Hello and welcome back to the first LIVE episode of Big Brother 13! Who will be evicted: Keith or Porsche? But more importantly... what is Julie wearing? Let's find out!

Julie steps out on stage with a sassy pink pants suit thing on with a lovely string of pearls. Hmm. Yes, Chenbot, I approve. Cue 10 minutes of recap with dramatic voiceovers. Keith and Porsche are both confident that they will be the person staying in the house. Keith tells Porsche she is a good person and she just kind of rolls her eyes to herself because she knows he is a liar and is going to campaign against her. Well, it is a game, I'd hope he would.

“The Regulators” aren't sure how they are going to vote, even though Keith is their 4th member. If they don't have the votes to keep him, they don't want to expose themselves as having some sort of alliance. That is a decently smart move.

Bootylicious

The veterans realize they've been segregating themselves a little bit, so they decide to mingle with the newbies (aka try to scrounge up some people to vote how they want). Rachel starts shaking her ass and screaming about booty, Adam joins in, and then Jeff goes all kinds of wacky and starts shaking his thang on the kitchen table. We get a lovely shot of Jeff's perfectly shaped behind looking oh-so-fine in his jeans. I pause my TV for a little too long. *drool* Anywho....

In the backyard, it's time for a Big Brother dance party! Rachel is bringing out VEGAS!! Rachel and having a little impromptu dance party. Brendon starts dancing while everyone else is banging on pots and pants and such. Dominic thinks they are only socializing to try to get something out of the newbies.

Trouble In Vegas

Brendon claims that Rachel isn't the Vegas party girl anymore and she has calmed down a lot. He is ready to go to bed but she says she isn't. They go upstairs and she tells him 20 times she loves him, with no response from him. Finally he responds that he loves her too. She whines that obviously he doesn't want her to be around him and he says that she was acting ridiculous in the backyard. She was calling him “Booky” which is her pet name for him and then the guys were giving him crap for it. He says she doesn't make him feel special when she's yelling it across the yard. This guy needs to grow a set. He didn't have a set the first time they were on, and he doesn't have one this season either. Someone get this guy some manhood. He tells her he loves her with all his heart and he isn't going to argue. She cries. Ugh. I can't stand these two. Thanks, BB!!! Rachel and Brendon continue to whine to each other about stupid stuff nobody cares about. She apologizes to him for telling everyone she calls him Booky. She reminds him that he has a hot and beautiful and smart fiancee. Wait, where? Is she talking about herself? If by “hot, beautiful, and smart” she means “obnoxious, clingy, want-to-punch-her-in-the-face” then yes, she's correct. He says he is trying to get into the medical profession and he loves her with all of his heart. She loves him with all of her heart. They make out. I vomit.

Brendon slithers over to the hammock where Shelly is hanging out alone. He assures her that if she and Cassi ever go up, they want Cassi gone and not her. Later, Jeff tells the veterans that they should let Adam think of a name for their “alliance” so that he will feel more loyalty to them because he is such a big fan of the show. Before Dick's departure, he told them that Adam is with them and will be a good player to keep on their side. Adam says he is still with them and wants the alliance, but the best name he can think of is Adam's Angels. They laugh.

Cassi tries to rally the newbies to all vote Porsche out instead of Keith. They can see that Porsche is working with the veterans and Cassi thinks the new people all need to stick together because they will have the numbers. Kalia isn't going to stick her neck out on the line for anyone and says she is going to vote out the majority votes. I can't blame her there.

...But First

Let's check in live with all of the houseguests! Julie's huge face appears in the living room and everyone is super excited. She informs them that Dick left a message for all of them. He says he is okay, his girlfriend is okay, and his family is okay. He loves the game and has since Season 1. He wouldn't have left the house if it wasn't a true personal emergency that he had to deal with right away. He tells Daniele that he is sorry they won't get to spend the summer together because that's when they get along best. He tells everyone else he is going to be watching their every move and he wants to see some great gameplay and strategy and backstabbing and fighting.

Julie asks Daniele if she has anything to say to her dad and she rambles on about stuff being real life and not just a game, yada yada. Julie asks why there wasn't an “I love you”. Daniele is visibly uncomfortable and says that she loves her dad because he is her biological father and then she fumbles around some more. Wow, this is painful to watch. Come on Chenbot, cut the girl some slack. Finally, Julie says she is going to move on.

Keith and Porsche both have the chance to say their final pleas to stay in the game. Keith says that Porsche rocks and that everyone needs to have fun, don't take things personally, and remember it's only a game. Porsche, wearing a dress that resembles a trashy negligee, thanks the veterans for showing the newbies around the house, something something. She didn't even make sense.

Let's check the votes!!

Dominic: Porsche
Brendon: Keith
Jordan: Keith
Cassi: Porsche
Lawon: Porsche
Jeff: Keith
Daniele: Keith
Adam: Porsche
Kalia: Keith
Shelly: Keith

By a vote of 6-4, Keith has been evicted. I'm not sure why Adam voted for Porsche because I thought he was with the veterans. Hmmm. Throwing in the wonky vote a la Dan style. I like it.

Keith meets Julie and he seems truly shocked to be evicted. Julie told him that throwing the veto probably wasn't the smartest. He admits to being cocky. He says that he thinks that he got played and the people he thought had his back obviously didn't.

Smackin' Balls Around... Vets vs. Newbs

This week's HoH competition involves the houseguests' abilities when it comes to hitting an oversized golf ball into a hole. Each player will get a turn to hit their golf ball. There is a strip labeled with numbers. Whoever can get their ball closest to the hole/slot marked “1” will win. The numbers start at 18 and go down from there. If the ball goes too far and goes into the water, that player is out. Rachel got to pick the order.

Dominic: 6
Adam: 8
Cassi: water
Shelly: water
Lawon: water
Kalia: 6
Dominic and Kalia are tied
Jordan: 3
Jeff: Hits too hard on purpose
Brendon: Hits too short on purpose

Jordan and Jeff have won HoH for the week! Squeeeeeeeeeee! Rainbows and puppies and kitties shoot out from the heavens. I'm super pumped because I love Jeff and Jordan, but on the other hand I kind of wish a newbie would have won and maybe get some power shifting in the house. I guess we'll have to see what this week has in store.

Julie checks in with the houseguests one more time and congratulates Jordan for winning HoH. She thanks Jeff and Brendon for letting her win. Porsche comments that it feels great having the golden key. Julie has a few viewer questions AKA filler time. A viewer wants to know if it's hard for Shelly to be away from her daughter. She says it's really hard being away but she has her daughter's stuffed puppy. A viewer wants to know who Adam's favorite Beverly Hills 90210 character is and he starts screaming “Donna Martin graduates” while making the rock on hand sign. He's a nut, but I like him. I think I'm going to declare Adam as my favorite newbie and possibly Cassi as my 2nd favorite. I'm sure that will change week to week.

PS: Lawon, what are you wearing? My grandma's couch called, it wants its upholstery back.

See you next week! Be sure to check out LG's recaps and show her some love!