent about her love for Jasmine, and then Sarver talks some about how his kids think he is disowning them. I’m not kidding; that’s exactly what he says. And it is awkward. Like when someone sits next to you on the bus and all of a sudden starts rambling about their 6 year old kid still wanting to breastfeed, and you’re wondering if you should just get off at the next stop and walk because it’s so difficult to be sitting there listening. There’s a split second when everyone in the vicinity cringes in dismay all at the same time. But Michael says it’s all worth it and then he tells his kids he loves them, on live TV and as recorded for posterity and in perpetuity so he can’t ever take it back. Everyone’s so afraid of Megan’s creepy flu cooties that they don masks like geeks whenever she’s around, except when it’s live TV and the images will live on in perpetuity.
Ring of Fire
Results Circus! Danny Gokey is wearing “serious face,” (and his serious black glasses) but he has made the tour and he knows it. So has Lil, in spite of being dressed like Diana Ross as Dorothy for no reason in the world. ANOOOP is in too, but then we get to Allison and Michael, who both have fans but I don’t think they have superfans so who knows what’s going to happen to them. Paula doesn’t believe either of them are in the bottom 3, but Simon’s pressuring her to answer so she says Allison might be going home, but Paula thinks that’s cool because home will be new and different now that she’s been on Idol. Like maybe the kitchen will be painted yellow, or there’ll be French doors in her room. Allison is indeed in the bottom 3, and at the news she almost collapses in shock but Michael catches her and Ryan steers her toward her very own loser stool. Sarver sits down thinking that means he’s safe, but Ryan nips that surety in the bud and directs him over next to Allison. Heavy.
So to take your mind off all that self-esteem shattering, here is a Brad Paisley in a white cowboy hat singing about love and doing country with an electric guitar. You’re welcome!
I think you should watch Glee.
Back to the results. Scott, Megan Matt, Kris, Alexis, Adam, a lovely bunch of coconuts all in a row. This should be pretty easy to figure out. Of note: somebody finally wrassled Scott’s hair to the ground – I like to imagine little pomade soldiers rushing his head and whipping each wayward strand into shape. That makes it fun to think about. Obviously little Alexis is the odd girl out; Adam gives her a squeeze while Ryan dooms her to join awkward Alexis and goofy Sarver on the loser stools. Oh, but before that happens, Ryan tosses it to Randy so he can say more about how much awesome Adam carries around in his bangs. Randy stumbles around a Jeff Buckley comparison and then visibly struggles with remembering Alexis’ name before calling her Allison. I mean, dude. There are 11 of them. Clearly “Memory” is not his middle name. Nor “Paying Attention to Your Job and Surroundings”. It’s probably something like Leroy. Anyway, Alexis rounding out the bottom 3. Ryan sends Allison back to safety and the tour straight away, and then we’re down to Alexis and Sarver and there’s also that Judges’ Save thing which neither of them has a lude’s chance in Paula’s purse of ever capturing but we must mention anyway since it’s a thing.
Hush My Mouth
Seems like the perfect time for some Carrie Underwood! She’s singing along with this week’s congenial mentor, Mr. “You Give Randy a Good Name” Travis. I've always really liked him, without knowing a one of his songs. That’s an accomplishment. Carrie’s got serious Wynette hair going, and Randy looks like he was already on his way to a budget-friendly family style restaurant but then they asked him to perform. They do a duet called “I Told You So,” with just Randy on guitar, and it is lovely. I say this as someone who doesn’t really know country, but I know lovely, so there you go.
Apparently the judges are never listening to anything, but always talking. For instance, during the Trunderwood duet they were talking about how they would maybe save one of the bottom two, but they’re not telling who.
After commercials, the lights are dimmed but Ryan wastes no time in eliminating Alexis and sending Michael back to safety. This is not shocking, no matter which way you slice it. Turns out the judges were considering saving Alexis, so her life is on the line as she takes the stage to reprise her version of “Jolene.” If she sings at less than 50 miles an hour, she’ll die. I’m finding it extremely unsettling to watch Alexis turn the begging in the story into begging to stay on the show. The judges are all huddled and only Randy looks to be watching; maybe he’s waiting for her to drop her name. Bless his heart. Then Alexis is done singing and they refuse to save her. I hope we’re not going to have to go through this rigmarole every week. The whole save thing will never be suspenseful, and it’s pretty brutal to watch these folks be rejected twice in a span of five minutes. Alexis’ goodbye package plays, featuring copious amounts of her adorable daughter; Alexis herself looks sad but not too sad, so that’s nice.
Next week, Obamania strikes Idol once again and the show temporarily moves to Wednesday and Thursday. We’re taking on the music of Motown!