Four score and seven years agoSomething like a month ago, we began on this our seventh journey into the land of televised talent superstardom. After week upon tedious week of smug criticisms, censored profanities, tear-jerking back-stories, and guys with creepy fingernails it’s now time to see who our three “judges” have chosen to make it to the big show. The force of fate is hanging heavy all around us; I feel like a little kid with a box full of green army men all my very own. I can’t wait! I’m practically jumping up and down and mincing my hands over here, so let’s hurry up and finally find out whose lives we get to control for the next 5 months!
Also, please, please, pretty please go see Jumper, or else the world will end.
It’s early morning on this morning of life-changing, and the judges are still making their final decisions. Ryan yet again attributes all the dithering to this being the “most talented” group of dreamers ever! I love how they don’t say that every season. It’s like the show’s admitting that some of these years kinda sucked. Oh, American Idol.
Now we’re down to it. The portent. The drama. The Elevator of Destiny! First up is some guy I’ve never, ever seen, and I won’t ever see again. Ronald Hodge got straight up laughed at by Paula during his Hollywood journey, so you know he’s toast. Poor thing; he tries not to cry as he says he has no idea what to do with his life now. I try not to cry at the thought that he might be serious. Next, a couple of pretty girls named Nina, Lisa and Mycale get rejected, but I guess we’re not supposed to care.
Yet another lengthy package recounting Carly Smithson’s dramatic journey through the Idol machine. She’s nervous and misty, but she pretty much rocked her Hollywood audition hardcore so I don’t know what she’s worried about. Paula gets to deliver her news, so you know it takes like an hour for Carly to find out that she’s through to the semifinals, but once she does find out she’s all big smiles and happy tears black eyeliner and more tears. She gets a total ovation once back downstairs, and a hug from Ryan who’s got a proud papa look on his face, which either means Carly’s a very nice girl, or she promised all these people a piece of her signing bonus. Either way, the ovation’s nice to see.
Six Degrees of Agitation
David Cook made it through, even though Simon thinks he’s nothing without a guitar. Rawkin Amanda did her bluesy bar thing all over the Hollywood stage and looked a million years old and worlds out of place, but she set Paula’s heart afire, so she’s in. More failure: Brandon Greene, Amanda Hawkins and Buck (Buck?) Smith all bite the dust in a pretty insignificant way. But little
engine that couldDavid Archuleta, who sang his heart out on “Heaven,” gets the good news, after Simon dwelling lengthily on the fact that David is only 16. I hope that we never hear that again.
Kristy Lee Cook is inconsistent, but she’s on the show anyway. Brooke White is nervy and quirky, with killer 1985 Madonna bangs, but even all of that awesomeness couldn’t keep her from breaking down into a puddle of tears before she can even get into the decision room. She walks in all a-tremble, with red, watery eyes and a wavery voice, and get this, smiles at the judges and says “I feel great! This has been really amazing.” I can’t do anything less than pledge my devotion to her. The judges grab hold of Brooke’s emotional baggage and won’t let go; her fakeout lasts forever, as Randy says stuff like they’re not sure if she can handle this, and Simon’s like “If we say no, it means no.” Before she completely eveaporates, Randy tells her she’s through. Posey, cutesy annoying little Danny Noriega is also in, as well as some guy named Jason and some guy named Luke who I’ve never seen before in life. Alexandrea Lushington is in as well. Young Ramiele has to submit to the indignity of Paula calling her Rommely before hearing that her awesome Hollywood performance was awesome enough to get her on the show. Syesha Mercado is really happy for her too, and somehow that makes me less happy.
Lorena Pinot is quickly rejected with good grace, and Drew Poppelmeier doesn’t mind getting cut, because he’ll be back home in time for
rabbit season duck seasonturkey season. I like his sense of perspective.
Stoics, Hams, and Hard Lucks
Australian Michael Johns has got his philosophy all together too. Now that all the work’s done, he’s totally nonchalant about the final decision. I sort of want him on the show forever, just because I think it’d be nice to have someone so obviously not care about whatever ridiculous thing the judges say. Lucky for me, Michael is also pretty good at this singing thing. His Hollywood rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody” was good enough not to make me wish the reanimated corpse of Freddie Mercury would rise and smite him, and that’s saying something. It’s fun to see the judges try to rile Michael up as he stares blankly and blinks in response. Eventually, Paula caves and tells him that he’s made the top 24, and then he’s really happy. Me too.
Our old friend Syesha lost her voice during Hollywood, and acted like it was a surprise instead of the natural consequence of her using her throat to bellow like a foghorn all the time and call it singing. Y’all I’m trying to get the vehemence out so I’ll be nice and indifferent toward her once the real deal starts, so please bear with me. Anyway, then she sang “Chain of Fools,” with no sincerity or anything, but lots of volume, and everyone liked it. Paula wants to play a spelling game, because inside she’s like 6 and a half, so she asks Syesha to spell her name and see what word lies within. It takes Syesha a moment to get to the Y-E-S, but when she does, she does some happy dance of appreciation that I just don’t buy, and goes downstairs to rejoice. Also, this section is sounding mighty bitter so I will say something complimentary: Syesha’s hair is really gorgeous.
Also successful: former boy-bander Robbie Carrico. Garrett Haley has Nelson’s old hair, but he’s in too, as well as Kady Malloy, the adorable Chikeze Eze, Amy Davis, Alaina Whitaker, and Jason Yeager. I recognize only two of those names, and that’s too bad.
Asia’h Apperson, she of the superfluous apostrophe, has had a hard road to Idoldom. But Paula can barely contain her mirth as she asks Asia’h how she thinks she has done. Asia’h modestly says she thinks she’s done all right. I agree; her “I’m Going Down” in Hollywood was worlds better than her initial audition, and apparently one of the best Hollywood had to offer us this season. She’s through no question.
David Hernandez is through too. Little Lamb, also known as Josiah Leming is next to learn his fate. Despite sucking out loud in his final bow before the judges, Josiah says he thinks they’re going to send him on to the real stage. This kid. I’d like him a whole lot more if he weren’t so impressed by his own middling abilities and “guts,” but he is, so I don’t. Ah well. The judges reject him, and he sits there until they start pouring praises on him, and then he leaves and is very sad. Now I kind of feel bad for feeling this way, but honesty is the best policy after all, so: All right! Josiah’s gone and I never have to see, speak of, or hear tell of him again. Awesome.
The Final Countdown
Now we’re down to the two by twos, and boy are they un-tense. First up, we’ve got Colton Berry, who’s cute enough to sing a Disney song unashamedly, against geeky little Kyle. Simon loves Kyle, it’s true, but no way will his nerd-fro and squint and Frank Grimes glasses beat Disney. In the battle of cute vs. cute, Disney always wins. I think they got that written into the Constitution or something. So, Colton’s through and Kyle is not, but Simon takes the opportunity to reassure Kyle and proclaim that he is special and darling and one of God’s own creatures under the rainbow. What the heck is up with him this season? Kyle’s blushing like crazy, which is way endearing and sad, and then everyone hugs, and then they remember to congratulate Colton for actually winning.
Our final ladies are Joanne the model, and Cardin the musician. Sounds about right. They were both edging a little too close to crappy during the Hollywood round, but in the cold light of the judging room, what matters is the degree of pageant-ness. So when Randy asks our two last girls how they feel about the week and Cardin says she’s emotionally tired and Joanna says she fell back in love with singing, I think we all know who’s coming out on top. Cardin tries to hug Joanna and be congenial, which is nice of her considering she’s just had her heart broken.
Well, all right! We’re down to 24. Batting for the Gentlemens are David Archuleta, Colton Berry, Robbie Carrico, Jason Castro, David Cook, Chikeze Eze, Garret Haley, David Hernandez, Michael Johns, Luke Menard, Danny Noriega, and Jason Yeager. Up to the plate for the Lay-dees we have: Joanne Borgella, Kristy Lee Cook, Amy Davis, Asia’h Epperson, Alexandrea Lushington, Ramiele Malubay, Syesha Mercado, Amanda Overmeyer, Kady Malloy, Carly Smithson, Alaina Whitaker, and Brooke White.
Yeager-meisters, Eze Riders, Haley’s Comets, Malubians, why, the fan possibilities are endless. Let’s get those domains bought people! We’ve got an Idol season starting. Next week the top 12 girls and guys perform in separate two-hour extravaganzas, and then we get to send four of them home. Earth, fire, wind, water, heart: the power is yours!
Seriously, anybody want to go halvsies with me on Eze-Riders.com? Let me know.