Good news, everyone! The show is down to the final three contestants which means that in a few short days we'll finally be rid of the lot of them. Now, isn't this cause for celebration? Big Brother certainly thought so because this show comes jam packed with HoH competition action - insert lame log joke here - and even some past contestants' commentary. Let's log to it!
When we last left off the three remaining hamsters were holding on to a big key while rolling on a log, hoping to win the first part of the final HoH competition. Sixty-eight days have passed in total, which sounds like a long time to stare at a bunch of idiots on TV no matter how you slice it, and this season was made even longer by the the fact that Big Brother managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel of humanity yet again. They're such masters when it comes to finding the worst, aren't they? Yes, Natalie, I'm talking about you! On the bright side, at least she was locked in there as opposed to being on the loose out here. Small favors and all that.
Usually at this point we'd be watching the final leg of the HoH competition where the final two would be decided but Julie – dressed in drab brown but sporting enough sparkling highlighter on her cheeks to glam up half the state of California – tells us that won't be the case this time. Details later if I manage to avoid falling into a coma while watching that log for the next half hour or so.
Before we can get to all that super fun, however, we need to watch the last three rodents fight the evil Big Brother HoH log. Kevin needs to win this one because he wants to control who he takes to the final two with him and it won't be Natalie – hee! - since he doesn't think he has the votes against her. Jordan says she's all alone and winging it this time. Hmm, this makes it sounds as if she had a clue before. If that's true, she certainly hid it well.
Eight minutes in and Natalie, whose less than sophisticated antics would be transparent to all except the most dimwitted, starts making ham-handed baiting comments such as “Kevin, thanks for keeping your word and evicting Michele”. Jordan doesn't bust out laughing nor does she call her on Natalie on such an indelicate attempt to psych her out. Does anyone here think Dr. Will would have let that one slide? For that matter, does anyone think Dr. Will would still be on that log eight whole minutes in? Better yet, would Natalie still be in the house if Dr. Will were there? Uhmm, no, no and hell no! Yes, I still remember a time when this game was played with real brains. However, Jordan has demonstrated little awareness so far and she seems to be just as oblivious now, just rolling along on the log after uttering a weak “Yeah, thanks” Kevin's way.
Why did Kevin evict Michele? He says it was a big decision since he's now “counting on Jordan to help [him] win Big Brother”. Natalie is happy Michele is gone because she says she has “a lot of hatred towards [Michele]” and hearing her voice made her blood boil every time. Yes, I think a large percentage of the Big Brother watching audience understands that sentiment exactly only it's not Michele who elicits that reaction in us. Back on the log, at the 21 minute mark, Natalie who lacks self-awareness even worse than Jordan, can't resist some more transparent trash talking saying Michele is a bitch and she will now be happy to see Jeff in the jury house because she's been jealous of Jordan. This time though Jordan calls her on it telling Natalie she is an instigator. Hmm, there may be hope for this girl after all.
The log suddenly comes to a jarring stop scaring all three rodents awake. There's ice cold rain pouring down, then the log starts rolling backwards and all three look equally miserable. At one point, Natalie looses her footing and almost falls off but then she regains her balance. Rats! Next, Big Brother turns on the wind and leaf blowing machine followed by the snow machine perhaps hoping that somebody would catch a cold before the comp is over.
Rain and snow are now coming down all at once. The log is rolling every which way and everyone seems just as miserable as they were at the 55 minute mark. This is all so exciting, I can barely contain myself! Not. Did you know we're in a period known as Mercury retrograde? Well, if you go for this kind of stuff, this is no time to make big decisions but I have made a big decision nonetheless: I'm fast forwarding through this dreck.
Well, I tried anyways. Natalie, who is to Einstein what a McDonald's French fry is to gourmet cooking, continues her none-too-subtle assault telling the others that they had a good run and it's time to drop off the log. She goes back and forth with Kevin who says he'll drop at sunrise. Next she tries to rope Jordan into dropping saying she'll fall five minutes later. Would anyone fall for this stupidity? Apparently not as even Jordan is laughing off this “generous” offer. Apparently, Natalie's aim with all this is to convince Jordan to take her to final two in case she wins final HoH.
Cold and distracted, Jordan finally falls off the log. I briefly contemplated including a screencap of Natalie's stomach-turning grin but decided against it. Wasting precious minutes out of my life writing about Natalie is, is one thing, having to stare at her for longer than absolutely necessary would qualify as straight up masochism. So I passed.
When Jordan finally goes into the house, the two remaining furry rodents gloat over their good fortune and the brilliance of their plans as if their entire strategy didn't hinge on the relatively greater stupidity of the other hamsters. Dumb conning the dumber - that should have been the motto for this Big Brother season.
Even though these two had a deal in which Natalie was supposed to throw the first round to Kevin, she now brags that she can stay on the log all night and wants Kevin to drop, Kevin, however, is having none of it. He wants Natalie to drop but she wants reassurances that he'll take her to final two. When he finally swears on pretty much everything under the sun that he'd take her and quite naturally means none of it - because why ever would you swear for real in a silly con game like this anyway? - and after some more negotiations over the time frame, Natalie finally drops off the log. Thus Kevin wins Part I of the HoH competition. Finally!
Everyone's a critic
After a short break Julie delivers the news to the hamsters: Jordan and Natalie will be competing tonight live and the winner of that face-off will compete live on finale night with Kevin. The final hamster will be evicted by the HoH after which they'll go straight to the jury questions and vote, also live. What this means is that the last person evicted will not have a chance to commune in depth with the other evicted hamsters as in previous seasons.
But before we can find out who wins the second part of the HoH competition, we get a glimpse of the jury house. Lazy hamsters lounge by the pool amusing themselves with fruity drinks, trash talk and never-ending pats on their own backs for no good reason. Russell and Jessie both wish for Jeff to walk in and when he does they're all happy puppies. He gets updated on Natalie's real age and feels a bit better seeing that they've turned on her. They all watch the DVD of Kevin's HoH win and discuss their assumptions and predictions.
From jury house fun to fun with former houseguests! Did you miss Janie, Boogie, Danielle and Evel Dick? If so, they're here to liven up the proceedings a bit with some commentary. What did they do with their winnings? Evel Dick has had “a good ride”, Boogie bought a Bentley and poured more money into his restaurants and bought a gift for Julie's baby. That's the Boogie we all know and don't much like! Danielle thinks Natalie played the best game so far which is no surprise to anyone who has seen Danielle in action on two previous seasons. Hell, I'd have been disappointed if she'd have picked anyone else!
Janie, looking like a million bucks wearing killer Louboutin heels, says Jeff getting rid of Russell was the worst move of the season. Boogie liked the Coup d'Etat move and the Kevin/Natalie lie about Russell. Evel Dick appreciated the power of the lie as well. They all weigh in on Chima's behavior: Boogie agrees that Chima had to be kicked out but thinks she needs to given a bit of a break, Evel Dick naturally thinks she was stupid while Danielle and Janie think Chima acted like a big bitch. Yay for telling it like it is!
Predictions for the winner: Boogie thinks Kevin, Janie wants a Kevin/Jordan final two with Kevin winning, Evel Dick thinks Kevin will win no matter who he takes while Danielle says unless two women are in the final two a woman will not win “especially when the female is the villain”. Boogie chimes in saying “it's our public speaking, we're better than that”. Oops! Let the cat out of the bag didn't he? Moving on.
Head in a hole
Finally we're back to the action. Part II of the HoH competition is next and Natalie is already in the backyard standing in front of a pedestal with a buzzer button on it. The competition is called Heads will roll. The setup resembles a game board with holes numbered from 1 through 10 at the top. The goal is simple: place all former heads of household in the holes in the order they held the position during the game. Natalie has 2 minutes to roll balls with HoHs names on them up the ramp into their corresponding holes. The winner is the person who gets most of them right. In case of a tie the winner will be the person who completes the task in the shortest time.
It's quite fun to watch Natalie messing up most of the order, aiming and missing the holes or dropping balls in the wrong ones. She buzzes in at 2 seconds before the clock runs out but only gets 5 correct answers. I must say, I like this format. It's simple, quick and dirty and offers no room for ambiguity. Jordan is up next and Julie explains the rules again. She gets 9 answers correct and finally hits the buzzer at 18 seconds before her 2 minutes are up. Hee! I guess she pulled through when it really counted. She will move on to compete with Kevin in the last part of the HoH competition on finale night.
Have you been wondering what would happen with only six jury members eligible to vote? I guess by now pretty much everyone has figured it out that America would be getting a vote because, well, what else? So, yes, America is now the 7th juror and the way it works is by text message or online vote. You can pick your favorite to win in either of three final two scenarios: Jordan/Kevin, Kevin/Natalie or Jordan/Natalie by texting the appropriate number from 1 to 6. It will cost you a buck for each text message so I suggest voting for free online instead. That is, if you care. I don't but don't let that stop you.
Julie delivers the news of Jordan's win to the houseguests, surprising Kevin and giving a chance to Natalie to moan about how she actually knew the order but got confused with all those balls and such. Like anyone cares. Tune in next Tuesday for finale night and to see the fruits of America's big jury vote or read about all of it right here and save an hour or two of your precious remaining summer time.
Big thanks to my lovely fellow writers who so selflessly helped me out while I was away cavorting overseas for half the summer. Thank you everyone for reading!