*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday, BB time*
Hmm. I have a dilemma. Which cam should I watch? I can ogle a shirtless Jeff doing some manscaping in the bathroom...Russell cleaning like mad in the kitchen...Michele and Jordan doing some Jedi drilling...or Kevin and Natalie trying to come up with a plausible version of The Lie.
Sigh. Guess I have to go with The Lie over Jeff’s blue eyes and bare torso. The sacrifices I have to make, I tell you.
So, yeah. Kevin has finally decided to join the game, now that loony tunes Chima is gone. And a big freaking yippee to THAT. No longer in his usual comatose state, Kev hashes out the details of The Lie with Natalie, who is wearing the same blue outfit she wore the previous night. Maybe it’s stuck to her. Ick.
Even more ick is “The Good Hands Girl” Lydia’s revelation the night before of how and where she serviced their liege Jessie. And used Natalie’s stupid yellow sweatshirt to clean up. Which Natalie subsequently wore without washing, while asking what the crusty white stuff was. Almost makes you long for the quaint days of Adam’s nose picking and Dick’s loogies, doesn’t it?
Filthy, nasty little people, these are.
Her Indian name is "Dances With Lobotomy."
But back to The Lie. Natalie and Kevin have been tossing the idea around for a while, revising and rehashing but having trouble coming up with a believable timeline. The whole idea is to sell Jeff a load of bull about how they overheard Russell and Michele conniving to get Jeff gone. Problem is, they can’t say they overheard it weeks ago, because it would seem fishy to be bringing it up now. And since Jordan’s HoH win, she, Jeff, Michele, and Russell have been together pretty much all the time.
The lying liars agree to say that it happened while Jeff was grilling last night. That’s the best they can come up with. And may I add that Natalie is being obnoxiously pushy, wanting Kevin to do all the dirty work. He seems a little waffle-y, but agrees to it anyway. Feh.
Of course, Skankasaurus Rex Lydia is filled in on The Lie, even going to far as to tell Kevin that she thinks the DR people are going to help them out. Because they’re the “fun” people. And the house would be everso boring without them. Delusional, thy name is Lydia.
While Lydia is prattling on, she plops a frozen pizza in the oven. Complete with the cardboard box under it. Kevin removes it before she starts a fire and wanders outside, where Jeff is working out with weights. Shirtless. Sweaty. Damn, would you look at those lats?
*ahem* Where was I? Oh, Lydia and her pizza. She’s browned about ten pounds of ground beef and dumped it on top of the little pizza to create a Meat Lover’s Super Freaking Supreme Carnivore Special. I think you'd have to eat it with a shovel. It’s disgusting.
And where do you take such a culinary disaster to eat it? Why, the bathroom, of course. The nasty, rarely cleaned bathroom. Where a freshly hosed-off Natalie awaits her coven mate. Lydia plans on braiding Nat’s hair into tiny little braids, all the better to keep the small vermin from nesting.
Next, on Extreme Makeover...
Outside where the air is fresh, Jordan is complaining to Jeff - Russell’s been pestering her about her nominations. Russ is parannoying about the crap the others may have told Jordan (and rightly so). Jordan tells him that she already has her noms decided, so there’s no need to flip out. Michele comes outside to eat the food that Russell made for her (suck up!), and they stop talking game.
Five days later, Lydia is still braiding Natalie’s mop. They rip on Michele mercilessly as they work. Who gets called to the DR next? Michele, of course. She goes into the bathroom, gives her hands a quick wash, and runs them through her hair before going into the DR. This leads Lydia and Natalie to begin cackling at how gross Michele is, how she’s being called into the DR to get her meds/electroshock treatment, how she has a crush on Jeff, etc. Jeff comes in next to wash his hands, and they squeal that “At least he knows how to wash his hands, unlike some people!”
Jeff rightfully looks at them like they’re insane, asking if he did something wrong. They tell him no, it’s about Dr. Psycho, aka Michele. He leaves the morons to their idiocy and goes to cook dinner. In a delicious black tank top.
Tired of braiding, the witches take a break. Natalie sees a window of opportunity, telling Kevin to go tell Jeff The Lie now, while he’s alone. Alas, Russell shuffles into the kitchen and ruins her plan. Kevin runs outside like a good boy and reports to Natalie how Russell is guarding Jeff. Back he goes to the kitchen to wait Russell out, but once Jeff and Russ start the sports talk, it’s more than Kevin can bear. He slogs off to the red room.
Lydia and Natalie give up on the plan for now, going off to sleep the sleep of the insane. The others chat outside about ice cream flavors and life plans, because the two go hand in hand. Jordan wants to go back to school when she gets out of BB, maybe do mammography. There’s a joke in there somewhere.
For some reason known only to Jordan, she tells Kevin that he’s going to be safe. Meaning, not nominated. He thanks her, and of course, he promptly goes to tell the coven this exciting news.
Meanwhile, after Jordan announces that she thinks she’s getting her period, she and Jeff head upstairs for some alone time. Which leads to discussion of who to nominate. Backdooring Russell is brought up, because Jeff is still pissed about Russell voting against him to keep Jessie. And they think Russell is lying about coming from a poor family. Russell is still in cahoots with Jessie! But as much as they distrust him, Natalie still seems to be the main target this week. Probably. Maybe.
A few minutes later, Jeff goes outside. Kevin spots him alone and swoops in, telling Jeff all about The Lie. And boy, does he suck at it. In halting speech, Kevin tells Jeff that he promised the girls he wouldn’t say anything (lie!), but he’s just such an honest guy and has to come clean with Jeff (lie!) - he overheard Russell tell Michele in the green room that Jeff and Jordan need to be broken up (lie!). Jeff tells Kevin that he was just talking about that very same thing with Jordan. Hush, Jeff! He says they weren’t going to target Russell until next week, but in light of this new information....
Looks like Jeff fell for it. Damn. Kevin looks both confused and surprised. I'm just plain surprised. Don't pull a Howie, Jeff!
Upstairs, Jordan and Michele have the same conversation, still sounding like they’re leaning towards going after Russell, but next week. Jordan chirps that she thinks final three will be her, Jeff, and Michele. Michele agrees, while Kevin runs to tell the coven about his conversation with Jeff. He’s not totally convinced that Jeff wasn’t just blowing smoke up his skirt, and tells the girls to act all depressed, like they’re going to be booted.
Then, Jeff and Jordan get together and talk about the conversation he had with Kevin. Jeff sounds like he believed Kevin. Jordan isn’t totally sure that Kevin is being truthful, and wonders why Michele didn’t mention the meeting with Russell. Because it never happened!! Jordan seems to trust Michele, while Jeff...not so much. They both decide to ask Michele about the non-existent meeting with Russell later. They do, and of course, she can’t remember any such meeting.
Bag of bones, my ass.
And so the night goes, with Jeff and Jordan going in mind-numbing circles over Russell this week or Russell next week. BB sends them all to bed early, making for a boring night (and not much for this recapper to work with). One unexpected scene - while Kevin and Natalie are grilling Lydia about how far she went with Jessie, Kevin disses Jessie’s personality, saying it sucked. Hee! Natalie pipes up and says she liked him because he was a Good Person, but she wasn’t into him physically at all. She says she was playing him right from the start. Somewhere, Jessie’s enormous ego withers just a little bit. Even Lydia joins in on the Jessie-bashing, but I can't say for sure that she meant it. All it would take is one look and she'd be diving under the covers with him.
And in the next room, Russell can hear the whole thing. He laughs his ass off.
Morning creaks into the hamster hut, with Jordan and Michele discussing the order of keys for the nomination ceremony, then moving on to makeup and wardrobe choices. You know, the important stuff. Jordan tries her best to stretch out a pair of jeans so she can fit her slightly-larger behind in them. Russell has become the Zach of BB11, able to stop any conversation dead in its tracks by merely making an appearance. Kevin, Lydia, and Natalie contemplate what lies they can tell in the jury house to muck up the game, and how they can mess with Michele’s head to make her seem crazy to the others.
Nat begins whining about how BB hasn’t tailored any of the comps to suit her talents (what, a world’s record for consecutive days without showering?) and I’m almost glad Skippy shoots us to fish. Once back, the hamsters learn what wonderful food we have bestowed upon them this week: pepperoni and jalapeno peppers! Indigestion, here we come. I hope we gifted them with some Tums, too.
As they put their goodies away, they await the nomination ceremony. More bitching to come, I’m sure.
*Thanks to TheIrishEyes for the Nat cap!