Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, back again this year to bring you all the hamster happenings in the house! (Did ya notice my alliteration? Did ya?) It’s summer, so of course Allison and company have cooped up 12 houseguests who were most likely nominated by their friends and family just to get them out of their hair for the summer. Oh, and then there is one re-tread. You know, I watched last Thursdays show and all I kept saying was, “Anyone but Jessie. Anyone but Jessie”. But as has been my fate over the past 3 seasons of BB or so – my pleas to the reality gods went unheeded. If you want to know how we got saddled with the giant tool once again, please read MsFroggy’s most excellent recap of last Thursday, here.
We join the house at the dawn of Jessie’s reign. Jessie enters like he actually had to do something to win the HoH, bellowing for his Athletes and they participate in the traditional greetings of jocks everywhere – stopping just short of sniffing each others butts. Kevin echoes my feelings of Jessie, calling him a meathead and Lydia realizes that conversation with Jessie may be too high of a goal, she is going to search for some baser common ground. Good luck with that, Lydia. Chima is just pissed that the Athletes got another player when it is the Brains who really need the help. Another brain, Ronnie, feels he can out think Jessie. Dude, a rock can out think your new HoH.
And so it begins, the how far up Jessie’s ass can Lydia go? As it turns out, pretty darn far. She opines that Jessie’s muscles are ‘epic’ and that if they had a toga party, Jessie would be Zeus. Judging by the blank look on Jessie’s face, I’m not so sure he got that reference to the chief Greek god. Russell did, though, and he didn’t look happy about the way Lydia is playing the game. Ass kissing does not sit well with this alleged Master Brain of the Athletes. Jessie tries to recruit Jeff in the storage room – no not for a toaster oven – he wants Jeff to be his spy. Jeff says that he is not so sure he has a better take on the houseguests than Jessie and later on in the DR lays the nominations squarely back on Jessie’s shoulders.
We get our first glimpse of this year's HoH room – it’s pretty cool with a huge mural of a sea coast and a rock wall water feature behind the head board. Jessie says that being the first HoH of the season is a bit like ‘kissing your best friend’s girlfriend’ – what, not as good as kissing your best friend? Wait, oh, he means because there may be some ‘repercussions’. Wait, Jessie knew the word ‘repercussion’? I smell a producer.
After Lydia’s more blatant ass kissing, Ronnie is down right finessing his chance. He wants Jessie to make an alliance between the Brains and the Athletes – “revenge of the Nerds all over again.” Jessie is surprisingly en pointe with this idea and asks Ronnie straight out if he wants to make a deal. Ronnie sells his clique out as novices in the game and says he can sway them anyway Jessie wants. Ronnie plays up the angle that this would be an unexpected alliance in the house – and Jessie seems receptive. Afterall, it may be the only way he ever has access to a brain.
Over a game of chess (anyone else surprised that Jessie knows how to play? Or did he just think it was really just some fancy checkers?) Russell begins laying his ground work for what I believe will be masterful gameplay if he doesn’t get too cocky with it. He points out to Jessie that Lydia should be watched and that the game is a foot. Wait, did I say masterful gameplay? I meant Mr. Obvious. In yet another chess game, Jessie plays Natalie while Laura gives him a heaping dose of flattery on a shingle. You know her desperation is showing when even Jessie can figured out he is being stroked. Jessie ends up check mating Natalie who cannot admit she has lost – this leads to some good natured teasing with Natalie giving Jessie the best zinger about how Jessie only could come back because he LOST last season. Jessie likes Natalie in that he sees a lot of himself in her.
He later confides in her about the alliance with the Brains. Natalie thinks this is a good idea. Meanwhile, Ronnie is filling Chima in on the deal. The four of them get together to figure out nominations. Jessie and Natalie want to employ the tried and true ‘pawn’ technique. Ronnie immediately offers Michele’s had on a platter. Chima is not happy, but understands that sacrifices must be made for the sake of the trust in the newborn alliance.
Whooo hooo! Food Comp! Well, not just food – seems this year they are taking it a bit further than just slop, adding the joy of cold showers and some other things to be revealed later. It is billed to be the “harshest living conditions in Big Brother history”. Yeah – worse than living with Evil Dick? I doubt that. The teams suit up in snappy white spandex and decorate with day glow paints. They all troupe outside for the very first Have and Have Not Competition. The yard resembles a rave club and the Athletes are told they can ‘chillax’ in the corner near the disco ball because they will be having all week, thanks to their HoH win. The other three teams will have to create a tube that will pump the ‘rave juice’ from one end of the yard, through the Have sign and over to the other side of the yard where it will need to rush down and start their pinwheel moving. The last team to do that will not be happy campers for the week.
The Brains go into this pretty confident that they will survive, since it is a puzzle. How quickly they are proved wrong when they quickly fall behind the Offbeats and the Populars, even given that Jordan doesn’t understand complicated terminology like 90 degree angle. Lydia is impressed with Casey who quickly pulls the Offbeats to a lead they never relinquish. The Populars get into their groove and end up in second place, with the Brainy clan an embarrassing third and the dubious honor of being the very first Have Nots.
So, besides the culinary delight of Slop and the cold showers, they are also given their very own room! It is very utilitarian and metallic, but not in a good way. They have thin mats over metal frames and a pillow each. Chima goes into an immediate meltdown likening it to an insane asylum – oh no dear, the crazies get padded walls, you get sheet metal. Casey says that “princesses are not used to sleeping on cement slabs.”
The Hamsters decide to hold a getting to know you bikini contest with Michele a surprise contestant, Jordan in a little punk slip thingy and Laura and her boobs straining a bikini top to its maximum capacity. Laura tries to get Jessie to pay attention, but he ‘ain’t buying what she’s selling.” No word on whether he would have bought Russell in his bikini, but I am guessing yes. Later on, Lydia tries getting on Jessie’s softer side by buttering him up with a massage, but again, I think she is just barking up the wrong side of the lube. Jessie tells her he thinks she is smart. Well, that is true, who isn’t in comparison to him? Even Natalie from BB9 is smart when compared to him.
Ah, we are getting close to nomination time and the Athletes are going over their game plans. They want to put a brain up as a pawn – though I am not clear why they feel they need a pawn this week. Jessie wants to put Laura up, but Russell and Natalie think that Lydia is more dangerous and should be the one to go. Russell feels like he is in charge, but Jessie says he is in it for himself, not his clique.
And finally, it is nomination time. Jessie gathers them round the impossibly big table. The Athletes (Natalie, Russell and Jeff) are all exempt by virtue of winning the first HoH. Jessie then pulls Michele’s key, letting her know she is safe. Michele pulls Braden’s key, he pulls Ronnie’s key and Ronnie pulls Jordan’s key and they are all safe. Kevin, Laura and Casey are all taken off the block leaving Lydia and Chema as the first nominees for this season. Jessie makes the usual lamo speech about respecting them as competitors but only one can win in the end. Chima says she knows she is the pawn but says in Big Brother, it is usually the pawn who goes home. Lydia begins to cry and tearfully tells us she is being picked on. I am wondering just how brown will Lydia’s blond hair get before she is finished with her brown nosing for safety?
That answer and the PoV winner coming up Tuesday – see you then!