The TV fate of a pair of somewhat star-cross'd lovers will be decided tonight as Big Brother nears its conclusion. Finally! I'm not sure what it was this season – perhaps the uninspired casting, the fact that I missed out on a lot of the action or just plain Big Brother fatigue after 11 crazy seasons – but I felt no particular interest in many of the hamsters or the competitions and their outcomes. While in previous seasons it often felt as if the fate of my TV watching future hung in the balance when a favorite contestant lost a POV challenge or didn't win HoH, I now found myself caring much less this time. Chima got bounced? Really? Really? That's interesting but the only thing I can recall about her are her freakishly huge lips. So, who cares?! Certainly, no fates worth my attention seemed to be at stake at any time this season. Perhaps for the first time in my Big Brother watching life, I'm looking forward to figuratively stabbing a dagger into the guts of a season and calling it done.
Where civil blood makes makes (un)civil hands unclean
The big dumb lie heard around the Big Brother universe yielded results last week as Russell was handed a one-way ticket to the jury house. Kevin became HoH then promptly nominated Jeff and Michele thereby proving that trust in promises is akin to game-suicide in the Big Brother house. Jeff moans that he was stabbed in the back but the way I see it he stabbed himself.
In an effort to inject some fun into the proceedings, Big Brother placed temptation in front of Kevin in the form of a $10K bribe if only he dared to stick his hand into a hole. Did you wish like I did that that hole was like the one in Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom and it was crawling with nasty bugs? Kevin stuck his hand in, screamed but not because of any bugs: his $10K started raining on the backyard to the others' delight and Kevin's grief. Hee! Michele got even luckier when she won the veto but her pleas to Kevin on behalf of Jeff were unsuccessful and Jordan ended up nominated when she used the veto on herself.
From ancient grudge break to new (doomed) mutiny
What are the players in this little mock tragedy thinking at this stage? Kevin is very pleased with the status quo and hopes Jeff will be history soon. Jeff is living his worst nightmare and is upset that Kevin wouldn't take his and Michele's deal of final three. He plans on going after Kevin if he's not evicted. Big words Jeff, big meaningless words. Jordan never fathomed she'd be nominated with Jeff and is you know, like, sad, like “when breaking up with a boyfriend” sad, like. Michele isn't happy either but feels that they should try working on Natalie as a last ditch effort. For her part, Natalie is happy as a clam that her hands are clean and her game looks good. Have I mentioned how happy I'll be when this season is over? I actually meant I'll be happy that I no longer have to see this nasty little piece, Natalie, ever again. Moving on.
Kevin thinks if they don't win HoH next time, they don't deserve the money while Natalie is already counting votes and declaring that Jeff is her present to Pinhead in the jury house. Ironically, and with a straight face, she says that karma is a bitch. You just know that it would never occur to her in her misplaced arrogance that said karma would ever come after her worthless ass. Next.
Meanwhile, our doomed showmance couple is facing a lengthy and tragic one to two week separation. Holy Montague! How ever will they survive the pain? They convene in the backyard where Jeff tries to soothe Jordan who is mad that Jeff will need to go to the jury house and she'll be bored without him. Big Brother, never one to miss an opportunity to pile on the cheese, provides a mournful soundtrack as Jeff muses that it was written in the stars that he and Jordan meet in the house, that he was not going to win and that his “time will come”, whatever that means. His advice for Jordan is to stick with Natalie and Michele and play them against each other. He thinks Michele will definitely take Jordan to the final two over Natalie. Jeff also thinks she has a good chance to win while Jordan thinks Jeff is the only deserving winner. Aww, how cute! They even talk about a good-bye kiss on camera after the eviction. All the bases are thus covered.
Whole misadventured piteous (unsuccessful) overthrows
While one of their fates is sealed either way, Jordan is ready to fall on her dagger, er, sword for Jeff. Two votes would be needed for Jeff to stay, Natalie's being the crucial one. Jeff thinks he can persuade her to keep the vote out of Kevin's hands and keep him but Natalie refuses off the bat even after Jeff presents some semi-valid points: Natalie could gain two allies instead of sticking with just one and Kevin would not target her when Michele or Jeff are still in the house. What she wants though is a “sweeter” deal from him. And perhaps a way to avoid double entendres and unintended irony. Kevin follows their kitchen conference, without sound, on his HoH spy monitor and knows that Natalie has his fate in her hands. He also knows that she can't be trusted since she didn't help him during the Pandora's Box fiasco. It seems everyone has an epiphany in this game just one week too late.
With such slim prospects, the lovebirds snuggle in bed and discuss the essentials. Jordan wants Jeff to tell her when he knows for sure that she's leaving because she wants to wear her best outfit. He doesn't think that she's leaving. Jeff just wants to make out all week and kiss Jordan right before he steps out the door on eviction night. They practice the kissing maneuver which Jeff wants to “dirty up” a bit for the live show. I sense a Diary Room session for Jeff in which producers provide him with a list of “dirty up” options suitable for prime time television.
The next day, Jeff and Michele discuss the situation. They agree that Natalie could guarantee herself a sweet deal by keeping Jeff and they actually sound like they'd honor this deal. They talk about throwing the HoH to her, then voting out Kevin thereby assuring that Natalie would make it to final three. They think Natalie would be an idiot to not take the deal. I can sympathize with their frustration but I fear Natalie is quite the idiot. For the record, I'm basing my completely irrational assessment of Natalie's intellect on the monstrous size of her constantly flared nostrils, so my opinion might not be quite scientific. Or valid, for that matter.
Later that evening, Jeff lays out the deal to Natalie. She recognizes that it's a good deal and she has good option right now from both sides. But will she stop lusting for revenge over her sweet oustead Pinhead for long enough to appreciate it? My money says no. Not with those nostrils.
Want to know more about Michele? To find out about her likes and dislikes in vivid, excruciating detail, and I do mean detail, head on over to our Spoiler Forum and do a search, but if you want the sweet, G rated version, Big Brother's got her loving hubby ready to extol her, er, virtues on national television.
In a time-honored segment, Big Brother heads to the current HoH's hometown – in this case Pasadena, CA – to hear from her family. Hubby, Tim, says theirs was love at first sight and he describes Michele as being “quite the nerd” who had a hard time in school as an outcast. She is clumsy but Tim finds that cute and she also has memory problems. Big Brother helpfully provides footage of the many times Michele said “I don't remember this conversation” in the house. Seeing her crying is hard on Tim but he knows that she's just trying to win a boatload of money for them and he knows she's a fighter.
Back live in the living room, Julie wants to chat with the hamsters. Did I forget to mention her before? Oops. The stats: No camel toe. Semi-poufy hair. Weird, black and white flying-saucer-crossed-with-a-bullseye pendant on a stiff wire around her neck. Big belly and a bigger smile. Now you're all caught up. She wants to know how Kevin felt while watching the others literally raking the cash off of the backyard lawn. He say he normally doesn't mind being bent and handcuffed over a box but this was not one of those times. Julie interject something about family hour and I suddenly remember that Kevin was my pre-show favorite.
Natalie has a convoluted explanation about why she rushed to collect cash instead of helping Kevin. She babbles something about not making the others suspicious about her clue. Whatever, I skipped that episode. Next Julie shows some footage of their slippery HoH competition and asks Jeff to rate the best fall. He says Kevin's were good but Natalie wins the dubious honor. Sucking up at the last minute perhaps?
Big Brother has lots of cameras in the house that record lots of incriminating footage and sometimes that footage can be used against you. Julie chirps that Natalie revealed a secret this week – a statement that Natalie greets with a panicked expression for a minute until it's revealed that her big secret is that she is afraid of dragon flies and other bugs. Take out a front page ad in the LA Times, Natalie can scream louder than a whole smelly sty full of hungry piglets!
Time to check in with the losers again. Lydia - her hair newly dyed black - and Pinhead have been spending good times by the pool for more than a week now during which time Lydia has apparently forgotten the drama and remembered her inexplicable fascination with the pinheaded real life Michelin Man. They're both looking forward to seeing Jeff and telling him about how karma is a bitch – there it is again, the sweet irony of delusion! Makes me laugh every time. Lydia is bummed when Russell finally walks in, but for Pinhead such a sad occurrence is just another opportunity for a gratuitous display of his over-pumped torso. He dramatically rips his tank top in two making me groan out loud and not with delight. Damn you Big Brother!
Russell dishes about the past week and says Natalie has a good chance to win which is when both Lydia and the Pinhead inform him of a few little facts such as that Natalie is 24 years old and not 18 as she's claiming in the house. They all agree that her lie is not going to help her in the end. They watch the week's DVD and get depressed over Jeff's big wins but both Russell and Jessie would still consider voting for Jeff is he is in the final two. Moving on.
Talking with Kevin up in the HoH room, Julie wants to know how much he trusts Natalie. He doesn't but has no choice at this juncture. He says he has to do what he has to do. Yeah, 'cause we haven't heard that one before, Kevin!
The fearful passage of their (eviction)-mark'd love
Done with the preliminaries, Julie takes it back to the living room and gives Jeff and Jordan a chance to make a final speech. I'm not expecting either “Yea, noise? then I'll be brief. O happy dagger! ” or “Thus with a kiss I die” but Jordan's speech is a rambling mess that she claims she didn't prepare as she goes on telling the others to vote based on game while Jeff babbles on about destiny and about the “18 year old” who stands in his way. It's a last ditch effort on his part made unwittingly more pointed by the jury house discussion of Natalie's real age. Methinks one of these days karma will really, really be a bitch for somebody. Can't wait.
The live vote holds few surprises. Natalie evicts Jeff to avenge the Pinhead while Michele votes to evict Jordan thus forcing Kevin to break the tie, which he does, evicting Jeff. Hugs and kisses all around, no big kiss with Jordan and Jeff is out the door to a standing ovation from the live audience. After he leaves, Natalie says the only thing she has in the game is her word. Hee!
Julie grills him about evicting Russell but Jeff is convinced he made the right decision. He feels that if he'd won that POV he'd have won the game. She also tells him that the fans want to know why after having the coup d'etat power he still chose to ally himself with Natalie and Kevin but Jeff's explanation makes little sense and it's nothing you haven't heard before. Poor Jeff doesn't yet know that he's a gullible fool. There's some talk about the big kiss that never was – Jeff says he gets fired up and forgets stuff sometimes - then we're finally on to the HoH competition.
In the backyard, there's another familiar setup: a large circle divided in three by high walls. The competition is called Fact or Fiction. Julie will make statements which the hamsters will need to answer with either “Fact “, by stepping backward, or “Fiction by stepping forward”. Each correct answer means one point. The winner is the hamster with the most points after seven questions. It's interesting to note that Michele is playing barefoot while Jordan and Natalie are both wearing shoes. In the end her smart idea didn't amount to much as after 7 questions the game is in a three-way tie. In the tiebreaker round, Julie asks them to write down how many cans the houseguests had in their tubes at the end of the “Can Do” HoH game. Michele says 65, Jordan says 24 while Natalie says 75 with the correct answer being 91 cans. She immediately yells a big classy lie saying “I won by sticking to my word” and something about this being for Chima. Remember that karma thing, Natalie!
How many times combined was the word “karma” uttered on this episode of Big Brother or mentioned in this recap? PM me the answer and win your very own Natalie voodoo doll. Free pins included! Hurry! Contest ends on finale night and it's the only fun we might still have this season...