Two people are in the jury house, six people are still in the game, the math doesn't quite add up for a majority vote but, hey, this is Big Brother, so expect that cliched unexpected any minute now! I'm not sure I can do that, not after having watched all seasons of this cheese, but what I am expecting is another juicy eviction and another week of me not watching the feeds. Perhaps it's the thought of staring at this Natalie chick who reminds me of Maggie from Season 6 that's keeping me away from the feeds, perhaps I'm just looking for an excuse to have a summer, such as that is here in Chicago.
Julie is back, looking all mommy-to-be, giddily announcing that we're finally down to six hamsters. I wonder what she'll name the baby? If I were her I'd discount every name that ever appeared on Big Brother, you know, so I won't have to be back here next season writing about how she called her kid either Eric, Maggie, Dick or June. We wouldn't want that! After 11 seasons of Big Brother it will be tough going but she can always go with, say, Rufus or Desdemona...
Out here in the fields
As things stand right now, Jeff is HoH while Kevin and Natalie are still plotting to flip things around by playing him and getting Russell out. Jeff put Kevin and Natalie on the block but then won the veto, removed Kevin and nominated Russell, all while making a pact with them for his own safety. A pact that neither Natalie nor Kevin plan on honoring, you know, because why the hell would they? Oh, yeah and Natalie wore a pink bandanna as a headband to the Veto ceremony. Just thought I'd delight all of my fellow style sensitive humans with that revolting little tidbit. If I had any lingering guilt over not watching the feeds this season, they have now been officially removed. Can't deal with headbands, just can't! But let's talk show instead.
You can take a guess who was royally screwed at the Veto ceremony (Russell and Jeff too although he doesn't know it, dumb as he is), who was ecstatically happy in its aftermath (Kevin) and who got on my last nerve (all of them). Jeff is quite pleased with himself and the sucker deal he made with Kevin and Natalie. He is looking forward to pulling off the big backdoor maneuver and getting rid of Russell who is understandably pissed over this blindside.
Meanwhile, both Kevin and Natalie run around schmoozing Jordan and Jeff but secretly plotting to get Jeff out at the first chance they get. There's talk of final four, loads of insincere sucking up and secret celebration in the supply room. I'm pretty sure it's not called the supply room but my memory is faulty and I'm too lazy to look up what we've been calling it. As for Michele, with her only ally up on the block, it's tears of frustration for her in the Splish Splash room with Russell trying to comfort her by saying she should win. But wait, it's not over!
I fight for my meals
Out in the backyard, things finally come to a head when Jeff tries to present his betrayal as some sort of big strategy move on his part. Russell is not impressed and the yelling starts. The highlights are:
And so it goes. Jeff feels that Russell should go just for being so loud and incapable of being accommodating and taking his apparent backstabbing lying down. Meanwhile, Russell thinks Kevin is a swing vote and can be talked into keeping him. He offers Kevin safety and, as he puts it, a chance to make a big move and win the game. For his part, Kevin mulls it over in his confessional, but it's probably all just for show. The Natalie-Kevin Gag Me Express is barreling full steam ahead and there seems to be no way of derailing it by means of either logic or threats.
- Russell hopes Jeff will win because if he makes it to the jury house Russell will make minced meat out of him
- Jeff threatens to have it out with him right then there and says he's not scared of threats
- Natalie brings out Jordan who starts screaming as well that Russell can't go out with dignity
- Jeff is entirely fond of saying “you got got”
By next day, things are not much calmer. Russell feels he has nothing to lose and his big idea is to point out the threat that Jeff is to the house. Jeff attempts to let the talk roll off his back but Jordan takes the bait and raises the volume. They go back and forth, hurling accusation at each other and goading each other. She even foolishly body checks Russell after which Russell resorts to some funny name calling, yelling “fatty, go eat cookie dough” at Jordan and “lapdog” at Jeff.
I'd really like to tell you more about the big showy fight but I'm not too fond of reporting on sandbox tiffs between overgrown toddlers. Besides, it's all quite funny especially Russell's “lapdog” accusations which are right on the money. He's also right on the money pointing out amid all the screaming that Natalie and Kevin are playing Jeff like a fiddle and that nobody should trust anybody. Does Jeff listen? Does this all register? Er, no. Russell then changes tact telling Natalie and Kevin that Jeff will put everyone up, including them. Oh, well, he tried. I know there will be one eviction I'm going to truly enjoy and it won't be the one this week. Jeffy, I used to like you till you went all stupid on me!
I put my back into my living
And now for a bit of fun we go to the Jury House, where Pinhead Jessie is free to wear hot pink tights with black stars on them in total solitude. Well, except for all those CBS cameras. He has time to work the weights, lounge is his manly pink tights right by the pool and pose atop a fake boulder pretending he is Mr. Universe. When not oiling his biceps or admiring his buff self in the mirror, he finds time to watch his goodbye DVD which is how he finds out about Lydia and Natalie's little heart to heart and the fact that Lydia plans on kicking his 'roid sculpted ass if she makes it to the Jury House. However, Pinhead would rather see Jeff walking through the door and getting his just desserts.
Instead, it's Lydia and her hot pink hair, the exact shade of Pinhead's man-tights by the way, walking in and for a minute she mock attacks him and they mock fight. Hey, did you think she was really going kick his ass? Sorry to disappoint but Lydia is all giggly over the Pinhead and even confesses to being ridiculously happy to see him. So much for juicy Jury House drama. They get down to the business of watching Lydia's DVD of stuff Jessie missed including the part where Chima got bounced for her dirty, illegal Big Brother deeds. The most remarkable part about this segment is that Lydia is happy to have a full week with the Pinhead while the Pinhead modestly says he'd be happy too if he were in Lydia's place. You're all free to use that barf bag now.
I don't need to fight, to prove I'm right
We're finally live in the living room since it's time for Julie to chat up the hamsters. Russell laughs off the events of the past week as having been fun and “part of the game”. Jordan's week was different and stressful and she's still miffed about being called a fatty. Waawaawaa! Kevin pretends that he was surprised to be taken off the block and even thanks Jeff. Hee! Next, Julie moves back to Jordan and asks about her fondness for Jeff. She says she's uneasy being kissed on national TV and thats' why she rebuffed Jeff last week. Like anyone gives a damn.
In other news, America, Michele loves churros but can't stand those disgusting chitlins! Can't blame the girl but it looks like she'll be the last one to suffer the indignity of having to contemplate eating such revolting fare: Julie announces that the time of the Haves and Have Nots is officially at an end. This means no nasty foods and no nasty Have Not room either. The hamsters are excited but she says there are other things coming down the pipe that will surprise them. No doubt, no doubt.
I don't need to be forgiven
As customary, Julie has a little chat with the reigning HoH, in this case, Jeff. She wants to know why Jeff blindsided Russell. Jeff says something about how Russell had to go anyway and the fact that house rumors talked about Russell was going after him. Jeff thinks Russell's ouster will be good for his game. Asked whether Kevin and Natalie can be trusted, Jeff says he still controls his destiny and there's always the Veto if all else fails. His frustrations with Jordan are only because Jordan doesn't always focus, but Jeff says he's working on his approach.
Before the vote, we get those lovely final speeches. Natalie goes first and she kisses ass by thanking freackin' CBS productions for putting her on the show – Really? Really? We're now down to thanking the damn producers? She also thanks her other housguests for telling her she will not be voted out. This last part elicits loud boos from the live audience and makes me want to smack that nasty smirk off of Natalie's mug. If she were wearing a bandanna I might have had to fly over to LA... Seriously!
Russell says he was emulating everyone from Evil Dick to Dr. Will, he stuck by the two golden rules of not breaking the rules and not cursing on national TV, he considers personal attacks part of the game and is happy to have been able to play. He wishes them good luck before he is finally evicted buy unanimous vote. Even Michele votes him out, which is a bummer but what else can she do?
With that and gracious hugs for everyone, Russell is a goner and his reward is a little chit chat with the Chenbot. Russell explains about his strategy of being “dynamic” and using personal attacks and big showy fights to rustle up some emotions in the house. He talks about Michele possibly influencing the vote, but says he's not mad about that and thinks it's all in the game. Say what? Not quite clear on this last part but, hey, that's what I get for not following the feeds this season. The goodbye messages are interesting. Jeff says they didn't click and he didn't like how Russell talks to women; Natalie and Kevin are both conciliatory and sportsman-like, clearly working hard for his vote, while Jordan whines and moans again about being called fat and says she “strongly, strongly dislikes” him. Holy Low-Fat Tofu Salad! - the poor girl might need therapy after this one.
It's only... an HoH competition
After all this drama and hilarity, I'm about ready to find out who the next HoH will be. Out in the backyard we get a quick glimpse of a familiar setup. There are four lanes with big barrels full off “chocolate milk” at one end and empty fishbowls on pedestals at the other end with a white ping-pong ball in them. The competition is called The S'more the Merrier nd the object is to fill up those fishbowls with chocolate milk using an 8oz glass until that fake marshmallow rises to the top. The first hamster whose marshmallow rises up high so that he can remove it through one of the three holes in the top, will win HoH. They're all wearing special non-skid booties but the track is slippery so it's slow going. With only a few minutes of show time left, it looks like this one will be an endurance comp.
If you want to find out the end result hop on over to our helpful Spoiler Forum but if you can hold out – or you are like me and can't be bothered this season – just wait for Sunday's show. Save time and electricity, skip the show and be here after next Thursday for a tale of fun fights, screams and another lovely eviction. I promise to cut out all that artery-clogging fat for you!