**This recap covers from noon Monday to noon Tuesday, BB Time**
Ah, my first recap of the new Big Brother season. I can almost detect that new car smell radiating off of my feeds. I already have it in my head that there is no way these hamsters can compare to my precious Dan/Memphis sweethearts last season, but there's no way they can be as bad as Season 9. Right? Okay, don't answer that.
My shift begins with the hamsters doing a little more of what they usually do... nothing!! Laura and
FabioBraden are in the backyard hanging out while the other hamsters filter in and out from the kitchen to the backyard. Lydia looks like doom and gloom, wearing her shades inside with a pouty face that could give the one and only pout princess, Daniele Donato, a run for her money. Casey and Lydia are talking about his life as a teacher. Chima and Kevin are talking about how much they love Target. Yep, exciting stuff. All 4 cameras switch to Jeff in the bathroom. Skippy and his minions are getting lazy this year. We don't have much of a camera variety and we are still only in our first week of feeds. Someone slip Skippy some of that special KoolAid! Anywho, I suppose if I have to watch someone on all 4 feeds, I'd rather it be Jeff than pinhead Jessie. Jeff leaves the bathroom, but Skippy doesn't really feel like changing our view. We get all 4 cameras on an empty bathroom. Awesome. Let me remind you folks that we pay for this. We pay to watch an empty bathroom.
Yoo hoo! Skippy! Wake up!
Just when I thought my shift was going to be a total snoozefest, Braden comes out of the woodwork with some completely inappropriate remarks causing an uproar amongst the hamsters. Apparently Braden does know more words than “dude” and “gnarly”. Lydia and Kevin are sitting in the shade outside chatting and minding their own business when Braden comes over and lays into Lydia about selling him out. He claims he knew he was going up on the block and says that Russell gave him a heads up and that everyone knew. She claims she never suggested that he be put up. He thinks it's sad that she isn't going to make it to the jury round. Guess what totally rad surfer boy, neither are you!
These people really do fit into the “high school clique” theme quite well, because this argument is absolutely ridiculous. I think high school kids might have more class than these people. Lydia is just constantly telling Braden he's right and awesome in a super annoying sarcastic tone, and Braden is just being a douche. He tells Lydia she should get another tattoo on her ass. Kevin admits to being the one who suggested Braden go on the block. Braden then tells Kevin he can get a tattoo on his man part. I won't use the word Braden used. Braden then tells Kevin to stick a banana up his ass. Yes Braden, since Kevin is gay he must love shoving fruit in his behind. Lord. Kevin doesn't stand for this and gets up and starts screaming at Braden. Put on your Hazmat suits ladies and gents, because the f bombs are starting to fly! Braden calls Kevin an “f'in Mexican from San Diego” and then calls him a “beaner”. Oh no he didn't!!!!! Lydia comes to life and screams at Braden for disrespecting a culture like that and gives him the finger, telling him to F off. Braden like, doesn't even like, care dude. He calls them both beaners.
Lydia: “Kiss my Latin f***ing ass!!”
The f bombs drop even more now, mostly from Lydia's mouth. She's a feisty one. Kevin calls Braden a racist and Lydia just screams the f word in various forms. I think if I look close enough, I can possibly see a demon emerging from her mouth. I'm just waiting for her head to start spinning. Kevin asks Braden what ethnicity Braden thinks he is and Braden calls him a Mexican. Kevin fires back with the typical Maury show banter: You don't know me, you don't know what I'm about, etc. Jeff jumps in and tries to smooth things over by telling Kevin that what Braden said was wrong. Kevin rambles on and on that he can't believe Braden called him a beaner and a Mexican. He tells Braden that Braden is the joke of the house. Apparently everyone laughs when Braden claims he slept with 40 Playboy models. If by “Braden” you mean “Hugh Hefner”, then that's probably accurate.
Lydia is on the psycho war path and her next victim is Jordan. Lydia tries to Jordan to turn against Jeff, saying that he's a liar and he didn't defend Lydia against big bad Braden. Jordan stands up for herself and Lydia gets mad and walks out of the room. The melee continues when Lydia lays into Jeff for not helping her out. He says that she sold everyone out in order to save herself. Jessie secretly stands in the HoH doorway and listens to the whole thing. Lydia tells Jeff she hates him. Uh oh, someone is going to have to go to the principal's office!
Bitch! My hair isn't ash blonde, it's light ash blonde!
Kevin and Lydia retreat to the HoH room, and Braden comes in attempting to apologize for his earlier remarks. They don't want to listen and leave. Drama Queen Lydia goes another round with Jordan. Jordan screams that she always talks to Lydia but Lydia says she doesn't. She doesn't like her name always being thrown into things because she's friends with Jeff. Jordan goes out into the hammock and cries. Awww. I actually kind of like Jordan. She's the most tolerable so far of the bunch. Russell comforts Jordan and they talk about keeping personal things separate from game things.
Phew, what a way to start my shift. After the big blowouts, the rest of the afternoon passes pretty quietly.
Here's a list of what happened the rest of the day. Because, you know, lists are cool.
-Jordan reveals that her mom is part Indian.
-Apparently Ronnie told Laura that Michele wants Laura gone next. Then they passed notes and pinky swore to meet after school by the cafeteria.
-Jessie really wants to be a WWE wrestler. I'm not sure that both his arms and his ego could fit inside the ring together.
-Chima compares her current “have not” living situation to waterboarding. Um yes. Those are so similar. Idiot.
-The hamsters have a pretty good time with each other, except for Lydia who avoids the group most of the day.
A match made in
it's exactly time for Big Brother After Dark on Showtimethe dullness of the day, the Big Brother alcohol fairy pays the house a visit. There's a bottle of wine and some beer. If alcohol is what these hamsters need to liven them up, I say pop it open and drink up baby! Russell and Laura chug beers. Well, Russell chugs and Laura attempts the chug. The more alcohol they drink, the looser their lips become. Jordan, Chima, Michele, Laura, Jeff, Ronnie, Kevin, Russell, Braden, and Casey are in the backyard and talk turns to one night stands. Michele admits to having a one night stand which causes everyone to cheer. Super smart nueroscientists need some random stranger love too! Woo! Let's hear it for the horny nerds! Surprisingly, Laura admits that she has never even made out with a stranger she's met out at a bar. Hmm. Apparently there is some class under those huge funbags. Anyway, back to Michele. Apparently her hook-up was quite well endowed. Jordan had sex one night when she was drunk and her vajayjay was a-painin' the next day. Hey, I can't make this stuff up folks. Jordan starts asking some really nasty questions about fingers and butts. She starts to tell a story about a girl she knew in high school and... fish! Michele starts spilling details of her sex life with her husband. She says she does everything and tries everything because she's married. Jordan slams herself, saying she's pretty sure she isn't very good at sex. The backyard crew tells Michele she is like the band camp girl from the American Pie movie. More talk ensues about sex toys, masturbation, and bodily functions. I will spare you. Well, one last tidbit. Michele has a buttplug and she licks her husband's butt. You can thank me later.
The late night hours pass without a whole lot of action. Once midnight strikes, the “have nots” are allowed to eat once again. Ronnie claims he once again feels human. Casey and Russell call Ronnie “sneaky” and say that he talks game nonstop. They also think Braden is smooth and Lydia is a bit over the top. Really? I don't think Lydia is over the top at all. *rolling eyes* Casey and Jessie bro it up in the storage room. Jessie tells Casey that he has Casey's back then they grunt and scratch. Okay, not really. A little more chit chat between all the hamsters ensues, and eventually everyone heads to bed.
Around 8:30am, BB gives the “get your asses out of bed” shout-out. The lazy slugs wander around, change batteries, brush their teeth, etc. Ronnie thinks they will be taping their goodbye messages. Jordan thinks she is back in Lydia's good graces. I'd tell you what Braden thinks, but we know he doesn't really do much of that.
Back off ladies. He's taken.
Braden and Juiced Up Jessie have a little convo and Braden says he is going to fight to stay. Braden throws Chima under the bus and says that he is more reliable and easier to read.
Meat and MeatierJessie and Russell talk about how Jessie trusts Ronnie and he's going to play like Ronnie annoys him. As my shift comes to an end, the houseguests get put on indoor lockdown. They continue their cycle of nothingness. Good times.
Thanks to my Fort clique members waywyrd and JustJuls for the caps!
If you have any fun band camp stories, PM me.