*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday, BB time*
Ahhh. My first Ronnie-free recap of the season. No more of his smugness, no more of his hyper-drive lying, no more of his odd hatred for Michele, and no more of his self-exiled pouting and crying when the widdle baby’s game went to hell. I can turn on the feeds and not be forced to listen to his nasally voice. No matter what cam I desperately switched on to get away from him, he was always, always there. But no more. He’s gone. Gone back to the World of Warcraft, or Mario Kart, or whatever the heck he plays. His douchiness shall be mentioned no more.
My shift begins with the Great Unwashed, Natalie, actually taking another shower. Guess America’s call-in comments stung a little bit. Or maybe the stinging was just the caked on crud. Either way, I’m sure everyone’s olfactory senses are pleased that she’s washing the stank off. Jessie is splayed out on the fainting couch, looking ill. You think it was all the booze he knocked back last night? Nah.
He wanders outside, where he gets into a mock argument with Lydia. Something about a previous bet involving her wearing a thong over her head, and she’s trying to get out of the deal by making Jessie lasagna, which he loves. Jessie says no, still have to wear the head-thong, and Lydia says...what’s that? You don’t care what these two pea-brains are talking about? Yeah, neither do I. Moving along.
Sit up, girl. You look like something Evel Dick hacked up three seasons ago.
Because this is sooo much better: Russell thinks it’s hilarious that Chima believes herself to be America’s Next Top Model material, ripping on her two hour makeup routines and her two hour take-the-makeup-off routines while Lydia listens. She tells him that maybe he should just be nice, but he’s not having any of that. He can do any damn thing he pleases this week, since he thinks he’s going home anyway. He’s going to make Chima miserable while he’s got a chance.
In the bathroom, Jeff is giving Jessie a haircut while Jessie’s groupies watch. Yeah, Lydia and Natalie. Lydia keeps telling Jeff to get this spot, get that spot - Jeff snorts “Are you f***ing telling DaVinci how to paint?” Jeff finishes and Lydia fixes what she thinks Jeff missed. Really, she just wanted to paw all over Jessie. Chima storms in and bellows that the movie winners need to get their butts upstairs NOW for the movie. Jessie whines that he wants a shower first, and could Chima please nuke his steak for him in the microwave so he can eat it during the movie? Maybe she could powder his little butt for him after his shower, too.
Then Russell pounces. He mocks her for thinking she’s model material, and she retorts that he’s America’s Next Top Terrorist. Russell volleys back with a comment about how she stuck Braden with the racist label when she’s the biggest racist there. “You’re a terrorist! You’re a terrorist!” she shrieks back. Jordan looks for a place to hide while the others do their best to ignore the screeching.
Then we go to fish. Because BB is very selective in how they’ll let people make asses of themselves on the feeds. Cucumber fellating, strip teases and hamster sex, yes. Racist comments, no. I see how you are, Grodner.
I'm so proud! I took a real shower, with soap and everything!
Back from fish, and the movie watchers are upstairs, presumably enjoying the flick. I’m assuming there’s a security guard up there standing between Chima and Russell. Lydia and Kevin sit outside and wonder about the wizard power while Jeff roots around in the garden for something to eat. Lydia goes in to shower, Jeff finds something edible and takes it inside, and Michele joins Kevin on the couch for some mighty awkward conversation. Kevin was just bashing Michele to Lydia earlier.
Jeff stir fries the greens he picked - honestly, how boring are Sundays when all I have to report on is Jeff’s lunch - as Michele leaves the utter boringness that is Kevin and wanders in to see what Jeff’s cookin’. She laughed that she thought she saw bacon bits in the pan, and says there must have been a bacon bush in the garden. Jeff thinks a bacon bush would be awesome. I ponder the idea of growing a whole BLT sandwich in my garden as Kevin sits outside, comatose.
I wish I could reach through the monitor and poke him with a stick. Poke, poke.
Another bout of fish/trivia/flags/Mission Control room and the movie has let out. Movie candy is dispersed (Jeff likes black licorice, as do I), and it doesn’t take long for Russell to start happily rehashing his tiff with Chima to anyone who will listen. Hung-over Jessie is parannoying to Natalie about something Russell said before the movie. Russ implied that Something Big was going to go down before the vote Thursday, and he (Russ) might not be the one going home. Meaning, the Coup. The Wizard Powers. The big Cootie Ta.
And Jessie’s stressing. I highly doubt Jeff told Russell anything about having the power, so I assume Russell’s just slinging the BS to Jessie. Either way, it’s working. A worried, whiny Jessie is much preferred over smug King Jessie. Hopefully I can dump this stupid avatar after Thursday.
Just put a bag over his head, Jeff. It's hopeless.
Jordan enthralls Jessie and Natalie (who have been awfully chatty with her recently) with stories of her high school days. Hey, at least it’s not a poop story. Elsewhere, Chima is calling Russell everything unsuitable for a PG-13 site such as this. She goes on to compare herself to Kathy Griffin and says that we, America, think that Chima is just wonderful for calling Russell a terrorist. She happily tells Kevin that she might spit on Russell to provoke him into hitting her, thereby getting expelled. She’s been beat up before, she’s not afraid of that MFer. Skippy no like, so we get to watch the fish again.
Actually, I think we see more fish this evening than hamsters. Sunday Skippy needs to relax. It’s like - Jordan tells the others about [FISH] and Chima goes outside and [FISH] while [FISH] then Jeff takes off his [FISH] and [FISH][FLAGS] puts [TRIVIA][FISH][FISH][FISH]. Really, now. Take a Xanax, Skippy.
In between FISH and sunbathing (wtf, did melanoma not sign a release form?), Jeff tries to explain to Russell that he’ll never win with Chima, and it’s best to just let it drop. Russell agrees, but proudly proclaims that he never said anything racial, unlike Chima, and at least he can live with that. He then righteously goes to jump in the pool.
Lydia and Chima enjoy some girl bonding as they recall all the foul nicknames they called Laura. Skeet bucket is one of the less offensive ones, if you can believe. Charming, these two. In the yard, Russell and Jeff take turns farting, waking up Michele in the process. Someone give these people a board game or something, please. We can only take so much.
Chima and Natalie take the Russell bash-a-thon upstairs to the HoH lair so they can call him foul things in comfort. When - oh, the horror! - they spy Jessie downstairs talking to Russell. Which is not allowed, per Queen Chima. It’s in the rule book. Page 37. She fumes, not knowing that the two guys are just talking about muscles and protein and such. Jessie finally comes upstairs, bearing gifts of food for her Highness. Chima demands to know what they were talking about, and spits “Bulls****!” when Jessie tells her. Taking a bite of her steak that was brought to her, she yells that it’s cold. Pigpen Natalie pipes up that hers is cold, too. He takes them to be reheated, the assnozzle.
Obligatory shirtless Jeff cap.
Chima then plans her goodbye message to Russell, wanting it to be nasty. Somehow, I don’t think it’ll be a stretch for her. Nasty Nat is quite proud of herself for coming up with smartassy messages when she casts a vote, none of which have impressed me one bit. Wit isn’t her strong suit. Neither is bathing, but that’s another story.
Outside, Russell has become Jeff’s new bestest buddy, wanting to share all the information he’s gathered up since he’s been in the house. Because he wants Jeff to win. And because Russell is sorta drunk. He’s come up with some silliness about putting grains of rice in baggies, that will correspond with the number of days they’ve been in the house, how many pictures are on the walls, etc. His version of Jedi drilling.
Jeff’s response? “Just f-in tell me!”
Oh course, Chima gets wind of Russell’s alcohol intake for the night (five beers and one bottle of wine so far). So now he’s an alcoholic terrorist. Wait, an alcoholic, misogynistic terrorist. Yeah, that’s it. Lydia makes some slop cookies for the resident terrorist, because as he puts it, Natalie’s cookies suck. Drunk Russell is fun!
Jordan exclaims that she’s going to do crunches later, while inhaling her fifth box of candy. She plops on Jeff’s lap - a nice place to be, I’m sure - while Drunk Russell comes up with a plan: he wants to do a three person DR with Jeff and Jordan in honor of Casey. He excitedly runs off to the DR to ask about it, but Jeff speaks into his mic and pleads for BB to say no. Jeff seems to be tiring of his new best buddy, and doesn’t much like the fact that Russell keeps announcing that Jeff will be in the final two. Jeff doesn’t want that target on his back.
Upstairs in the Ivory Tower, the Queen and her minions discuss the wizard power. They seem to think Jeff may have it. Maybe Michele. But probably Jeff. Chima bellows for the umpteenth time that she’s going to GO AWF on Thursday if the power is used to wreck her plans. *crossing my fingers* Jessie ponders putting Jeff up on the block as a good faith move - it would prove to Jeff that if he was up against Russell, he’d stay. No, it didn’t make sense to me as I typed it, either. Chima wanted to bring Jeff up and threaten him with that plan, then decided it might be a bad thing if he does indeed have the power. Jessie whines about the unfairness of it all. I laugh at how unbelievably dumb these two are.
The plan eventually evolves into them getting all in Jeff’s face Thursday about how awful Russell the terrorist is and how Russell is out to screw over every one of them. This will lead Jeff to believe them and will fluster Russell. See dumb comment above.
Beer + wine + Russell = bad things.
Drunk Russell is no longer Fun Russell. The buzz is wearing off, and he sits in the backyard, talking out loud to noone in particular. He sighs loudly, staring at the ground. He tells his dad that he’s sorry for not winning. F bombs are dropped. Russell sniffs, wiping his nose, looking pretty damn sad. He gets up and goes straight to the DR, where he’s buzzed in immediately.
Back outside later, Russell runs off his drunk. Laps around the backyard, then he has a virtual boxing match with his reflection in the mirror. Complete with caveman sounds. The meltdown goes into its final phase, with Russell stomping, punching and kicking the air, screaming as he does so. And I mean screaming. I assume these are MMA exercises. I hope. Sweaty and foaming at the mouth, he goes inside to collapse on the bathroom fainting couch. Jordan tells him that she thought he was really fighting someone out there. BB immediately hides the remaining booze and alerts the psychiatrist.
Nothing of note happens for the rest of my shift - they finally drift off to sleep, even though sugar-happy Jordan wanted to stay up and play guessing games. In the morning, Chima spackles her makeup on, BB yells at the comatose Jessie to get his ass up and change his batteries six times, and the rest wait for the veto ceremony. Will Kevin use it or not? Eh, you know he won’t. Boring little hamster that he is.
*Big thanks to TheIrishEyes and JustJuls for the caps!