This … Is … Jeopardy
I was expecting at least one slap-happy mentee, or some footage of inappropriate touching to come out of it, but nope. Diana just taught us all the importance of ‘pronounciating’ things properly.
The 12 best singers between the ages of 16 and 29 in the entire United States, or at least 8 slightly representative cities!
Ryan and his offensively purple tie reintroduce the judges, and takes care to point out that Simon has an alarming number of buttons undone, at which Simon smiles cheekily. The veneer’s wearing thin, boys.
Let’s move to the retrospective of performance night -- Simon and Ryan flirting, Brandon hitting not one of the three notes his song required, everybody and their mama forgetting words, the judges being way too harsh on Stephanie, LaKisha making me beam with pride, Chris R. making my insides bleed with rage at his horrible, horrible performance of “The Boss.” Good times. Tone Deaf Advisory
But, with hardly any warning at all, we’re all of a sudden in the group sing! Seriously, that just isn’t fair. Maybe we can get the National Weather Service to hook us up with an alert, like for tornadoes.
Hey, wow! Michael Rapaport is actually on his feet applauding! Maybe I’ve been horribly wrong about this whole thing. I guess the kids were quite excellent, after all.
We return from break with our first official Ford Pimpmercial of the season. Pardon me as I squee with delight.
Despite what the 28.5 minutes of chewy and delicious filler would have you believe, this show is here to serve a purpose!
Chris R. is safe and it’s totally killing me inside
Phil looks like he’s just come from dropping the kids off at a play date in his Saturday Errands windbreaker and polo collar. And perhaps it is this crime against fashion that lands him in the bottom three. Aww. Blazers, Phil. Think about it.
Blake’s not going anywhere, and by now we can all see poor little kicked puppies Haley and Sanjaya at the ‘unequivocally lousy’ end of the row. Ryan toys with them about their status, and then cuts to commercial before telling us who the last loser is. Bastard!
Then the screen parts, and Dippy Di must have a Love Hangover, because she’s threatening to topple over during her 6,000 minute long diva bask-and-pose introduction. It’s truly a moment to remember.
Until she begins to sing. I really wish she would’ve just stood there posing while “You Keep Me Hanging On” played in a loop, instead of singing this new “More Today Than Yesterday,“ which aside from being eye-pokingly banal, was delivered pretty terribly. Even I would have to say it was pitchy.
The highlight of the performance for me turned out to be Diana toddling over to the contestant are, and singing with Melinda for a little while, offering Chris R. the mic, and then snatching it away as soon as he opened his mouth, all with that big, loopy, Diana grin going on. You can‘t script brilliance like that.
She wants to talk some jive about how inspirational this show is. Nice. He’s A Monster!
Sanjaya and Haley stand nervously together, perhaps sharing an unspoken bond of shame at even being there, on the show, in the first place, and Seacrest mercifully sends Haley back to Safety before she can do much more of that vote-snaring lip-quiver she’s got down to a science.
Sanjaya the Idol Killer claims another victim.