What kind of British Invasion can you have without a single Beatles song? Well, you can toss in some Zombies, and maybe a Kinks tune. Then you can really stretch the definition of “British Invasion” to include anything recorded between 1960 and 1965 or so. And that’s where you get your Shirley Bassey and…Tobacco Road? Can it possibly be that the list of songs the Idols are allowed to perform is getting shorter?
The Hermit that should have stayed hidden
Ryan Seacrest is decked out in his best junior-executive duds – after all, the results show is the one where he really earns his pay. Peter Noone and Lulu are the visiting celebs this week charged with guiding our young Idols through the paces of songs recorded before they were born – possibly even before some of their parents were born. The ‘70’s punk British Invasion would have been a lot more fun. Not so much for Simon, though, as he would have missed out on Haley Scarnato wiggling around the stage in hot pants. Speaking of Haley and her short-shorts, there’s the usual clipfest of the previous night’s offerings, including the girl who’s either Sanjaya’s biggest fan, or is deathly afraid of him. Either way, she sobs uncontrollably like those early Beatles fans in the Ed Sullivan studio audience – finally, some real British Invasion flavor.
No group sing tonight – instead, we’re getting Peter Noone, who’s going to perform that AM radio chestnut, “There’s A Kind Of Hush”. Peter’s wearing a determined smile and a bright blue jacket, and appears to be singing through his teeth. He draws out the word “hussssshhhhh” in a way that reminds me of someone with loose dentures, and the vocals overall are mediocre enough to make me believe that Sanjaya might sell a million CDs one day. Peter encourages the audience to sing along, not quite realizing that there’s not a soul in attendance – except perhaps Simon – who’s old enough to have ever heard this song before. Fortunately, this is the half-hour AI results show, and it’s all over before you can say, “Have you driven a Ford lately?”
It’s the time of the season…to cram replacement sitcoms down our throats
Speaking of Ford – and how can you avoid it on this show? – it’s time for the Idols to hawk the wares of the Found On the Road Dead company. The song is “Another Saturday Night” and the video, inexplicably, is set in a laundromat. Well, it is possible that Chris S. spends his Saturday nights doing his laundry. Thanks to today’s technology, Melinda is shown doing backflips over the dryers, and the Idols frolic in soapsuds. It’s rather more stupid than usual, and stupider yet is the “impromptu” appearance of Brad Garrett with the contestants on the bleachers. Brad is sporting gray chin stubble that makes him look like a hungover schoolyard pervert among the fresh-faced Idol youngsters. Why is Brad Garrett skulking around? Can it be that he has a dreadfully unfunny sitcom to plug? Ryan doesn’t give him the opportunity, though, and “eliminates” him after some brief banter.
And fast-as-that, it’s time for some results. How will Ryan torture the Idols this week? He calls for Phil, Melinda, and Blake to stand. The previous evening, Phil took us down “Tobacco Road”, Melinda crooned “As Long As He Needs Me”, and Blake chose the hippy-dippy “Time Of The Season”. America approved, and Ryan proclaims the trio safe.
Next to rise is Chris S., who also went psychedelic with “She’s Not There”, LaKisha, who told us “Diamonds Are Forever” (amen, girlfriend) and Jordin, who sang “I Who Have Nothing” – although the kid definitely has something, as the audience reaction is a little stronger when her name is called. No surprises here – deservedly, none of them are in the bottom three this week.
Sanjaya, the boy with much hair and teeth but little singing talent, and Haley, she who wears short-shorts, are next to stand, along with tuff-girl Gina. This threesome is nervous, and rightly so – Sanjaya was guilty of massacring the Kinks classic “You Really Got Me”, Haley’s “Tell Him” was an improvement over last week but she’s still no match for the LaKisha/Melinda/Jordin power trio, and Gina screeched her way through “Paint It Black”. America’s willing to give these kids another chance, though, and Ryan tells them they’re safe.
So who IS in the bottom three? Sneaky, sneaky Ryan – there is no bottom three this week. Instead, there’s a bottom two, and dwelling in the Idol cellar is old-kid-on-the-block Chris R., and lovely R&B singer Stephanie. Surprised? If you are, this is your first season watching American Idol.
Everybody Loves Clay Aiken
Brad Garrett refuses to go away. You’d think the fact no one is watching his new show would give him a hint. He’s holding up a sign that says “Clay Aiken Hurt Me”. Likely because his show is so lousy even Clay wouldn’t condescend to make a guest appearance. Well, if he’s fishing for guest stars, maybe Brad can catch Patricia Heaton between cosmetic surgeries.
Ryan kills some time with the “AI Challenge” – the answer is Fantasia, by the way – and then proceeds to beg for money in the form of “Idol Gives Back”. Except it’s not like AI is the one actually giving anything – instead, Ryan beseeches “corporate America” (which I guess doesn’t include Fox Broadcasting) to cough up some dough for kids in the U.S. and Africa. The ones that Angelina Jolie hasn’t adopted yet.
Speaking of plastic surgery…
Enough of the charity stuff, it’s time for Lulu. Who-who? She was a star some thirty-odd years ago, and…she’s very perky. That’s all I got for Lulu. She’s performing her hit from nineteen sixty-something, “To Sir With Love”. I admit she looks great for a woman pushing 60 – kudos to her plastic surgeon – but she’s dressed in dreadful skin-tight black satin pants and sweater. Imagine Sandy from Grease at Rydell High’s 50th high-school reunion. Her voice has pretty much held up over the years, though it cracks a bit here and there and her last note was off. Well, I hear they still love her in the U.K.
Don’t let the camera catch you crying
Stephanie and Chris R. have been left to sweat it out during Lulu’s set. Ryan reminds Stephanie that her rendition of “You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me” was panned by the judges, while Chris’ “Don’t Let The Sun Catch You Crying” was deemed his best performance to date, by Simon. America voted and agreed with Simon, and Stephanie is sent packing. Ah well, 30 million Americans can’t be wrong (or a million Americans with speed- and re-dial functions on their phone). Stephanie dabs at her tears while we watch a video of her “journey”, and she joins the ranks of the quickly-forgotten Idol contestants who are destined to fall back into obscurity. But it was nice meeting you, Stephanie – and for the record, you’re more talented than Haley and Gina (and Sanjaya, but he’s only about 50% girl so he doesn’t really count).
Were you quick enough to change the channel before Brad Garrett’s show started, right after Idol? Sadly, I wasn’t, but I’ll know better next week. Anyway, who needs to watch a C-list Fox sitcom when you can check out MotherSister’s recap, http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forum...sh-coming.html? Trust me, it’s way funnier and you won’t be wishing for 30 minutes of your life back.
Elliott Yamin is actually HOT now. PM me if you agree.