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Thread: AI6 2/22 Results Show Recap - Killer Filler

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    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    AI6 2/22 Results Show Recap - Killer Filler

    I wasn't alive during the so-called "Golden Age of Television." I missed out on programs like The Colgate Comedy Hour and Kraft Television Theatre. I do, however, know two things about that period in pop culture: 1) As you may have noticed, many of the shows were sponsored by a particular product, and 2) There was such a thing as the 15 minute program.

    Now, listen. I'm not trying to compare American Idol to any of the classics. We don't know if it will stand the test of time. Ryan Seacrest is no Jack Benny. (Or so I assume. I'm not actually familiar with Jack Benny, but given that Ryan Seacrest isn't even any Jack Palance, I feel comfortable with my assumption.) But American Idol has already adopted a modern-day version of the "Sponsored by" trend of days gone by with their Ford commercials "videos", so all I'm saying is, hey, guys, give the 15 minute program some thought, okay? Because these hour-long results shows could easily be reduced to nothing more than a crawl over a rerun of The Simpsons, and we'd all be a lot happier. As it is now, these shows are so much pressed sawdust stuck between two razor-thin veneers of shiny crap.

    Anyway, hi! Are you all super-duper excited to find out which four sad sacks are getting sent home first? Because I am! I mean, no, I haven't been watching this season, and, okay, fine, I don't know who anyone even is, but still - this is really awesome! Look at all those exclamation points! Whee!

    I'd Rather Be Judged By Twelve Than Carried By Six
    We start the show off with Ryan, looking for all the world like he just left an auditon for a Six Feet Under revival - black suit, thin black tie, white shirt. Less product in his hair than I'm used to seeing. That part is kind of refreshing. He uses his best "I'm so pumped - but in a professional way!" voice to drive home the point that tonight will see the exit of two women and two men.

    Cue the intro music. Bom de bom de bom sproy-ING.

    The judges get introduced, as if they're not already known by the entire viewing audience, and...did...did Randy just flash The Shocker? Okay, no, I guess it was just the "Rock on!" hand signal. And don't ask me why, but this compelled me to research the actual name of the sign. Mano Cornuto. It's also used in Italy to convey "Your spouse is cheating on you." Huh. I guess this made the show worth watching. A little bit. Kind of. Anyway, there's Paula wearing her homage to Johnnie Walker Red, and Simon just kind of being Simon.

    So Raise Your Hands To Heaven, And Pray (And Pray)
    The judges warn that the men are falling behind the women, talent-wise. Paula admonishes them to "bring it on", that they only have "this way to go", while pointing upward. I'm not saying that she drunkenly forgot the word "up", but ... well, let's just move on.

    To pump up the contestants, Ryan gives the laundry list of celebrities they'll be working with, should they make the top twelve: Diana Ross, Jon Bon Jovi, Jennifer Lopez, Gwen Stefani, Tony Bennett, Martina McBride, Herman's Hermits (who receive noticeably less applause), Barry Gibb. Eh. I don't know. Gwen Stefani is still pretty relevent. Diana Ross is a legendary diva. Jennifer Lopez can go ahead right now and strike "Jenny from the block" from all future set lists, since an American Idol appearance quashes that facade altogether. Herman's Hermits, though? Barry Gibb? Granted, I'm not a musician or singer, but it's fairly underwhelming. It's like being offered a fig newton. Nothing wrong with fig newtons, really, and it's better than not having anything at all, but you're not really excited about it. "Oh, okay. I guess I'll take a newton." And then you go another five years without having one, because you just don't care that much about them.

    Yeah, Herman's Hermits, I went there. I called you Fig Newtons. Bring it! Go ahead and bring Gibb for backup if you want. I’m not scared.

    Anyway, this isn't about snack cakes. For once. No, this is about filler (much like the figs in ... yeah, okay, never mind, I'll stop.), and plenty of it.

    Did you miss the last two shows, the way I did? Not to worry, my friend, because you're about to catch them both, almost in their entirety!

    Requisite clips of rude remarks about the men from the judges: "You were corny", "I didn't like you tonight", "Where's my vicodin?" Now, in contrast, the glowing praise for the women: "That's the one to beat!", "You can sing!", "That was in a different league!", "Oh, THERE'S my Vicodin!"

    So we're all clear that the women are giving better performances, right? Because they are. The women. Not the men. Women. Women! (19 Entertainment isn't the only one who can shove information down your throats.)

    (Women.)

    One Step Up From The White Man's Overbite
    Moving on to the group performance. Tonight they'll be singing "Sowing The Seeds Of Love" by Tears For Fears. How random. You'd think they'd at least go with "Pale Shelter" (if they were choosing a good song), or "Shout" (if they were choosing a popular song), but "Sowing The Seeds Of Love" it is.

    Hey, can we talk about choreography for a minute? I think we should - nay, we must! Because what part of swaying hips, swaying heads, faces full of pain during solos and limp-arm-up-two-unenthusiastic-snaps constitutes actual choreography? And also, whoa, is that Jack Osbourne circa 2001 on the stage? I know I haven't been watching this season, but since when does American Idol have a magical portal to the past? What the hell is going on here?

    Wow. We're only ten minutes in. I'm starting to have sympathy for Paula's little peccadilloes.

    Tonight The Music Seems So Loud
    Back from commercial, Ryan lines the boys up ... and oh my God, firing squad!! This is the most must-see live television EVER!! Okay, no, that's a lie. He asks the boys if they're nervous. Which they are. Chris Sligh (who, okay, fine, is NOT Jack Osbourne. Allegedly.) claims to be concerned about some banter with Simon, because he respects him tremendously, yadda yadda yadda.

    Ryan calls the guys sitting in the back row of the contestant bleachers to join him on stage.

    Brandon: "Rock With You" - The judges {said stuff, which I'm not bothering to write down.}. You're safe.

    Sundance (Sundance? Really?): "Nights in White Satin" - The judges hated you. America didn't, go sit down. But listen, one of these days I'm going to want to have a chat with you about that Abe Lincoln beard you're rocking.

    Chris Richardson: "I Don't Wanna Be" - Well, you're gonna be. You're safe, get off the stage.

    Nick: "Now and Forever" - See ya next week, tracksuit.

    Blake: "Somewhere Only We Know" - Safe. And scruffy.

    Paul: "Careless Whisper" - You lose, get off my property! (Name the quote.) Paul's headed home, because guilty feet have got no rhythm. He learns that there's no comfort in the truth, pain is all he'll find. As he sings his last hurrah for America, he, and no I'm not even joking, interjects a "C'mon y'all!". Into Careless Whisper. Well. That's quite enough out of Paul, I do believe.

    One guy down. Hey, see what I mean about how this could easily be a crawl? Because on the off-chance anyone from the network is reading, I'd like to drive that point home.

    The "American Beauty" Ripoff Was Also Stupid
    Now it's time for the girls to sweat. Ryan once again asks the back row to join him.

    Jordin: "Give Me One Reason" - Park it, girlie, you're safe.

    Stephanie: "How Come You Don't Call Me?" - Well, honey, if I had to guess, I'd say it has something to do with your culottes. And that gold lamé waistband on your shirt, which makes it look as though you just won the Intercontinental Championship. But either way, you sang well, and you're here for another week.

    Sabrina: "I've Never Loved A Man" - Given that she looks as though she's the love child of Gloria Estefan and Mya, there may be some hereditary reason for that. Also, is that...is she wearing limes around her neck? Whatever, America loves you, sit down.

    Leslie: "Natural Woman" - Take your natural butt back to the bleachers. You're not going home yet.

    Melinda: "Since You've Been Gone" - Hey, didn't I just see you on 227? Anyway, you're safe. The judges seem to love you, as does America.

    Antonella: "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" - Hey, you know what I would like to have missed? The questionable pictures of this girl that I've seen. And not because I've, like, sought them out. You can't read a celebrity gossip site without being slapped in the face with this girl, and, ew. So Antonella? Try missing the camera next time you're on the toilet, okay? Because that's just not cute. But you're safe, go sit down. On the BLEACHERS. With your pants UP.

    Okay, so that was weird. That was the entire group of the girls from the back row. They're all safe.

    Oh, hey, check it: Ryan is going to be sort of cruel. "Amy?" he calls, singling out a girl who, prior to this moment, hadn't been standing or spotlighted at all. "Can you please join me on stage?" She does. "I'm sorry, but your journey ends tonight." Damn! I mean, she totally deserves it for that outfit, but that was pretty abrupt. It's also the best thing I've seen tonight. She looks completely blown away, but keeps her composure while she prepares to sing her goodbye song.

    I love how they make them sing again. The sheer lack of logic makes me giggle. "Hey, you sucked! Now show us again just how bad you are!"

    Amy's song is "I Can't Make You Love Me". You got that right, sister. Bye.

    The Color Teal
    Halftime. Fantasia "don't call me Barrino!" Barrino, the winner of season three, comes out to get some publicity. She's going to be starring in "The Color Purple" on Broadway. In a very odd moment, Quincy Jones, sitting in the audience, tries to speak, starting out with "The Color Purple is about...", and gets only that far before Ryan's all "SO! FANTASIA!" Let's hope that Quincy issued a Motown-sized beatdown after the cameras stopped rolling.

    Anyway, Fantasia sings. She's not my cup of tea, although I don't deny her proficiency. I'm too busy marveling at her hair. It's very short, but it still has a lot going on. It's intriguing, really. Plus, teal eyeshadow. And a highly visible tummy-control panel sewed into her dress. She's got a very cute figure, but I do hope her wardrobe people choose to outfit it better in the future. At least she isn't wearing jeans under her dress. Anyway, she sings, and then leaves. It was a lovely way to add another ten minutes to the show.

    (Hey, execs - how about a nice crawl next year? I'm just sayin'.)

    (Also, I really hate this VCast commercial with the sweaty guy in the gym. Great, you have a Fall Out Boy song. Kindly get your sweaty earphones THE HELL OFF OF ME YOU GIGANTIC SWEAT-DRENCHED DICK!)

    (Seriously.)

    Maybe A Less Ironic Song Choice Would Have Helped
    Okay, we're back. The rest of the girls are lined up in a row, ready to learn their fate.

    Haley: "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" - You're safe. Also generic. I can't find anything to say about you, good or bad.

    Lakisha: "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" - Damn right you're not. I don't know why you even bothered to stand up. You're fine.

    Gina: "All By Myself" - Why are you already crying? Is that glitter on your face, or oil, or - no, those are tears. Oh my God, get a grip. You're on television, and just because you can't see us, it doesn't mean that we can't see you. Anyway, you're safe. Go sit down.

    Alaina: "Brass in Pocket" - The judges didn't like you, but you're safe.

    Nicole: "Stay" - Ha, that's funny, because you? You have to leave.

    In Nicole's defense, she was incredibly gracious in defeat, thanking everyone for the opportunity, and saying what great friends she made. She sings, and...oh, this is weird. It's like Lakisha was trying to rally everyone to join Nicole on the stage, but it didn't really work out. So she took a few steps out, looked awkward, and then fell back. It's like a sitcom where someone tries to start the slow clap, but it goes nowhere. Odd. Plus, damn, let the girl have her three minutes of spotlight. She's not going to get it again.

    Also, is Paula doing the Running Man at the judging table? Has the entire world gone mad?

    Okay, the last commercial break is over (Are you built Ford tough? Because I am.), and we can wrap this up. FINALLY.

    This Is The Longest Hour Of My Life, And I Can't Think Of Any Other Witty Page Break Captions
    Bottom row of guys:

    Chris Sligh: "Typical" - You're not, and go get a haircut, but do it later, because you're safe.

    Phil: "Could Not Ask For More" - Safe.

    Jared: "Back At One" - Safe. These guys aren't giving me much to work with here.

    AJ: "Never Too Much" - Huh. People are still wearing the short sleeved shirt over the long undershirt, are they? Okay. Go sit down, pal, America liked you.

    This leaves Rudy and Sanjaya. Clearly just running out of time on the live show, Ryan cuts right to the chase, and Rudy - take your shiny tuxedo jacket and get the hell out of here. You're done. Sanjaya, go sit your happy ass down.

    Though Simon and Randy had nothing but criticism for Rudy, Paula chastised America, saying that we "just don't get him." Paula, sweetie, not everyone has access to the same mind-expansion, er, devices that you do. Cut us a break.

    Montage of losers, quotes from judges, theme music, roll credits. Wow, does Rudy even get to sing? Oh, there he goes. His song is "Free Ride", and that's just what he'll be taking - home.

    So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, your first four cuts. Was it as good for you as it was for me?
    Last edited by Amanda; 02-23-2007 at 09:04 PM.

  2. #2
    RENThead JLuvs's Avatar
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    That was seriously brilliant. I missed the show last night, but I might keeping missing the results shows if the recaps are this entertaining.
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    Livin' the life Dinahann's Avatar
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    Brilliant recap, Amanda. I laughed so hard hubby came in from the next room to see what the fuss was about.
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    And that's prob'ly where they'll bury me

  4. #4
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    Paula admonishes them to "bring it on", that they only have "this way to go", while pointing upward. I'm not saying that she drunkenly forgot the word "up", but ... well, let's just move on.

    Requisite clips of rude remarks about the men from the judges: "You were corny", "I didn't like you tonight", "Where's my vicodin?"

    "I Don't Wanna Be" - Well, you're gonna be. You're safe, get off the stage.

    he, and no I'm not even joking, interjects a "C'mon y'all!". Into Careless Whisper.

    "How Come You Don't Call Me?" - Well, honey, if I had to guess, I'd say it has something to do with your culottes
    Fantastic

  5. #5
    Endlessly ShrinkingViolet's Avatar
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    From Fig Newtons, SFU, Vicodin, and the whole Antonella section, this was a fabulous, laugh out-loud recap. Shame the actual show can't say the same. Seriously, FOX had better listen to you about that crawl idea.

    As it is now, these shows are so much pressed sawdust stuck between two razor-thin veneers of shiny crap.

    I mean, no, I haven't been watching this season, and, okay, fine, I don't know who anyone even is, but still - this is really awesome! Look at all those exclamation points! Whee!

    I'd Rather Be Judged By Twelve Than Carried By Six


    We start the show off with Ryan, looking for all the world like he just left an auditon for a Six Feet Under revival - black suit, thin black tie, white shirt.

    So Raise Your Hands To Heaven, And Pray (And Pray)

    I'm not saying that she drunkenly forgot the word "up", but ... well, let's just move on.

    Jennifer Lopez can go ahead right now and strike "Jenny from the block" from all future set lists, since an American Idol appearance quashes that facade altogether.

    Anyway, this isn't about snack cakes. For once. No, this is about filler (much like the figs in ... yeah, okay, never mind, I'll stop.), and plenty of it.

    Ryan lines the boys up ... and oh my God, firing squad!! This is the most must-see live television EVER!! Okay, no, that's a lie.

    You lose, get off my property <---Simpsons!

    Paul's headed home, because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

    And that gold lamé waistband on your shirt, which makes it look as though you just won the Intercontinental Championship.

    The Color Teal

    Let's hope that Quincy issued a Motown-sized beatdown after the cameras stopped rolling.

    (Hey, execs - how about a nice crawl next year? I'm just sayin'.)

    Also, is Paula doing the Running Man at the judging table? Has the entire world gone mad?

    Paula chastised America, saying that we "just don't get him." Paula, sweetie, not everyone has access to the same mind-expansion, er, devices that you do. Cut us a break.


  6. #6
    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Now I know the reason for the hour-long results shows: for brilliant recaps. Great job, Amanda!
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  7. #7
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    OMG, Amanda! I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Superb recap!
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  8. #8
    From the corner of my eye Jewelsy's Avatar
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    Oh, Amanda - you freakin' rule. I'm stilling wiping the tears off my face.

  9. #9
    What do you DO all day? totoro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amanda
    Yeah, Herman's Hermits, I went there. I called you Fig Newtons. Bring it! Go ahead and bring Gibb for backup if you want. I’m not scared.

    One Step Up From The White Man's Overbite

    Let's hope that Quincy issued a Motown-sized beatdown after the cameras stopped rolling.
    Thanks for the recap, Amanda. It's always fun to see the world through your eyes, if only for the duration of a bloated reality TV results show. You had me at "sproy-ING."
    I'll do graffiti if you sing to me in French

  10. #10
    That's all folks! Unklescott's Avatar
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    Absolutely wonderful Amanda. Reminds me of one of the reasons I kept hanging out at FORT, waiting for your recaps.

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