AI6 5/9 Recap: Gee, Your Tears Are Terrific

[MotherSister]

It’s a crying kind of night on Idol. Everyone’s talking about shedding or not shedding tears, and crying through video packages and trips down memory lane, so we’ll just have to go with it. If you’re anything like me, you had on your-your-your-your-your boogie shoes for this week’s performances, because if there’s anything the Bee Gees are known for, I mean besides the tight white pants, it’s those infectious disco dancing tunes. Yet Bee Gees week has turned out to be a somber affair. For the most part, the kids zigged with the mellow when they should’ve zagged with the night fever, and regrettable choices were made by all. If you missed any of Tuesday’s show, you should definitely hustle on over and check out AJane’s excellent recap of the night’s events. Done? Great, then I can begin talking about crazy cool medallions. Oh, and *sniffle,* your results too.

Jive Talkin’

Ryan gets the sadness going early, punching us in our collective stomach with a reminder of how much it must suck to put your heart and soul on the line every week only to get cut right at the end. Oh, and it’s Bizarro Idol tonight, what with Simon and Paula switching seats! This is apparently important somehow, and funny too, as Simon seal-claps and Paula rubs her chest inappropriately during Ryan’s roll call. Seriously. Couldn’t make that up if I wanted to. Well I guess I could, but why would I want to? Ryan says that Simon’s breasts are bigger than Paula’s, but he’s asking for it so it’s just no fun for me to say that Ryan knows this from hands-on experience. It is, however, my duty, so there you go.

Ryan asks the judges if they expect a shocking result tonight, and Randy answers without saying anything at all. Paula says something about having to sing two songs as a challenge that not everyone met. Ryan takes this cue to rehash everything that ever happened ever on Tuesday, because there are like 6 Coke commercials that have to be aired tonight, and they need an hour of show to do it, so here we are. But I’m not recapping it. See also: Ryan-On-The-Street. Oh, except for one bit out of that, when Ryan’s chatting up some old lady about all the famous people the Idol contestants have met so far, and she politely tries to add his name to the list, only she calls him ‘Bryan.’ And I laugh and laugh, only not in a polite way, as Ryan self-deprecatingly refers to himself as Bryan Seacast. Okay, so it wasn’t that funny, but this crap is getting longer and longer each week. I try and make the best of it. It sort of hurts though when Ryan acknowledges the filleriness of this filler, because it’s like, he knows how much it sucks, and he just won’t stop. That’s mean, Meancrest.

The Filling Station

Hey, go see the Idols live on tour, why not? It’ll make you feel at least as good as Crazy Crying Girl. Oh, and if you do go, make sure and ask somebody how Stephanie Edwards is doing. I miss her.

A pre-recorded Pink’s all of a sudden performing now, instead of two weeks ago when they said she’d be giving back and stuff, but then she didn’t, so I thought we’d escaped, but no. As for the performance, it’s Pink, so it’s poppy, and there are a lot of low, mumbled lyrics full of intensity, and then an angsty chorus with drumming and stuff. So the usual, only not as much fun as when Kelly Clarkson does it.

Pimpmercial: They’re totally spitting in Sanjaya’s eye by setting it to “You Really Got Me.” I totally don’t mind. The film’s got that washed-out archival footage look where the only color that shows up is red, and all the kids are like mod-sters running from legions of crazy fans. Then a Ford appears out of nowhere and saves the day! as they get in the heroic automobile and drive away. Incredible.

Singin’ Them Sweet Sounds

As always, the American Idol Challenge really makes me want to spend 99 cents, because the questions are so easy it’s like they’re forcing me to win; meanwhile, Ryan just can’t stop talking about how terrible last night’s show was, so he mentions the awful song choices that everyone made. Twice. The judges pretty much agree. This serves to introduce the group sing that’s full of better songs. Melinda starts us off and has some wonky mic issues on “Emotions.” Then they all get their two-step sway together just in time to do the pretty harmony-building part quite pleasantly. We soldier on through “Too Much Love,” and then some song I don’t know about highways, and then “Islands in the Stream,” which I never knew Barry Gibb wrote. How educational Idol is. It’s suddenly very obvious that Blake’s the only guy left, as he carries “You Win Again” all by his lonesome and sort of forgets the words and then gets them back in time to trade some classic Bee Gees style “I-ha’s” with Jordin. They all do a little choo-choo train on the “I’ll be following you” line, and isn’t it cute. Then Melinda and LaKisha get to do some soul-stirring and hip swaying on Diana Ross' “Chain Reaction,” and Jordin tries too, but the melody gets a bit away from her. Nice tribute. So nice in fact, that Ryan names them The Lewis Sisters, and maybe Blake’s okay with being present in name only. But where’s Barry Effin’ Gibb?

Emotions, Taking Them Over

Perhaps he’s backstage primping his chest hair, because for now it’s time to talk to the contestants. Ryan asks LaKiki what she was saying to herself during the break, and it turns out she was giving herself a pep talk to remember the words and not cry if she goes home. I’m already misty over here. Jordin had a great old nervous time picking two songs. Ryan needles Blake for a reaction to the criticism he received from Simon about his terrible performance, and Blake plays cute but dumb, and Ryan gives a cross between a giggle and a chuckle, which means he’s verymuchthisclose to scribbling Blake’s name all over his yearbook. LaKisha had a rough night, lots of stressful things happened with her arrangement and her outfit, and then she had butterfly-type hopes of Simon kissing her again. Ryan plays this for laughs instead of ews, hinting with a clenched jaw that Simon’s girlfriend is in the audience tonight. Melinda talks about bringing more to her game next week, because she’ll totally be here next week. Then there’s some shilling of a new movie, and I don’t play that so I’m not even going to mention the name of it. I’m just going to sit here drinking my Coke and texting tons of friends at super-reasonable rates on my AT&T phone.

When that’s done, it’s time to get to know more about our contestants, so strap in and grab another Coke while this clip of precious baby pictures and tender feelings goes on and on. Or you can just read my twelve-second summation (it works best if you pretend like you’re that fast-talking FedEx/Micro Machines guy): Everyone but Jordin is an only child, and LaKiki and Melinda were both raised by their mothers; Baby Melinda rocked rough and stuff in her afro puffs, Jordin as a (younger) child looked just like Jordin now, only eight feet shorter; Blake always gave the dorky tight-lipped half smile/half frown in pictures. LaKiki, Blake, and Jordin were all naughty chatterboxes in school. Melinda was not. Some had supportive and talented parents, but Jordin’s talent is a gift; LaKisha feels this is the greatest thing ever to happen to her, and must cry to tell us so. Melinda is learning how to dream big, and so is Blake. Jordin counts her blessings each and every day, presumably while crying. There. Now take a breath. It’s cool; Ryan gives you time with a well-placed “after the break.”

Solidarity Forever. Or For A Minute, Anyway.

Begin the results! Or not, because all the contestants are on stage …protesting? It’s kind of awesome; they’re in a huge group hug and won’t let go, even after some gentle schedule-crazy nudging from Ryan. He begins to read his results cards, and they’re all still holding on. They do a little Mary Tyler Moore Finale group shuffle to hit the mark, which is so cute. Then Ryan tells Jordin she’s safe and there’s a last little squeeze while she breaks ranks and returns to Safety.

Ryan non-sequiturs into some sort of plea for submissions for a new show about bands. Look out for that next summer, for about three weeks.

It’s Barry Effin’ Gibb!

Now, straight from the streets of Queensland, here is Barry Gibb to perform. I like that he didn’t bother to dress up for the show (his shirt is missing a whole layer of fabric), and of course I love that he doesn’t bother to finish enunciating half his words. A lot is always said about how corny and shallow the Bee Gees and their disco revolution were, and all of those things are right. But you can’t deny them their place in pop history. I’ll give Barry Gibb some respect for building such a huge catalogue of can’t-get-away-without-knowing-them-no-matter-how-much-you-try songs for himself, his band, and so many other artists. And even though I know I’ll be cursing him tonight around ten, when “Nights on Broadway” and “Islands in the Stream” are still. Stuck. In my head, I’m not going to criticize his performance of “To Love Somebody.” Not even when he finishes with his own special exhibit of the right hand of raw emotion in the air. I’m just that nice. Or bored. Whichever.

Light In Her Deepest, Darkest Hour

Results again. Remember how, last season when it got down to the final 4 you were all interested to find out who was going to make it, because the competition was just that exciting? Well I don’t know what happened to all that, but it ain’t here this year. Ryan’s toying around with the results like always, and I care less about them now than I did during Hollywood when the results didn’t even matter because we already knew Sanjaya was going to win. I am sad that LaKisha’s going home though. Yes, it’s inevitable, and I’ve known since last week, but I still would’ve liked her not to be eliminated. Ryan quickly tells Melinda she’s made it into the final three with Jordin, and then it’s LaKisha vs. Blake. Blake puts his arm around LaKiki, and Melinda gives a woeful look because she knows what’s going to happen. Randy is worthless. Simon guesses that LaKisha’s out, and Paula gives the requisite sweet talk about them both being winners and deserving puppies and fields of daisies and pots of gold for working so hard all season. Ryan is uninterested in that, so he dims the lights and with very little fanfare gives LaKisha the deathblow.

She watches her journey from audition to the big stage, and dude she has to cry. I’m glad she lets the tears out, because I feel better about mine. Indulge me for a moment, as I’m about to get sappy. Even though this moment isn’t the moment of triumph she might’ve wished for, it’s such a testament to how far she has come, from a diffident bank teller in Flint to an honest-to-goodness star singing in front of the biggest audience in the country. LaKisha deserved this experience; we know that she is what American Idol is supposed to be about. She embodies my reason for even watching the show at all. So I’m happy for what LaKisha has done here, and I’m very proud of her as she performs her singout in true style, putting aside the irony of elimination and throwing every bit of verve and sass and awesome she has into the words of “Stayin’ Alive.” It’s more than all right; it’s better than okay. It’s the best singout ever. Congrats, Kiki.


Yes, I learned everything I know about the Bee Gees from The Barry Gibb Talk Show. Do you have anything to add? PM me here.

[Google]

 

[lei]

Originally Posted by MotherSister

They do a little Mary Tyler Moore Finale group shuffle to hit the mark, which is so cute.

Oh I knew that reminded me of something, but I couldn't place it! Thank you for that memory jog!

Too many funny parts to quote. Though I'm still trying to get the "hands-on experience" out of my visuals. Hilarious recap!

[DeeGee]

Originally Posted by MotherSister

She watches her journey from audition to the big stage, and dude she has to cry. I’m glad she lets the tears out, because I feel better about mine. Indulge me for a moment, as I’m about to get sappy. Even though this moment isn’t the moment of triumph she might’ve wished for, it’s such a testament to how far she has come, from a diffident bank teller in Flint to an honest-to-goodness star singing in front of the biggest audience in the country. LaKisha deserved this experience; we know that she is what American Idol is supposed to be about. She embodies my reason for even watching the show at all. So I’m happy for what LaKisha has done here, and I’m very proud of her as she performs her singout in true style, putting aside the irony of elimination and throwing every bit of verve and sass and awesome she has into the words of “Stayin’ Alive.” It’s more than all right; it’s better than okay. It’s the best singout ever. Congrats, Kiki.

Great! Now you made ME cry!!!!!

Great recap!

[fluff]

Originally Posted by MotherSister

It sort of hurts though when Ryan acknowledges the filleriness of this filler, because it’s like, he knows how much it sucks, and he just won’t stop. That’s mean, Meancrest.


Ryan gives a cross between a giggle and a chuckle, which means he’s verymuchthisclose to scribbling Blake’s name all over his yearbook.

Jordin as a (younger) child looked just like Jordin now, only eight feet shorter;

Ryan non-sequiturs into some sort of plea for submissions for a new show about bands. Look out for that next summer, for about three weeks.

A great read, as always

[AJane]

Originally Posted by MotherSister

Ryan says that Simon’s breasts are bigger than Paula’s, but he’s asking for it so it’s just no fun for me to say that Ryan knows this from hands-on experience. It is, however, my duty, so there you go.

Then there’s some shilling of a new movie, and I don’t play that so I’m not even going to mention the name of it. I’m just going to sit here drinking my Coke and texting tons of friends at super-reasonable rates on my AT&T phone.

Solidarity Forever. Or For A Minute, Anyway.

Begin the results! Or not, because all the contestants are on stage …protesting? It’s kind of awesome; they’re in a huge group hug and won’t let go, even after some gentle schedule-crazy nudging from Ryan. He begins to read his results cards, and they’re all still holding on. They do a little Mary Tyler Moore Finale group shuffle to hit the mark, which is so cute.

Even though this moment isn’t the moment of triumph she might’ve wished for, it’s such a testament to how far she has come, from a diffident bank teller in Flint to an honest-to-goodness star singing in front of the biggest audience in the country. LaKisha deserved this experience; we know that she is what American Idol is supposed to be about. She embodies my reason for even watching the show at all. So I’m happy for what LaKisha has done here, and I’m very proud of her as she performs her singout in true style, putting aside the irony of elimination and throwing every bit of verve and sass and awesome she has into the words of “Stayin’ Alive.” It’s more than all right; it’s better than okay. It’s the best singout ever. Congrats, Kiki.

Loved it as usual, MS, and thank you for the tribute to KiKi. She totally deserves it. Now you've got me crying (and humming "Nights on Broadway").

[dpiranha]

Great job MS, and you too AJane for the Tuesday recap. I always turn to you guys on the bad weeks on AI to salvage something out of the ordeal. And this was as bad of a week as it gets.

[suncat7]

Fantastic recap, MotherSister! And your subtitles were especially funny!

But daggone it, I'm singing Bee Gees songs in my head now.

[famita]

MotherSister, I think you've reached a new level in recapping. From your MTM reference to your AT&T ad (wasn't it?), from the cool to the sublimely honest. I truly enjoyed from the beginning to the very end. Brava!!

[Leo]

Terrific recap, MotherSister.

[ShrinkingViolet]

What an awful show, but your recap was wonderful. Thanks for suffering through this, so some of us didn't have to. I enjoyed your snark making fun of the filler! I'm sad I missed Lakisha's sing-out, but it sounds as though she got her spark back for it.

For the most part, the kids zigged with the mellow when they should’ve zagged with the night fever, and regrettable choices were made by all.

Oh, and it’s Bizarro Idol tonight, what with Simon and Paula switching seats! This is apparently important somehow, and funny too, as Simon seal-claps and Paula rubs her chest inappropriately during Ryan’s roll call. Seriously. Couldn’t make that up if I wanted to.

But where’s Barry Effin’ Gibb?

Jordin as a (younger) child looked just like Jordin now, only eight feet shorter

Solidarity Forever. Or For A Minute, Anyway.

It’s Barry Effin’ Gibb!

I like that he didn’t bother to dress up for the show (his shirt is missing a whole layer of fabric), and of course I love that he doesn’t bother to finish enunciating half his words.

Remember how, last season when it got down to the final 4 you were all interested to find out who was going to make it, because the competition was just that exciting? Well I don’t know what happened to all that, but it ain’t here this year.

Paula gives the requisite sweet talk about them both being winners and deserving puppies and fields of daisies and pots of gold for working so hard all season.