*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday*
Sunday afternoons have got to be the worst. I can’t decide which is nastier: watching Lawon lounging in his pool attire - orange crocs, neon yellow shades, and pink shorts - or listening to Brendon talk about stripping at some bachelorette party. Dude sure does like to show his junk off, doesn’t he? Funny how none of that embarrasses him, but everything that Rachel does is some affront to his supposed attempts to be Serious and Professional. Asshat.
And what really irks me? The fact that he makes me want to take up for Rachel. Even though I don’t like Rachel. Grr.
So, there’s my weekly Brendon rant. In other news, Jordan shows off her most excellent people skills in a chat with Cassi, explaining why Jordan’s alliance wants her (Cassi) on the block: some people have personal issues with her (Rachel!), and some think she and Dominic are too close, posing a threat. Jordan says she hates this part of being HoH, and thought this would be an easy week until Dominic went and screwed everything up by winning the veto.
Speaking of Dominic, have you seen his awesome dance video? Put down your drink before you watch: You Tube - PT Can't Dance
Yeah, how sad was that? If he really is a virgin, I’m starting to understand why.
That Rachel, always keepin' it classy.
So Cassi, not being one to roll over and die, goes on the offensive and tries her best to get Jordan to put Lawon and Kalia up instead. Shelly helps, as they talk about how Kalia’s going to come on strong, better watch out for them, etc. Kalia is a fake and Lawon is a snake, Cassi says. Alas, though poor Jordan feels awful for having to go back on her word, she just can’t toss her alliance yet, as tired of Rachel as she is. Cassi asks if Jordan has thought about backdooring Brenchel - not really, says Jordan, but she will talk to Jeff about all this. Cassi seems resigned and tells Jordan that she can trust Shelly and Dominic after she’s evicted.
And Jordan does go to discuss this with Jeff, who gets rather heated at the thought of Brenchel flipping on them. Many f-bombs are dropped as he rants about how Rachel gets her way, gets to keep her “lapdog” Porsche. I keep forgetting Porsche is even in the house. In search of attention, Rachel wanders into the HoH room and is filled in on the Cassi conversation. Rachel lies through her teeth and says “Cassi’s nice,” even squeaking out an “awww” as Jordan tells of her hurt feelings. They send the lying redhead to fetch Dominic, and Jeff bashes her anew as soon as she leaves.
Dominic arrives, and makes a good show of saying that he wants to work with Jeff ‘n Jordan.
The fight we knew was brewing starts to simmer over, as Cassi takes Rachel aside to have a chat. Starts around 8:30 pm Sunday night, feed 1, very flashback worthy. Cassi asks if there’s something that she did to piss off Rachel, and says she doesn’t want to leave with “things in the air”. Rachel argues like a five year old, so whenever someone comes at her it’s painful to watch. With Brendon, she can cry and pout her way out of an argument, but with a female she has to come up with coherent sentences and ideas...and utterly fails. Rachel insists she doesn’t like Cassi’s gameplay, while Cassi retorts that she “heard” Rachel wants her out because she’s a female. Voices rising, Rachel claims that Cassi has been playing the victim and whining too much (pot...kettle?), and Cassi has just had it. She tells Rachel that she was a fan last year and didn’t like the way people treated her, but now? She gets it. “You’re a catty, catty girl and an ugly person inside!” Cassi exclaims, walking out of the room.
Rachel goes crying to Jordan, who actually tells the delusional Rachel that sorry, but sometimes the way you come across can be bitchy. Jordan explains that Rachel needs to stop making verbal jabs at people, it comes across as catty and causes people not to like her. “Bitchy” is mentioned many times. Many, many times. Apparently this is a revelation for Rachel? She boohoos and says she was just taking up for her bestie Porsche, because she knows what it’s like to be picked on - she was taunted all last summer. For good reason. Jordan even calls Porsche Rachel’s “butt buddy” and tells her that announcing loudly to one and all that she and Brendon are going to have sex is just crass, crude, and downright nasty. And quite vomitous for those of us on the feeds.
Nobody's *sob* paying attention to meeee! *sniff*
Daniele and Jeff join the pity party, all the more attention for Rachel, who cranks up the the waterworks some more. Jordan insists that she’s just trying to be honest and not hurtful, but dunderhead Rachel will never get it. Jordan offers to mediate a talk with Rachel and Cassi, but Rachel wants no part of that. Cassi is just evil, Rachel hisses. Jeff pees and runs, telling Jordan she’s better at this kind of thing. And she is.
Outside, Cassi tells her version of the encounter, making herself out to be more hardcore than she really was and bemoaning the fact that it sucks to be booted because of your looks. Oh, brother. The Rachel cryfest goes on almost two hours, with Brendon eventually joining, and I’m well over my daily quota of weepy Rachel.
This is so not worth a half a million.
Somewhere, OCD Shelly is sweeping/cleaning/wiping stuff, I’m sure. It’s a given.
Our first underwear scandal occurs just after midnight, as someone spied a pair of Dominic’s blue undies flung into a corner of the fruity bedroom with - gasp - a prominent skidmark on them. Rachel blows the fun by telling Dom, the artist formerly known as PT, that Jeff made the fake skidmarks. He plotted to get Jeff back by using chocolate pudding (gee, pretty sure THAT won't be shown on network tv), but it goes nowhere.
More grossness, admitted by our hamsters: their nastiest habits!
Dominic: Pees on his feet in the shower, blows snot rockets while he’s running.
Brendon: Would wake up with “crusties in his nose” last season, constantly picked it.
And the winner is...Kalia: picks her nose in bed and wipes it on the wall at home!
Where’s my Pepto....ugh.
Bored hamsters make art with the jellybeans (Jeff makes some obscene stuff), while Cassi hopes that America will vote her back in so she can say “Guess who’s back, bitch?” She wants to chow down on Mexican food as soon as she gets out, and see what the big bad internets are saying about her. Mmm, Mexican. Now I want a number 6 combo...
While Jeff and Jordan get ready for bed and ponder if fish sleep at night, Cassi and Dom share some Big Secrets. She’s a model and he’s in med school. Aren’t you shocked? Model talk ensues, and she claims that she might have a shot at being a Victoria’s Secret model. Rachel would love that. These fools don’t go to sleep until 5 am, once again.
Morning dawns, and the frogs in Shelly’s throat are singing full throttle. Seriously, woman, lay off the cigarettes. After her fix of nicotine and caffeine, she toddles off to start cleaning the kitchen as Brendon’s sorry self shuffles out. They chit chat about the Cassi/Rachel tiff - of course, Brendon puts all the blame on that evil bitch Cassi, comparing her to evil bitch Britney - and they discuss whether Kalia faked her shoulder injury during the comp. Because she seems just fine now. Back to her normal self of being lazy, sleeping all day, and not cooking for herself.
When Lawon does a mud mask, he does a damn mud mask.
Brendumb brings up the long-lost Franklin again, and I want punch him through the screen. Seriously, if someone could invent an app for that, they’d make a mint. Whack-a-tool. Cassi makes the mistake of coming outside, and she and Brendon get into a mini tiff, which ends up with her walking off after telling the dumbass that she’s not a dumbass and not to be condescending to her. This is the only way he knows how to treat women, so she gives up. Tells Shelly she thought Rachel was the whole problem, but now she “totally understands their union because he’s an ass**** too.” Cassi is then called to the DR, and Shelly tells her to keep it classy.
Right around noon, the Be Right Back Trees sprout, and when we come back, nobody is shocked to learn that Cassi and Shelly are the replacement noms after the veto meeting. Sigh.
And since MFWalkoff’s captors refused to let him recap for us this weekend, he was gracious enough to share this week’s Alliance Wheel with me, since I absolutely suck at keeping track of such things. Enjoy:
*Huge thanks to TheIrishEyes, Mari79, JustJuls and MFWalkoff for their graphic talents!