AI8 – 3/10 Recap: A Thriller Night

[MotherSister]

Why did it take eight seasons for this show to give us a Michael Jackson theme night? Surely the King of Pop would’ve been willing to capitalize sooner. Maybe they were just waiting for a year to go by without him doing something insane. But whatever the reason, I hope this isn’t the last MJ night, because for the most part his catalogue fit the contestants like a white, be-rhinestoned glove. Or a snug pair of glittery socks.

Can You Feel It?

Also, here’s yet another Season 8 change: the judges now get to strut out on the catwalk at the top of the show and have their names announced and their hair whipped by fans like something they do is important. And Ryan gets to descend to the stage from a lighted crystal staircase. They’re really trying to take on Top Model in the ridiculously overinflated sense of importance stakes, aren’t they? Well, you’ve got a bit of work to do before you can reach Tyra levels, show. But you’re gaining on her.

Kara thinks she’s going to have to be tougher on the contestants now that there are only 13 of them instead of a billion. So I guess we’ll no longer be finding out where anyone shops. A cockatoo flew smack into Paula’s dining room wall earlier, and she was so upset she made a dress out of his feathers and her wallpaper. Simon wants people not to forget the words and do whatever Paula says. Also, as Simon informs us, it turns out we’re getting rid of two people this week and it’ll be just like that Top 13 stunt never happened, except for all the talking they did about it.

So They Call Her Mouth a Motor

Big, big stage. Everybody but Adam is completely confused about when to walk across the stage to get their introduction, so everybody but Adam is kind of endearing there. And then there’s a short package all about how Mike is/was The King of Pop and nothing about all the insane/creepy stuff we know he’s done or the illegal stuff we’re not sure about. Moonwalk though. We’ve always got that.

Lil Rounds up at the top of the show! Whoever cut her hair is my worst enemy because I now waste hours of my precious, precious life trying to figure out why her bangs are nineteen inches longer than the rest of her hair, when it’s supposed to be the other way around. Also, she’s from Memphis. Blues and barbecue. And babies. She and her husband and kids had to move into one of those “rent by the month” hotels because a tornado took their home away.

I think that evil tornado also took all her clothes and only left her with white mom jeans and half of Dawn Weiner’s prom dress. There’s no other explanation for what she’s wearing tonight as she sings “The Way You Make Me Feel.” The singing is pretty good though. A little forced, a little wobbly from nerves but still good, because Lil has that excellent, excellent voice. She seems to be one of what I call the lucky ones, people whose voices just go on like machines – so even if they’re feeling horrible, or nervous, etc. the voice is still there. Kara thinks Lil was a perfect tone-setter for the evening, and she wants Lil’s voice on the radio. Like people listen to the radio anymore. Paula actually gives the show’s Glam Squad props for sticking a pink ruffle the size of a baby on Lil’s shoulder, but you have to remember Paula’s currently wearing a cockatoo herself. She also says Lil sings like an angel. Simon’s not so keen on the clothes or the performance, but he offers to sort out the clothes part. Kind of him.

Healing the World

Scott went blind when he was a baby, but he was an adorable baby who played the piano so his parents were like, cool. Also his sister is kind of blind, and no one has cut his hair in like ten years, but they really need to get on that right away. Tonight, Scott’s singing “Keep the Faith” at the piano which should make Kara super happy. Not me though. I mean, this is a song that was everywhere when I was in 4th grade, and I loved it then but had forgotten all about it until tonight so I’m happy to be reminded, but otherwise, Scott makes me sad.

Rarely, okay never do I use the phrase “keep it real,” but there is just no other way to describe how I feel about Scott on this show. I am waiting on frickin’ tenterhooks for someone to tell this boy that his singing is not up to par. Vocally, his “Keep the Faith” was awful. I am not biased against him. I think he’s an excellent guy. I wish I could play the piano as well as he does. But I would never, ever aspire to sing like Scott. He is not a good singer. And deep in your heart you know it’s true.

Kara wants us all to know that he just learned the score for the song this week, but how well he plays the piano is not at issue here, so whatever, Kara. She also goes on and on about Scott bringing us all hope, and I want to shake her. Paula uses her time to show us Siedah Garrett in the audience because she wrote the song; Siedah is definitely clapping and smiling, but in a “what am I doing on camera?” way. Paula takes that as evidence that she loved Scott’s performance, but Simon is his usual contrary self – he doesn’t go after Scott’s singing though; he only dings him for singing a song no one knows. Hey, I knew it! I also know every single Michael Jackson song ever, so. Scott interjects that he was “trying to be creative.” Simon says that’s stupid on this show and everyone of course hisses at him, but, duh.

Did I Leave Your Mind When I Was Gone?

Wisconsin boy Danny Gokey is up now. His father’s talking about how Danny is always singing and making people happy, and going to church. Danny’s talking about how he is always singing and having dreams of being a singer. Black glasses in the clip package, red glasses on stage, so take a drink. That might help you enjoy his “PYT” a bit better. Not that it’s awful, but from the drippy smooth jazz brunch opening to the Taylor Hicks ™ brand hollering that accompanied the uptempo section, it was a pretty jarring performance on the whole. Worked my nerves a little bit. I am glad though that I was able to see Danny on TV for a full five minutes without hearing the words “inspire” or “message.” I’ll take what blessings I can get.

Paula raves because she thinks Danny’s going to win; Danny chuckles abashedly. Simon calls his vocals “brilliant” and makes allusions to Michael McDonald, but ribs him for the dancing, and then Danny dances while talking about how he can’t dance. Kara: “Joy. You have joy. You are joyous, joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart.” And then Danny talks about how he can’t dance to music because all he knows is church.

You Can’t Win

Meanwhile, Michael Sarver went back to his Oil Rig and talked to his Oil Rig Buddies. I didn’t know he was from Jasper. If he weren’t, it might’ve been nice to see all this hometown footage but there go all of these shots of Jasper roads. I fast forwarded.

Michael sings “You Are Not Alone,” sitting on the steps and looking very sincerely into the camera. It’s not a bad rendition, but nothing remarkable happens. There are some cool improvisations near the end, but it’s a bit dull overall. Simon tells Maichael that he’s not the best singer, but on the “passion,” and “heart” stakes, he’s 110%. Then he makes a crack about how “Oil Rig” Michael is, and Michael’s like, “Okay, that’s my job.” Kara thinks that tonight Michael showed off his singing voice, and congratulates him for taking the show seriously. Paula babbles for a minute while she’s trying to get her thoughts together, and then she says that by picking a “calm” song, Michael was able to color it up, and she approves. Michael admits to Ryan that he’d much rather be getting nonsense from the judges than wasting away in his blue Oil Rig coveralls, and then the crowd goes wild for him. He nods and smiles and says, “Thank you very much.” Aw. I like him a lot. I wish he were from somewhere else.

Jasmine sounds like no one from Mississippi that I have ever, ever, ever known as she chats with Ryan and fails to say anything interesting about free clothes and makeup artists. And here are the million members of her adorable family back again to talk in her video about how much they love Jasmine and how rich she makes their lives. Then Jasmine sings “I’ll Be There,” because she somehow figured out that my brain needed a rest, and she’s a very obliging girl. Nothing the judges say wakes me up, but I’m pretty sure they approved of her in a very sedate fashion.

Life Ain’t So Bad At All, Living Off the Wall

Super beautiful Kris Allen is on deck now. He comes from Conway, Arkansas, a town made for driving past on the way to Hot Springs. His father is musicky. His wife is adorable; they’ve only been married 5 months and then this crazy show happened. Everyone related to Kris smiles a whole lot; Kris and his wife cook dinner in matching aprons with their names on and are extremely happy without any stimuli. Kris’s whole life might actually be a toothpaste commercial.

So he sings “Remember the Time,” with his guitar, and I think it’s pretty cool that he would try to do that. You can’t hear a thing from the guitar besides the opening chords because this show’s sound mixing is for crap, and the horrible band is there in full effect being horrible. I think without the band it would’ve been awesome, because Kris’s singing is pretty awesome. His voice has a lot of verve and sounded great in this kind of swingy, breezy arrangement. Kara tells him everyone thinks he’s pretty before going on about how much she loves him playing his guitar. Then she mentions Kris helping out everyone by being impromptu practice accompanist all week and he blushes. In the midst of some stupid Simon-Paula foolywang about Paula’s dress, Paula says he could help everyone because he knows MJ’s music like a superfan. She notes Kris’s comfort with his guitar and then calls him engaging and “adorable-sexy.” Then she has a meltdown about Simon not loving her or something? I don’t know. Simon thought the guitar made things a bit clunky, and no one agrees, and then he says Kris should’ve kept the wife hidden under the apron for a few more weeks. Or maybe he should’ve just told us she’s his seamstress.

The Irahetas: An American Dream

Allison Iraheta! Her parents are from El Salvador and they worked hard to have an American Dream so that their daughter could have an American Idol dream. The show puts on subtitles when her father speaks as if he’s not speaking English? And then we see Allison singing for her family and friends on stage at a furniture store where she may or may not work, but they have a stage right there in the furniture store so who knows what’s going on.

“Give in to Me,” may well be the only Michael Jackson song I’ve never heard of, but that’s what Allison’s chosen to sing. It’s rock and roll-y, and, she’s fantastic because that’s what she is, and she even looks like an extra from a Dangerous-era Michael Jackson video in her leather jacket, grey leggings, and fifty pounds of unnecessary chains. The judges love her unconditionally. Paula can’t believe she’s 16, and she knows you won’t believe it either, and then she calls Allison a rock star. Which no 16 year old has ever been? Simon’s pleased because Allison’s picked out a nice box for herself, but then he dings her for choosing such a kind of intensely dreary song, which prompts Allison to shrug and say, “It’s not like I’m cutting myself.” Someone has clearly become more comfortable with the cameras than last we saw her.

I Just Can’t Stop Loving You

Each time the wind blows, I hear your voice so, I call your name: ANOOOP! He’s had a haircut but it didn’t do much. He’s the 13 in “Top 13,” and that makes him happy. His parents are two buttons; they show cute baby pictures of Anoop and say that since he’s an only child he is “the center of their universe.” That is extremely adorable. So clearly, Anoop has a network of people who love and support him, who can give him help when he needs it. And yet here he is anyway deciding to sing “Beat It” in a bomber jacket/dressy tie combo. I mean, why? I love you, Noop Dog, but you’ve got to do better.

To be fair to him, the performance isn’t really bad. It’s just – irrelevant is the word that keeps coming to mind. This kind of corny thing with the dancing and only making gestures toward singing will only take you so far in the competition. His new haircut is cute though. Unfortunately for Anoop, he didn’t know that whenever anyone who isn’t Michael Jackson sings “Beat It,” 40 angels are thrown into the pits of hell. Paula hates to have to be the one to tell him, but he must be informed. Simon calls him “lightweight” and says he looked stupid for trying to be like Mike. Kara felt disconnected from him while he sang. For his part, Anoop apologizes and says he will sing next time. Ryan makes Simon say they made a mistake letting him through. Anoop tries not to look crushed, but you can tell he’d like Calgon to take him away.

There’s That Anguish; There’s That Doubt

Post-commercials, Ryan’s sitting in the audience between his “Nana” and his mother. You already know everything belonging to Ryan is like cuteness concentrate, so I don’t need to describe them. Ryan makes a joke about his grandmother wanting a date with Randy Jackson of all people, but it falls a little flat because it’s Randy. Jorge! He and his big Puerto Rican family, dancing and living in Puerto Rico. Jorge’s grandfather passed away recently, and Jorge feels his tenure on the show has helped keep his family together. Because they all get together to watch him every week on TV!

“Never Can Say Goodbye.” Man. I know I ribbed Paula earlier for implying that no one can sing “Beat It,” but I’m just going to have to be a hypocrite here and say that no one can ever live up to Michael Jackson’s recording of this song. Mike, for my money, had the purest, richest pre-teen voice ever put on wax, and the conviction in his vocal on this song is just legendary. So while Jorge is by no means doing a bad job with it, I have to admit that I muted him halfway through to put on the real thing. Still, having said all that, I think the judges are utter tools to him when he finishes. I think they’re utter tools anyway, but you know. They each tell him he isn’t himself up there and the song was too old-fashioned, and Jorge starts to say something about it being Michael Jackson week and that catalogue not fitting his style. He also says that he didn’t have a choice of song. Verrrry interesting. Make of that what you will, conspiracy theorists.

She’s a Dancing Machiiine

Megan Corkrey now. She’s wearing the oddest red sleeveless dress with macrame’d sleeves, and it’s her brother’s birthday. Megan never got to be the soloist in the school choir, so she had a baby? I ‘m pretty sure that’s how that went. She loves her baby boy a whole lot, and is torn up enough about being away from him to cry about it, but she knows this will help make their lives better.

Maybe Megan was thinking about her little baby when she chose to do “Rockin’ Robin?” We’ll never know because I can’t ask her, but it’d make a lot of sense. You know what, though? I know this performance was almost universally panned, but for some reason, Megan up their doing her idiotic dancing and dropping her gravelly voice all over everything? The slightly sped up, syncopated arrangement? That all totally worked for me. I loved it. And then she ends by yelling, “Caw! Caw!” She’s on her own with that one. Kara says, “That’s So Megan.” Can we get rid of Kara next season? Or is she just a part of the show now and it’s too late? Please advise. Simon and Paula both feel Megan should’ve stretched her skills more, but Simon adds the arsenic to the sundae by calling her stupid, ridiculous, clumsy, and awkward in a space of about twenty seconds. Boy. Nobody does it better. That’s why he makes the big bucks.

Make Me Wanna Scream

We’re going deeper into Love It or Hate It territory now, with Adam Lambert. He mostly talks about trying to become a music superstar, and his parents talk about him doing that. Then he sings “Black or White.” I am on record as hating that sharpness that is so much a part of Adam’s singing voice, but at the beginning of this performance it’s actually pretty restrained, and dare I say enjoyable. Then he gets to the breakdown, the “I ain’t scared of X,” and it all goes to pot. We’re back to Exclamation Point. I wouldn’t mind so muck if it weren’t for the sharpness, but I think I’ve already said that, and now I’ll stop. Paula thinks Adam is the best stage showman there has ever been, and she thinks he and Danny Gokey are going to tie for winner. Simon compliments his over the top-ness, although earlier Anoop’s OTT made him want to throw up. Kara says Adam hit notes she didn’t even know existed. Some songwriter.

There’s a Very Strange Vibration

In his intro video, Matt plays ping pong with his dad and without a shirt; his dad cries because he loves his son that much; his mother is proud of him because she knows he’ll have a wonderful future. And then Matt is singing “Human Nature”! At the piano. I love this song. I think “If this town is just an apple, then let me take a bite,” is one of the best lyrics ever in the world. I know, right? There’s no accounting for taste. I’m not really listening to Matt so much as geeking out over the song, but even in that half and half state I can tell that Matt is strong on the piano and with the more mellifluous phrases near the start, but his vaunt into falsetto is a tragedy. Kara hopes to see Matt for many weeks because he is talented. Paula thinks though, that he is talented, sexy, amazing, and authentic, so brush up on your thesaurus reading, Kara. You’re falling behind, and there may be no more lasting shame than that of losing to Paula in a war of words.

Do not assume you know what Alexis’s number is! Do not try to figure it out from the other numbers, or your parents will be mightily ashamed of you, and you perhaps will be having new and strange questions to ask them. Meanwhile, Alexis is the second single mother from Memphis on our little show tonight. She’s similarly doing it for her baby and her dreams which are all wrapped up together into the one thing that’s urgent enough to make her sing “Dirty Diana” out here in a pair of black dukes and stilettos. This rules. Alexis has excellent control over the dynamics in this song – bombastic in all the right places and then pitch perfectly seductive leading in and out of the chorus every time. Her voice also fits this song like a glove, where I thought she was too watery to take on Aretha, here with this sort of pseudo-bluesy pop rock her voice is the best thing ever. The judges all kind of dumb down their praise for her; Kara says, “You’re naughty and I liked it.” Paula thought it was great except for when she oversang, and Simon thought it was over the top, which would be great if she were Adam, but she is not. Whatever, Simon.

Check this out though. I haven’t mentioned Randy once during this entire recap. Did you notice? It wasn’t even intentional. It just turns out that he never said one thing during the whole 2 hour show that I thought was worth writing down, either to pick at or to agree with. Isn’t that something? Yeah. Annnnyway. They’re teasing something about changing up the rules, but I’ve been blessed with a DVR cut off yet again, so I missed all the intrigue. My faithful partner MsFroggy will no doubt have all the scoop ready for you with a cherry on top, so I strongly advise you to stick around for it.

Randy vs. Kara. Who’s less relevant? Discuss.

[Google]

 

[famita]

Wonderful recap! You caught in a nutshell what my problem is w/the judges. They are not consistant... except for Randy.

[lildago]

A cockatoo flew smack into Paula’s dining room wall earlier, and she was so upset she made a dress out of his feathers and her wallpaper.

Hilarious! Awesome recap, MS!

[MsFroggy]

A cockatoo flew smack into Paula’s dining room wall earlier, and she was so upset she made a dress out of his feathers and her wallpaper.

Paula actually gives the show’s Glam Squad props for sticking a pink ruffle the size of a baby on Lil’s shoulder, but you have to remember Paula’s currently wearing a cockatoo herself.

Kris’s whole life might actually be a toothpaste commercial.

There are many more but I got tired of copy/pasting. Awesomeness tied with a bow, MS!

PS. Kara wins the Articulate, Sober and Annoying award while Paula wins the Inarticulate, Drunk and Annoying award. don't know which is worse.

[waywyrd]

A cockatoo flew smack into Paula’s dining room wall earlier, and she was so upset she made a dress out of his feathers and her wallpaper.

So that's where that monstrosity came from.

Fantastic, Randy-less recap, MS!

[Bonbonlover]

Can we get rid of Kara next season? Or is she just a part of the show now and it’s too late?

I've been wondering the same thing...

[AsIs]

Awesome recap! You bring the best snark!

Yo Dawg! Randy is less relevant. I did notice there were some pitchys missing in the recap!

[AJane]

A cockatoo flew smack into Paula’s dining room wall earlier, and she was so upset she made a dress out of his feathers and her wallpaper.

So that's what happened. I know three other people quoted this line already but it's just that good. Great job, MS.

[Dellzip]

Originally Posted by MotherSister

Why did it take eight seasons for this show to give us a Michael Jackson theme night? Surely the King of Pop would’ve been willing to capitalize sooner. Maybe they were just waiting for a year to go by without him doing something insane. But whatever the reason, I hope this isn’t the last MJ night, because for the most part his catalogue fit the contestants like a white, be-rhinestoned glove. Or a snug pair of glittery socks.

Can You Feel It?

Also, here’s yet another Season 8 change: the judges now get to strut out on the catwalk at the top of the show and have their names announced and their hair whipped by fans like something they do is important. And Ryan gets to descend to the stage from a lighted crystal staircase. They’re really trying to take on Top Model in the ridiculously overinflated sense of importance stakes, aren’t they? Well, you’ve got a bit of work to do before you can reach Tyra levels, show. But you’re gaining on her.

Kara thinks she’s going to have to be tougher on the contestants now that there are only 13 of them instead of a billion. So I guess we’ll no longer be finding out where anyone shops. A cockatoo flew smack into Paula’s dining room wall earlier, and she was so upset she made a dress out of his feathers and her wallpaper. Simon wants people not to forget the words and do whatever Paula says. Also, as Simon informs us, it turns out we’re getting rid of two people this week and it’ll be just like that Top 13 stunt never happened, except for all the talking they did about it.

So They Call Her Mouth a Motor

Big, big stage. Everybody but Adam is completely confused about when to walk across the stage to get their introduction, so everybody but Adam is kind of endearing there. And then there’s a short package all about how Mike is/was The King of Pop and nothing about all the insane/creepy stuff we know he’s done or the illegal stuff we’re not sure about. Moonwalk though. We’ve always got that.

Lil Rounds up at the top of the show! Whoever cut her hair is my worst enemy because I now waste hours of my precious, precious life trying to figure out why her bangs are nineteen inches longer than the rest of her hair, when it’s supposed to be the other way around. Also, she’s from Memphis. Blues and barbecue. And babies. She and her husband and kids had to move into one of those “rent by the month” hotels because a tornado took their home away.

I think that evil tornado also took all her clothes and only left her with white mom jeans and half of Dawn Weiner’s prom dress. There’s no other explanation for what she’s wearing tonight as she sings “The Way You Make Me Feel.” The singing is pretty good though. A little forced, a little wobbly from nerves but still good, because Lil has that excellent, excellent voice. She seems to be one of what I call the lucky ones, people whose voices just go on like machines – so even if they’re feeling horrible, or nervous, etc. the voice is still there. Kara thinks Lil was a perfect tone-setter for the evening, and she wants Lil’s voice on the radio. Like people listen to the radio anymore. Paula actually gives the show’s Glam Squad props for sticking a pink ruffle the size of a baby on Lil’s shoulder, but you have to remember Paula’s currently wearing a cockatoo herself. She also says Lil sings like an angel. Simon’s not so keen on the clothes or the performance, but he offers to sort out the clothes part. Kind of him.

Healing the World

Scott went blind when he was a baby, but he was an adorable baby who played the piano so his parents were like, cool. Also his sister is kind of blind, and no one has cut his hair in like ten years, but they really need to get on that right away. Tonight, Scott’s singing “Keep the Faith” at the piano which should make Kara super happy. Not me though. I mean, this is a song that was everywhere when I was in 4th grade, and I loved it then but had forgotten all about it until tonight so I’m happy to be reminded, but otherwise, Scott makes me sad.

Rarely, okay never do I use the phrase “keep it real,” but there is just no other way to describe how I feel about Scott on this show. I am waiting on frickin’ tenterhooks for someone to tell this boy that his singing is not up to par. Vocally, his “Keep the Faith” was awful. I am not biased against him. I think he’s an excellent guy. I wish I could play the piano as well as he does. But I would never, ever aspire to sing like Scott. He is not a good singer. And deep in your heart you know it’s true.

Kara wants us all to know that he just learned the score for the song this week, but how well he plays the piano is not at issue here, so whatever, Kara. She also goes on and on about Scott bringing us all hope, and I want to shake her. Paula uses her time to show us Siedah Garrett in the audience because she wrote the song; Siedah is definitely clapping and smiling, but in a “what am I doing on camera?” way. Paula takes that as evidence that she loved Scott’s performance, but Simon is his usual contrary self – he doesn’t go after Scott’s singing though; he only dings him for singing a song no one knows. Hey, I knew it! I also know every single Michael Jackson song ever, so. Scott interjects that he was “trying to be creative.” Simon says that’s stupid on this show and everyone of course hisses at him, but, duh.

Did I Leave Your Mind When I Was Gone?

Wisconsin boy Danny Gokey is up now. His father’s talking about how Danny is always singing and making people happy, and going to church. Danny’s talking about how he is always singing and having dreams of being a singer. Black glasses in the clip package, red glasses on stage, so take a drink. That might help you enjoy his “PYT” a bit better. Not that it’s awful, but from the drippy smooth jazz brunch opening to the Taylor Hicks ™ brand hollering that accompanied the uptempo section, it was a pretty jarring performance on the whole. Worked my nerves a little bit. I am glad though that I was able to see Danny on TV for a full five minutes without hearing the words “inspire” or “message.” I’ll take what blessings I can get.

Paula raves because she thinks Danny’s going to win; Danny chuckles abashedly. Simon calls his vocals “brilliant” and makes allusions to Michael McDonald, but ribs him for the dancing, and then Danny dances while talking about how he can’t dance. Kara: “Joy. You have joy. You are joyous, joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart.” And then Danny talks about how he can’t dance to music because all he knows is church.

You Can’t Win

Meanwhile, Michael Sarver went back to his Oil Rig and talked to his Oil Rig Buddies. I didn’t know he was from Jasper. If he weren’t, it might’ve been nice to see all this hometown footage but there go all of these shots of Jasper roads. I fast forwarded.

Michael sings “You Are Not Alone,” sitting on the steps and looking very sincerely into the camera. It’s not a bad rendition, but nothing remarkable happens. There are some cool improvisations near the end, but it’s a bit dull overall. Simon tells Maichael that he’s not the best singer, but on the “passion,” and “heart” stakes, he’s 110%. Then he makes a crack about how “Oil Rig” Michael is, and Michael’s like, “Okay, that’s my job.” Kara thinks that tonight Michael showed off his singing voice, and congratulates him for taking the show seriously. Paula babbles for a minute while she’s trying to get her thoughts together, and then she says that by picking a “calm” song, Michael was able to color it up, and she approves. Michael admits to Ryan that he’d much rather be getting nonsense from the judges than wasting away in his blue Oil Rig coveralls, and then the crowd goes wild for him. He nods and smiles and says, “Thank you very much.” Aw. I like him a lot. I wish he were from somewhere else.

Jasmine sounds like no one from Mississippi that I have ever, ever, ever known as she chats with Ryan and fails to say anything interesting about free clothes and makeup artists. And here are the million members of her adorable family back again to talk in her video about how much they love Jasmine and how rich she makes their lives. Then Jasmine sings “I’ll Be There,” because she somehow figured out that my brain needed a rest, and she’s a very obliging girl. Nothing the judges say wakes me up, but I’m pretty sure they approved of her in a very sedate fashion.

Life Ain’t So Bad At All, Living Off the Wall

Super beautiful Kris Allen is on deck now. He comes from Conway, Arkansas, a town made for driving past on the way to Hot Springs. His father is musicky. His wife is adorable; they’ve only been married 5 months and then this crazy show happened. Everyone related to Kris smiles a whole lot; Kris and his wife cook dinner in matching aprons with their names on and are extremely happy without any stimuli. Kris’s whole life might actually be a toothpaste commercial.

So he sings “Remember the Time,” with his guitar, and I think it’s pretty cool that he would try to do that. You can’t hear a thing from the guitar besides the opening chords because this show’s sound mixing is for crap, and the horrible band is there in full effect being horrible. I think without the band it would’ve been awesome, because Kris’s singing is pretty awesome. His voice has a lot of verve and sounded great in this kind of swingy, breezy arrangement. Kara tells him everyone thinks he’s pretty before going on about how much she loves him playing his guitar. Then she mentions Kris helping out everyone by being impromptu practice accompanist all week and he blushes. In the midst of some stupid Simon-Paula foolywang about Paula’s dress, Paula says he could help everyone because he knows MJ’s music like a superfan. She notes Kris’s comfort with his guitar and then calls him engaging and “adorable-sexy.” Then she has a meltdown about Simon not loving her or something? I don’t know. Simon thought the guitar made things a bit clunky, and no one agrees, and then he says Kris should’ve kept the wife hidden under the apron for a few more weeks. Or maybe he should’ve just told us she’s his seamstress.

The Irahetas: An American Dream

Allison Iraheta! Her parents are from El Salvador and they worked hard to have an American Dream so that their daughter could have an American Idol dream. The show puts on subtitles when her father speaks as if he’s not speaking English? And then we see Allison singing for her family and friends on stage at a furniture store where she may or may not work, but they have a stage right there in the furniture store so who knows what’s going on.

“Give in to Me,” may well be the only Michael Jackson song I’ve never heard of, but that’s what Allison’s chosen to sing. It’s rock and roll-y, and, she’s fantastic because that’s what she is, and she even looks like an extra from a Dangerous-era Michael Jackson video in her leather jacket, grey leggings, and fifty pounds of unnecessary chains. The judges love her unconditionally. Paula can’t believe she’s 16, and she knows you won’t believe it either, and then she calls Allison a rock star. Which no 16 year old has ever been? Simon’s pleased because Allison’s picked out a nice box for herself, but then he dings her for choosing such a kind of intensely dreary song, which prompts Allison to shrug and say, “It’s not like I’m cutting myself.” Someone has clearly become more comfortable with the cameras than last we saw her.

I Just Can’t Stop Loving You

Each time the wind blows, I hear your voice so, I call your name: ANOOOP! He’s had a haircut but it didn’t do much. He’s the 13 in “Top 13,” and that makes him happy. His parents are two buttons; they show cute baby pictures of Anoop and say that since he’s an only child he is “the center of their universe.” That is extremely adorable. So clearly, Anoop has a network of people who love and support him, who can give him help when he needs it. And yet here he is anyway deciding to sing “Beat It” in a bomber jacket/dressy tie combo. I mean, why? I love you, Noop Dog, but you’ve got to do better.

To be fair to him, the performance isn’t really bad. It’s just – irrelevant is the word that keeps coming to mind. This kind of corny thing with the dancing and only making gestures toward singing will only take you so far in the competition. His new haircut is cute though. Unfortunately for Anoop, he didn’t know that whenever anyone who isn’t Michael Jackson sings “Beat It,” 40 angels are thrown into the pits of hell. Paula hates to have to be the one to tell him, but he must be informed. Simon calls him “lightweight” and says he looked stupid for trying to be like Mike. Kara felt disconnected from him while he sang. For his part, Anoop apologizes and says he will sing next time. Ryan makes Simon say they made a mistake letting him through. Anoop tries not to look crushed, but you can tell he’d like Calgon to take him away.

There’s That Anguish; There’s That Doubt

Post-commercials, Ryan’s sitting in the audience between his “Nana” and his mother. You already know everything belonging to Ryan is like cuteness concentrate, so I don’t need to describe them. Ryan makes a joke about his grandmother wanting a date with Randy Jackson of all people, but it falls a little flat because it’s Randy. Jorge! He and his big Puerto Rican family, dancing and living in Puerto Rico. Jorge’s grandfather passed away recently, and Jorge feels his tenure on the show has helped keep his family together. Because they all get together to watch him every week on TV!

“Never Can Say Goodbye.” Man. I know I ribbed Paula earlier for implying that no one can sing “Beat It,” but I’m just going to have to be a hypocrite here and say that no one can ever live up to Michael Jackson’s recording of this song. Mike, for my money, had the purest, richest pre-teen voice ever put on wax, and the conviction in his vocal on this song is just legendary. So while Jorge is by no means doing a bad job with it, I have to admit that I muted him halfway through to put on the real thing. Still, having said all that, I think the judges are utter tools to him when he finishes. I think they’re utter tools anyway, but you know. They each tell him he isn’t himself up there and the song was too old-fashioned, and Jorge starts to say something about it being Michael Jackson week and that catalogue not fitting his style. He also says that he didn’t have a choice of song. Verrrry interesting. Make of that what you will, conspiracy theorists.

She’s a Dancing Machiiine

Megan Corkrey now. She’s wearing the oddest red sleeveless dress with macrame’d sleeves, and it’s her brother’s birthday. Megan never got to be the soloist in the school choir, so she had a baby? I ‘m pretty sure that’s how that went. She loves her baby boy a whole lot, and is torn up enough about being away from him to cry about it, but she knows this will help make their lives better.

Maybe Megan was thinking about her little baby when she chose to do “Rockin’ Robin?” We’ll never know because I can’t ask her, but it’d make a lot of sense. You know what, though? I know this performance was almost universally panned, but for some reason, Megan up their doing her idiotic dancing and dropping her gravelly voice all over everything? The slightly sped up, syncopated arrangement? That all totally worked for me. I loved it. And then she ends by yelling, “Caw! Caw!” She’s on her own with that one. Kara says, “That’s So Megan.” Can we get rid of Kara next season? Or is she just a part of the show now and it’s too late? Please advise. Simon and Paula both feel Megan should’ve stretched her skills more, but Simon adds the arsenic to the sundae by calling her stupid, ridiculous, clumsy, and awkward in a space of about twenty seconds. Boy. Nobody does it better. That’s why he makes the big bucks.

Make Me Wanna Scream

We’re going deeper into Love It or Hate It territory now, with Adam Lambert. He mostly talks about trying to become a music superstar, and his parents talk about him doing that. Then he sings “Black or White.” I am on record as hating that sharpness that is so much a part of Adam’s singing voice, but at the beginning of this performance it’s actually pretty restrained, and dare I say enjoyable. Then he gets to the breakdown, the “I ain’t scared of X,” and it all goes to pot. We’re back to Exclamation Point. I wouldn’t mind so muck if it weren’t for the sharpness, but I think I’ve already said that, and now I’ll stop. Paula thinks Adam is the best stage showman there has ever been, and she thinks he and Danny Gokey are going to tie for winner. Simon compliments his over the top-ness, although earlier Anoop’s OTT made him want to throw up. Kara says Adam hit notes she didn’t even know existed. Some songwriter.

There’s a Very Strange Vibration

In his intro video, Matt plays ping pong with his dad and without a shirt; his dad cries because he loves his son that much; his mother is proud of him because she knows he’ll have a wonderful future. And then Matt is singing “Human Nature”! At the piano. I love this song. I think “If this town is just an apple, then let me take a bite,” is one of the best lyrics ever in the world. I know, right? There’s no accounting for taste. I’m not really listening to Matt so much as geeking out over the song, but even in that half and half state I can tell that Matt is strong on the piano and with the more mellifluous phrases near the start, but his vaunt into falsetto is a tragedy. Kara hopes to see Matt for many weeks because he is talented. Paula thinks though, that he is talented, sexy, amazing, and authentic, so brush up on your thesaurus reading, Kara. You’re falling behind, and there may be no more lasting shame than that of losing to Paula in a war of words.

Do not assume you know what Alexis’s number is! Do not try to figure it out from the other numbers, or your parents will be mightily ashamed of you, and you perhaps will be having new and strange questions to ask them. Meanwhile, Alexis is the second single mother from Memphis on our little show tonight. She’s similarly doing it for her baby and her dreams which are all wrapped up together into the one thing that’s urgent enough to make her sing “Dirty Diana” out here in a pair of black dukes and stilettos. This rules. Alexis has excellent control over the dynamics in this song – bombastic in all the right places and then pitch perfectly seductive leading in and out of the chorus every time. Her voice also fits this song like a glove, where I thought she was too watery to take on Aretha, here with this sort of pseudo-bluesy pop rock her voice is the best thing ever. The judges all kind of dumb down their praise for her; Kara says, “You’re naughty and I liked it.” Paula thought it was great except for when she oversang, and Simon thought it was over the top, which would be great if she were Adam, but she is not. Whatever, Simon.

Check this out though. I haven’t mentioned Randy once during this entire recap. Did you notice? It wasn’t even intentional. It just turns out that he never said one thing during the whole 2 hour show that I thought was worth writing down, either to pick at or to agree with. Isn’t that something? Yeah. Annnnyway. They’re teasing something about changing up the rules, but I’ve been blessed with a DVR cut off yet again, so I missed all the intrigue. My faithful partner MsFroggy will no doubt have all the scoop ready for you with a cherry on top, so I strongly advise you to stick around for it.

Randy vs. Kara. Who’s less relevant? Discuss.

Greatness!

[TeacherLady]

I read online somewhere yesterday that due to Michael Jackson's untimely and unexpected death, Fox is going to re-run the Michael Jackson Night episode of AI 8.

First thought: Isn't that nice?

Second thought: Oh, no! We have to watch Anoop do "Beat It" again! ARRGGH!

Third thought: Oh, no! We have to watch Megan do "Rockin' Robin" again! Double ARRGGH!